AIBU to feel so angry over a Xmas present

[Allegf]

Ok bear with me it could get long

My GrandMIL has always been cold with me. We visit her regularly and I always make polite conversations with her. Over the last year things have got worse with the way she is towards me.For some reason anything I do is wrong.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have 2 kids and are getting married next summer. My DPs uncle recently got married and had a baby. His new wife and him were only together around 6 months before marriage but she has only been in the picture for around 3 years - relevant

Anyways this brings me to Christmas. Every year my DP small family (12 people) exchange a gift for everyone. I always get a joint gift with my DP from both of us spending around £30 on each person with a thoughtful gift. Over the past 3 years from my GMIL I have recived a keyring with the wrong initial, used hand soap and this year a bloody fruit cake?!
GMIL is not short of money. She actually previous has gloated about this so that isn’t the issue, my DP, BIL, FIL and my DP uncles always get generous gifts or money.
This year as I open my fruit cake and stare down in disbelief I look up to see my DPs uncles new wife hugging my GMIL thanking her for the generous gift clutching a handful of cash. The response was ‘I know, the men always get everything from me on Xmas I thought it was time I spoilt the ladies too so I got you and (MIL) a little treat

I didn’t know how to react so walked out the room and into the toilet where I actually welled up. It not the money. I wouldn’t care if it was a voucher for £5. Its the fact I was never considered.

AIBU or do I need to just shove fruitcake in my face and shut up!

I have recived a keyring with the wrong initial, used hand soap

Those are not gifts they are calculated insults from someone who boasts of wealth.

Its not about the male bloodline getting more than the DiL/GDiLs being valued less its about getting second hand bar of soap when the other Female iLs get generous gifts.

Some people see gifts of money as a means of keeping control, maybe she sees it the same way.

If previously the other women have been treated equally badly its hard to see that its anything to do with being actually married.
If its a case of buying for children instead of parents once they arrive then the DP would also be getting used soap.

Is she generally uninterested or dismissive of you? In which case you probably won't change things but after three years of it I wouldn't be exerting any effort to maintain a relationship with someone so plainly uninterested in me. Let DP take the children to see her and take some time out instead of going with them.

and the not "than the"

Please clarify for me. ALL the grandchildren (your DH's 'peers') got £100. And all the grandchildren's PARTNERS (your 'peers') got £100 (or some amount of cash) except for you? Do I have that right?

you could ask her if her parents were unmarried when they had her.

I honestly think you'd be better just having nothing to do with her. Don't engage. Would you really want anything from this bitter old woman.

She's given you the perfect out. You, DP and your kids need never see her again. Spoil yourself instead. Life is short. not short enough for GrandMIL

Here have

Make sure you leave the cake behind when you go. If you have already gone, give it to your DP and ask him to give it her next time he visits.

I wouldn't be going again personally.

fruit cake keeps give her it back next year

@AcrossthePond55 op is the only gf of any grandchildren

It's utter crap. Does she have issues with you not being married and having children?

I agree with the pp who said sure she could afford it now but what about in ten years when there are more GC partners, more GGC - setting a precedent of giving you expensive presents now could end up costing her a lot.

Also what’s the story with the uncle just getting married, is this a second marriage, or is he a lot younger than your DP’s parent? I’m wondering if his mum was worried about him being single a long time and she now feels very grateful to his wife and keen to invite her into the family. She might not have felt the same level of worry over your DP, IYSWIM.

When I gave birth to DC1 GMIL only had one GGC. She now has 10 and still has a couple of GC who are quite young and may well go on to be parents.

She’s only ever given my kids token gifts and me, nothing at all. Wouldn’t expect any different tbh. Certainly don’t view myself as on the same level as an actual DIL.

So all the grandchildren got the same. But you want something for you.
Your kids got 50 each- and you are still ungrateful.

It is not her - it is you.
(Do you want her to spend £300 on your little family?)

Thanks @CrispbuttyNo1

In that case OP, yabvu. Firstly a gift is what someone feels like giving you. Secondly, you cannot compare yourself to a grandchild or a DiL.

Could very well be that is because you aren't married and therefore not 'family'. Could be that she works on a 'tier' system and all the spouses or partners of her DGC will be treated the same.

Fascinating that people are seeing this situation so differently.

The key ring, how is it the wrong initial? Is your name eg Tricia and she got you P for Patricia or something? Or has she mistaken the letter for your initial by mistake?

Is the “used soap” actually used, with dried on lather on it, or just unwrapped and re-wrapped?

We used to chuckle at some of the things that DH’s nan gave wives and partners of her grandchildren. She generally gave nicer things to her own daughter in law and so she should, she is a much much closer relative in terms of family tree and did a lot for her. OP, you’re not even IN the family tree yet, people that generation set a lot of store by marriage in terms of the seriousness of a relationship (and so they should in my opinion, very wise)

I think the presents are erm, quirky, but you just can’t compare because of the difference in relationship

I’m going to say it. OP, I think you’re jealous because you’re not married yet and the others are, and you realise now that this changes the way the world sees you. that will change soon, and you will soon see next Christmas how she feels about you once you have married into the family.

People of that generation can be strange and capricious with their present giving. My own DH's grandmother, who was a fantastic relic of a bygone era, gave me an apple corer one year. Completely useless (I don't like apples) and probably bought at a pound shop, despite the fact that she was rolling in money. The following year she gave me another one, which caused a certain amount of mirth. But it wasn't a snub. We got on like a house on fire, which was partly because we amused each other a lot, and partly because it entertained her to get on well with me in contrast with the prickly relationship we both had with my MIL/her DIL. She just didn't consider Christmas presents or their value very important or a measure of someone's value to her, so much as part of a ritual that tradition and decorum required all of us to adhere to each year. A bar of used soap is a bit much, but I could quite have seen her giving a part-used bottle of perfume or bubble bath. Certainly, to that generation, regifting is frequently seen as thrifty and, done carefully, no less thoughtful than buying new. Without being in the room and understanding the family dynamics better, I am not convinced that YANBU, and despite saying she is cold to you in other ways, you give no examples of that. Could you be over-expecting a bit?

I feel sorry for great gran in law now! She gave your family £200 and a fruit cake and you’re being nasty about her! Seriously, you’re her grandson’s girlfriend not her DIL plus she’s shelling out for your 2 kids.

Used soap from last year sounds bad, unless like a pp said it was just re-wrapped or something.

people that generation set a lot of store by marriage in terms of the seriousness of a relationship (and so they should in my opinion, very wise)

Nice bit of casual ageism there.

The OP is the mother of two acknowledged great grandchildren, she is in the family tree already.

Neither my DM (late 80s) nor my socially conservative late MiL who would be in her mid 90s would treat a partner and mother of grandchildren in this way. Its appalling bad manners apart from anything else.

Nor did they discriminate between the blood children and the non blood children when it came to birthday/Christmas gifts. Its only on MN that I've ever heard this described as normal or a good thing - I wouldn't dream of treating my children's partners (married or not) in such a petty manner for annual celebrations.

It’s just mean spirited and done to belittle you and make you upset. Give the cake to a food bank, that’ll make you feel better (it’ll only taste bitter otherwise) and next year give her the key ring back. Then just move on and not give a shit.

My MIL’s acceptance of me and of my relationship with DH changed noticeably overnight when we got married. Although to be fair, that was 20 years ago and we didn’t have children.

It's because you aren't married.

But it's ridiculously spiteful and mean to do this. I would've been upset too.

See what happens next Christmas, when you're married. Hopefully she'll be nicer but if she's not, call her out on it. Laugh and say, good one grandmil! I love joke presents! And give her the fruitcake back! Half eaten preferably!

Your Dp is her grandson though? And his uncle is her son? So it’s a different generation and further away relative wise. My grandmother gives lesser presents to my DP than to my Mum’s DP - I wouldn’t expect anything else.

(I mean she doesn’t sound like a nice lady, and I would t want to hang out with her - and the presents she has given are rubbish - but I would t expect to be treated in the same way as a closer relation)

I think she is getting a hard time. Maybe what she should have done is give BF and you £50 each, I'd bet thats what she'll do once your married.
Meanwhile its unreasonable to expect BFs granny to give your BFs family £300 and other GC £100, poor Granny is in difficult position.
She has to think to 5 years time more GC-in-laws, more GGC.

That's going to mean very expensive Christmases

Maybe she'll have 'kicked the bucket' by next year!! :)

A fruitcake seems a particularly barbed token present, somehow. So, YANBU.

But I would be more hacked off if I was MIL tbh. Her brother and other male relatives, including her son, get large cash gifts each year, and this year she and the new DIL were included ‘as a treat’?

My MIL has seven siblings. The male siblings inherited all the money and property and the women got nothing. This is what their own parents put in their will. The women were furious. It caused a major rift.

The only time I met them all they were quite unwelcoming to me. I was their nephew’s wife! They barely registered me tbh. I also had our first child before we were married and I felt this was definitely a factor. Also, I am a woman.

I would be excusing myself from these odd family dos in future. And perhaps not sending my children so often in case they grow up thinking male favouritism and rudeness to unmarried mothers is normal/acceptable.

ohlittletown0f
So all the grandchildren got the same. But you want something for you.
Your kids got 50 each- and you are still ungrateful.

The fruitcake and other assorted trash are not thoughtful gifts.

I doubt that its the money, its the lack of thought.

TBH, I wouldn't be going back and neither would the children.

I think given you aren’t in the same level as her children and their partners not getting cash makes sense. But, the used hand soap and the key ring with wrong initial are just nasty. Why would people do that? Even a hand soap set or something is miles better.