PIL completely ignored my wishes again

[DappledThings]

I'm so grumpy right now. I hate presents. Hate them. Everyone knows this. I thought this year I had managed to make it so I had nothing to unwrap but PIL refused to accept this and I now have a small pile of stuff I don't want or need that probably represents a waste of a a good £100.

I asked for either a charity present (the goat type) or to just be included in DH's presents and make them joint. SIL did the latter which was great. But PIL utterly refused. Have just overheard a conversation between MIL and SIL about me not appearing too thrilled. Because I'm not.

I'm pissed right off that yet again my desire to not receive anything has to come second to someone else's desire to go shopping. It's bollocks and I'm so unhappy.

I've never had any other complaint about PIL. I love them both, they're great people. But simply refuse to actually ever get me what I want for Xmas or birthday.

If you choose to stand alone outside the Christmas culture, then you need to treat it with diplomacy and respect in the same way. Or find somewhere else to be that week oh don't be ridiculous. Everyone else in her life has respected her wish, oil's can give gifts of book tokens, joint present, donation to charity of their choice if they need to give a present but don't want to because it "isn't what we do". They're choosing to ignore Op's anxiety over 1 small aspect - gifts - because they can't be bothered to think outside the gift box. OP doesn't need to forsake Christmas and isolate herself from her husband and children when a simple adjustment by the Il's would resolve it all!

OP I would find it particularly odd if you turned up with a present for me and then insisted on not being bought anything yourself. It just doesn’t make any sense - the whole point of gift giving is reciprocity, not “well you like stuff and I don’t so don’t buy me anything”. That is teeth-achingly awkward.

Perhaps you might have more success if you stopped giving presents yourself? Then you’d just become known as the (slightly weird) lady who doesn’t DO presents.

I must admit, though, that I don’t understand why you don’t just pull a functional Christmas list together with some things you need/like - books (not tokens), whatever.

Pffft. Turns out I've not actually gone to sleep because DC are both restless.

Thank you SleepingStandingUp again for saying what I was going to more succinctly.

And whoever called me the Christmas Dementor cracked me up. Not sure how a surprised "Oh, right, I wasn't expecting....." trailed off sentence followed by some polite comments about nice smelling shower gel and a joke about making sure I don't eat the "body yoghurt" and then everyone moving on and having a mince pie in anyway makes me the Christmas Dementor.

I can't imagine PIL have any idea I'm still a bit stressed about it and hurt and sad. I don't show it. I just want to stop it happening again because I'm fucking tired of it and it's a tiny adjustment for them to make. Like SIL did.

And it isn't another PIL bashing thread. I've said more than once how much I love them and it's only this one thing.

Perhaps you might have more success if you stopped giving presents yourself? Then you’d just become known as the (slightly weird) lady who doesn’t DO presents

Happy to be known like that! But all presents come jointly from DH and me anyway so all that would mean is removing my name from the tag. And I'm happy to get people stuff they want. I don't want to stop doung something that makes others happy, I just want my reciprocated choice to be respected.

For now anyway it's pretty much unnoticeable I'm not opening anything as DC are still small enough to need help so I'm opening their stuff.

What will you do when your dc make/buy you christmas presents?

Looking at it from a different angle OP- could your PIL be upset that you seem to ignore their desire to buy you a gift?

Maybe they think your request not to receive a gift doesn't trump their desire to give one.

Just a thought- it's sometimes helpful to look at things from the 'other side'......

What will you do when your dc make/buy you christmas presents?

Cross that bridge when I have to. But of course I'll be lovely about anything they choose or make.

What age do they start thinking about this stuff if it isn't mentioned to them? They're 1 and 2 now so I reckon I've got a few years.

I don’t understand why people come on AIBU if they aren’t willing to take on board other points of view and have already decided they are completely right.

I understand the OP. I have a stockpile of things ready for charity. I would prefer people gifting the money to charity and I have said that to them for over 20 years... I get tat and it is such a waste.
But you either put it aside for a day a year and fake the smile and say thanks or mention it again knowing it may cause friction. Even if your hubby could say a word.
I do laugh in one sense as I always get pandora charms, even though I haven't worn it in 5 years and the person who buys them knows it, and this year I got an evening bag knowing I never go out... at least it was better than thongs... silk ones ...

It's usually when they go to nursery or school and they make you something there.

Maybe they think your request not to receive a gift doesn't trump their desire to give one
Maybe they think their momentary pleasure trumps Op's days of anxiety They CAN gift - a donation to Crisis or a a women's Refuge, a family photo shoot, book vouchers, a naice hamper etc.

OP nursery etc but it's not wrapped present stuff. DS came home with a wall calandar with trees on for the seasons. And a card without an envelope.

It is worth looking at what it is you dislike OP and if it affects other parts of your life because personal growth is always good. Is it the expectation to act a certain way which you failed to do as a child and were then berated for or a sense of not being worth spending money on etc. Don't expect you to answer but personal reflection is often useful even if nothing changes

I hate presents too, OP. Opening gifts in front of the giver is my idea of a nightmare (immediate family I can just about cope with).

You really need your DH to weigh in on your behalf. He should be able to speak frankly to them, preferably before your next birthday. If their purpose is to give you pleasure, they are failing. If it’s to indulge their own desire to be bountiful, (which is not a crime) they need to pick another recipient.

Having reached the point in my life where I am desperately trying to get rid of ‘Stuff’, I think your approach is the sane one, YA(definitely)NBU.

Local hospital/care home/hospice would welcome unopened toiletries too.

I kind of know how you feel OP. It doesn’t give me a huge anxiety, but my mum not listening to my pleas for no gifts has really annoyed me. My mum has plenty of cash, it’s not the waste of money that bothers me, it’s the physical waste of plastic and packaging and just having “bits n bobs” cluttering up the place. I made it very clear and explained my reasons, my DH agreed, but my mum said she just had to get me something to open or she’d feel horrible. I smiled and did the “oh lovely, thanks so much!” Routine, but immediately felt guilty about the fact it’s going straight to charity. Useless objects covered in plastic, made in and shipped from China.... for me to open so my mum doesn’t feel bad. Create more crap for the mountainous climate catastrophe, to save totally unnecessary feelings. I got them an experience. It’s not hard to find something that’s not junk. I have tonnes of interests, and I’ve never received a gift from parents that reflects any of them, so it’s not like I’m depriving someone of the joy of finding something wonderfully just right for me. Anyway. My own half-rant over, I got you OP. Although I wouldn’t have asked for the goat, as I don’t like to dictate the actual thing someone should buy, I’d genuinely prefer nothing, as I’ve got whatever I need and give to charity a lot so I’d rather everyone just relax!

Dappled I’m with about getting a pile of stuff you don’t need and people have spent their good money on.

Close family we’ve all agreed to get a particular consumable gift if wanted or if not edible treats or drinks that people want. Saying that from wider group not part of this agreement I’ve now got 4 bottles of Rose that I will never drink. Don’t think anyone take wine donations.

Is the goat a consumable gift 😂

WOW.

cross that bridge when it comes

Op are you really worried about when your DC give you little hand made gifts? Surly this hatred of gifts cant stretch that far that your own children making you gifts would make you feel uncomfortable?

This is without doubt the GRINCHiest OP I have read on MN

It has nothing to do with being a Grinch Womam. OP gets anxiety about opening presents, she's explained this and offered solutions. She buys for others and is happy to wait h other people open presents but struggles when it's her.

What’s a PIL?

I strongly suggest you try to get over the gift-unwrapping anxiety as your own children will want to buy you things at some point.

Parent In Law

When your kids gets little older and you see their faces light up when they unwrap a gift that was the one thing they wanted, maybe you’ll understand a little bit more. There’s no better feeling.

Christmas is about giving. Your PILs didn’t get the message that you wanted charity gifts but everyone else did. What you should take away from it is that they toook the time to think of you and what would make you smile. Even if it’s not what you wanted, be grateful for that.

Otherwise have the balls to them to sod the present, you wanted a goat instead. Your ideas are charitable but your attitude isn’t. By being ungracious you are being rude and would hurt their feelings.

There have been excellent donation ideas on this thread.

What will you do when your kids pick you daisies or bring home artwork as gifts?

Intrigued about the attention seeking accusations.
What's attention seeking? I dislike consumerism but I absolutely hate waste. Op has requested gifts that would make her happy, and actually do some good for the world.

Her relatives insist of wasting money on gifts that make them happy! Why?