I am finding my DS difficult

[Doggydoggydoggy]

To the point where me and my DH don’t want to spend much time with him due to his horrible attitude.

It is causing immense tension between my DH and me and I am getting more and more depressed for feeling this way and not knowing what to do.

He is almost 10 and OBSESSED with the PlayStation.
When I say obsessed I mean that he won’t eat or drink or get dressed or brush teeth or anything when on it.
You can talk to him but he doesn’t take on anything you say, for example, you can ask him to turn it off and take the plug out and he will respond with yes okay then turn off the PlayStation and leave without taking out the plug.
When questioned you get ‘I forgot’ or ‘I didn’t hear you’

He is super insanely reactive, he will get incredibly angry or incredibly emotional screaming and crying over absolutely nothing!
Like the internet going down for a second or today when I didn’t want to tell him what his birthday surprise is because then it wouldn’t be a surprise.

PlayStation is all he talks about, the only thing he wants for gifts, when not on PlayStation he wants to watch videos of other people playing PlayStation.

He doesn’t want to try any sports, try any hobbies, he doesn’t want to read, or go for walks or go for days out or visit relatives.
Just game.

Christmas Eve was a turning point when he went to see his grandparents and spent the whole time complaining about bored he was, he wanted to go home, how much longer he has to stay.
He even asked my mil how long he had to stay tomorrow after receiving his presents!!

We have drastically reduced his game time as a result cue lots of crying, your so horrible, I hate you etc.

The time he isn’t on PlayStation He isn’t enjoyable.
He spends the whole entire time arguing with his sister and arguing with us, doing stupid fortnite dances, calling us stupid, telling us to shut up.
Any little thing he has to disagree with.
He nags relentlessly, constantly demanding to know the time so he knows how long he has until PlayStation.
Anything, he will not take no for an answer!
Or today, constantly insisting to know what his birthday surprise was despite me repeatedly saying it was a surprise, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Then crying because he doesn’t like surprises apparently.

Me and DH have now had a massive row because of it because he said (to DS) that he would rather he just stay on his PlayStation all day because his behaviour is so unpleasant that he doesn’t want to spend any time with him.
That he isn’t having the surprise anymore, he can just have what he wants instead - more PlayStation vouchers.
And that he won’t even bother asking him to go out on the walk to the woods tomorrow.

I am so fed up of this!

I wish I had never bought the cunting bastard PlayStation.
I want to get rid of it completely but his attitude away from it is really seriously trying and he flat out refuses to do anything else. At all!

Great that you have clear boundaries in place now. But there also needs to be fun and love and connection. How do you (or could you) have fun / laugh with him? Do you get one on one time purely focused on him?

It sounds like you need to find a way to reconnect with him, and fast, before he hits teen years and you lose all control.

Yikes, strap in for the teenage years. I definitely think you and DH should look into doing a parenting course in the new year.

I certainly wouldn't want one.

But his teacher will. Other parents will. Other children will. When he grows up his boss will. They wont be looking into his heart to judge his sincerity. And it's quite possible that the worse he feels about something the harder he finds it to apologise for it - a lot of adults get into a nasty bind of denial, self justification and blaming other people instead of admitting wrong and apologising. He needs to learn to apologise because it will help him in life, however unwillingly he does it now.

And as an adult he will likely be able to give an insincere apology that appears sincere. I’ve never met a child who can. Looking into their heart isn’t necessary - their body language, facial expression and voice tone and volume all tell everyone loud and clear that they are apologising because their parent has insisted and they are the opposite of sorry. I actually think forced apologies are worse than no apology and don’t encourage children to actually reflect and develop genuine empathy.

I’m all for forced apologies! It surely beats sincere “shut-ups”

Well generally a child with normally developed empathy will want to make amends if they’ve upset someone after they’ve had the chance to calm down and see it from their perspective so it’s unecessary imo. If I have upset someone and they have upset me I might not be ready 5 seconds later to apologise and children are no different.
Just because I wouldn’t force an apology that doesn’t mean If allow my child to sling abuse either. If they needed to calm down they’d be taken away to calm down. ‘Shut up’ isn’t a term they use either as it’s never used at home.

I have an 11 yr old.

Minus the PlayStation, the jekyl and Hyde and the attitude part sound like my life.

Bye bye playstation. He needs to understand the consequences of his behaviour. Some of the other stuff is hormones kicking in I'm afraid, and if you find the answer to that, let me know.

To add, the only thing that does ever work with mine, who has an answer for everything and argues with anything I say, is to totally stonewall him.

I send him to his room, he has nothing fun in there other than books, and he gets ignored. I only respond to positive behaviour now.

To add, the only thing that does ever work with mine, who has an answer for everything and argues with anything I say, is to totally stonewall him.

Isn't this considered abusive behaviour in a partner?

But it's ok to do to a child?

Kleinzeit I actually think the opposite, being forced to apologise can result in either thinking saying the word sorry is enough when you've done something wrong rather then making genuine amends, or resentment around apologising meaning you are reluctant to do it.

Kleinzeit I am a teacher. I don't want one, from an adult or a child. A meaningless apology that has been forced is worthless, which means the behaviour isn't any less likely to stop and unfortunately means children often do something and then say 'I said I'm sorry', as if that makes it all ok. They've literally learned that an apology doesn't need to be genuine but is a get out. No thanks.

unfortunately means children often do something and then say 'I said I'm sorry', as if that makes it all ok.

Well you can't blame them for trying Glib dishonesty may be something you see a lot of in school but it's not the problem that Doggy is facing. If anything her DS seems honest to a fault, like a much younger child.

A meaningless apology that has been forced is worthless, which means the behaviour isn't any less likely to stop

Enforcement doesn't make it meaningless, or worthless. Learning what you must do after you've screwed up is worthwhile, whether or not it also helps you learn to avoid screwing up. And here it might help with that too.

They've literally learned that an apology doesn't need to be genuine but is a get out.

Having to stop and apologise isn't just a get-out, it's a reasonable consequence for rudeness to your family. I agree you'd need other consequences (as well as the apology) to stop other kinds of misbehaviour.

Well generally a child with normally developed empathy...

This is the boy who thought it was OK to ask his granny how soon he could leave after getting his Christmas presents. Not unusual for nine, I'm sure, but not the empathy high-score either. So it might be a good idea to get him used to doing the action without waiting for all the understanding, while the OP works on the understanding in other ways too.

If I have upset someone and they have upset me I might not be ready 5 seconds later to apologise and children are no different.

That might depend on whether he and his sister are both upsetting each other or if he's just treating her as a handy target to vent his frustration about not being able to play the game. Having to stop what he's doing and apologise every single time is a reasonable response to stop him venting at her. The OP should be able to tell if he needs calm-down time as he probably wont do it without, and if it's mutual annoyance not just venting then his DSis should apologise to him too.

Anyway there's a couple of other things besides whether he apologises or not. I agree with pp that he's also going to need a lot of positivity, encouragement and praise (and ignoring minor grumpiness) and a sense that his parents really do want his company, to balance the strict boundaries and consistent consequences. And the suggestion of parenting classes is quite a good one. I've done a lot over the years (ordinary, challenging behaviour, and ASC specific!) and they've all been worthwhile in different ways. And extra useful if you can get your DH to come along too so you can support each other and really be on the same page.

I'm ashamed to say our five year old became similar with the not wanting to do anything else part when I let him watch too much TV.
It came to a head when we went abroad and he spent the first three days pining for the iPad or tv.
Basically we cut it all back to 30 mins a day and he is back to his little happy self , it is also a good behavior incentive that if he wants that 30 mins he has to try hard.

I know an adult who can't apologise. It drives his wife mad.
I remember one occasion when he did something unintentionally that upset me. I couldn't let the issue go but eventually he apologised and that was enough. I could let it go then.
My reaction backed up his wife and he's been a lot better since.

Sorry, what I'm trying to say that you should make them apologise. It needs to become a way of life.

It’s good that you’re going to be restricting access in future. Unlimited screen time isn’t doing him any favours.

But what I will say is that you need to be careful to try and replace screen time with age-appropriate activities with his peers- or otherwise life is going to seem like one long punishment between Fortnite sessions to him.

Kids grow up, and most go through phases where going for walks in the woods with their parents really isn’t an appealing way to spend the afternoon. You need to work with him to find other stuff he’d genuinely enjoy.

I agree, @Yulebealrite it's very important for children to learn to say 'sorry'. I often get the response from my DDs, 'She started it' or 'It was an accident.' I explain to them that we say 'sorry' for accidents, too, because we're sorry that we hurt them, even if we didn't mean to.

It's also an important lesson for them to learn, that we all screw up sometimes and need to face up to it.

I think it really helps when we as parents practise what they preach and apologise to our children when we've screwed up, as we all do at times.

Believe it or not, they will learn to say sorry by being apologised to, by being allowed some time. I promise! Hope things going ok OP!