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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really odd behaviour

354 replies

MelbaToast · 28/12/2018 01:40

Been with BF together a while now (about a year). The reason why I'm wondering this is because he has never invited me to his house. Ever. Our whole relationship has taken place from my house and a couple of bars in between our houses, which we go to once a month. He told me this was because he was doing work to his house. The other week I was really direct and asked him when he was going to invite me over and he said when the work is finished, ie, mid 2019. I've driven past his road a couple of times and there is scaffolding outside, so I do believe he's having work done. I just find it really odd that he wouldn't want to show me where he lives. He's also never introduced me to any of his friends (I'm digging my heels in with this one and not introducing him to any of my friends until he initiates).

I think my concern is that he has someone more serious that he doesn't want me to know about.

OP posts:
longtompot · 28/12/2018 11:11

You could knock and maybe ask who is doing the renovations as you are about to do up your house and are looking for recommendations?

It does sound like he has another life though :(

CottonTailRabbit · 28/12/2018 11:14

Sod pretending to be someone else. Knock on the door and whoever answers tell them straight you've popped round for a surprise visit to see your boyfriend.

trojanpony · 28/12/2018 11:15

Another who thinks something is not right.
It’s beyond weird and I’d definitely go round.
I also wouldn’t pretend to be someone else - that woman is wasting her time with a cheater.

He's also never introduced me to any of his friends (I'm digging my heels in with this one and not introducing him to any of my friends until he initiates).
As an FYI this isn’t digging your heels in - it’s probably giving him exactly what he wants Confused

ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 28/12/2018 11:23

I'm with snowflake. It doesn't feel right to you, and it's not the relationship you want. You can't change another person, so stop wishing your life away.

LonginesPrime · 28/12/2018 11:36

OP, did he invite you to the brother's over Christmas?

I agree with others that this doesn't sound good. I would want to show people the 'before' or the work in progress if I were putting all that money and effort into renovating a house.

Also, perhaps he has a family and they're living elsewhere while the place is being renovated (esp if he has DC). Perhaps it's the notion that he's living alone there (to manage the building work) that gave him the idea that he could actually live a single life?

Fairenuff · 28/12/2018 12:05

If you go there and a woman answers you won't know who she is. Could be his wife, girlfriend, sister, friend, etc. You'll have to actually go inside the house to see if someone lives there with him so that you can ask him why he never mentioned it. Otherwise he will just say it was a friend visiting.

Thewifipasswordis · 28/12/2018 12:13

Electoral roll search OP - he's married I reckon. Double life sorry.

TheLastNigel · 28/12/2018 12:18

Just ask him if you can see his renovations-it would be natural to be curious after a year! Ditto when can you meet his friends? Has he met yours?

MatildaTheCat · 28/12/2018 12:25

Even if it is his address he sounds very odd. Hasn’t introduced you to any friends or family, only goes to two places with you...what is he doing to make this a good relationship?

There could be lots of reasons for all this but I don’t see a good outcome for any of them. However I don’t blame you for wanting to know.

WitsEnding · 28/12/2018 12:28

I suspect married, but I have had this treatment from someone with a very neglected house. We did have plenty of mutual friends and I met his work colleagues if they were in one of the two bars we used.

SilverBirchTree · 28/12/2018 12:30
Shock

I also think he's married. Even if he was having work done to his house, wouldn't your bring your girlfriend of one year to see the work being done? Presumably a big Renovation project would be taking up his time and he would be on site a lot... so why wouldn't he invite you along?

I think you need to send a friend to knock on the door and see who answers.

winsinbin · 28/12/2018 12:45

The very fact that you have had to find out his address by sneaking a peek at his Amazon account and then felt the need to check out his story by driving by indicates that this is not a healthy relationship. Either he is hiding something or you are unreasonably suspicious. Neither is good (but I suspect it’s the first option).

MissRhubarb · 28/12/2018 12:45

Does he use social media and have a Facebook account? Very few people have no internet presence so that would make me suspicious if he's "nowhere" online.

Omzlas · 28/12/2018 12:59

I'm in camp "Sounds well dodgy"

I'd be tempted to drop in OP, see how he reacts

You say that you don't want to wreck another relationship but you might be doing just that by ignoring the red flags

ILoveChristmasLights · 28/12/2018 13:03

Whatever the reason, it’s probably an indication that things aren’t going to work out.

If you knock the door and there’s a woman there you should be honest with her. For your own peace of mind you need to hear it from her who she is and frankly, she deserves the truth too.

Teeandee · 28/12/2018 13:07

I'd go round too OP.

When are you planning to go?

Original poster
MelbaToast · 28/12/2018 13:39

I didn't know he was going to his brother's until a week before Christmas - it's fine that he went to his brother or wanted to spend it with his family, if that's what he was doing and I didn't expect to be invited it was just the lack of thought. I don't know when to go over. I'm working today and I'm meant to be seeing him this evening. I need to commit to this and say I'm doing it tomorrow morning otherwise I won't do it at all.

There isn't much point looking up the Land Registry because it's not going to affect the outcome. I asked him 2 weeks ago when he was going to invite me over and told hi I wanted to see where he lived. As far as I'm concerned, he's had enough time to respond and make things right and this relationship really isn't doing me any good anymore.

OP posts:
Kione · 28/12/2018 13:49

Can you not go after work?

Original poster
MelbaToast · 28/12/2018 13:50

Oh fuck it - I've just ordered the title deeds to his property. He just sent me a really sweet message which I'm ignoring and I'm going to his house straight after work.

OP posts:
Santaisonthesherry · 28/12/2018 13:54

You are entitled to know who /what you have got youself into op. . Do not let him make you feel wrong for wanting answers.

ilovekale · 28/12/2018 14:03

Pop around after work. It's too big of a question mark to ignore it. I would want to know. If he's there then great, surprise! If he's not then you may have some questions answered either way.

UnleashTheBulsara · 28/12/2018 14:03

Even if he is all above board, if the relationship is not what you would have ideally wanted, you would not be unreasonable to end it on those grounds.

"It's not working for me" is a good enough reason to move on and let you look for a better, more satisfactory relationship.

Saying that, I'm still intrigued by this situation...

SoniaShoe · 28/12/2018 14:20

Good luck OP, I hope it all goes ok. I think you're doing the right thing as it will be easier for you to make a proper and final decision if you have more information.

I've been in a similar situation and know how easy it is to be hoodwinked by a very convincing man who you've fallen for. So i'm routing for you. And hoping (but unfortunately not hopeful) he'll be there on his own and pleased to see you!

twoheaped · 28/12/2018 14:21

I was with somebody for over a year and I didn't go to his house. It ended up he was ashamed as it was a mess, not done up mess, not that he was a hoarder.
He ended up selling and staying at a mate's house whilst we bought a house of his own.
I never did see in that house.

UhUhUhDennis · 28/12/2018 14:22

Wow this is insane. Can't believe it seems quite common these blokes living a second life. Why?! I hope it's just a messy house and he hasn't been lying OP.

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