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AIBU?

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Original poster

woke up still feeling Meh about last night

200 replies

alistg · 27/12/2018 09:54

Grr why when it comes to feelings I can't seem to let things go?.Last night my Dp was here with his older children .Mine turned up later in the evening.The night was led really by the children ,watching films going on their phones .So not a lot of interaction.My Dp had work this am .So as usually he wound everything down as in make anyone a last drink , tidy up .(He used to run a pub) .He herds everyone out of the kitchen also herds me up to bed .Which happened last night .So my ds is now also getting into bed it's late .I'm in the bathroom getting ready .I can hear his dss go back into the kitchen & start laughing with him .Then the noise is turned up a notch .To which my dp knocks on the bathroom door asking if my youngest can go back down as he doesn't want him miss out of the fun with his 2 .No mention of me .So last night I sat rigged to my bed for 2 hours ranging while they were all downstairs having a fun .Dp later came up stairs all smiling saying they all had a fun night .He asked then if I was alright .My reply was light of .I hoped this am my emotions would re align , but no here I am still raging .

OP posts:
OyOy · 27/12/2018 12:21

Oh my! You don't live together?! This is all in your home - not his?!

This is not right, at all.

In a way, it makes it easier in a practical way though...

This man does not respect you. If he does not respect you, he does not love you.

You know what you've got to do...

Original poster
alistg · 27/12/2018 12:24

@OyOy
why ? how have you come to that conclusion he doesn't love me ?
Now I'm genuinely concerned

OP posts:
ILoveChristmasLights · 27/12/2018 12:26

Fuck me.

How long have you been with this twat? However long, it’s too long. It’s YOUR house, tell him to fuck right off.

Notmorewashing · 27/12/2018 12:27

What on earth!!!! I would have stormed downstairs and joined in if I wanted too- well I wouldn’t have been packed off to bed early unless I was unwell!

He can go up if he wants and you can stay down, or you both stay down in future ?! Alone time can happen through doing separate hobbies or having time with friends WTF as if 5mins alone is proper me time?!

Singinghollybob · 27/12/2018 12:30

It doesn't matter if he goes up first or not, after you both do ,'no, you go up'. You just go to bed wwhenever you want to, regardless of him. The 'you go first' dance is irrelevant, just go whenever you please.

Original poster
alistg · 27/12/2018 12:30

for what it's worth he does this at his house to ... herding to bed

OP posts:
Beansandcoffee · 27/12/2018 12:34

Just say to him, I will go to bed when I’m ready thank you. Let him, as an adult, decide what he wants to do.

Seaweed42 · 27/12/2018 12:37

He probably doesn't even realise he's herding everyone to bed. It's very controlling.
Just next time say to him 'I'll go to bed when I feel like it. You do realise you are sort of herding us all up to bed?'
It seemed on the night if his kid gets up and wants attention that's fine, and then we 'make' the other kid come down and play too.
Sounds like he wants everything on his own terms. He's happier when he's controlling the kids himself. He likes the attention all to be on him without having to compete with you for attention.
It sounded like your Dad had sent you to bed. Then you waited for Dad to come and get you but the didn't.

pictish · 27/12/2018 12:40

Yes just go to bed when you want to, whether he is up or in bed himself. His bedtime is his call, your bedtime is yours.
You say, “I’m not going up yet.” Or “Night then” if he wants to. If he persists in trying to control when you go to bed tell him you’ll go when you want to, not when he decides to send you. If he won’t accept that he’s not in charge of your bedtime, you’ll have to send him back to his own house indefinitely until such a time as he can grasp that he’s a dick and can fuck off.

Fairenuff · 27/12/2018 12:41

You don't need to do any 'you go' dance. You just say I'm not tired yet, I think I'll stay up for a bit. Don't get into a discussion about it. Let him do what he wants and you do what you want. That's what a normal relationship is like.

pictish · 27/12/2018 12:44

I also see no need for the “you go” dance. It’s not a game...or anything to do with power-play. It’s just not up to him when you go to bed.

FlibbertyGiblets · 27/12/2018 12:46

You've become accustomed to being ordered around.

Your boyfriend isn't very nice.

InsomniacAnonymous · 27/12/2018 12:51

What do you mean you were rigged to your bed?

Quartz2208 · 27/12/2018 12:56

The fact that you are worried about not going when he wants you to speaks volumes

You sound like a child with a bedtime not an adult who is allowed to decide

InsomniacAnonymous · 27/12/2018 12:57

"He asked then if I was alright .My reply was light of"

Huh? Confused

You have a very odd way of expressing yourself. " 2 hours rigged to the bed", "light of".

Oh! I've just realised you probably meant "light off" is that right? If so, that's a strange why to reply to his question isn't it?

InsomniacAnonymous · 27/12/2018 13:02

'way' not 'why' ^^

Mayrhofen · 27/12/2018 13:06

Many posters are asking why you didn't go back downstairs. More to the point, why did you even allow yourself to be herded upstairs?

Being in shock because your DH didn't come back upstairs is quite frankly ludicrous.

Is there more to this?

daisychain01 · 27/12/2018 13:07

alistg your post says to me you may need to work in your self-esteem. You wanted to be wanted. That's a reasonable response, we all need reassurances at some point in life (unless you're these perfectly confident MNers who are soooo together)

It could help if you find some techniques to value yourself, even if you find others don't (eg your DP and his DC not expressing any need to have you included in the fun.)

Your DP does not exactly cover himself in glory ("herding you out" sounds bloody demeaning) - it would have taken him no effort at all to have said 'come down and join us'. The fact he didn't means he's pretty clueless thoughtless.

Step families can be awful like that, very excluding, 'not part of their club' etc. Try to care / invest less, you'll find you can take it in your stride a bit more.

daisychain01 · 27/12/2018 13:10

xposted with you Mayrhofen re herding!

GrandmaJane · 27/12/2018 13:11

Your partner sent you and yours to bed then had fun with his children. What does that tell you? Who is ‘family’ to him?

ThistleAmore · 27/12/2018 13:14

Out of interest what do I do If he doesn't go up after i've done the ." no you go " dance

You keep sitting there until such time as you're ready to move?

In my case, I'm an adult and nobody tells me when to go to bed, not even my OH with whom I share a house. In your case, however, given that it is YOUR house, your doubly certain that nobody tells you when to go to bed.

Having RTFT, I do appreciate that you have some issues in your past, but I think you have to woman up here and start thinking and behaving like a grown-up.

ThistleAmore · 27/12/2018 13:15

'You're'. Sodding phone.

daisychain01 · 27/12/2018 13:17

And get that man out of your house, bossing you about and telling you when to go to bed. You aren't a child.

Please set the house rules with him and his kids starting today. If they don't like it they can clear off back to his (and you can give yourself the night off!)

Don't be the victim, hoik up your big girl's pants.

MrsGg8 · 27/12/2018 13:19

Tell him to go up to bed first and you want to stay downstairs and have some 'me time' in your own house and see how he likes it Smile

Original poster
alistg · 27/12/2018 13:27

sorry I wasn't rigged to the bed I felt Rigid .A bit of a loss what to do in the situation

OP posts:
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