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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really odd behaviour

354 replies

MelbaToast · 28/12/2018 01:40

Been with BF together a while now (about a year). The reason why I'm wondering this is because he has never invited me to his house. Ever. Our whole relationship has taken place from my house and a couple of bars in between our houses, which we go to once a month. He told me this was because he was doing work to his house. The other week I was really direct and asked him when he was going to invite me over and he said when the work is finished, ie, mid 2019. I've driven past his road a couple of times and there is scaffolding outside, so I do believe he's having work done. I just find it really odd that he wouldn't want to show me where he lives. He's also never introduced me to any of his friends (I'm digging my heels in with this one and not introducing him to any of my friends until he initiates).

I think my concern is that he has someone more serious that he doesn't want me to know about.

OP posts:
supersop60 · 29/12/2018 18:42

Sorry to hear this OP.
As above - New Year, new start. Flowers

Nats1606 · 29/12/2018 18:44

I would wager that this isn’t his first go on the double-life carousel.
He isn’t one of those cheaters who falls in love and can’t resist you and is torn apart by the whole thing (not that they deserve much sympathy either), he’s the kind of twatbadger who goes to great lengths to have his cake and eat it because he gets a bloody big kick out it. He’s the kind of guy who’ll snuggle his wife and swing his kids up on his shoulders whilst planning when to sneak out and give his OW a courtesy call on Christmas Day. He’s a pro. Sorry that you’ve been a victim to this but don’t feel guilty, I can assure you that men like him are very very good at what they do.

I hope 2019 is a better one for you. Good on you for being brave enough to confront your fears on this one and not waste anymore time.

jackio2205 · 29/12/2018 18:46

Good luck OP, there is no way in hell anyone deserves to be treated like this, do not take it personally (not that you are of course), just some people need their ego's and everything else satisfied by more than one person.... it's gross and he's disgusting, buuuuuut, good ridduns!
As for him and his marraige, it's a weird one, but it's kiiiiiiiiinda none of your business on one hand, on the other it is, it's honestly a tough one but think long and hard about what it will mean if you tell her and what your expectations would be, because at the end of the day, you don't know her, she could be completely unreasonable, accuse you of all sorts, not believe you, believe you and want to know all the details, be your new best mate (weirdly happened to a friend of mine-ending up being drinking buddies after a lot of therapy!!!!), but it'll be her decision on what she wants I suppose? Your call, you have lots of support here, just be concious that you can't control how this plays out and you may get hurt even more (we all hope not!!!) xxx

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 29/12/2018 19:20

There's something really off with him. Finish with him now, this just makes me think he's got another woman or a wife or even a double life and I'd think he doesn't even live there.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/12/2018 19:20

What a complete shit.

If you’re going to tell her, and I think it’s the right thing to do, make sure you go armed with evidence. You don’t want him to dismiss you as some nutter who’s obsessed with him.

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 29/12/2018 19:24

Sorry didn't read further. Wow. Tell the wife and get yourself tested. Hugs. Make next year better for yourself.Cake

Sissyjd · 29/12/2018 19:24

Omg..im so so sorry op....had v similar situations few months ago...excuses excuses excuses...usi g his daughter as a reason not to be able to see me blah blah. Reckon he was using dating sites or seeing someone. Then met Mr perfect but alas his ex is dragging him thro court and denying him access to his children, all so sad & toxic...we've called it off till final court date im so saddened by some peoples behaviour. It will get better Chin up..head high Op. Wishing you a better New Year!! Hugs...Flowers 😊

Atalune · 29/12/2018 19:26

Did he see you?

I would have made sure he saw you.

What a bastard.

browneyes77 · 29/12/2018 19:35

Sorry to hear this OP. Flowers

What a shitbag. But a woman’s gut instinct is rarely wrong.

Not that i guess it really matters now, but did you get the land registry in the end?

Skatersbeskating · 29/12/2018 19:36

I wouldnt have told him straight away. I hope you are o.k though Sad

You will get through this.

Cotswoldmama · 29/12/2018 20:09

Gosh Op hope you’re ok! As a wife with two kids I would want to know. I would write a letter and post it when you know she is definitely home. Explain what happened and leave your mobile number so she can contact you if she’s wants to. I think if I was confronted by someone in my doorstep I would be too shocked to process everything. But if I had time to think before meeting or talking to you I would be composed and know what questions I might want to be answered. X x x x

browneyesbignose · 29/12/2018 20:09

This is a remarkable first thread for a new poster.

MummyofTw0 · 29/12/2018 20:16

How horrendous

Ilovemypantry · 29/12/2018 20:18

So sorry about the outcome OP but I really think you should tell the wife sooner rather than later...she deserves to know what a shitbag she’s married to.

At least it’s a good time of the year for this to have happened (if there can be a “good” time)...out with the Old and in with the New. Sending you a big hug 🤗.

CrabbityRabbit · 29/12/2018 20:31

I'm so sorry OP. It is a horrible discovery and a horrible conversation to have.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 29/12/2018 20:42

This wasn't your fault op in any way. Hope you are ok x

Serialweightwatcher · 29/12/2018 20:48

Maybe she is his sister?? Don't understand how he can regularly stay over at yours or disappear from 8pm twice a week without a 'wife' finding out before now ... I hope it isn't a wife and kids Flowers

WanderingTrolley1 · 29/12/2018 20:56
Hmm
Santaissleepingoffmincepies · 29/12/2018 20:59

His dc will be in bed soon - have you got an item of his you can call around with to return?
Print off all his texts, put them in an envelope for her, she needs time to process what you tell her, she can read them in private.

Original poster
MelbaToast · 29/12/2018 21:18

Job done. I'm never doing that again. I wrote her a note with the texts printed off and gave it to her in an envelope. I was expecting her to want to kill me or at least ask questions but she just let me talk then when I finished closed the door in my face. Quite frankly it is a better outcome than what I was expecting. She has my number. I'm sittimg in my kitchen by myself now crying into my glass of wine. I feel I've been on an emotional rollercoaster where the only way is down.

OP posts:
Santaissleepingoffmincepies · 29/12/2018 21:22

The only way is up!! You have behaved very responsibly and with dignity. I would have made a fool of myself likely. And prob been arrested.
Flowers

HappyGirl86 · 29/12/2018 21:23

I think you have totally done the right thing and I think you are very brave. I can understand that you must feel emotionally exhausted but you will feel proud of yourself in the future when you look at how you responded.

RainbowTurd · 29/12/2018 21:25

Wow what a shorty situation

RainbowTurd · 29/12/2018 21:26

*shitty

Original poster
MelbaToast · 29/12/2018 21:27

Thank you Santa- that has made me smile a bit. I'm looking forward to the new year. New years resolution- no men for at least 6 months. I need a break.

OP posts: