I am finding my DS difficult

[Doggydoggydoggy]

To the point where me and my DH don’t want to spend much time with him due to his horrible attitude.

It is causing immense tension between my DH and me and I am getting more and more depressed for feeling this way and not knowing what to do.

He is almost 10 and OBSESSED with the PlayStation.
When I say obsessed I mean that he won’t eat or drink or get dressed or brush teeth or anything when on it.
You can talk to him but he doesn’t take on anything you say, for example, you can ask him to turn it off and take the plug out and he will respond with yes okay then turn off the PlayStation and leave without taking out the plug.
When questioned you get ‘I forgot’ or ‘I didn’t hear you’

He is super insanely reactive, he will get incredibly angry or incredibly emotional screaming and crying over absolutely nothing!
Like the internet going down for a second or today when I didn’t want to tell him what his birthday surprise is because then it wouldn’t be a surprise.

PlayStation is all he talks about, the only thing he wants for gifts, when not on PlayStation he wants to watch videos of other people playing PlayStation.

He doesn’t want to try any sports, try any hobbies, he doesn’t want to read, or go for walks or go for days out or visit relatives.
Just game.

Christmas Eve was a turning point when he went to see his grandparents and spent the whole time complaining about bored he was, he wanted to go home, how much longer he has to stay.
He even asked my mil how long he had to stay tomorrow after receiving his presents!!

We have drastically reduced his game time as a result cue lots of crying, your so horrible, I hate you etc.

The time he isn’t on PlayStation He isn’t enjoyable.
He spends the whole entire time arguing with his sister and arguing with us, doing stupid fortnite dances, calling us stupid, telling us to shut up.
Any little thing he has to disagree with.
He nags relentlessly, constantly demanding to know the time so he knows how long he has until PlayStation.
Anything, he will not take no for an answer!
Or today, constantly insisting to know what his birthday surprise was despite me repeatedly saying it was a surprise, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Then crying because he doesn’t like surprises apparently.

Me and DH have now had a massive row because of it because he said (to DS) that he would rather he just stay on his PlayStation all day because his behaviour is so unpleasant that he doesn’t want to spend any time with him.
That he isn’t having the surprise anymore, he can just have what he wants instead - more PlayStation vouchers.
And that he won’t even bother asking him to go out on the walk to the woods tomorrow.

I am so fed up of this!

I wish I had never bought the cunting bastard PlayStation.
I want to get rid of it completely but his attitude away from it is really seriously trying and he flat out refuses to do anything else. At all!

It sounds really difficult. It would help if you and your DH could be on the same page about this. I sympathise with you husband's frustration but he can't just give up on his son, that's very damaging. I am not sure what the underlying reason is, but it really sounds as if right now the Playstation is the only place in his life where your DS feels happy and confident. So OK, you can try binning the Playstation as a first step. But even if the Playstation itself is the problem that will still only be the first step, because he has no other source of happiness. You are all on a long hard road.

And be prepared to experiment. Charles approach is basically right. Don't ask your DS to compare other things with the Playstation. It's his "happy place" so of course nothing else will compare. You will need to work out what he enjoys by observation. Try different activities on him. See which ones work for him, which ones he begins to engage with while the Playstation is out of the equation. And if he still does not start to engage with anything else at all, even after a few weeks, then that would be a sign of an underlying problem.

Also if he might have autism then it's a good idea to get that checked out. The fact that he doesn't have all the symptoms doesn't really help either way, very few children have all the symptoms (and some symptoms can be opposites anyway, like being super-organised or super-disorganised!) If he does have autism then taking away the Playstation altogether might be a mistake. For many children with autism, computer games are their main bridge to the social world, as well as a very important way to relax. Cut off the bridge and they have nothing left, no way to socialise successfully at all. And/or no way to unwind either.

But you could still try taking it away altogether for a fixed time - a few weeks, say - and see how that goes. You can reasonably expect things to get worse at the start so brace yourself! What really matters is what happens after that. If things don't improve then you can return it to him. And talk to the GP about assessments (not just for autism, they should check out all the usual suspects at the same time)

I honestly think you're crazy not to remove the PS totally. He clearly cannot self-regulate, so you need to step in and remove it completely. I'd sell the bloody thing.

Why , when a child is basically running the show, is it assumed he is " on the spectrum".

Because that's one of the things that (many) children with autism do. They run the show. "Running the show" is a recognised symptom. Of course it is only one symptom, and a child who really does have autism will have many other symptoms as well. The OP has mentioned a few other potential symptoms - but it would need an expert, which I'm not, to go through it in depth with the OP and her DS, which I'm not in a position to do. So the autism spectrum a possibility worth exploring a bit further, but not an assumption.

That could have been me writing this thread 6 years ago.

Since then, there have some ups and downs but about to turn 16, my boy is finally starting to turn back into the lovely boy he used to be.

We spent Xmas with my mil and family and to everyone utter surprise, he was helpful, chatty and funny., didn't ho on his phone once, didn't give hints about going home even when I got to the point I was ready myself.

Dinner with my family yesterday and again, he was chatty, engaged. He'd asked if we could be back home at 3pm to watch the football and even when I said I wasn't sure he didn't go into a sulk. In the end, we were still there at 3pm, he politely asked if he could watch on his phone and still remained pleasant and engaged.

Such a contrast from last year let alone when he wax 10! Do discipline your child, do take the xbox away when needed, so force him to go walks even when he doesn't want too and sulks the whole way but don't make him feel that he is unlikeable let alone unlovable, he will get out of it but he needs to feel your unconditional love even if it's very hard to give it. Don't despair, you haven't lost your lovely boy forever.

Don't use ps as a reward, you wouldn't give drink to an alcoholic for a treat. Bin it, permanently. Expect fireworks. If not better in a month go to gp. Less trouble than looking for special needs that don't exist.

Because that's one of the things that (many) children with autism do. They run the show. "Running the show" is a recognised symptom

Could you please direct me to any research that cites trying to take control and constantly get what you want is a recognised symptom of autism?

It is ok not to have other interests but it is NOT ok for one interest to make him into an unpleasant person, no matter what that interest is. That’s the issue. Not just that it is the PlayStation. This is not ‘screen panic.’ This is a 9 year old boy whose behaviour has changed dramatically over a single item to the point where his family is on the verge of fracture. I would get rid of the game first, wouldn’t you?!

Honestly I would break said playstation but in a way that DS would not know I had done it! Then refuse to buy a new one because of cost. It will be hard at the start but it sounds very unhealthy the way he is acting and without a doubt if my 9 year old DS was acting like that he wouldn't have it end of no matter how horrible he behaved without it!

If the playstation is and has been the only problem then I wouldn’t jump to the ‘autistic’ answer.
But, the obsession, anger, dislike of surprises, telling you he doesn’t like a aurprises, being upset at the thought of a surprise, anxiety about not being at home, problems with emotions, could point to other possible problems than just being addicted to his playstation.

My son is like this. But theres also an obsession with youtube. I remove it from the fire tv stick, he puts it back on. Im changing the code

Honestly, one reason we have so many troubled kids is fucking ignorant, whiny, conformist, gullible parents. Waaah, screens (for which you can substitute comics, unsuitable books, music the parents don't like, friends the parents think are too common, whatever...) are making our children into MONSTERS, waaaah, the answer is to destroy their belongings and lock them in their rooms - or drag them round to pointless activities that they have no interest in but which some or other dickhead considers more 'suitable' than what they want to do...

Negotiate about homework and household chores, but let them spend their free time doing what they want to do, not what you want them to do. The parents who have the worst problems are the fucking idiots who buy devices and games and then ration the kid to about 5 minutes a day on them, insisting that the rest of their leisure time is spent doing stuff they don't want to do. Clue: that's not 'leisure', that's 'being pushed around by your parents' time.

I see where you're coming from Reanimated, and if the OP was talking about an adult, I could agree. But we're talking about a 9 or 10 year old who doesn't have the maturity and life experience to make these kinds of decisions. Unfortunately, I think being addicted to screens does affect kids in all sorts of ways. We don't let them smoke or drink for the same reason. I'd be interested in hearing the thoughts of teachers here:can you tell when kids spend all their time on screens, and what does it do to their behaviour and ability to learn?

Wait. Wait. Wait. The problem is ‘conformist gullible parents’? Not the 9 year old who is unable to regulate his emotions over a game that he has unrestricted access to??

As I said, it doesn’t have to do with what he is obsessed about. It has more to do with how he behaves. And as OP has said clearly there is a strong correlation between this game and his behaviour.
If this was a board game he was obsessed over I would say the same thing.

So glad @ReanimatedSGB has cracked perfect parenting and can let the rest of us know in such a wonderful, friendly tone. I’m sure we’ll all be having her children round for a play date ASAP.

Some kids can play a lot without repercussions, but my son was like yours with computer games - exhibited addictive behaviour. Anything over a certain amount of screen time made it incredibly difficult for him to disengage - he'd become hostile, nasty, sneaky & obsessive. We never bought a system because of it, but allowed him limited gaming on the computer. It was important in his social group to have some knowledge/awareness of games. My son is not autistic or on a spectrum, but he is intense, highly competitive and at times anxious. At that age, he hated surprises ( the bigger the surprise, the greater the explosion) and had major post Christmas letdown.

Rather than banning we wanted him to learn to deal with this. We had a monitor book kept by the computer - he was responsible for putting down start and stop time. If caught fudging, over allotted time, or obsessing/being obnoxious when off the screen, he lost the priviledge. He knew the rules & pushed them, so it required active monitoring. He did eventually learn to moderate his behaviour.

We also had him add up his screen time and think about all the other activities that could be done with that time. I don't hate gaming, but especially during formative years, any one thing done to excess cuts down on other valuable experiences.

Now in his 20's he plays one of those online games with friends and has a great time, but he's not like some of his friends that game all day & night. He has an active life away from the computer.

My dd is autistic and also has adhd and loves her iPad. She is much better when she goes without it. I control it a lot more but her dad doesn’t which means I’m always bad cop. Some kids on the spectrum are very controlling but autism and adhd seems to be the go answer for a lot of kids who need tougher parenting. I know it’s hard but I would remove the PlayStation. Then you can assess if there are other issues at play. I hope it goes okay.

Their free time can be spent doing what they want as long as that doesn’t impact his behaviour. And because he is a child we do regulate what our children have access to.

reanimated whoa. Just, whoa.

Your post is so breathtakingly aggressive, and I am unsure what point you are trying to make?

That we should carry on as we are?
I’m confused..

My DS was never restricted to 5 minutes and he is a bloody nightmare!

Neither DH or myself are whiny, conformist or controlling.

My ds turns into a nightmare when he plays too much - fortnite is the biggest problem.

Fortnite is addictive - deliberately so!

I would set very strict limits on his gaming time and have some days where he doesn’t play it at all. And also restrict the length of time he plays.

For example, DS can only play for 1 hour a day for three days in the working week and 90 mins a day at the weekend. I make him stop after 45 mins on the weekend to get a break.

I also stop him playing fortnite for longer than an hour at the weekend.

He kicked off massively at first but now he knows.

Fortnite is hard to switch off mid game, I know, I’ve played it!

This is one of those times where you just have to remain calm and accept that your ds will rage. Then he will accept it.

In terms of other interests - he will need to get bored and work it out himself. My ds reads books, plays Lego and does crafting- but he clearly loves computer games the most!

I’m not sure what point Reanimate is trying to make either.
I know that my kids are happier and calmer after 2 hrs out in fresh air than 2 hrs playing fortnite.

If I asked them what they want to do with their leisure time, they would say fortnite or other games. So I don’t ask. I just take them out.
I restrict mine to gaming only on weekends and I see a huge difference in them since the restriction. All for the better.
I’ve spoken to many parents who say the same as me.

I agree with the posters who said you are the parent, you get to decide.

I would address one behaviour at a time. The most worrisome to me is lack of respect. I would inform him that as long as he is disrespecting his parents, he will get no PS whatsoever. No yelling, no calling names, no telling people to shut up, no exception. I assume this will be hard and might take a while. I also assume that this behaviour was awarded before with PS time, that’s why he keeps doing it.

Then I would limit screen time to a certain amount a day (mine had 1-2 hours at that age, but it included tv, tablets etc) - whatever you decide is a good middle ground.

Then, in a couple of months when he’s used to all the changes, I would register him in an activity. If he refuses to choose, I would choose for him.

Screen panic is no more reasonable than the old panics about kids who liked reading books too much

Screen “panic” is perfectly valid a concern. I think it’s naive to think otherwise.

reanimated no, it's not like books, TV etc, the interactive nature of gaming has been proven to be a problem. I agree with a pp who says we'll look and this constant stimulation will have been a big mistake. I'm a teacher and social skills, concentration and general engagement in school are v low in those who simply can't wait to get home to their consoles. It's depressing. As pp have said it's addictive and young children are unable to deal with that.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-wealth/201609/is-your-childs-brain-video-games%3famp

My son has autism and we are also a family of gamers so can see both sides.

If your son is only this way since you bought the PS4 and improves dramatically when it’s taken away you can almost gaurentee he’s not autistic and more likely addicted to the games console. However if your MiL has mentioned it before perhaps there are other traits not listed here and it may he worth going to your GP.

Myself and my husband game every night but wouldn’t hesitate to confiscate our children’s consoles if they acted this way. It’s completely unacceptable.

(Seriously though comparing it so cocaine or crack 🤦🏼‍♀️)