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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so demeaned by a throwaway comment

274 replies

Chipbutty67 · 26/12/2018 22:14

I feel so petty even typing this out but I also feel so sad. Talk some sense into me, please.

My DH and I have been married for 10 years. When we met, he was unemployed and I was a high earner. We bought a flat, using mainly my savings for a deposit. However, after I had DC1 complications for both my son and I meant I had to take a career break. We are both recovered but I have difficulty with a very bad back still. I now have 2 DC and am a SAHM. DH works full time. We pool all finances and have joint accounts.

We have now sold the flat, releasing a bit of extra equity, and bought a house. We are using the extra money to re-do the kitchen, which is from the 1960s and very worn.

As a SAHM I do 100% of all childcare (1 child in school) and all the kitchen related tasks. I’m obviously not happy with this but any discussion leads to arguments. I think this is relevant.

When choosing the kitchen, obviously my DH has had an absolutely equal say on everything, however as only I use the kitchen, I feel like there are some purely functional elements that I am honestly better placed to choose (tiny details like type of tap, type of bins)

However, the whole process has made me feel really sad about the way my DH sees my role in the family. I’ve spent countless hours researching every last detail and showing them to him, and he then chooses what he wants.

Small things like taps etc which I ask for are usually dismissed as he can’t see the value in them, but he’s adding quite ridiculous and unnecessary extras which he wants.

Today, we were finalising the design and I asked if we could incorporate a pan drawer. I was trying to explain the functionality of not having to get down on your knees and move all the heavy pans to get to the back. In front of the salespeople he said ‘you don’t do much else, how hard is it for you to use a cupboard’. This was followed with a huff about knowing the value of money if you’ve earned it. Ultimately, I didn’t want to argue in the showroom and we went with his decision.

I didn’t say anything at the time, but at home I brought up the fact that I use the kitchen and it was unnecessary to speak to me like that. I also mentioned that the additional cost of the drawer was far less than he had spent that morning on treating himself to new games and tech in the Boxing Day sales.

Again, I was told I was ungrateful as he was buying the kitchen ‘for me’, that plenty of people make do without the bits I want, and that I shouldn’t expect any more ‘presents’ as he’s already spent enough on this kitchen.

I’m so sad but I just can’t articulate to my DH why and he’s convinced I’m being ungrateful, and I do feel a bit ungrateful as well but I also feel sad I became a SAHM I never begrudged him a single penny of our joint funds yet I find myself in a position of being unable to make simple choices.

OP posts:
maras2 · 27/12/2018 05:41

Is there by any chance a patio shop near the kitchen shop Smile

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2018 06:16

Your husband sounds horrible and ungrateful for everything you have done for him.

I was left disabled after the birth of my dd and have fibromyalgia and chronic pain along with ME. I am far too ill to work so dh is the breadwinner. We chose the door fronts and work top / sink / handles etc. The layout was to fit my needs. We have 3 sets of drawers (ergo 3 small, 6 large drawers) so that the most used items are accessible for me. The height of the units are set with me in mind.

The good kitchen layout has made such a difference to my pain and general health as I don’t have to bend inside cupboards to retrieve pots, pans and plates.

My dh was in denial for a long time about my general health. He believed my pain as I couldn’t walk in pregnancy and after without constant painkillers and crutches.

Flowers
The4thSandersonSister · 27/12/2018 06:28

Get back to work, get back your self-confidence and drive and get in control.

Sexnotgender · 27/12/2018 06:39

I’m angry on your behalf! What an absolute cunt.

Please dry your tears and find your rage. How dare he treat you like this.

Sexnotgender · 27/12/2018 06:44

And in my opinion it wasn’t a throwaway comment. It was a very deliberate comment to let you know your place and your value.

Rhubardandcustard · 27/12/2018 06:56

I had years of putting up with comments like this. He is now my exh and I got my own house and can choose everything I like, paid for by myself.

Please dont let him get away with this behaviour, you are in a partnership and he needs to respect you.

DartmoorDoughnut · 27/12/2018 06:57

Look hopefully he’s not a total bellend bloody sounds like he is but fingers crossed but he’s got used to ‘being the boss’ he is NOT your boss/superior/leader/whatever

I guess you feel like you have less say because you’re not bringing in money any more. You have power. You’ve given him two amazing children that you made and nurtured and you continue to do this.

Yes try to find a job because I think it will help you value yourself more but in the meantime HE IS NOT YOUR BOSS.

Tell him you’re phoning the kitchen company and getting the pan drawers and that the kitchen is for the fucking house not you!

MiniTheMinx · 27/12/2018 07:00

He's buying 'you' a new kitchen for 'his new house' so you can cook his food for him. I'd have walked out of the showroom if my DH had spoken to me like that.

When people compare this to the 1950s I feel I want to disagree. I think this attitude is all new and very much contextual and contingent on the fact that now most women work. Men believe our own hype. We thought equality was contingent upon having equal access to work, equal working hours and equal pay. Men have listened and this is now where it lands us. The choice to work was a demand for equality, however we now have no choice at all. And choice proves not to be the basis of equality at all.

You can work 80 hrs on twice his salary but you'll still be picking up his socks and cooking his meals, entertaining his kids and pandering to his fragile ego. And still you won't be treated as an equal. This man, like many others has a conveniently constructed view of women that will always serve his own selfish and sexist agenda.

Both you and he may believe that if you work he will treat you with respect. It's doubtful. You'll just be making his load lighter.

Kitkatbar2018 · 27/12/2018 07:09

My first - LEAVE THE BASTARD - find yourself again and then build a separate kitchen for your pans!! And send him daily pictures of it to your worthless bastard (future ) ex!!

didihearthatright123456 · 27/12/2018 07:12

Wow my first ever LTB!!

What a dick, think you need to remind where that equity was generated from.

dreaminofholidays · 27/12/2018 07:22

OP I am so sorry he speaks to you like that and makes you feel this way.

I agree with others I am sure the sales person, as would anyone else, will have been disgusted by his comment.

It sounds like you are taking some really important steps to get back in control and stand up to him. Good for you!!

SAHM is no less important than paid work, I'm also sure it's a hell of a lot harder than paid work too. But I can see it must be so easy to start thinking you get less of a say etc. because you don't bring in the money at the moment but that's because you are raising your DCs not because you are lazy.

DH sounds like a horrible person. I hope your therapist can help you have the right conversation with him and he realises what he has done and is absolutely mortified by his actions.

xxx

KataraJean · 27/12/2018 07:35

I agree that this is not a throwaway comment, it is a pattern of behaviour and not a very nice one at that.

The digs and undermining comments have eroded your self-esteem. This man is not treating you as an equal or with any kind of respect. He is belittling you in public as well. And who buys their wife a table for her birthday? (Unless it is a special table she really, really wants for her birthday, and this is agreed on by her).

Really and truly? I would consider cancelling the kitchen as the money came from your flat, and is anyway half yours in the marriage. It might be better in your bank account going forward. Think about what you want to do. You already say you know you cannot rely on him. I hope you find a job soon. You need to be financially secure so you are not dependent on a man who treats you like this. I am fairly sure that once you are working, he will simply move on to find another way to grind you down. He is basically showing you who he is.

Your therapist sounds good - keep with her.

sulflower · 27/12/2018 07:38

What an absolute twat of a man. I really feel for you having to put up with him. I hope your therapist helps you get back your self esteem which has been knocked out of you and gives you the means to stand up to him. I very rarely get angry but if my husband had humiliated me like that I would have ripped his head off. You deserve to be treated far better than you are right now. Wishing you the best Flowers.

DeepanKrispanEven · 27/12/2018 07:47

If the family car was a present to you, tell him he has to ask to borrow it every time he wants to use it.

londonrach · 27/12/2018 07:48

As someone whosusing the kitchen more id say you get to decide design. Cancel the kitchen for now and rethink relationship.

masterandmargarita · 27/12/2018 07:52

I don't like the way that getting a job is seen as the only solution. That's buying into his views that you're only worth something if you have a pay packet.

Ohheyyy · 27/12/2018 07:55

This is awful. I hope his shit attitude doesn't rub off onto your kids as it's not ok.

Tinkie25 · 27/12/2018 07:55

Omg what an arse.

I don’t say this often, but I would LTB too.

Sparkletastic · 27/12/2018 07:56

Get some childcare
Get back to work
Get a divorce

And I'm fully on board with mentioning his previous unemployment loudly at every opportunity.

RogueV · 27/12/2018 07:59

He sounds awful op.

I used to be a higher earner until we had kids. I still work but part time. We’ve recently had a new kitchen put in - which DH has mostly paid for. He’s left it all to me - it’s all been my choice.

(You defo need a pan drawer).
Your husbands comments were nasty and belittling.

sheldonstwin · 27/12/2018 08:01

Another one signing in to say that your OH reminds me of my EXH. Is it really worth the effort being with this man any more?

MamaLovesMango · 27/12/2018 08:01

Mysoginistic fucker.

Please say you have sons with this man and not daughters....

Lovingit81 · 27/12/2018 08:01

I'm sorry OP but that's no marriage. I can't ever imagine my DH speaking to me like that or making me feel like that. He sounds awful. I'm so sorry Thanks

BlackCatSleeping · 27/12/2018 08:02

I think the point of the OP getting work is more to give her options to leave if she decides. Being out of work can make it harder to leave.

MiniCooperLover · 27/12/2018 08:02

Oh OP, I felt so sad reading that. It's easy to say you need to start being assertive but he's clearly worn you down. We are also doing a new kitchen soon and when in a showroom I mentioned a kind of sink I like. My DH disagreed and said he didn't like that style. The salesman very sensibly (and smoothly 😊) asked who does the most washing up/would use the sink more and I laughed and DH held his hands up and said 'point taken' (I would point out that DH does still do loads of tidying/cleaning). He has at one point made a joke about 'buying me a kitchen' and I took it at face value as a joke but did very seriously point out that if he ever says he's 'buying me a kitchen' again I'd be incredibly upset and angry and this is OUR house. He was very contrite, apologised and has never said it again. THAT is what your DH should have done.