Leaving Christmas presents in black bags

[Instamummy123]

Just wanted some people’s opinions.
My husband my daughter and myself all go to my MIL house for Christmas Eve which is a 3 hour drive away. Anyway we had a lovely Christmas Eve loads of extended family etc, later on when everyone had left I took our 3 year old to bed who had already fallen asleep on the sofa then my husband and myself brought all her Christmas presents in from the car which were all packed in black bags we sat them in the lounge but did not unpack them plan was to do it before we went to bed. Our daughter woke up and came walking along the hallway towards the lounge so I hurriedly took her back to bed and fell asleep with her. I woke in the middle of the night and thought I would go take a peek into the lounge at all her presents laid out but to my surprise they were all still in black bags I was really annoyed nobody had unpacked them as she at an age where Santa comes and leaves all her presents out he doesn’t leave them at the side of the table in black bags Christmas is supposed to be magical for 3 year olds it’s the lovely surprise of getting up in the morning to see Santa has left you lovely gifts!! Anyway later on in the morning when I got a private moment with my husband I asked him why he never unpacked the gifts his reaction was one of anger he took it really personal saying I was bringing him down, looking for fault purposely trying to cause an argument etc etc it became really quite heated and I got quite upset his mother got involved siding with him and I just wished I hadn’t opened my mouth but it was merely a question I did not expect it to escalate to what it did. I ended up feeling so upset and uncomfortable I never went for Christmas dinner at another family members house and on Boxing Day the atmosphere was so bad I had to get a friend to come and pick me up.
I now feel utterly miserable was I really so unreasonable and such a dreadful person
I can’t believe something so trivial has caused so much crap

It looks nicer with the presents laid out but your daughter is 3, I really don’t think she cares that much. She is far more likely to have her Christmas spoiled by a horrible atmosphere and you stropping off home early than the precise arrangement of her presents.
If you felt strongly about having the presents out you shouldn’t have gone to bed when you did. I know you went up with your daughter but you didn’t need to stay there and fall asleep.
I can also imagine lots of posters on here complaining that their MIL had interfered if she had moved Santa presents after the parents had gone to bed. They may not have felt comfortable rearranging your gifts. sorry OP i think YABU.

Is he like this when his parents are around but not normally? It sounds like things got quite bad. What happened?

Very odd for your DH not to engage brain and realise it would be sensible to unpack the presents and lay them ready.

If you asked your DH in a “private moment” why he didn’t, how did your MIL get involved?

Such horrible sexist responses here. OP just asked her husband a simple question, he could have just said "I forgot" or "I didn't think it was important" but instead HE got into a giant strop and his mum also ganged up on OP and they created a bad atmosphere for the whole of Christmas yet all that is OP's fault because she asked a simple question. She only left on Boxing day so she didn't run of during Christmas day. If MiL was making her so uncomfortable (and it was very inappropriate for her to get involved in the first place) I don't see why she should stay.

It just seems like a relatively trivial issue escalated very quickly, is there background here? I mean I probably would be surprised and a bit irritated that nobody thought to do it or woke me to check if they weren't sure but that's all. It's odd that it turned into a row that his mother got involved in, ended up with you missing Christmas dinner and a horrible atmosphere the next day. What's your relationship with DH/his family like generally?

Is your DH always this petty, OP?

I couldn't stand someone who a) overreacted so badly to an innocent question and b) won't let it go and continues ruining the atmosphere into the next day.

No way Jose!

What odd responses - did none of you read the post? OP wasn't the one who had a giant strop, her DH did and then MiL got involved and created a horrible atmosphere for the entire Christmas period. Why should OP have to walk around on egg shells and not ask a simple question of her DH for fear of his massive over reaction? It's common sense that you don't leave presents in rubbish bags - it was a total valid question and a normal DH wouldn't have such a ridiculous reaction to it.

But your overreaction seems far worse than your husbands.. well, you’ve not even said how your husband actually overreacted yet..

He should have thought on, engaged his brain and laid out the presents. But there was no real harm done at that point.

Obviously we weren’t there to see how the OP brought it up later on Christmas Day but no-showing at a relatives house for Christmas dinner was ridiculously rude and aggressive.

What did your child do - did she still go for Christmas dinner with her dad/without you? How about when you left on Boxing Day - did your daughter go home with you?

You think kids don’t remember these things but she will. You did some real damage there. I still remember my parents having a screaming row on Christmas Eve when they thought we were all asleep and I was only 2 (one month off being 3) at the time.

You really fucked up.

Yanbu Op. I too would have been disappointed in your dh. I wouldn't expect Mil to do it but she might have asked your dh.
What sad sacks leave presents in a bin bag behind the coffee table.
Not so 'd'h massively overreacted. This sounds like the top of the iceberg.

His mother became involved because when I asked him privately he then raised his voice when he responded to me so she heard him.
I felt unable to then sit with them for Christmas dinner as I was really extremely upset with the way he spoke to me, it escalated very very quickly and he was so angry, by Boxing Day I had just had enough the atmosphere was horrible.
My husband works away from home for quite long periods of time between 4-6 weeks at a time so I do do everything and that’s fine.
It’s the way he reacted that’s the issue

This is so unimportant. We were behind with Christmas, so our children just got told that they mustn't come into the dining room/downstairs because we had "elf work" to do. It didn't spoil the magic of Christmas for them one little bit.

From an outside perspective it sounds like you massively overreacted. You keep say the "3 other adults" but really only your husband would be the only one to do this, how would you PIL know what the presents are and what you wanted doing with them.

It's odd that you place so much blame at the door of your DH in almost ruining the magic of Christmas with the way the presents are arranged but don't go to a planned Christmas meal and then leave all together. Those things surely ruin the "magic"??

Your DH should have done it.

Does he always leave all the preparation and planning and boring shit to you? What a tool.

He had no right to speak to you like that and your MIL should not have got involved at all. However, for your daughter's sake it would have been better to put a 'face' on it and deal with the matter privately in your own home.

The row is probably what she will remember, unfortunately.

Perhaps from now on you need to clarify expectations between you, insist that any disputes are private, and that your ILs absolutely don't get involved!

Ah, the 'raising my voice so that mummy will hear and see all I have to put up with my naggy wife'. My XH used to pull this kind of stunt. Is he a mummy's boy OP?

I would have completely being with you about your husbands overreaction. How he lost his cool over a simple question but boy you all behaved very badly.
Santa will be upset with all of you. Husband, mil and you. Really ott and out of control.
How to spoil a Christmas 101. He and his mother were very rude to you but then it went nuclear.
I hope lessons are learn at how to not ruin Christmas for the kids.
Naughty corner for all of you.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe
My relationship with his family is not great we actually don’t see them much last time my daughter saw her grandma was 10 months ago other family members last Christmas

This is such a non issue, I can't believe you both completely over reacted.
On finding nobody had spread them out, I might have inwardly 'tutted' and that would have been it. No reason to bring it up afterwards.
Definitely no reason for your dh to start shouting about it unless this was the 14th thing you'd 'had a quiet word about' that morning.
Absolutely wrong for any other adult - ie your MiL - to get involved in an argument between a couple, however indiscreet they were being.
Then, what a completely OTT reaction to not join them for family Christmas dinner . What kind of example are you setting your dd?

So yes, you, your dh, and you MiL were ALL being U.

I ended up feeling so upset and uncomfortable I never went for Christmas dinner at another family members house and on Boxing Day the atmosphere was so bad I had to get a friend to come and pick me up.

All this because no-one took the presents out of the bag? This does seem like an over-reaction to me OP, what did your DD do when you didn't go for Christmas dinner and disappeared on Boxing Day? Have you done this before, got very upset and done a bit of a disappearing act - I do understand the frustration of being the only one to do anything but the ensuing drama is slightly unbelievable!

There must be some massive backstory here because the reactions on both sides are off-the-scale compared to the initial problem

These comments are literally mad. Either you think OP is lying or you are all just in horrible marriages. Why the hell can't OP ask a simple question? How is that over reacting? If DH didn't think it was a big deal he can politely say so why the hell does that warrant his shouted response? He sounds borderline abusive if he can't handle a simple question without lashing out he has serious issues.

I feel for you OP. I think your husband massively overreacted. But Christmas does make people more stressed and easy to anger.

But still! Massive overreaction on his part- he was wrong to raise his voice and his mother in law was VERY wrong to have joined in!

I feel for you- being stuck in their house and feeling ganged up on by them... it must have felt really oppressive. But I would have braved it out enough to not prematurely end Christmas for my daughter by leaving early. I don't think you should have left. Though it's understandable why you did.

One thing - I know it's typical mumsnet response to suggest affair at the slightest whiff of marital discord - but your husband is often away... and the fact he overreacted and was quite mean to you - is something going on maybe? I'm not suggesting an affair necessarily but perhaps an emotional distance has set in due to the lack of quality couple time? I would try to sit down with him afterwards and have a very serious but genuine talk about how that row was a wake up call for you. Say you found what he said incredibly hurtful but you realised you hurt him badly too. And you feel that the two of you need to get back on the same page with regards to being a connected couple and that starts with scheduling time for just the two of you to spend some quality time as just two of you to fall back in love with each other.

I usually try to be kind in anything I post, but today not so much. Can people not read ? Or don't bother ? Or just looking for a chance to criticize ? The issue isn't the presents, the black bags, who should have unpacked them, nor how Santa would or wouldn't leave out gifts. The OP asked a simple question of her husband and he reacted by yelling and drawing his mother into the argument, which continued as a hostile and uncomfortable atmosphere for the OP for two days until she had no choice but to leave. I feel for you OP, I really do. Your husband and MIL were way out of line, I doubt you will get an apology from her, but I sincerely hope your husband realizes how nasty he was and returns with an abject apology for his awful behaviour.

But did it matter? He obviously forgot (I'm assuming it wasn't deliberate) and you also forgot. It got done, although I don't think it would have mattered if it didn't. I guess I'm wondering if he overreacted or if you did. Your reaction afterwards is really pretty rude. I can't believe this much fighting about a bog of gifts. It's crazy to hear how much pettiness people have at Christmas. The whole point of the season is supposed to be generosity and family.

all this because no-one took the presents out of the bag? This does seem like an over-reaction to me OP

Seriously READ THE OP. She was upset because her DH shouted at her and spoke to her in an unacceptable way.