I am finding my DS difficult

[Doggydoggydoggy]

To the point where me and my DH don’t want to spend much time with him due to his horrible attitude.

It is causing immense tension between my DH and me and I am getting more and more depressed for feeling this way and not knowing what to do.

He is almost 10 and OBSESSED with the PlayStation.
When I say obsessed I mean that he won’t eat or drink or get dressed or brush teeth or anything when on it.
You can talk to him but he doesn’t take on anything you say, for example, you can ask him to turn it off and take the plug out and he will respond with yes okay then turn off the PlayStation and leave without taking out the plug.
When questioned you get ‘I forgot’ or ‘I didn’t hear you’

He is super insanely reactive, he will get incredibly angry or incredibly emotional screaming and crying over absolutely nothing!
Like the internet going down for a second or today when I didn’t want to tell him what his birthday surprise is because then it wouldn’t be a surprise.

PlayStation is all he talks about, the only thing he wants for gifts, when not on PlayStation he wants to watch videos of other people playing PlayStation.

He doesn’t want to try any sports, try any hobbies, he doesn’t want to read, or go for walks or go for days out or visit relatives.
Just game.

Christmas Eve was a turning point when he went to see his grandparents and spent the whole time complaining about bored he was, he wanted to go home, how much longer he has to stay.
He even asked my mil how long he had to stay tomorrow after receiving his presents!!

We have drastically reduced his game time as a result cue lots of crying, your so horrible, I hate you etc.

The time he isn’t on PlayStation He isn’t enjoyable.
He spends the whole entire time arguing with his sister and arguing with us, doing stupid fortnite dances, calling us stupid, telling us to shut up.
Any little thing he has to disagree with.
He nags relentlessly, constantly demanding to know the time so he knows how long he has until PlayStation.
Anything, he will not take no for an answer!
Or today, constantly insisting to know what his birthday surprise was despite me repeatedly saying it was a surprise, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Then crying because he doesn’t like surprises apparently.

Me and DH have now had a massive row because of it because he said (to DS) that he would rather he just stay on his PlayStation all day because his behaviour is so unpleasant that he doesn’t want to spend any time with him.
That he isn’t having the surprise anymore, he can just have what he wants instead - more PlayStation vouchers.
And that he won’t even bother asking him to go out on the walk to the woods tomorrow.

I am so fed up of this!

I wish I had never bought the cunting bastard PlayStation.
I want to get rid of it completely but his attitude away from it is really seriously trying and he flat out refuses to do anything else. At all!

I hate reading this type of thread. This is your fault OP as you have a child but don’t appear to want to be a parent. So common nowadays.

What are you asking for people to say? Apart from get rid of the PlayStation and parent your 9 year old. It’s not such a difficult solution.

Reanimated, I don't think we're dimwits but instead realise that what works for one child doesn't work for another. A friend's DD has always had unrestricted 'screentime'and isn't bothered by it. My ds just wouldn't be able to regulate as once there's a screen on somewhere he's stuck to it and won't look anywhere else, doesn't get tired of it etc. Can't you understand that? Also we're not a family that has much tech, spend much time on devices, TVs so as a result our DC don't get much - are we somehow doing them out of this wonderful leisure time? And don't you think it's a pity to see, as I constantly do, preteens and teens stuck in their phones/devices at family get togethers/meals out etc?

Well, yes, you are doing your DC out of leisure time - you appear to think that lack of tech is somehow an indication of moral superiority.

Also (and this applies to all the rest of the screen-haters) does it ever occur to you that there are other reasons for a lot of DC to be anxious, unhappy and angry? Like the clusterfuck of the current education system, with all the endless testing, pressure and enforcement of increasingly petty rules? Like the constantly alarming news stories (even a young child can pick up on this stuff)? Like the terrible anxiety among adults in a family about whether the bills can be paid and the children fed? It's a bit convenient that everything can be blamed on a leisure activity and people are encouraged to look no further than that, isn't it?

I don't think everything is blamed on screen time nor do I think I'm morally superior, it's just not an interest or priority of mine and I know bring outdoors, socialising is beneficial and enriching.

I have a 10 year old SS who we have Friday-Monday every week. I think if he was left to play as much as he liked he would be similarly obsessed with his xbox. He’s only allowed around 1.5-2hrs a day on the bloody thing but I sometimes wonder whether even that is too much. We’ve spent more time than usual out of the house over the Xmas period and he’s had some days with 0 Xbox time and got quite twitchy about it, asking when we were going home, when he could have his Xbox time. I think if we reached the stage your family have I would happily be getting rid of the Xbox and feel 0 guilt about doing so. If he’s like this now what is he going to be like in a few years

SGB

If you reread the OP, her DS :

• won’t eat or drink or look after his body whilst playing
• won’t communicate whilst gaming
• is becoming socially isolated
• is experiencing emotion regulation difficulties that have a temporal relationship to the onset of him gaming
• is eschewing other activities in favour of a screen and gaming
• cant interact positively with his parents or his sister

Do you think this is going well for him? Where do you think this will end up if his parents don’t restrict/ban the PlayStation?

@Reanimated, are you the OP's DS?

And more importantly the OP has said repeatedly that when the PS is taken away the behaviour and his overall anxiety and demeanour improves remarkably.

Just like with adults (since you seem to want to give children so much autonomy) some kids can regulate their intake of whatever it is- cake/paw patrol/Xbox and others can’t. And that’s fine. It’s then up to the parents to do that for them. Clearly what he is doing in his leisure time isn’t working for him- he IS stressed, anxious and socially isolated as a result of the PlayStation.

I have a very very motivated 7 year old. He plays music for about 90 mins a day across two instruments and has consistently been top of the class academically. And even HE can’t manage his time without some prompting and organising. But he has a lot of self control and will not watch TV for too long or eat too many sweets. I have a smaller DS who has literally none of that self regulation. With DS1 I could say ‘I am going for a shower, when you have finished watching X please turn the TV off’ and he would comply and find something to do in his leisure time (usually music). This will not work with DS2 because he is wired differently. So like most people I parent the child I am given.

I think you are on a screen haters rant for no actual rhyme or reason based on very few facts and little understanding of the actual OP. And a determined effort to blame random broad societal factors without engaging in any of the Science people have linked to. What you are ignoring is that this is an individual family with an individual crisis where for the most part it seems clear where the onus of change lies.

Small early days update.

DS is still on PlayStation, but, the time has been severely limited.

He now has a whiteboard on the fridge with a set routine and list of things that must be done that he needs to tick off and he is being forced to offer immediate apology for any offensive language eg telling people to shut up.
Repeat offences result in 30 minutes shaved off PlayStation time.
He is aware that in the new year he will be doing two activities/hobbies, if he doesn’t pick them himself then me and DH will choose something for him that we think he will like.

He already appears a little calmer and more reasonable.
Although he does keep asking if I would consider increasing the time with good behaviour.
No DS, no I won’t.
I still wish I had never bought the bloody thing.

Although I think he does have a few autistic traits, I don’t think he is ‘autistic’.
I think he is easily overstimulated and that results in shitty attitude.

To reanimate I find your comments extremely rude and disrespectful.
Calling parents dimwits, fucking idiots, stupid etc.
I cannot speak for ALL parents but I certainly do have respect for my children and see them as individuals and not something to dominate and control.

Oh and also reanimate, I forgot to put in my last post, not relevant to the thread but I had to comment re heavy metal music.
There IS deep satanic influence/worship in it.
You only have to listen to the lyrics to see that or listen to the death growls in it or watch the imagery in the videos.
I knew singers in death metal bands. they were satanists.
Nearly all my friends were goths, they were all very nice but very damaged, depressed people, a lot of them had histories of sexual and/or physical and emotional abuse.

And there is a LOT of evidence for addictions.

And to pp who asked if reanimate was actually my DS, I don’t think even my DS would be that rude!

Do not waste the GP's time as some have suggested. Take away the PlayStation and when your ready give it back at small time periods.

Sounds like you’ve made a good start!

Don’t increase the time or you will be endlessly trapped in negotiation. Stick with your plan!

I wouldn’t remove it completely tbh as he is so interested in it it can be a good bargaining tool. One of my dc has asd and would play constantly if allowed.
I would decide what the maximum time per day you are willing to allow is and then get into a routine of him playing after tea. Never have him play any other tiime and it will become routine. If you’re happy with 60 mins then maybe he can start the day with 30 mins time as standard and depending on his behaviour you can award/take away 5-10 mins. So swearing/unkind names would equal losing 10 mins each time. Fighting I would take away more. Use it for whatever behaviours you want to discourage and obviously discuss the system with him beforehand. If he’s had a really good day let him have the full hour.
As for asking the time all the time to see when he can play it might be a good incentive to get him a watch and teach him to tell the time so he can see for himself.
My dc used to hate surprises so I’d just tell him what he was getting. Not worth causing an issue over imo. He likes surprises now so that can change.

OP, I just read your update and I think it looks great! I would expect some pushback, so be prepared not to give in on nights when you are too busy / too tired to deal with tantrums.

Good luck!

The usual hysterical ranting I see

It's all about consistency. Remove the PS4 or restrict its use. But be consistent about it, and calm. Do not interact with bad behaviour resulting from your choice.

I'm not sure how long a game of fortnite lasts but let's assume it's an hour. Each day he can play a set number of games if and when he has done the things on the list you want him to do.

So, he can have a game when he is showered, teeth done, fed, dressed. He cannot, under any circumstances, have a game until those things are completed. For every minute that he spends complaining he will lose time on the game. Do not argue, fight, or interact with resulting bad behaviour. Keep your voice calm and low. Ignore his outbursts and calmly tell him he can use the game when he has finished his list, then walk away. Once he has done his list say something positive like, that's excellent thank you, now you can use the PS4.

To achieve this though you need to sit him down and explain it to him matter of factory and calmly. He needs to know in advance what the new boundaries are and, no matter how badly behaved he is you will not sway from them. Put a time limit on it too. So after a month you can sit down again and discuss how it's gone and adjust up or down depending on how he has behaved.

Too many parents get into a cycle of negativity of shouting and arguing or changing the boundaries because they are cross when their child won't do as they want them to. Quiet, calm consistency is the key for the majority of nt children. And that pretty much goes for most aspects of parenting anyway so it's a good habit to get into.

TBH I think your parenting choices are quite dim. Good luck with the new regime I think you will need it.

Perhaps you and DH should consider a parenting course. If you can’t parent a 9 year old heaven help when he is 15.

That’s a bit harsh!
Just read the update and I don’t really see the point in forced apologies though. If he’s had a consequence for the bad behaviour what do you gain from a grudging and insincere apology?
I wouldn’t personally be forcing hobbies on him either. If he’s not constantly gaming he will find other, more productive, things he wants to do.
And I don’t see why he can’t gain extra time for good behaviour? Ie if he hasn’t lost any time that day rather than earning it back. If you’re using the stick approach why not the carrot as well?
But each to their own. Doing things differently as all parents do doesn’t make you dim.

@Doggydoggydoggy I like your update. I hope things continue well. I'm sure there will be bumps in the road it's bloody hard sticking to these things but well done to you!

I don't have children but have nannied a 13 year old for 11 years and he was similar with his X Box. He is a lovely boy and luckily has other interests but when the X Box was introduced it was hard work! My boss has set a timer now so he can actually only play it an hour a day. Similar thing with activities. He'd rather not do them but he does Tennis as a compromise!

It obviously is an addiction, however with smoking, alcohol, drugs etc you can go cold turkey, but similar to food and issues with bulimia/annorexia, tech is something that you can't avoid if you are a young person today. It is such a huge influence in friendship groups, and youth culture it is unfair to make them go cold turkey so to speak. Tech is here to stay and they need to learn to manage it. Speaking online with friends whilst gaming is hugely important nowadays. Personally I think it's sad and would rather kids interacted face to face but that's not the modern world.

All of the posters advocating removing it completely may be treating the symptom but isn't attacking the problem at the root cause. Kids need help in using it appropriately, rather than just removing it. The op's approach, similar to grandmaJanes tactics, recognise the needs of the young child to conform to peer norms and do something they enjoy immensely, whilst keeping to healthy limits. Taking it away completely will lead to resentment and greater relationship breakdowns further along the parental/child relationship, if the child feels their feelings and needs have not been listened to. As with anything, communication, boundaries, explaining why, and compromise is the way to go. As is teaching internet safety.

I think the op has approached this well. Bloody exhausting being consistent though. My Ds is just coming out the other end at 16.

Glad you did not ban it completely. Use it as his currency. Plenty of warnings. Teach him to notice his early warning signs and put some calming techniques in place. Keep him well fed, watered without too much sensory stimulation.

Look into the autism.

I'm glad to hear your update Doggy. Sounds as if you are putting some very good strategies in place.

If he’s had a consequence for the bad behaviour what do you gain from a grudging and insincere apology?

Grudging and insincere apology is part of the learning process. It's much better than no apology at all. We expect children to say thank you for things they don't want and don't really feel grateful for. Saying sorry is no different. It's about learning to respond in an appropriate way that respects the other person's feelings, and also learning that you should feel sorry for being rude. Feeling genuinely sorry may only come later, same as feeling genuinely grateful just because someone bothered to give you something.

Doggy well done and I hope your DH is supporting you.

I’ve never forced my kids to apologise. They apologise when they’ve done wrong now because they reflect and genuinely feel sorry and want to try and make things better.
A barked, no eye contact, forced apology from a child does not make the wronged party feel better and is pointless. It’s not the same as reminding children to use their manners as more often than not children just forget to say thank you rather than actively not wanting to.

I agree with pp, no forced apologies. They're meaningless and I certainly wouldn't want one.

Turn it off until he behaves normally.
He will learn quickly enough.