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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving Christmas presents in black bags

192 replies

Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 18:23

Just wanted some people’s opinions.
My husband my daughter and myself all go to my MIL house for Christmas Eve which is a 3 hour drive away. Anyway we had a lovely Christmas Eve loads of extended family etc, later on when everyone had left I took our 3 year old to bed who had already fallen asleep on the sofa then my husband and myself brought all her Christmas presents in from the car which were all packed in black bags we sat them in the lounge but did not unpack them plan was to do it before we went to bed. Our daughter woke up and came walking along the hallway towards the lounge so I hurriedly took her back to bed and fell asleep with her. I woke in the middle of the night and thought I would go take a peek into the lounge at all her presents laid out but to my surprise they were all still in black bags I was really annoyed nobody had unpacked them as she at an age where Santa comes and leaves all her presents out he doesn’t leave them at the side of the table in black bags Christmas is supposed to be magical for 3 year olds it’s the lovely surprise of getting up in the morning to see Santa has left you lovely gifts!! Anyway later on in the morning when I got a private moment with my husband I asked him why he never unpacked the gifts his reaction was one of anger he took it really personal saying I was bringing him down, looking for fault purposely trying to cause an argument etc etc it became really quite heated and I got quite upset his mother got involved siding with him and I just wished I hadn’t opened my mouth but it was merely a question I did not expect it to escalate to what it did. I ended up feeling so upset and uncomfortable I never went for Christmas dinner at another family members house and on Boxing Day the atmosphere was so bad I had to get a friend to come and pick me up.
I now feel utterly miserable was I really so unreasonable and such a dreadful person
I can’t believe something so trivial has caused so much crap

OP posts:
KimchiLaLa · 27/12/2018 20:18

This all seems like much of a muchness.

My DH wouldn't have done it as it just wouldn't have occurred to him. He's just not sentimental enough. He'll do other things, but with something like this it's like his brain doesn't automatically get "it".

However if him and the GM knew the plan then yes, one of them should have taken the initiative.

I feel like you're making a big deal out of it though.

bunnyup · 27/12/2018 20:19

I agree you should have said nothing. It wasn’t worth the fallout

The 1950s called, they're missing you. Tread lightly now, don't want to upset any of the very important men Hmm

Walkingdeadfangirl · 27/12/2018 20:22

YABU to spoil everyone's xmas just because some presents weren't laid out for your 3yo PFB in the pattern you wanted rather than in the Santa sacks your husband left them in.

It wouldn't have made a single jot of difference to your DC.

You are now on the naughty list.

Original poster
Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 20:25

Chapterandverse

I can only imagine!!
But I can’t sit and worry about what they are now saying in my absence. It will be nothing good anyway. I’m missing my daughter terribly as I’ve never spent a night without her in 3 years but they did have other things planned so, the thought of another argument because I was taking her home just wasn’t an option and I want her to enjoy her time with them and the rest of the Christmas plans

OP posts:
BackforGood · 27/12/2018 20:26

If I were in a strangers house and realised they'd fallen asleep before laying out the santa gifts, i'd do it for them!!

In this case the OP was in her in-laws house. And neither mil or her dh laid out the gifts. It's common sense!!!!

Not really. In our house Father Christmas has always delivered a sack of presents, and left them in the sack.

You can't have read many MN threads if you believe whatever a MiL did (even if they'd even noticed, or thought it was 'a thing') would be the 'right' thing in an OP's mind. Wink

Lot of judging of other posters marriages or relationships on here. Just because someone has a different opinion from you doesn't mean they live in a bad relationship - that's a bit of a jump even for MN threads.

LIZS · 27/12/2018 20:29

Did it matter really? Were you not just spoiling for a fight by raising it on Christmas Day by which time it was a non issue. His reaction was not reasonable though.

Original poster
Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 20:31

LIZS

OMG absolutely not

OP posts:
ElevenSmiles · 27/12/2018 20:31

He forget why ask, if being a doormat doesn't spoil my dd's xmas then so be it.

steff13 · 27/12/2018 20:34

There must be some doormats on this thread who would have meekly accepted their husbands uselessness.

I'm no doormat, but it's not really a big deal. It would have irritated me in the moment, but as no harm was done, I'd have let it go. There's no point in bringing up a (very, very) minor issue that's already been resolved. 🤷

In this case, had the OP not brought it up, she'd be spending Christmas with her daughter. But she's not.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2018 20:37

I don't know Op, posters have asked whether there's a back story that might go some way to explaining how a petty row got to this (and might mean posters could offer some advice) but you've not answered which means people can only carry on with he was BU, no you were BU, no you were both BU. That's your choice of course but for me it paints a picture of someone who's focus is on being right rather than the bigger picture of how you two communicate, the state of your relationship and the effect on your dd. It suggests someone who's quite stubborn which doesn't really fit with the I merely asked a question in a conversational tone storyline.

It doesn't really matter what anyone posting here thinks but this is your real life, your marriage and your dd.

LIZS · 27/12/2018 20:42

Sadly you have rather cut off your nose to spite your face by raising it. It is not the sack which is the problem but your resentment, rightly or wrongly, of your h and his family's priorities. You are missing your dd at Christmas about an oversight. Addressing your relationship issues could have waited. When are they due back?

Cloglover · 27/12/2018 20:43

No no no. Had her partner not reacted the way he did, she would have spent Christmas with her daughter. An unnecessary criticism shouldn't lead to 4 days of arguments and bad feeling.

Original poster
Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 20:48

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

Hi yes I understand why you would ask that.
I truly did just ask “why didn’t you unpack the presents” absolutely no malice intended but his reaction absolutely floored me as it was completely ott.
My husband is very much the alpha male, the man of the house. Very ambitious and successful and likes to be in charge. He is a good man, looks after us very well but does not like to be questioned or challenged.
He is very much always right and that can sometimes be difficult to live with.
We have been together for 15 years so a long time and I know he is this way.
Occasionally though he can be quite overbearing and stubborn.

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2018 20:48

An unnecessary criticism shouldn't lead to 4 days of arguments and bad feeling

No it certainly shouldn't but they've both actually allowed that. I'd be interested to hear the DH version of events because I suspect they were both as bad as each other though ultimately my 'advice' would be the same: if your relationship is that shit then end it, if it's not and this came completely out of nowhere then cop yourselves on and talk to each other. Sulking won't fix this and as the child of a sulker who could allow a horrible atmosphere go on for days or even weeks, I can confirm your dd will have picked up on it and isn't having an amazing Christmas!

steff13 · 27/12/2018 20:54

No no no. Had her partner not reacted the way he did, she would have spent Christmas with her daughter.

That's fair. But, the OP doesn't control hire partner's reaction, she only controls hers. And, she chose to let this ruin the rest of her Christmas.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/12/2018 20:57

He is a good man, looks after us very well but does not like to be questioned or challenged.

Then he's not a 'good man'. A good man is reasonable and doesn't mind questions, or even challenges. He is willing to admit fault and that he doesn't know everything. He understands that decisions need to be mutual and that marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. He sounds like a bully to me.

drivingmisspotty · 27/12/2018 21:03

My DP has sulking tendencies.

A few people have said ‘you are both allowing this to fester’. What exactly should the OP do?

I have tried...

  • pretending everything is fine and being breezy... still sulks
  • shouting at him that he is being childish... still sulks
  • calmly saying this is getting us nowhere and trying to discuss the issue like grown ups... still sulks

The point of the sulk is that it removes the power of the other person. They can’t ‘win’ the argument if faced with a brick wall. They get a big punishment for even saying anything in the first place and then they feel relieved when finally the sulk is over.

Nowadays I just try to get on with my life and pretend I am not bothered. We don’t argue very often I have been a good learner and don’t criticise

In OPs shoes I would have carried on with all the Christmas plans but would be dying inside.

But I can understand you walking away OP.

Christmasisforadults2 · 27/12/2018 21:03

Were you expecting people to guess what you needed them to do? Did you mention it to anyone? Does your dp usually help with unpacking the gifts?

You are either one of them people who are always pointing out their partners mistakes and don't she how mean it is, or your partner doesn't like you to question him at all and tells you off when you do.

You've put yourself in an alone at Christmas situation instead of dealing with the problem- why?
You don't get on with them, and I'm not sure that's going to ever change if you left their house, especially because you made a problem out of nothing.

Schmoobarb · 27/12/2018 21:07

You weren’t BU to ask him why he hadn’t unpacked them. I’d have done the same. Not in a naggy way but I’d probably have said in a jokey way “oh thanks for unpacking the presents”.
He was BU with how he reacted
You were BU for letting it ruin your Christmas. I don’t take being spoken to like shit by anyone. I’d have taken my daughter and gone home and left him and his fucking mother to it. He sounds like a dick.

Original poster
Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 21:12

Christmasisforadults2

No I wasn’t hoping people would guess my Husband knows what to do but that is not the issue.
I’m in an “alone at Christmas situation”
Because I felt I had to remove myself from there the atmosphere was horrendous, his mother and him were both sharing a doorway at one point shouting at me I couldn’t stand it anymore so the right thing for me was to leave.

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2018 21:13

The point of the sulk is that it removes the power of the other person. They can’t ‘win’ the argument if faced with a brick wall. They get a big punishment for even saying anything in the first place and then they feel relieved when finally the sulk is over.

While I agree with this misspotty I would suggest that becoming a sulker too doesn't make it any better. Ultimately, a person decides whether they're prepared to stay in a relationship with that kind of partner. If they choose to then fair enough, it's not for me to tell someone to leave but having decided they are prepared to put up with that maybe Christmas at someone else's house isn't the ideal time to suddenly put ones foot down.

exLtEveDallas · 27/12/2018 21:19

But if OP was in a house where she obviously wasn't welcome, should she have just stayed there with a husband and possibly a MIL not talking to her? Ignoring her? I think that would have been a far worse situation for her DD. At least with the OP away from the situation her DD isn't witnessing her Daddy and Granny treating her mummy like dirt.

DillyDilly · 27/12/2018 21:22

When are they due back? If it’s not for a few days yet, I think you should get yourself back there and either stay for your DD’s sake or else collect her and bring her home. Have you spoken to her or your DH since you left ?

LannieDuck · 27/12/2018 21:26

I absolutely would have expected my OH to unpack the xmas presents if I'd fallen asleep looking after our DD. I'm not the only adult in our relationship, and neither am I the only parent to our children. We're both capable of seeing what needs to be done and doing it.

The rest of it sounds horrendous. Is this what your relationship is like normally? He obviously disliked the implied criticism and became argumentative. I couldn't live with someone who over-reacted so badly. But i also can't see how it escalated into such a huge drama. This isn't a healthy relationship to model for your child.

Original poster
Instamummy123 · 27/12/2018 21:34

I’m hoping they come back tomorrow
I did call today to see how my daughter was and asked when they were returning but, he seemed unsure of a definite day.
There is no way on earth I would be going back down there, that would just not be a consideration for me weather it be to stay or to bring my daughter home. The latter would just come across totally aggressive anyway it’s just not something I would do

OP posts: