woke up still feeling Meh about last night

[alistg]

Grr why when it comes to feelings I can't seem to let things go?.Last night my Dp was here with his older children .Mine turned up later in the evening.The night was led really by the children ,watching films going on their phones .So not a lot of interaction.My Dp had work this am .So as usually he wound everything down as in make anyone a last drink , tidy up .(He used to run a pub) .He herds everyone out of the kitchen also herds me up to bed .Which happened last night .So my ds is now also getting into bed it's late .I'm in the bathroom getting ready .I can hear his dss go back into the kitchen & start laughing with him .Then the noise is turned up a notch .To which my dp knocks on the bathroom door asking if my youngest can go back down as he doesn't want him miss out of the fun with his 2 .No mention of me .So last night I sat rigged to my bed for 2 hours ranging while they were all downstairs having a fun .Dp later came up stairs all smiling saying they all had a fun night .He asked then if I was alright .My reply was light of .I hoped this am my emotions would re align , but no here I am still raging .

@GinghamStyle
thank you

sad as it may .@Fairenuff
you might be right .Thank you

To be honest this relationship just doesnt sound right for you. Saying he will leave then step son steps in? No that shouldnt happen. Neither should heading you to bed.
Don't be afraid to be on your own op. You can be much happier! Move on

You mention you were the good girl who did as she was told as a child and I think you're struggling to transition out of that role. So when your DP 'herds' you to bed, you go- because you fall into your childhood pattern.
Your DP may assume that you're happy to go because he thinks, as an adult, you'd question it if you were unhappy. Or he may be controlling. Or he may be falling into his pattern, from having the pub, that he has to take responsibility for the end of the night.
There's no need for a big scene. If he starts herding, say 'I'm going to stay up a bit longer and I can lock up'.
As for the DSS, your confidence with him will come when you start to act like an adult in the relationship with his dad.

Poor you OP, tbh I'd just get rid. He doesn't seem very nice and if my OH tried herding me off to bed I'd tell him to get stuffed, that I'm an adult and not one of his children. Sending hugs xx

You were in shock because he didn't come up?!

Fuck sake Sky...

Apparently anger covers pain. So "sitting there raging" is easier than feeling the hurt of being left out by your BF/family and experiencing those feelings that Whiskey expressed.

If you are a type of person who ensures everyone is included and always mindful of others' feelings, it is really hurtful when that is not reciprocated. So, hurt gets replaced by anger, like a defence.

just reading the last few posts has made me burst into tears ( i don't cry)
you're right the anger was there raging to hide the hurt .Now i'm a mess , but will fix this somehow

just to add the few times I have challenged him over the herding to bed ,where i have stood my ground has ended up with Dp going up 1st then thinking there is something the matter .or shout down or make out he is getting a drink

Why is he so weird about bedtime?!

I feel sorry for you OP, I imagine it felt like sending you to bed so the party can start. And yes you could have just walked downstairs, but im guessing you had the feeling of not being wanted?

Easier said than done but I don't think this is the right relationship for you and hopefully you can see that soon enough.

where i have stood my ground has ended up with Dp going up 1st then thinking there is something the matter .or shout down or make out he is getting a drink

You should just ignore all that and if he asks why say 'I'm trying to watch my programme/read my book/whatever it is you are doing'.

It really shouldn't be this complicated. Is there a big age gap in your relationship?

oh gosh. I hope you are okay. It was really to explain to some who might be less understanding of your situation, that sometimes things have more layers that meet the eye. You might not actually be angry but.. anger is an easier emotion than pain.

no big age gap we are in our 50s .Shocking i know , but i can't stop having a feeling

my ds asked me earlier if I was alright .So I mentioned it sounded from upstairs they all had a good night .His 1st reply was .Why didn't I come down? .I told him I didn't feel included .Now I know it wasn't for him to suggest , but now he's feeling,why did Dp ask for him & not me .Now he's confused & upset for me .Grrr I just want to stop this thinking now !

You should have just gone down if you wanted to join in. It's your house and you can do what you want. My dh doesn't have to 'invite' me downstairs. I'm not sure why this is such a problem for you.

So does he send you off to bed to do the clean up and "put the house to bed"? Sounds like he thinks he's doing you a favour?

yes .That's how he says it in a roundabout way .

Sorry if I missed it OP but how old is dss and how often does he see his father at your house? What did he actually do or say that you felt was goading?

How often is dp at yours? What time do you go to bed when he isn't there? Would it normally be later than the herding?

You've had lots of good advice and I hope you're feeling ok. I agree next time he starts trying to send you up to bed just quietly stand your ground and say actually I'm going to stay up a bit longer and finish watching tv / reading / knitting / pole dancing, whatever it is you are doing and you'll be up later. You manage to put yourself to bed on all the days he isn't there so pretty sure you can manage in your own home. If he pratts about trying to get your attention just ignore him. How he reacts will let you know if he really is controlling or he doesn't realise what he is doing

And if he has problem with it then definately cut down on the overnight visits

So he says something like "You go up, I'll lock up and switch off the TV" (or whatever) and you interpret that as an order?

well tonight is of .He's not long text to say he's tired so won't be coming round

Good

Power play I suspect he realised he went to far last night and is reassertinh control

I agree