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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really odd behaviour

354 replies

MelbaToast · 28/12/2018 01:40

Been with BF together a while now (about a year). The reason why I'm wondering this is because he has never invited me to his house. Ever. Our whole relationship has taken place from my house and a couple of bars in between our houses, which we go to once a month. He told me this was because he was doing work to his house. The other week I was really direct and asked him when he was going to invite me over and he said when the work is finished, ie, mid 2019. I've driven past his road a couple of times and there is scaffolding outside, so I do believe he's having work done. I just find it really odd that he wouldn't want to show me where he lives. He's also never introduced me to any of his friends (I'm digging my heels in with this one and not introducing him to any of my friends until he initiates).

I think my concern is that he has someone more serious that he doesn't want me to know about.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 29/12/2018 21:29

You're at the bottom now so the only way is up Smile You've been so dignified and calm in your actions and now both you and his wife can start afresh with your lives. Her restart if that's what she does, will be so much harder, but you've done the right thing. What a sleaze he is.

PumpkinPie2016 · 29/12/2018 21:30

Flowers and more Wine for you OP. You were brave to go and tell the wide but you did the right thing!

You and the wife both deserve better!

HannahnotAgnes · 29/12/2018 21:30

Well done Op, so glad you told her.

Colourfullanguage · 29/12/2018 21:35

I think both you and the wife dealt with it in a very classy way. You have given her proof and information and she will now need to decide what to do with it. He may have form for this, she may have already forgiven him several times. Well done for giving her the option at least.

It must be so incredibly hurtful to have been subjected to this.

TeddybearBaby · 29/12/2018 21:35

New year. New start! Onwards and upwards. Poor you and and poor wife, there’s obvs better round the corner x

Skyejuly · 29/12/2018 21:37

You will be better rid of him !xx

Santaissleepingoffmincepies · 29/12/2018 21:38

You may have done her a greater service than you could imagine - a close friend had a note through her door, stating her dp was regularly cheating. At the same time as going through ivf with my friend.
Fall out massive but could have been worse had the treatment worked..
She may well forgive him but you have given her that choice.
My friend is very happy in a new relationship and her ex is back living with his dm in a box room!!
Karma!!

Doghorsechicken · 29/12/2018 21:38

Well done OP, you did great in the circumstances. Definitely see it as a fresh start this new year.

Original poster
MelbaToast · 29/12/2018 21:41

Their kids looked really young - I would have guessed 6 and 3. It's just so sad.

OP posts:
KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 29/12/2018 21:44

I'm amazed he didn't contact you to try to do some damage limitation, plead with you not to say anything, come up with the classic 'we live together for the children but we are no longer a couple'. He must have been shitting himself that you'd contact her.

Brook1yn · 29/12/2018 21:44

That took some courage OP, but I really think you did the right thing. I bet his wife already had suspicions.

Onwards and upwards Flowers

persist · 29/12/2018 21:44

It is unbelievably sad.

binkyblinky · 29/12/2018 21:45

Don't blame yourself for any of this. I hope you and his wife are ok. He is a dick x

Original poster
MelbaToast · 29/12/2018 21:47

Thank you everyone for the hugs, support and confidence. Its helped so much. I'm planning on taking a sleeping pill now and getting a good night's sleep rather than downing another glass of wine.

OP posts:
Original poster
MelbaToast · 29/12/2018 21:53

Kirsty,- now I know a little about the situation I think he doesn't care about damage limitation. I met him on a dating site and his operation is slick - he's really sweet and charming on initial meeting. He's done it before and he knows he can do it again. At least that's my final verdict of the situation. If I ever come across him again though on a dating site I will make his life hell.

OP posts:
browneyesbignose · 29/12/2018 21:54

Such an incredible 40 hours OP. I'm sure you can hardly believe it yourself!

DeusEx · 29/12/2018 21:55

OP, you are calm, dignified, classy and brave. I raise a glass to you.

All the best for a 2019 better than 2018 - onwards and upwards, and I am so sorry this has happened to you x

TeddybearBaby · 29/12/2018 21:56

Even when you forget about the fact that he’s married he’s still so selfish. You were clearly single and wanting a relationship with someone and he’s taken a year of your life away thinking that you had that potential with him. Arsehole!! I wonder what’s happening in his house tonight, wouldn’t like to be him now!

LumpsMum · 29/12/2018 22:03

Been a lurker for years, only VERY rarely post, but I just read this thread and it was awful the way my pulse was throbbing in my neck with the tension and anger. Not that this helps you just now, but when I grow up I’ll be you! You handled this amazingly! The new year is only round the corner! WineFlowers

PerverseConverse · 29/12/2018 22:13

Report him to the dating site. I did that with a couple of fakers. They got banned from the site. I felt better knowing I'd made it more difficult for them to mess with someone else's life, head, and heart. The dating site I was on took a very dim view of fakers. Quite right too. Made me so angry.
Hope you get a decent nights sleep Thanks

Commonpeoplelikeme · 29/12/2018 22:20

Wow. Poor wife. To be told around Christmas time with 2 young children is cruel. I would have made the husbands life an anxious misery for a while before I went to the wife (if I would’ve chosen to tell her at all). What’s done is done.

Handsoffmysweets · 29/12/2018 22:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

PerverseConverse · 29/12/2018 22:29

@Commonpeoplelikeme that's a shitty comment. OP has courage and dignity in the face of heartbreak and all you can do is comment about the poor wife. They have BOTH been shit on from a great height by this man. The man is the one who has brought all this about, not the OP. OP keeping quiet would not have made it not true. She's probably saved this woman more wasted years with the cheating bastard if she has the sense to divorce him. If more women were like OP then many of us would have been saved a great deal of pain and time.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/12/2018 22:32

Oh god op, what a rollercoaster. 2019, onwards and upwards. What a bastard. She deserved to know, it's not going to be easy to receive the news any time!

Apileofballyhoo · 29/12/2018 23:04

So sorry, Melba. I hope you get a good night's sleep.

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