To feel so demeaned by a throwaway comment

[Chipbutty67]

I feel so petty even typing this out but I also feel so sad. Talk some sense into me, please.

My DH and I have been married for 10 years. When we met, he was unemployed and I was a high earner. We bought a flat, using mainly my savings for a deposit. However, after I had DC1 complications for both my son and I meant I had to take a career break. We are both recovered but I have difficulty with a very bad back still. I now have 2 DC and am a SAHM. DH works full time. We pool all finances and have joint accounts.

We have now sold the flat, releasing a bit of extra equity, and bought a house. We are using the extra money to re-do the kitchen, which is from the 1960s and very worn.

As a SAHM I do 100% of all childcare (1 child in school) and all the kitchen related tasks. I’m obviously not happy with this but any discussion leads to arguments. I think this is relevant.

When choosing the kitchen, obviously my DH has had an absolutely equal say on everything, however as only I use the kitchen, I feel like there are some purely functional elements that I am honestly better placed to choose (tiny details like type of tap, type of bins)

However, the whole process has made me feel really sad about the way my DH sees my role in the family. I’ve spent countless hours researching every last detail and showing them to him, and he then chooses what he wants.

Small things like taps etc which I ask for are usually dismissed as he can’t see the value in them, but he’s adding quite ridiculous and unnecessary extras which he wants.

Today, we were finalising the design and I asked if we could incorporate a pan drawer. I was trying to explain the functionality of not having to get down on your knees and move all the heavy pans to get to the back. In front of the salespeople he said ‘you don’t do much else, how hard is it for you to use a cupboard’. This was followed with a huff about knowing the value of money if you’ve earned it. Ultimately, I didn’t want to argue in the showroom and we went with his decision.

I didn’t say anything at the time, but at home I brought up the fact that I use the kitchen and it was unnecessary to speak to me like that. I also mentioned that the additional cost of the drawer was far less than he had spent that morning on treating himself to new games and tech in the Boxing Day sales.

Again, I was told I was ungrateful as he was buying the kitchen ‘for me’, that plenty of people make do without the bits I want, and that I shouldn’t expect any more ‘presents’ as he’s already spent enough on this kitchen.

I’m so sad but I just can’t articulate to my DH why and he’s convinced I’m being ungrateful, and I do feel a bit ungrateful as well but I also feel sad I became a SAHM I never begrudged him a single penny of our joint funds yet I find myself in a position of being unable to make simple choices.

My DH is the breadwinner in our house. He also bought out house and put it joint names, but if he dared to speak to me like that (let alone in front of a salesperson) I would have walked out of the shop!

He clearly doesn't understand the value of money, he just sees the importance of it. His money, his way - this is not how a relationship works, ever!

Maybe when his kitchen is installed he will enjoy using it, because if I was you, there is no way I'd be cooking for him in it!

We bought a flat, using mainly my savings for a deposit

He seems to have forgotten this.

What a nasty nasty man.

You need to have a serious conversation with him where he sees that you are prepared to walk away from his selfishness.

I’ve sen similar behaviour in my now- Ex. BiL. My sister couldn’t be happier now she is free of a man who was increasingly selfish to the point where it became a form of emotional abuse.

That's out of order and sounds pretty sexist.

You need to start bringing some money in yourself. I work full time and would hate to deal with this "I'm the breadwinner so I can do fuck all else and you should worship me for it" shit.

I would say look at getting a part-time job, but you shouldn't have to do this to get his respect. He should respect the fact you have sacrificed your career to be there for his kids as not everyone would do that.

OP, can I just check I’m reading this right? He told you “you don’t do anything else” and something about “if you knew the value of money,” IN FRONT OF THE SALESPERSON? Is this what he did?

If so, I’m totally livid in your behalf. You will get loads of LTBs on here, but I know it’s not that easy.

I’m a SAHM too and just renovated a whole house. I had the opposite problem in that I could not get DH to show any interest in any details if the kitchen. He was interested in the garage, plumbing and electrics - that’s it. Apart from that, he walked into the house when it was all done. I had dragged him to the bathroom showroom, but he contributed nothing and actually left to take a work call. Sometimes I wish he’d been more interested, but I just have to accept he’s not bothered about interiors.

It’s fantastic you’re in therapy. I am too, for various reasons, but it has helped me see that DH can be controlling at times and how I’ve lost my sense of self. Keep going with that!

I think today, you need to sit him down and tell him, calmly but in no uncertain terms, that his behaviour in that showroom was a total and utter disgrace. You have lost a lot of respect for him, as a man and as your husband.

What is he like normally? Is this kind of behaviour common? I’m wondering about the wider picture and if he’s able to take criticism on board.

Unless he is falling over himself to make amends and rings up the showroom to order the things you have suggested, I would take myself away for a few days. Take the DC with you and let him discover what it’s like to come back to an empty house.

Don’t get angry. Just calmly repeat that you’ve lost respect for him. You see him for what he is - the wool has been lifted from your eyes. So what is he going to do about that?

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but hold firm.

This prick has slowly but steadily appoinnted himself your owner. Probably because he is profoundly insecure about the fact that you are cleverer than him and that you know how useless he was in the beginning.
It might be worth one straight talk about how you are partners, and he needs to acknowledge that you are human beings of equal worth, but I'm afraid it's likely that he will be aggressive and insulting rather than listening to you. My advice is to start working out how you would manage as a single parent, getting some legal advice etc and then deciding what will work best for you and DC.

Go to work and let him pay sky high child care fees. Let him see how housework piles up when there's nobody at home to do it. He'll realise your value and beg you to stay at home. However with that attitude he'll probably still exspect you to do everything and go to work. You'd both have nothing if it wasn't for your early investment. If his attitude does not change I doubt you will be happy further down the line...dont tolerate unhappiness. It's worse for the Children to grow up seeing, hearing and feeling this type of behaviour .

I actually winced when I read what he said to you in the kitchen showroom

BlackCatSleeping

So, you are saying it's all the OP's fault that he's so unpleasant towards her? You don't feel that's a tad victim-blaming, do you?

Errrrrrrrrrr no I don’t believe at any point I have said this. I’ve said she should TELL him he’s a total wanker because right now it appears he’s going about his life thinking he can behave like that and his wife who he has belittled and undermined to the point that she is being humiliated and spoken to like a piece of shit in public has not said anything to him about it.

I think if you had read my posts you would know that the OP is not at fault here. I’d like knob end to get his come uppance though. Why should he get to coast through life acting like a total shit towards his wife while she quietly accepts it and cries? He’s deliberately bullied her to the point that she actually doubts herself and wonders if she should be getting upset about a “throwaway” comment (it’s not) while he kicks back with a drink.

All the digs, you having to ask permission for stuff, putting you down because you aren't working, treating himself to extensive things while you get nothing - sounds like emotional abuse to me. Your husband is supposed to love and support you. He said no to the pan drawer just because he can. This man doesn't love you. If he did he would want to make your life easier.

He really and truly believes he has the power to veto you.

Well at the moment he does have that power. Let’s hope that changes.

Emotional abuse, financial control, disparaging and contemptuous, this marriage is going nowhere. He needs a good shake. Tell him to fuck off. List everything you do and don't put up with this shit. Where does he think he gets off

That's horrible. It's not even a throwaway comment, it's a series of dismissive and hurtful opinions on your value and role in what should be a partnership.

Also if you behave like a doormat, people walk on you. They shouldn't, they should realise you feel low, he is a bully and you need to stand up to him, say you expect him to support you and be kind

Don't ask him, tell him.

To make that comment he clearly does not respect you.

He sounds as though he feels he has the right to treat you like this because he thinks putting money into the partnership he doing his share. But this is a partnership and it's not all about who earns the most money at the time.

I agree with other posters, he has worn away your self esteem. Those with self esteem would have said "how dare you" at the time an not tolerate this. It sounds as though you have a bit of self worth left though jf you're questioning it.

He will not be told though. You need to demonstrate in actions. Get that part time job. Start living as independently as possible. You need a partner who loves and respects you, not makes you feel worthless and dependent.

Have my first ever LTB.

He sounds just like my ex.

MiniTheMinx yes to this:
When people compare this to the 1950s I feel I want to disagree. I think this attitude is all new and very much contextual and contingent on the fact that now most women work. Men believe our own hype. We thought equality was contingent upon having equal access to work, equal working hours and equal pay. Men have listened and this is now where it lands us. The choice to work was a demand for equality, however we now have no choice at all. And choice proves not to be the basis of equality at all.

And here we are now, when women don't work for whatever reason - SAHM/ work part time / earn less than their partner, we are second class citizens all over again.

Time to get your career going again x

I also feel very annoyed that he routinely uses family purchases as ‘presents’. Ie when we bought a new dining table (his choice) that was my birthday present one year. A family car was my present another year. I’m fine with him not getting me anything, and he often doesn’t, but this feels so patronising.

I was gonna say. I think these used to be known as "presents from margate". If the use of a kitchen is such a treat let him do it.

OP, very pleased to hear you are in therapy and are looking for work. Your husband treats you with contempt. This relationship is going nowhere as he won't change. You need to change your thought processes that lead you to think his behaviour is reasonable and/or normal. Getting a full time job will be hard but will quickly give you choices about where you are going in life.

And don't for one second think about staying with him "for the children". This only perpetuates poisonous relationships down the generations and YOU may also be blamed for this.

Be strong. You are worth a million of this loser. And if you go through with buying the kitchen, get the drawer!!

How are you this morning OP?

I would actually behave very childishly at this point and refuse to go ahead with the kitchen at all, but I think in reality you need to have a proper conversation with him. Remind him of the reversal in financial contributions and how it was your high earning while he was unemployed that means you are in the position to afford the kitchen in the first place and that your current contribution is being a SAHM.

Good luck with the job hunting, (Hope its not long before you are the higher earner again) I hope the conversation goes well.

Firstly, YANBU to be severely pissed off at him.

Secondly maybe point him toward this article about how hard it is looking after a child www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-46399467 and if it is sooo easy he can take a few days off work and do it all whilst you just take a massive step back and go off for a few days.

Thirdly, I am a SAHM and have been for over 10 years. I also had a new kitchen a few years ago, all my "cupboards" are actually larder pull out ones so I can get to plates at the back etc without reaching over anything. There are interior drawers so I can adjust the height rather than an actual drawer. So I have drawer tops for cutlery etc then a larder cupboard front with a drawer attached at the bottom. There is then space for an interior drawer inside.

I suffer from a medical condition that causes severe fatigue, both my sons are in secondary school now. Dh has been nothing but loving, understanding, caring and crawl on his knees appreciative over my SAHM role. It means he comes home from work, his dinner is made, he gets to spend time with us as a family rather than doing housework.

The house is considered "my office" as it is where I work. It may not be paid but it is work. Therefore most of the house renovations we did are worked around what I wanted, I am the one who cleans it, tidies it, cooks in it.

I’m fuming for you op! Him saying this is simply unacceptable, next time I recommend you remind him that he wouldn’t be in the house or financial position he’s in without your input.

Ohh and tell him the pan draw is his birthday present

"Other wise Mumsnetters will give appropriate advise"...