PIL completely ignored my wishes again

[DappledThings]

I'm so grumpy right now. I hate presents. Hate them. Everyone knows this. I thought this year I had managed to make it so I had nothing to unwrap but PIL refused to accept this and I now have a small pile of stuff I don't want or need that probably represents a waste of a a good £100.

I asked for either a charity present (the goat type) or to just be included in DH's presents and make them joint. SIL did the latter which was great. But PIL utterly refused. Have just overheard a conversation between MIL and SIL about me not appearing too thrilled. Because I'm not.

I'm pissed right off that yet again my desire to not receive anything has to come second to someone else's desire to go shopping. It's bollocks and I'm so unhappy.

I've never had any other complaint about PIL. I love them both, they're great people. But simply refuse to actually ever get me what I want for Xmas or birthday.

No I'm not worried about little handmade gifts. DS does go to nursery and comes home with little craft things etc. It's all very nice.

It's more when they're older and feel the need to spend their money for the sake of it trying to find something I want when I don't want anything. That makes me sad but it's a while away.

Totally with you OP. We try to live sustainably and therefore a pile of stuff I don't want or need is very depressing. However I get PIL's need for us to be included in the present giving round at Boxing Day lunch. I'd prefer nothing but instead DH has been VERY specific about what we'd like.
We told them we were very into cocktail making for friends so interesting alcohol would be much welcomed.
Instead of the crappy pile of tat we got from various family members wonderful interesting drinks from around the world, cocktail books, equipment. Everyone was super keen to see our reaction to the new exciting drink they'd bought us and lots of chat after, even breaking a few open to try. And now we have a fabulous cocktail cupboard of special things.
Since getting home we've copied them into Facebook posts of cocktails made with their drink and they are all delighted.
Even they wrap up a bottle of Gordon's or Smirnoff you can't go wrong. It's going to be used at some point

Oh op, you need to accept you will get a gift for your 40th, your PIL obviously want to give you a thing, so a voucher or a gift for a charity, or putting your name on your DHs gift won't do.

Accept this and manage it!

Ask for something you want, will use so it's not waste, and is a thing they can give you.

Is wine not an option? If you (or your dh) will actually drink it, it's not waste. It's a thing they can buy you and you can ask it's not wrapped, and you know what you are getting so no stress about opening it.

Or is there something for the house you need you can save up to ask for? Knowing it's really a gift for the whole family might be easier.

Op you havnt said if ANY items would be acceptable? You must have things you use? Socks, wine ect. I think you need to look at working on the issues you have as it could come across quite hurtful to your children in the future- your PILs noticed your displeasure so you arent as good as hiding it as you think.

Well I don't want to entirely hide it otherwise it will just keep happening won't it?

It's not about things being "acceptable". I don't want to be bought anything. And after about 27 years of trying to appease people and pointlessly racking my brains to think of stuff and then pretending I wanted part of the whole thing I'm really done with it.

My impending 40th is galvanizing me to feel able to really put my foot down with the other adults in my life and ask people to do this one tiny thing for me.

And ive just been speaking to DH and he heard the muttered kitchen conversation as well and thinks it wasn't about me but was actually SIL disappointed we bought her a wrong variation of the right thing.

I think im just gonna give up on this thread. Yes you have anxiety over this and thags difficult. But this thread makes me feel quite sad- gift giving is such a meaningful thing and its a shame you cant see it from the other side. Good luck with managing your 40th

Why can't I be given what I want?

Dear God. Am I the only person who imagined this screeched loudly along with a stamping foot?

OP, you sound ridiculous. Your previous thread (thanks Worra for link) was just the same.

I agree that this is about control. The perfectly simple solution would be for you to quietly box everything up as others have suggested & donate them to a food bank/ charity shop.

For someone who hates fuss you seem to enjoy creating a load of drama.

Ok... I've just read your 'Birthday present thread' and the present thing is a problem.
However... SIL sent a book token which is great and basically the only present I like. I have explicitly said in the past when asked what I want that I like book tokens but then people get all weird about it not being a proper present.
So you ask again. I think the 'buy me a goat from Oxfam' or 'give to a charity' thing is stopping people. Nobody likes to be TOLD what charity they should donate money to.

Ask for specific books or tokens & get your DH to spread the word.

Why don’t you encourage a secret Santa arrangement- everyone gets one gift.

Otherwise act graciously & regift.

Anything else comes across first world & bratty.

OP I totally understand where you are coming from. I had very few gifts this year from anyone because I didn't want them. I'm trying to get shite out of the house not bring more in. I'm a bit of a hoarder and get anxious about 'waste' / giving stuff away unused. Maybe you could ask your PIL to get some food gifts or something consumable other than toiletries? Or just keep politely asking for your charity goat. I wouldn't want to spoil a good relationship with them.

I think gift giving has lost all meaning other than as a gesture, in which case I always try and get stuff that will be used (like food / wine / nice non-alcoholic drinks) . People just buy what they want now rather than waiting. Maybe that's a whole seperate issue about delayed gratification.

Either way I just see lots of adults spending money on pointless stuff that no one really wants. It's fine if everyone enjoys it but more and more of my friends / family are only buying for kids and just cutting out the adult gifts except for elderly relatives.

I get what you mean OP. It's frustrating when people don't listen to you and think you don't mean what you say. We recently had a baby and told everyone not to bother buying us presents and just get something for the baby if they had to buy something. We also said we'd only be buying for the kids of the family. Sure enough SIL still bought us something so we had to slyly wrap a bottle of prosecco I got for my birthday and pass it off as her gift

This thread is doing my head in. God forbid you have a surprise 40th birthday party ?! What are you going to do if you've mentioned that it's not something you really wanted - spontaneously combust?

I think perspective is what's called for here. Embrace the sentiment and feeling of people who love you. So they know you'd rather not have a gift but still buy you one anyway. Well hold the front page. My father-in-law destroyed my relationship with my oh - but hey he bought us appropriate presents ! I know which one I'd rather have around my Christmas tree.

Just quietly pass them on. Why get so upset?

I find a lot of people ignore my ‘wishes’ in life. Oh well, I get through it all somehow.. 🙄

that they toook the time to think of you and what would make you smile. Even if it’s not what you wanted, be grateful for that
Nobut they didn't did thry? There were options that would make OP happy - charitable donation, book vouchers, shared present, and they specifically chose NOT to buy them.

I don't get the *every year, twice a year, for the next thirty years just smile and chuck it in the chaorty bag. It's utterly wasteful to just keep chucking stuff away unused because no one wants it. It's perfectly normal to get someone something they want!!

OP said thry spent £100. So £20 on a nice bottle of wornttle of wine, some nice chocolates and £70 of book vouchers. Bloody heaven

Good grief, what a lot of fuss over nothing. Just smile and say thank you and give the gift away
You are being utterly ridiculous.

You all are seriously lacking in empathy if you can’t accept that for some people being made to open a pile of gifts in front of people seriously casuses them anxiety and stress and distress.

Look at the vitriol OP has had here from people insisting that she is completely unreasonable to just say, please, don’t get me gifts. No wonder it stresses her out so fucking much with the entitled, selfish, self-centred attitudes many gift-givers have.

OP, I wonder if you could get in the head space where John Lewis vouchers would work for you? They do lots and lots of different things so you wouldn’t really be limited on choice, and you could even use them for gifts for other people throughout the year if you really can’t think of anything you want or need. Perhaps that would feel ‘special’ enough to be a gift, especially to older people. If you could bring yourself to ask for vouchers and a bunch of flowers then maybe it will be enough that they still feel they have given you something thoughtful? I think that is going to be your best solution.

If you don't want gifts then I think it's is rude of the giver to not consider your wishes.

If you are fed up of donating to charity shops there are refuges who might appreciate toiletries for people who come in with nothing. Alternatively ask your local school pta if they run raffles and would like them. I save all my unwanted gifts for the dc's school raffle. It saves me buying something for them to take in.

Oh op you are infuriating! You don't like what you get, you won't accept to your PILs "give me nothing" = "be rude to me", or that "give me something for someone else" doesn't equal a gift for you. So manage it so it's not a waste, ask for stuff you or your dh will buy anyway.

You can't make them do what you want, so make it manageable so it doesn't cause you stress. A thing you can use/consume. A list of books you'd buy with a book token. An unwrapped gift if that upsets you. A gift given to dh to pass to you.

Work out which bit upsets you and work round it.

So manage it so it's not a waste, ask for stuff you or your dh will buy anyway

She DID! Book vouchers one year, she liked, thry said it wasn't a proper present. Suggestion of joint gifts for them to enjoy together, totally ignored.

God forbid you have a surprise 40th birthday party ?!

I would be utterly floored by that. I can't imagine any reaction other than utter panic and fleeing. Fortunately DH wouldn't do that to me in a million years.

Better leave it there I suppose. I've only come back to keep replying to people to be polite.

For those who think I'm creating a massive drama by asking for something, not getting it, being polite but not over the top then having a totally normal rest of day/week/month/entire relationship with PIL you're really not understanding how it actually goes. 95% of how I feel is internalised precisely so I do try to accommodate others. That's why I'm on here instead!

No, they don't like giving vouchers, a thing she'll use anyway is needed. Wine, the toiletries she uses, coffee, things- no vouchers, not joint gifts. Stuff for her that isn't waste and the OP can accept receiving.

They will want to give you a thing. Try to think of a thing you don't mind accepting.

If the stuff is useful, such as toiletries etc., why don't you accept it, use it and then donate the money you save by using them instead of having to buy them to a charity?

Is there anything that your husband likes and you could fake a liking? coffee, chocolate or similar? in your head you could treat it as your husbands present that you help him ooen, and they could pretend its yours. maybe that could be a solution?

God forbid you have a surprise 40th birthday party?!

To be fair, a LOT of people would hate a surprise birthday party. Really a lot. Like, don't do this to people unless you've literally heard them say they'd love a surprise party one day.