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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving Christmas presents in black bags

192 replies

Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 18:23

Just wanted some people’s opinions.
My husband my daughter and myself all go to my MIL house for Christmas Eve which is a 3 hour drive away. Anyway we had a lovely Christmas Eve loads of extended family etc, later on when everyone had left I took our 3 year old to bed who had already fallen asleep on the sofa then my husband and myself brought all her Christmas presents in from the car which were all packed in black bags we sat them in the lounge but did not unpack them plan was to do it before we went to bed. Our daughter woke up and came walking along the hallway towards the lounge so I hurriedly took her back to bed and fell asleep with her. I woke in the middle of the night and thought I would go take a peek into the lounge at all her presents laid out but to my surprise they were all still in black bags I was really annoyed nobody had unpacked them as she at an age where Santa comes and leaves all her presents out he doesn’t leave them at the side of the table in black bags Christmas is supposed to be magical for 3 year olds it’s the lovely surprise of getting up in the morning to see Santa has left you lovely gifts!! Anyway later on in the morning when I got a private moment with my husband I asked him why he never unpacked the gifts his reaction was one of anger he took it really personal saying I was bringing him down, looking for fault purposely trying to cause an argument etc etc it became really quite heated and I got quite upset his mother got involved siding with him and I just wished I hadn’t opened my mouth but it was merely a question I did not expect it to escalate to what it did. I ended up feeling so upset and uncomfortable I never went for Christmas dinner at another family members house and on Boxing Day the atmosphere was so bad I had to get a friend to come and pick me up.
I now feel utterly miserable was I really so unreasonable and such a dreadful person
I can’t believe something so trivial has caused so much crap

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2018 21:47

Insta you've not really said whether this is how arguments usually play out and of course you're not obliged to lay your whole life bare to strangers on the internet but I would suggest (and I mean this kindly) that if this is the norm with your DH and Mil then the question at this point isn't really "who was BU" but rather "what now?"

I'm thinking a slow thaw might be on the cards but again, if this is the "norm" in your relationship then that's not ideal. You need to consider how this dynamic is effecting dd. It's easy to tell yourself she's too young to pick up on the horrible atmosphere but children really aren't stupid, they know when something is wrong even when they don't understand why.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2018 21:50

Btw when I say 'you' I mean 'you' plural, I certainly don't think it's all on you to fix this!

madmum5811 · 27/12/2018 21:50

Cherry, perfectly put.

The OP ruined xmas for everyone in their orbit.

SassitudeandSparkle · 27/12/2018 22:07

I find it very hard to believe that you would walk out without your daughter OP Hmm

Jux · 27/12/2018 22:11

But you were going to do it and then just fell asleep, so perhaps he was interrupted and got distracted just like you did. When you aked him why he hadn't done it the implication is that it was his job and he failed, when actually it was just as much your job. As he rks ay so much, I bet he feels guity about leaving rythng to you anyway and aving you then implying that he isn't doing what he should yet again won't have helped him. Didn't help you much either, and I think you completely over-reacted by not going for Chritmas dinner.

Original poster
Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 22:19

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

To be honest we actually don’t really argue, he is away from home so much so it’s just nice to have him when he is here and appreciate being together.
I’m not saying it’s always perfect either but what marriage is? We dont scream and shout at each other or are constantly sniping at each other Christmas Day reaction was very shocking
If and when we do argue it is never his fault it’s always mine!!
I’m very aware of the impact this will have had on my daughter and I in no way think she won’t remember or is too young to pick up on the dreadful atmosphere and I’m deeply saddened by that.
My daughter is not experiencing this kind of stuff regularly.
Like all couples we do have fall outs and disagreements and as I’ve said I know how he can take things really critical so a lot of stuff I just ignore or think it’s not worth mentioning in order as not to cause any upset.
I do feel he is bit more “the man” in front of family but ordinarily I can just not even bother about that. My relationship with his mother is not and never has been great but that’s just the way it is, I can cope with that what I don’t like is her interfering or adding to an already rotten situation.

OP posts:
Cloglover · 27/12/2018 22:20

If what you are saying is absolutely what happened tho, I can't believe that you left your daughter there with them. If two people bullied me and made me feel so uncomfortable I had to leave somewhere. I wouldn't leave my child alone in their company, however difficult the conversation would be. Do you really want your child growing up in the environment where their father can't be questioned?

Serialweightwatcher · 27/12/2018 22:21

Crikey, didn't realise she shouted at you - that's not good. As for him, he's obviously not good at taking criticism and is always right in his eyes because she made him that way ... bit hard to change, but can't be nice for you although mine's a bit like that Flowers

Original poster
Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 22:23

SassitudeandSparkle

She is with her daddy though not the child catcher. Besides it would have been dreadfully unfair of me to take her away

OP posts:
Cloglover · 27/12/2018 22:55

A dad that's bullied her mum to such a degree she has left her for several days over christmas. and a dad that allowed his mum to bully you too. As her main carer, don't you thinking unfair for her to be without you? I didn't mean it to sound as critical as it did, just that you seem to be bullied into submission and I don't think you realise how wrong it is.x

GabsAlot · 27/12/2018 23:25

at 3 i think she wold bave been ok to miss stuff-whatever that was

they gang up on u to the point that u leave like youre the bad person

BackforGood · 28/12/2018 00:48

If and when we do argue it is never his fault it’s always mine!!

......so a lot of stuff I just ignore or think it’s not worth mentioning in order as not to cause any upset

You are aware, I presume that, that isn't how a good relationship works? That isn't a partnership of two loving people ?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/12/2018 11:46

See, I think the voice raising was for Mummy's benefit. To show what a naggy wife he has, and knowing she would defend him, the big wuss.

BlueJava · 28/12/2018 11:50

Why did you mention it infront of MIL - it's basically like criticising him infront of his mother which perhaps he was sensitive about.

MrsFassy · 28/12/2018 13:05

The lack of comprehension on this thread is astounding.

OP you weren't unreasonable at all. You asked a simple, innocent, question, which didn't deserve the reaction you received.

When you spoke to him on the phone how was he towards you?

Original poster
Instamummy123 · 28/12/2018 13:27

Hi I actually did not mention it in front of his mother, I mentioned it privately but because he responded by shouting at me his mother heard.

I’ve messaged him today and him and my daughter are travelling home now, so should be home in a few hours.

Yesterday when we spoke he was trying to rehash it again and again shouting down the phone, I just don’t want it to start again when he gets home. My stomach is in knots at the thought of it

OP posts:
LIZS · 28/12/2018 13:30

You can hardly avoid dealing with it though. I wonder where your dd thinks you went, must have been very confusing.

Original poster
Instamummy123 · 28/12/2018 13:36

I absolutely know it has to be dealt with but I just don’t want it being heated I really don’t.
My daughter knows I’m at home but I’m not sure what has been said to her by way of explanation

OP posts:
madmum5811 · 28/12/2018 14:47

I never went for Christmas dinner at another family members house and on Boxing Day.................................................................................

So you flounced out on another family members home and meal. What the heck had they done to you??

ElevenSmiles · 28/12/2018 15:28

You've made xmas all about you, that's what everyone will remember.

Imissgmichael · 28/12/2018 16:32

The OP asked a simple question in a non confrontational way. DH response was to shout at her so loudly his DM heard and she decided to join in and shouted at the OP as well. Typical bullying and abusive behaviour.

The OP is the unreasonable one?

I would have left also. In fact there is no way I would continue a relationship with him unless he profusely apologised but that’s just me.

The OP is clearly very upset. I really can’t see what she’s done wrong. He on the other hand sounds like an arsehole and mummy’s boy.

Imissgmichael · 28/12/2018 16:33

You have my sympathies OP.

Schmoobarb · 28/12/2018 16:36

The OP is clearly very upset. I really can’t see what she’s done wrong. He on the other hand sounds like an arsehole and mummy’s boy.

I totally agree. The undercurrent of many of these posts that she was in the wrong for daring to upset The Man is depressing.

Christmasisforadults2 · 28/12/2018 16:58

So from your response, you can't communicate with him and he's not actively working with you, and your now alone.
Simply you need to get some therapy together or leave.
He was in a powerful position with his family and therefore treated you as unwanted and you can't say anything as my mums here. He took advantage.
That's abuse.
I was asking the questions, because my dp wouldn't help in case I wanted it done a certain way, and sometimes when I'm stressed I moan a bit.
But my dp and I would never have an argument around family even if we were extremely pissed off because it's our relationship and no added people taking sides.
Use this time to make some plans, it may not be as simple as he didn't guess what you needed him to do, but instead he didn't think as he's to busy thinking of his self.

pickingdaisies · 28/12/2018 17:04

What a rubbish Christmas for you, OP. Just read the whole thread, I wish some other pp's had done the same. You did not deserve such treatment, I hope your DH realises this by the time he gets home. Somehow I doubt it, and I think you need to consider if you want the rest of your life, and your daughter's, to be governed by his moods.

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