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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

woke up still feeling Meh about last night

200 replies

alistg · 27/12/2018 09:54

Grr why when it comes to feelings I can't seem to let things go?.Last night my Dp was here with his older children .Mine turned up later in the evening.The night was led really by the children ,watching films going on their phones .So not a lot of interaction.My Dp had work this am .So as usually he wound everything down as in make anyone a last drink , tidy up .(He used to run a pub) .He herds everyone out of the kitchen also herds me up to bed .Which happened last night .So my ds is now also getting into bed it's late .I'm in the bathroom getting ready .I can hear his dss go back into the kitchen & start laughing with him .Then the noise is turned up a notch .To which my dp knocks on the bathroom door asking if my youngest can go back down as he doesn't want him miss out of the fun with his 2 .No mention of me .So last night I sat rigged to my bed for 2 hours ranging while they were all downstairs having a fun .Dp later came up stairs all smiling saying they all had a fun night .He asked then if I was alright .My reply was light of .I hoped this am my emotions would re align , but no here I am still raging .

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 27/12/2018 11:14

Are you seriously saying that you have to wait downstairs for five minutes whilst he has wank? Or is that not what you meant by 'me time'? Shock

Original poster
alistg · 27/12/2018 11:15

we have spoken about it this am .He thinks i'm being unfair , but in all fairness I haven't actually said anything about it .So he's picked up on it ,

OP posts:
gamerchick · 27/12/2018 11:15

Shutting the house down .He likes me to go up 1st . He then gets 5mins to himself ( likes to have me time ) before getting into bed .in the past i have mentioned how annoying this is to me .I'm not 12

New year's resolution. You go to bed when you want to go to bed. You're not a little kid and I'd be telling him that.

So tonight if you're not tired, tell him you're stopping up and he can go on ahead and have his 5 minutes upstairs. Tell him he's not dictating your bedtime anymore. It's probably just a nasty habit he's got into and doesn't realise it.... Until you point it out.

Gina2012 · 27/12/2018 11:17

Thirdly when he didn't I was in shock .

Why?

Is your DP so rule bound that you are controlled by them and him?

Original poster
alistg · 27/12/2018 11:17

@BaronessBomburst
wowShock not everything or post come to think of it needs to be centred by a man having a wank !!!

OP posts:
Charley50 · 27/12/2018 11:18

Wow he regularly sends you to bed before him. That is controlling.

BaronessBomburst · 27/12/2018 11:19

Well I did wonder, but 5 minutes isn't really long enough for a shower and to read a chapter of a book, is it?

Gina2012 · 27/12/2018 11:19

we have spoken about it this am .He thinks i'm being unfair , but in all fairness I haven't actually said anything about it .So he's picked up on it ,

So when you 'spoke about it this am' you didn't tell him how you felt???

You're scared of him, aren't you?

Original poster
alistg · 27/12/2018 11:21

just to clarify.. Shock is a term of word I used to express a feeling i had at the time of when i felt Dp was only going to be 5/10 mins .Of course now in the cold light of day it sounds daft .Maybe a Meh would of been enough

OP posts:
Dotty1970 · 27/12/2018 11:21

"Thirdly when he didn't I was in shock".

In shockGrin🤣

I think you should have maybe just gone down but I feel a bit sorry for you possibly feeling you couldn't?

Chloe84 · 27/12/2018 11:22

but in all fairness I haven't actually said anything about it

Why not? Take this as an opportunity to say you won't be 'herded' anywhere any more.

Send him up to bed, and tell him he can have the 'me time' in bed whilst you lock up. Just because he used to run a pub doesn't excuse his behaviour.

tempester28 · 27/12/2018 11:27

What you mean you were allowed to go to your room and be on your own - in peace? .....lucky you...

Clutterbugsmum · 27/12/2018 11:29

I think you are so trained to do what your partner wants, be that you waiting like a 'good girl' downstairs for 5 mins for him to have his 'alone' time, to the fact that last last night all the boys were down stairs having 'fun' while you are the 'good girl' waiting for permission to be allowed to go downstairs.

You really need to work on your self, so you become more confident in the decisions you make are what YOU want and not just conforming to other people wills and wants.

tempester28 · 27/12/2018 11:30

Although in reference to him being a former pub landlord - maybe it is his version of a lockin with the boy - sorry

OyOy · 27/12/2018 11:36

Yeah, your DH sounds really controlling - he literally puts you in your place!

Seems like the unwritten/unspoken rule is that your DH controls the household - no wonder you knew they were excluding you.

As much as you could've gone down, in this dynamic, you knew you wouldn't be welcomed.

DH knew that, the kids knew that, you knew that.

But this way when you recount it - it makes it sound like it's all you cos the fucked up dynamic isn't clear or understandable to anyone who isn't in it.

It's a form of gaslighting / victim blaming.

Time for a big think about what you want from life and how you can achieve that.

Good luck
Flowers

Original poster
alistg · 27/12/2018 11:50

@OyOy
i hate to say it , but i did feel & still do .That i wasn't meant to be apart of last night .The dynamics are I have a controlling dss .Who wants dad all to himself .So feel manipulated by situations like this , but i don't rise to it .

OP posts:
stopitandtidyupp · 27/12/2018 11:53

.So feel manipulated by situations like this , but i don't rise to it .

You need to rise to it. It makes me angry that people can treat others like this. Do not allow them. Tell dh now and stay up late tonight. Take back your own control.

Heratnumber7 · 27/12/2018 12:01

Missing the point entirely, but what does "shutting the house down" mean?

Original poster
alistg · 27/12/2018 12:05

I've been on here for years & tested the water with my dilemma.I know my post isn't a world issue & to some think I'm a drama queen , but thank you for all the well meaning replies .Sounds corny ,but my eyes have been opened up to issues that i knew were there , but only as my post has unfolded I now need to act on issues rather then opt for the quiet life .

OP posts:
OyOy · 27/12/2018 12:06

So feel manipulated by situations like this , but i don't rise to it

And that's what abusers do - rely on you to be the "better person".

They are manipulating your good nature.

Don't rise to it - recognise it for what it is - abuse - and respond to it.

Fairenuff · 27/12/2018 12:09

I think you need to change your whole set up and not 'be herded' to bed ahead of him. Just pick up a book and tell him you're going to read downstairs 'for a bit' and you'll turn the lights off when you come up. If he wants time on his own he can have it upstairs can't he.

Maelstrop · 27/12/2018 12:10

He herds you to bed which annoys you yet you still let him do it? And this was in your house? You need to tell him to stop, quite simply. As you don't live together, he can have 'me' time at his own house!

Quartz2208 · 27/12/2018 12:17

Is this your house?

It sounds very controlled everything revolves around your partner he makes people got to bed at the time he wants and then decides when they don’t in your house

Original poster
alistg · 27/12/2018 12:20

yes it is my house . looks like I'm in for a long night tonight .I will not be told when to go to bed .Out of interest what do I do If he doesn't go up after i've done the ." no you go " dance

OP posts:
Elphie54 · 27/12/2018 12:20

Really people? Does everything come back to control issues and abuse? Only on MN would people automatically jump to abuse.

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