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AIBU?

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Original poster

Leaving Christmas presents in black bags

192 replies

Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 18:23

Just wanted some people’s opinions.
My husband my daughter and myself all go to my MIL house for Christmas Eve which is a 3 hour drive away. Anyway we had a lovely Christmas Eve loads of extended family etc, later on when everyone had left I took our 3 year old to bed who had already fallen asleep on the sofa then my husband and myself brought all her Christmas presents in from the car which were all packed in black bags we sat them in the lounge but did not unpack them plan was to do it before we went to bed. Our daughter woke up and came walking along the hallway towards the lounge so I hurriedly took her back to bed and fell asleep with her. I woke in the middle of the night and thought I would go take a peek into the lounge at all her presents laid out but to my surprise they were all still in black bags I was really annoyed nobody had unpacked them as she at an age where Santa comes and leaves all her presents out he doesn’t leave them at the side of the table in black bags Christmas is supposed to be magical for 3 year olds it’s the lovely surprise of getting up in the morning to see Santa has left you lovely gifts!! Anyway later on in the morning when I got a private moment with my husband I asked him why he never unpacked the gifts his reaction was one of anger he took it really personal saying I was bringing him down, looking for fault purposely trying to cause an argument etc etc it became really quite heated and I got quite upset his mother got involved siding with him and I just wished I hadn’t opened my mouth but it was merely a question I did not expect it to escalate to what it did. I ended up feeling so upset and uncomfortable I never went for Christmas dinner at another family members house and on Boxing Day the atmosphere was so bad I had to get a friend to come and pick me up.
I now feel utterly miserable was I really so unreasonable and such a dreadful person
I can’t believe something so trivial has caused so much crap

OP posts:
Original poster
Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 19:31

SpongeBobJudgeyPants

Yes he is and only son

OP posts:
ElevenSmiles · 27/12/2018 19:31

Op really annoyed doesn't that mean angry ? Lovely memories for you dd mummy didn't come for xmas dinner.

NataliaOsipova · 27/12/2018 19:32

This sounds like one of those cases where it isn’t that your DH has done something obviously wrong, it’s just that her hasn’t done things in the way you wanted them done. I rolled my eyes the other week, for example, when my DH brought our girls to a family party (met me there) in some really scruffy clothes; I would definitely have asked them to get changed given the occasion. But when I stopped and thought about it, it struck me that the issue was mine: they weren’t inappropriately dressed for the weather and they were on time. He just hadn’t done what I would have done. I wonder if there’s a bit of this going on here - hence your OH getting cross? (Not saying he was right to be nasty, just that maybe he didn’t think that the bags mattered in the same way that you did).

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 27/12/2018 19:34

You stroppy mare!!

ISdads · 27/12/2018 19:35

There we go ....

Ops dh was playing to the gallery and mummy dearest stepped in to rescue him

CottonSock · 27/12/2018 19:36

I can see me having a word with dh if he didn't help, and he would probably mutter sorry / thought you did it blah blah. But it hopefully would not lead to massive upset. Arguments usually are about silly things, but no way should your mil have involved herself.

Serialweightwatcher · 27/12/2018 19:36

Were you stroppy with him when you asked why presents hadn't been arranged nicely? If so, he got stroppy back no doubt and his mum will probably always be on his side, whether it's required or not

Original poster
Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 19:38

ElevenSmiles

No doesn’t mean angry

OP posts:
exLtEveDallas · 27/12/2018 19:40

If my husband shouted at me loudly enough for his mother to hear, and then join in, I wouldn't have gone for a fucking meal with them either.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2018 19:40

I actually don't think the Op was out of order for asking, I'm finding it a little difficult to believe that she spoke no other words and stood silently while DH went off on a rant and then his mother took a turn but hey, maybe she did.

I suspect this was one of those petty Christmas rows that blow up over some non issue in a lot of families (seriously, my parents always bloody had one!) but somebody needs to say "ok can we just leave this now and enjoy our Christmas". Instead Op and DH seemingly managed to put in the whole morning, right through to whenever they were due to go for dinner, in a huff with each other and then Op didn't go. I think DH was a dick because of his reaction but I think they were all BU to allow it to turn into two days of sulking and a horrible atmosphere.

Balibabe1 · 27/12/2018 19:40

How did your poor DD react when you stropped off? That was poor behaviour, none of you shine in this post. At the magical age of 3 iwoukd have been more concerned to her having that atmosphere ruining her Christmas.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/12/2018 19:42

Yes, he should have thought to do it. And I don't see anything wrong with mentioning it if it was done in a 'nice' way. Not "Why on earth did you not put DD's gifts out?" but "Can't believe we forgot to put DD's gifts out! Good thing I woke up in the middle of the night, eh?". Whether or not DH was unreasonable to snap at you depends on how you approached him.

MiL should have stayed out of both issues. Not her job to unpack the gifts without being told it was ok to do it and she certainly shouldn't get involved in a quarrel between a husband & wife.

SilverySurfer · 27/12/2018 19:42

Sounds like over-reactions on both sides. The world wouldn't have ended if the presents hadn't been taken out of the bags. It wouldn't have taken much imagination to come up with a reason for your child - eg 'oh my goodness, you have so many presents, Santa had to deliver them in sacks' or similar.

Not going to the family lunch and getting a friend to collect you was completely OTT.

Original poster
Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 19:50

Balibabe1

I’m devastated my lovely little girl had to witness this and I’m devastated I never had Christmas dinner with her it’s terrible.
I went into another room after he shouted at me as I don’t want my daughter seeing me upset and hoped things would just calm down but sadly they never.

OP posts:
Ostagazuzulum · 27/12/2018 19:54

Out of interest, how are things now? Hope they've settled a bit. He should have unpacked them, he shouldn't have overreacted, his mother shouldn't have got involved and the whole situation shouldn't have been allowed to fester. I think the longer its left, the harder it is to recover and maybe as awful as it would have felt, you should have gone to the other family dinner etc just to break ice? Just a consideration (I can imagine how hard it is - I'm not comfy with my in laws either and do best to avoid conflict even though MIL is like peggy Mitchell defending her boy at things as small as banter!!!)

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2018 19:58

So what's happened since Insta? Is he back home, still at his mothers house, have you spoken since you left? Sorry, I'm not trying to be nosy it's just that it seems such a petty thing to have been allowed by all involved to get completely out of hand and you've not said whether there's any background here ie does he often go ott at any criticism, what's your relationship with Mil normally like and so on, which might be relevant

Original poster
Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 19:59

Ostagazuzulum

I’m obviously back at home and DH and DD still at MIL

OP posts:
toucan12 · 27/12/2018 20:01

Lots of comments on other people's marriages here.... Hmm

OP it may be an over reaction to a simple question, and you should be able to ask him simple questions. However it also reads like you are blaming him and playing the martyr a little bit here. You both went to bed without sorting out the presents, you just happened to wake up in the night and fix it.

MIL shouldn't have got involved and your DH certainly shouldn't have let her. However you shouldn't then have refused to eat dinner.

I hope you manage to sort things out, maybe ask him why he was so upset in case there is something else going on? And then discuss how best to handle arguments at the PILs in future.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2018 20:01

Oh dear! Well, it's got to a point where it hardly matters who was BU on the day. What if neither of you holds out an olive branch?

Cloglover · 27/12/2018 20:04

Am so sorry that you have had such a crap couple of days. It sounds like a throwaway comment on your behalf (that you had every right to make!) That has been way over reacted to. Is he normally like this? Or is this unusual? The fact that neither of you have felt able to clear the air after several days is concerning.

Original poster
Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 20:04

He doesn’t react well to any sort of questioning or worse still criticism and is more often than not extremely defensive.
MIL will always defend him and I get that I’m a mother myself, but sometimes it’s ok to say he’s wrong

OP posts:
Cloglover · 27/12/2018 20:07

...and it's sad that it sounds like you have excluded yourself from your daughters Christmas because of it.

Cloglover · 27/12/2018 20:11

You need to decide if it's something you can put up with in the long term. To not be able to question or critics a partner and co parent does not make for an equal relationship. And if you do - this is the kind of scenario that will play out. When the dust settled I think you need to sit down and discuss it.x

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2018 20:14

it's sad that it sounds like you have excluded yourself from your daughters Christmas because of it

It's even more sad that dd has two parents (and a gm) who are apparently willing to allow a row continue for days! Jeez Op I get that you were upset but this really isn't a healthy way to live and it will have an effect on your dd. It gets to the point where it stops mattering who was most unreasonable, you're both allowing this to fester.

Chapterandverse · 27/12/2018 20:15

WHY should OP have said nothing?

There must be some doormats on this thread who would have meekly accepted their husbands uselessness. I would not have and would have brought up the fact that the gifts weren't laid out. It's not fucking rocket science!!!!!!

Why is your dd still there? God knows what plans are being hatched in your absence

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