I am finding my DS difficult

[Doggydoggydoggy]

To the point where me and my DH don’t want to spend much time with him due to his horrible attitude.

It is causing immense tension between my DH and me and I am getting more and more depressed for feeling this way and not knowing what to do.

He is almost 10 and OBSESSED with the PlayStation.
When I say obsessed I mean that he won’t eat or drink or get dressed or brush teeth or anything when on it.
You can talk to him but he doesn’t take on anything you say, for example, you can ask him to turn it off and take the plug out and he will respond with yes okay then turn off the PlayStation and leave without taking out the plug.
When questioned you get ‘I forgot’ or ‘I didn’t hear you’

He is super insanely reactive, he will get incredibly angry or incredibly emotional screaming and crying over absolutely nothing!
Like the internet going down for a second or today when I didn’t want to tell him what his birthday surprise is because then it wouldn’t be a surprise.

PlayStation is all he talks about, the only thing he wants for gifts, when not on PlayStation he wants to watch videos of other people playing PlayStation.

He doesn’t want to try any sports, try any hobbies, he doesn’t want to read, or go for walks or go for days out or visit relatives.
Just game.

Christmas Eve was a turning point when he went to see his grandparents and spent the whole time complaining about bored he was, he wanted to go home, how much longer he has to stay.
He even asked my mil how long he had to stay tomorrow after receiving his presents!!

We have drastically reduced his game time as a result cue lots of crying, your so horrible, I hate you etc.

The time he isn’t on PlayStation He isn’t enjoyable.
He spends the whole entire time arguing with his sister and arguing with us, doing stupid fortnite dances, calling us stupid, telling us to shut up.
Any little thing he has to disagree with.
He nags relentlessly, constantly demanding to know the time so he knows how long he has until PlayStation.
Anything, he will not take no for an answer!
Or today, constantly insisting to know what his birthday surprise was despite me repeatedly saying it was a surprise, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Then crying because he doesn’t like surprises apparently.

Me and DH have now had a massive row because of it because he said (to DS) that he would rather he just stay on his PlayStation all day because his behaviour is so unpleasant that he doesn’t want to spend any time with him.
That he isn’t having the surprise anymore, he can just have what he wants instead - more PlayStation vouchers.
And that he won’t even bother asking him to go out on the walk to the woods tomorrow.

I am so fed up of this!

I wish I had never bought the cunting bastard PlayStation.
I want to get rid of it completely but his attitude away from it is really seriously trying and he flat out refuses to do anything else. At all!

What was he involved in before he got PlayStation. Tbh I would never get PS for a kid who wasn't already into sports, Music etc to the point that they're going training, have matches, going to classes to learn instrument etc. Has he given up other interests for PS?

Either way, as of now , I'd tell him that once he's back in school he has no ps Mon to Thurs, and say 2 or 3 hrs sat and / or Sunday. And I'd tell him it'll be removed for bad behaviour.

He is addicted and this is really serious. Whilst addictions to gaming are different, in some respects from chemical addictions, it is worth considering whether you would encourage an alcoholic to continue to drink to avoid "social disadvantage" .

Some children and adults can enjoy gaming and have their lives enriched by it. Others get addicted and have their lives trashed by it. It isn't about intelligence or virtue, just luck of the draw. It sounds as though your poor DS is in the second category. Please help him. At 10 years old you still can take control and break the cycle.

This is interesting as my 9 year old ds sounds very similar to yours with the PlayStation. He does have ASD and my thoughts when reading the op were that their behaviour around it is near identical.

However I'm now unsure of whether it's because of his ASD that he reacts this way to the PlayStation or whether it's a seperate issue!

My son only has a PlayStation at his dad's at the weekend but is unfortunately allowed to spend the entire time he is there on it.

This is why he doesn't have one at home, his behaviour is horrendous and he is a very angry difficult child when he's with his dad. He tries to refuse to leave the house and goes into meltdown if his dad even needs to go to the shop, he can't see how he can be away from the PlayStation for 20 mins. He manages without a ps all week when he's at home because his routines are different here, although he does have a tablet which he uses at set times for short periods. Luckily he's never escalated with the tablet use!

I think whether your son may have ASD or not the ps needs to be cut right down, I probably wouldn't remove it completely but I would control the time spent on it.

I use visual timers and routine boards for my children (3 ASD), ASD or not these may help! Good luck

Do you show your DC respect? Do you actually listen to them, all you handwringing, screen-fearing smash-their-stuff-and-force-them-to-obey types? OP's clearly ignoring her son's dislike of 'surprises', for instance, which is often an indicator of a parent who doesn't see the child as a person with a right to his/her own opinions.

It seems to me that most of the problems with 'gaming addiction' stem from stupid parents who believe all the scaremongering bullshit and can't accept their DC as individuals, so spend all their time trying to enforce arbitrary, pointless rules about how much time their DC can spend doing as they wish (ie the 'limiting' is not based on things like needing to do schoolwork or chores, but on some nonsense the parent read elsewhere about oo, waaa, restrict them to exactly 8.5 minutes a day or their heads will melt).
Try negotiating with your DC as if you believe they are people, rather than domestic animals you can own and bully. It might help.

Reanimated-I am not sure whether you are trying to wind people up or whether you are attempting to make a point. But giving you the benefit of the doubt, read some of the objective evidence about gaming addictions. They aren't inevitable, but they are a reality for SOME people, children and adults. A child of 10 is unlikely to have the emotional or cognitive capacity to deal with being unlucky enough to have developed such an addiction, make good choices and seek help.

Autonomy and respect for children doesn't look the same as autonomy and respect for adults. This isn't because they are animals or slaves, but because their capacity to process decisions is still developing. A choice which isn't free and informed by an ability to fully appreciate the consequences isn't a real choice.

A toddler might not want to brush their teeth, but making them do so, or doing it for them is appropriate, because they don't understand the causal link between oral hygiene and tooth decay, and therefore aren't weighing up the possibility and pain of an abscess when refusing to use a tooth brush. The same principles apply to regulating screen time.

ReanimatedSGB

No that's total rubbish, there is a wealth of evidence about gaming addiction. It's a real issue and can have a long term impact, especially on young children. If your child loving eating sweets - you wouldn't just accept that about them and allow them to eat nothing but sweets despite the fact it made them moody, unhealthy and unable to sleep properly. The same is true of gaming.

While you have to adapt your parenting to the child you have and treat them with dignity and respect you also have to accept that children don't have the same capacity for long term thought as adults. That's why you need to insist on some things they don't want to do.

I haven't seen anything about 'gaming addiction' that wasn't the same old scaremongering, scientifically dubious bullshit as all the other moral panics. I'm old enough to remember screaming bucketheads demanding that heavy metal music get banned because it made teenagers kill themselves due to all the 'backward masking satanic influences'. Frankly, there is no scientifically sound theory of 'addiction' of any kind; most of what is touted about is variations of the superstitious nonsense peddled by 12-step programmes (which are both rubbish and have very high failure rates).

Get rid.

You know how, back in the days when a high % of people smoked, there were lots of people who could have the odd cigarette when they chose and then leave them alone the rest of the time, and then there were (and are) other people who, once they started smoking, were hopelessly addicted and had to smoke all day long?

It's roughly the same with technology. Your son is one of the people who can't do this in moderation. You need to do the tech equivalent of giving up smoking.

Once he is an adult he can go ahead and get addicted to tech again if he wants to, but at least you will make it possible to live with him more pleasantly in the here and now.

ReanimatedSGB

Multiple studies have shown shrinkage in grey matter, reduction in abilities in executive function, planning increases in impulsivity in addition to compromised white matter integrity meaning reduced communication between different areas of the brain. These are peered reviewed papers (here and here are just two examples, there are many more).

So you're saying that since some people said that metal music was bad for people anything from now on that is suggested even in scientific journals to be bad for young people can be written off as hysteria? What are your qualifications for making such a dramatic statement?

I could equally say that plenty of people insisted smoking was healthy and the studies reflecting negative health affects were just moral panic.

Reanimated-there have been some relevant articles in the Lancet.

I note that you didn't have an answer to the wider point about chikdren and capacity/decision-making? For someone accusing others of being irrational, you seem a bit short on rational argument/inclined to ignore what you can't respond to.

Do not get rid of the play station!! If he does have autism then you’ll likely make the situation much worse by doing so. Instead do as other pps have said and take him to your GP for an assessment. You might want to read up on aspergers in the meantime and see if your son has the symptoms - if he does then perhaps consider raising this with your GP.

It is not really known how human brains work. The media are ever so keen on 'Science Shows... whatever' but most of the current theories have no more solid proof than all that stuff about the shape of the skull being an indicator of your moral values. Most of the 'science' is speculation. Including stuff about capacity and decision-making, which is generally used to justify whatever adults feel like doing to children.

There is, generally, a huge issue around pleasure/enjoyment, which we are all supposed to fear and restrict and ration, both for ourselves and for other people. Remember that the constant banging on about 'hard work' and the distinction between deserving and undeserving poor is all bullshit set up to justify exploitation, bullying and control. Much of the anti-screen nonsense comes from the same place - people really enjoy playing computer games so this MUST BE BAD. They should be scrubbing the floors of their betters, or doing something that bores them, so that they know their place...

Reanimated-I see that you don't have any way of responding to points which you don't like. Can you rebut or engage with the evidence in the studies other posters have linked to? Can you answer my point about children having different needs and capacity from adults? Obviously not. You appear to be either utterly irrational, really dim or just trying to get a reaction out of people. I suspect the last of these, but who knows?

I think it might be worth getting rid of the console altogether. It doesn’t seem to be something he’s able to play on for a while and then find something else. It will be tough but he won’t tantrum forever.

What kind of point is people thinking screens are bad so children should be scrubbing the floors of their betters and know their place?
I can’t see what point you’re making. Are you saying that if children want to play computer games constantly to the detriment of their mental and physical wellbeing, we should let them?

Sorry that was to Reanimated

The media may not know how the brain works but scientists have been studying it for years both physically and cognitively and have published their research. I have no idea where the undeserving poor and scrubbing floors came into this discussion. The hyperbole is a tad over the top.
However back in the real world, the American Association of Pediatrics has a position paper with a link to a number of accredited and peer reviewed studies. You can google it.

That child needs a long walk up a steep hill. A good tiring out.

Just bin the bloody thing .. my sons behaviour was awful with the iPad and he got obsessed . I binned it , it was horrible for a good while but we got over it and now he plays with toys and cars like a 7 year old should .
You really don't want him to hit puberty with this attitude to the game and you . 😬

Go tech free january. Take everyone's tech away for the month when at home.

Are the games he’s playing age appropriate for a 10 year old. Most I think are 12 plus?
Your son could end up a gamer who gets a living from this or he could end up a saddo who doesn’t leave his room.

He’s 10, you are in control not him. I wouldn’t let him get away with rudeness or bad manners and the PlayStation would be confiscated, never to return if he continues to abuse his family.

Reanimated, I hate the idea of bullying my DC and I am aware that it's something a lot of parents unwittingly do. But how is it bullying to prohibit something that you know is not good for your child? How is it wrong to restrict something you don't think is good for a young child's development so they have time for other activities? As the adult parents have to make these decisions all the time.

Eg I wish my parents had restricted my sugar intake, it was often a free for all and as an adult i binge regularly. A friend wishes her parents had encouraged her to keep up piano, I wish I wasn't made keep on ballet; parents don't always get it right, of course. My dc plays with a small boy who's behaviour and language is questionable but they get on great so he's not all in his house- where things have gone wrong before- but he's allowed play outside with him where we can see and the child is welcome in our house. We're making these kinds of decisions all the time for our dc.

It’s not the PlayStation that’s the problem, but your poor parenting. Who’s in charge in your house? Who is the adult? You take it away and have a schedule of use.

If he’s bored then he will find something to do. It’s not your responsibility to give him minute by minute attention. Boredom is actually good for children according to some child psychologists as it lets children find their own activities and use their own imagination.