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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL completely ignored my wishes again

333 replies

DappledThings · 28/12/2018 14:18

I'm so grumpy right now. I hate presents. Hate them. Everyone knows this. I thought this year I had managed to make it so I had nothing to unwrap but PIL refused to accept this and I now have a small pile of stuff I don't want or need that probably represents a waste of a a good £100.

I asked for either a charity present (the goat type) or to just be included in DH's presents and make them joint. SIL did the latter which was great. But PIL utterly refused. Have just overheard a conversation between MIL and SIL about me not appearing too thrilled. Because I'm not.

I'm pissed right off that yet again my desire to not receive anything has to come second to someone else's desire to go shopping. It's bollocks and I'm so unhappy.

I've never had any other complaint about PIL. I love them both, they're great people. But simply refuse to actually ever get me what I want for Xmas or birthday.

OP posts:
PengAly · 28/12/2018 20:00

Sad and cross for DAYS? Just from looking at gifts?? Surly the anxiety about unwrapping has come and gone now that the day is over Hmm you still dont seem to be considering THEIR feelings either. Christmas is about everyone

Lovingit81 · 28/12/2018 20:01

Are you ok OP? Seriously?

PengAly · 28/12/2018 20:04

Yes, she isnt your mother. But MIL still cares and loves you. My mother treats my dh like a son and im welcmed into my husband family by his PIL as if i was a daughter to them. i know other famlies are very obvious about keeping a clear line about in laws nit be their family but this is just an example from my own experience.

Original poster
DappledThings · 28/12/2018 20:05

I'm fine! This is my pretty much my only issue in life! I hate presents. I had a lovely actual Christmas day because my family switched to the charity thing years ago, DH and I bought a picture together for each other a few weeks ago and DC are too young to be buying anything.

I thought it had been agreed that in-laws were going to make DH's present joint so I was free of it all this year and totally relaxed. Got blindsided with a bag of stuff this afternoon and I'm just pissed off and upset. Again.

But only a bit. It's low-level, will just last till I've dealt with the stuff and got it out of the way.

OP posts:
emzw12 · 28/12/2018 20:07

My MIL is exactly the same! I have repeatedly asked for no presents or a donation to charity. I get ignored every year! So now I just put them straight in the car to charity shop.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2018 20:10

do you get that for PIL, getting you nothing would be upsetting? so thry can buy a goat or a shared present with DP. They could walk in with a nice hamper which DH can open or a voucher for something nice that again DP can open or which thry can literally talk and hand over. If you love someone as much as people keep saying Il's love OP then there are plenty of options to keep them all happy

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2018 20:15

Of course her feelings matter but so should those who give her gifts but thry CAN give a gift - charitable or shared - and they'd both be happy. It really isn't that hard.

Also i dont think someone having anxiety should trump someone else's happiness I like hugs and kisses, they make you anxious. Is it OK for me to hug and kiss you everytime I see you? Even if you tell me you don't like it can I keep doing it because I like it?

Original poster
DappledThings · 28/12/2018 20:16

Of course her feelings matter but so should those who give her gifts but thry CAN give a gift - charitable or shared - and they'd both be happy. It really isn't that hard.

Thank you SleepingStandingUp. This is exactly it and I don't get why that isn't acceptable.

OP posts:
Lifeofsmiley · 28/12/2018 20:21

I’m don’t feel as strongly as you op but I do get where you are coming from. I’d quite happily stop exchanging gifts but my parents wouldn’t hear of it . It wouldn’t be the same without it etc.

lalafafa · 28/12/2018 20:23

You’re a right drama llama

PengAly · 28/12/2018 20:29

@SleepingStandingUp of course not! Thats a different thing but you also seemed to have quoted me up until i say an open conversation needs to happen.

FullOfDoom · 28/12/2018 20:29

I make an amazon list of things I need. M+S socks, tights, new slippers, books, wine, anything I need for a couple of months before christmas and my birthday go on the list. Pretty much eliminates waste.

Original poster
DappledThings · 28/12/2018 20:34

an open conversation needs to happen.

It has. I've seen the conversation where MIL asked for ideas for me. He replies just make my present joint or a goat. She replies, "Not a goat 😁".

So laughs at what I actually want and disregards the other offered solution. That casual disregard for my feelings is what pisses me off.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 28/12/2018 20:41

I think it's fair enough to be a bit annoyed, but honestly, OP, if this is the biggest thing you've got to be annoyed about in your life at the moment, hooray! Things must be going great for you! This is the only thing your PILs do that irritates you? Hooray! They sound amazing.

In the grand scheme of things, it's not that big a deal. Yes, I agree, they aren't listening to your wishes. But it's one day a year (two, I guess, if they give you birthday presents). The things don't have to be wasted if you take them to a refuge or a foodbank. I would just grit your teeth and get over it.

Original poster
DappledThings · 28/12/2018 20:51

I would just grit your teeth and get over it.

I will. I always do till the next time. This thread was meant to be cathartic in achieving that.

OP posts:
Pinkprincess1978 · 28/12/2018 20:53

My first thought was yabu and get over yourself but then I remembered I asked for no presents for myself and my DC but some members of of my family informed me which made me feel bad. Then when I looked and thought about it... I don't drink rose wine (by choose) i really didn't need a box of biscuits, my ds didn't need a money box and my dd didn't need the gift she got.

So I won't allow myself to feel bad for trying to stop the crap exchange of gifts.

MidniteScribbler · 28/12/2018 20:54

Some people have issues with some big charities (like the goat people) and refuse to support them. I don't donate to any charities that have CEO's with six figure salaries, preferring my donations/money to go to small local organisations.

Read up on 'love languages'. For some people, the need to give gifts to demonstrate their love is actually very deeply ingrained. Your lack of interest in gifts is at odds with their need to give presents.

Perhaps you need to find a way to compromise. Instead of 'I don't want/need anything', a 'we are trying to reduce the amount of stuff in our house and declutter, so I would really love it if you bought us tickets to x/movie vouchers/restaurant voucher' so that we can all spend time with each other instead. Change the language 'the best gift you could ever get me is the gift of time with you/the kids'.

bridgetreilly · 28/12/2018 21:16

I will. I always do till the next time. This thread was meant to be cathartic in achieving that.

Ah! That wasn't completely clear to me. I hope it's helped.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2018 21:20

if this is the biggest thing you've got to be annoyed about... This is the only thing your PILs do that irritates you?
It isn't just annoyance though is it, it's causing actual anxiety.

Rocknroller85 · 28/12/2018 21:22

You never replied to any of us mentioning vouchers, that I can see. It would help us suggest alternatives etc if you let us know what it is about it you are opposed to. I’d probably laugh too if someone said sponsor me a goat. I would think it was a joke, so I’d laugh and think no more about it.

Original poster
DappledThings · 28/12/2018 21:29

You never replied to any of us mentioning vouchers, that I can see

Apologies. I have asked for and received book tokens in the past. But they have always come with something else as well because they are not seen as a proper present so it only partially solves the issue. It also doesn't help with me just not wanting any money spent on me anyway. Also comments at the time made it clear that book tokens wouldn't be acceptable very often and I would be being bought "things".

My family have done the goat thing instead of anything else at Xmas for at least 10 years. Maybe it's weirder than I thought but we love it. We say "goats" as shorthand for any charity gift. For my parents this year I went to the Choose Love website. My aunt and uncle used UNICEF.

OP posts:
Original poster
DappledThings · 28/12/2018 21:31

No more replies from me tonight anyway. Too much disturbed sleep caused by collapsing airbeds, Midnight Mass, cousins sharing rooms so not sleeping and very late arriving parents earlier in the week has done for me. I'm turning out the light!

OP posts:
Janecon · 28/12/2018 21:33

Another PIL bashing thread.

You are being utterly ridiculous and very ungrateful.

Skittlesandbeer · 28/12/2018 21:45

Ok. You live in a particular culture. You can move cultures, you can rebel in your home/mind/actions. You can have very good reasons for not wishing to participate in cultural norms. All good.

What you can’t do is expect everyone else to do things your way. And get stroppy when they don’t.

It’s hard to imagine a single cultural norm (well, maybe the sacred morning cuppa) that’s more ingrained than Christmas gift giving. Old people love it for their reasons, middle-aged folk for their reasons, and kids go freaking mad for it. It’s a solid tradition. Maybe there are real problems with it, and change would be good. So think of ways to advocate change.

Being the Christmas Dementor is not going to achieve the goal.

If you were living in a Mongolian yurt, you’d (hopefully) smile through gritted teeth and godamn drink the fermented yak’s milk, that was their cultural gift to you. Or would you sulk that they hadn’t stocked up on things you prefer?

If you choose to stand alone outside the Christmas culture, then you need to treat it with diplomacy and respect in the same way. Or find somewhere else to be that week.

UserName31456789 · 28/12/2018 21:47

Don't open the box take it to the local women's refuge ( if you have space you could drop it off just before Christmas).

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