To feel so demeaned by a throwaway comment

[Chipbutty67]

I feel so petty even typing this out but I also feel so sad. Talk some sense into me, please.

My DH and I have been married for 10 years. When we met, he was unemployed and I was a high earner. We bought a flat, using mainly my savings for a deposit. However, after I had DC1 complications for both my son and I meant I had to take a career break. We are both recovered but I have difficulty with a very bad back still. I now have 2 DC and am a SAHM. DH works full time. We pool all finances and have joint accounts.

We have now sold the flat, releasing a bit of extra equity, and bought a house. We are using the extra money to re-do the kitchen, which is from the 1960s and very worn.

As a SAHM I do 100% of all childcare (1 child in school) and all the kitchen related tasks. I’m obviously not happy with this but any discussion leads to arguments. I think this is relevant.

When choosing the kitchen, obviously my DH has had an absolutely equal say on everything, however as only I use the kitchen, I feel like there are some purely functional elements that I am honestly better placed to choose (tiny details like type of tap, type of bins)

However, the whole process has made me feel really sad about the way my DH sees my role in the family. I’ve spent countless hours researching every last detail and showing them to him, and he then chooses what he wants.

Small things like taps etc which I ask for are usually dismissed as he can’t see the value in them, but he’s adding quite ridiculous and unnecessary extras which he wants.

Today, we were finalising the design and I asked if we could incorporate a pan drawer. I was trying to explain the functionality of not having to get down on your knees and move all the heavy pans to get to the back. In front of the salespeople he said ‘you don’t do much else, how hard is it for you to use a cupboard’. This was followed with a huff about knowing the value of money if you’ve earned it. Ultimately, I didn’t want to argue in the showroom and we went with his decision.

I didn’t say anything at the time, but at home I brought up the fact that I use the kitchen and it was unnecessary to speak to me like that. I also mentioned that the additional cost of the drawer was far less than he had spent that morning on treating himself to new games and tech in the Boxing Day sales.

Again, I was told I was ungrateful as he was buying the kitchen ‘for me’, that plenty of people make do without the bits I want, and that I shouldn’t expect any more ‘presents’ as he’s already spent enough on this kitchen.

I’m so sad but I just can’t articulate to my DH why and he’s convinced I’m being ungrateful, and I do feel a bit ungrateful as well but I also feel sad I became a SAHM I never begrudged him a single penny of our joint funds yet I find myself in a position of being unable to make simple choices.

I hope he enjoys bending down and rooting through the cupboard for his pans to cook his meal in his kitchen on his own...

OP did you ringfence your share of the deposit?

You need to tell him what’s annoying you.

If you accept these comments and this behaviour with no response then he will be under the impression it’s all fine.
The comment in the shop today - does he have any inkling how upset and annoyed you were?

Do people really need telling that behaving like arseholes hurts other people?
In what world could someone make a comment like that and not realise the person aimed at won't be jumping for joy?
Come on, this is not an "do I look fat in this" "errrr yeah..no..I don't know" type situation. This is a clear message of who he thinks he is and who OP is, and he definitely doesn't see it as partners/equals,which is a bit rich coming from a man who was unemployed with no health issues or kids to look after.

No. Nobody should need to be told. But OP doesn’t seem to have reacted to him and so he will think he can get away with that and it’s not a problem to be a wanker.

I haven't fully RTFT but please don't make more work for yourself by getting a P/T job when it will also be dismissed as insignificant so you'll have even more stress/work for no more recognition. XXX

Not letting you have the pan drawer and comments about not understanding the value of money are about power and control and keeping you in your place, not about genuine money issues.

DH and I were both on good salaries- mine better than his by about £15,000. We had both put money into buying the house but I had putmore from my equity in a previous property. Then I had DS and took a year of maternity leave during which he got a big promotion which took his salary up past mine. I never went back to work and was able to get redundancy- really decent pay-out. Then I had DD a couple of years later. Now SAHM. DH has had another big promotion and earns what we both earned.
But the money is ours. He would not dream of ever being funny about money. He knows he can only do his job and have the family life and home we have because of what I do and what I gave up. I do earn because I am self-employed as a consultant and do part-time project work when I am interested,which is well-paid and keeps me up to date. Am pregnant again- baby due in August- so won't be working for a while.
Just had a new kitchen. DH was involved in choosing the range type we chose but I chose the actual individual units and work tops and taps, sink,appliances. He does cook and do his bit but day today I am here and chose what I knew would work best. It never crossed my mind to ask if I could have pan drawers, larder units, pull -outs. I just ordered them.
Get what you want and make sure you get some pan drawers. You have made a significant financial contribution to your circumstances and make a huge contribution to yourfamily and home. He seems to have forgotten that.He needs to understand it and remember it. Don't stand for anything less than him respectingand recognising what you do. My blood boiled reading your post. You deserve better than this.

No. Nobody should need to be told. But OP doesn’t seem to have reacted to him and so he will think he can get away with that and it’s not a problem to be a wanker.

So, you are saying it's all the OP's fault that he's so unpleasant towards her? You don't feel that's a tad victim-blaming, do you?

I would have been livid.

I would take all the equity from the flat you sold and point out you bought the flat with your savings and as such he gets nothing.

I would then tell him as he is so ungrateful to you sacrificing your health and career to have his children you will be returning to work and he can sort out 50% of childcare, housework, cooking and shopping.

I would also point out that divorce will be a hell of a lot more expensive than a pan drawer which is where you are headed if he does not change his attitude.

This ^
He is treating you like a door mat. You need a serious discussion and if he doesn't believe how serious you are being, you need to make him see you cant go on like this. Tell him to pack his bags or leave.

Missing the point, but our pan drawers are the best thing in our kitchen.

He sounds like an immature arse. I’d be thinking about binning the twat and his games console.

I’m not the sort who would normally say this on Mumsnet, but I genuinely think you should start planning to leave. Given his attitude he is not going to make it easy on you. It would probably be best to try and get a job, look at how much it would cost to buy/rent a suitable property and how much benefits you would be entitled to if single.
I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with being treated like this

Do you need him as much as you’d need a pan drawer?!

No you don’t! It isn’t a throwaway comment, it is a representation of how he sees you. And not just a small part of you, your entire role in life.

Great you have a therapist, be sure to talk this through with them. And then plan... in say 3 or 6 months time, there have been no improvements on his side, make some decisions. It’s for him to improve, not you.

Buying practical items he uses, as presents for you!!! But toys for him in the sales?! What an absolute arse. You wouldn’t have given this man a second date if you knew he’d be like this

I’m so sorry OP, that’s horrendous. Bad enough to actually think like that but to cut you in front of the sales people Is so bad. Xx

Nobody should be spoken to like that, He has no respect for you. Definitely get a job if you want one and advise DH on the cost of childcare, a cleaner and microwaveable meals. You need to make sure your DC grow up to respect you and that he does not ruin your self esteem.

Chipbutty67 sorry this sounds crap. Are you happy? If not, work out what would make you happy and work towards that.

If you wan a pan drawer get one. If you want a certain style of tap, get them. If you ant to break up with him, do it. If you want to stay with him, do it. But if you do stay together, please do tell him his behaviour is unacceptable. And please get a good job, if you want to.

If you earn money it may make it easier for you to be free of him, but either way, do what you want.

Late to post, but ignore him and get what you want. I can’t believe you only want one drawer - most new kitchens are all drawers and the best thing ever. I will never go back to cupboards as I can finally get to everything without kneeling down and climbing in the cupboard.

If he’s concerned about money (or money orientated), explain to him how a decent kitchen increases the value of a property by 10%, but only if it looks luxurious (which can be done on a budget) and drawers are a major plus point in a kitchen. I also agree with getting your design created and quoted, so you can compare.

Stand up to him more often - even on little things to remind him you are equals. If he doesn’t realise it and continues to treat you poorly, you may need to reconsider if this is the life you want to lead.

Good luck.

OP, when you get a new job, look into going full-time and make sure you arrange to have your salary paid into a personal account for you that he can’t touch.

I have a feeling you will be needing your own personal income very soon.

Leave him. Why are you with him? He doesn't consider you an equal, he considers himself the boss and you are beneath him.

Getting a divorce over one comment without an adult discussion is OTT. Don't people talk anymore?

But it's not just one comment, is it? There was the comment in the show room, more comments when OP brought it up at home later, OP says her DH is often making little digs at her, and she feels he is treating her with comtempt. All this is showing a pattern, which is what the LTB proponents are reacting to.

And from a design perspective, drawers for everything instead of cupboards would be a major plus for me. No more bending, fabulous.

Also I like those tall, thin pull out racks.

He sounds horrible.

A kitchen table for you birthday that he picked out is just awful.

You are clearly much more intelligent and capable than he will ever be. Good you are going to therapy and looking for work.

Think back to the person you were before you had DC, and ask yourself if that person would put up with this shit. And then ask yourself if this is the kind or relationship you want your DC to think of as normal. Then put plans in place to leave the controlling, financially abusive areshole.

Can you contact the sales man, remove or change something he's added and get the pan drawer? I bloody would. Or if it's payment on completion- add the thing in. He's chosen to forget the time you spent supporting him and is now being a twat. Easy to say LTB when you're not involved, but he sounds like he is grinding you done- even though it's your bloody flat that's paying for this! I'm sorry. I really hope that at least in the kitchen you can get what you want.

I would just put my foot down and say "We need a pan drawer, end of."

I had to fight to get the (practical) things I wanted in the kitchen, and I'm not a SAHP, and do all the cooking. It's my room! I use it far more than anyone else.