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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel so angry over a Xmas present

317 replies

Allegf · 26/12/2018 20:16

Ok bear with me it could get long

My GrandMIL has always been cold with me. We visit her regularly and I always make polite conversations with her. Over the last year things have got worse with the way she is towards me.For some reason anything I do is wrong.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have 2 kids and are getting married next summer. My DPs uncle recently got married and had a baby. His new wife and him were only together around 6 months before marriage but she has only been in the picture for around 3 years - relevant

Anyways this brings me to Christmas. Every year my DP small family (12 people) exchange a gift for everyone. I always get a joint gift with my DP from both of us spending around £30 on each person with a thoughtful gift. Over the past 3 years from my GMIL I have recived a keyring with the wrong initial, used hand soap and this year a bloody fruit cake?!
GMIL is not short of money. She actually previous has gloated about this so that isn’t the issue, my DP, BIL, FIL and my DP uncles always get generous gifts or money.
This year as I open my fruit cake and stare down in disbelief I look up to see my DPs uncles new wife hugging my GMIL thanking her for the generous gift clutching a handful of cash. The response was ‘I know, the men always get everything from me on Xmas I thought it was time I spoilt the ladies too so I got you and (MIL) a little treat

I didn’t know how to react so walked out the room and into the toilet where I actually welled up. It not the money. I wouldn’t care if it was a voucher for £5. Its the fact I was never considered.

AIBU or do I need to just shove fruitcake in my face and shut up!

OP posts:
Lindtnotlint · 26/12/2018 23:18

I think you are over-reacting a bit. Not a good gift, but you are a pretty distant relation, and expecting the same as a daughter-in-law seems rather grabby. (I am sort of curious about the used soap!! Fruit cake is the kind of uninspiring but ultimately inoffensive gift I think one would expect in these circs).

Chalk up to experience, tolerate and move on. It’s not worth losing sleep over. (And the people suggesting she should be confronted over this are utterly mad).

C0untDucku1a · 26/12/2018 23:20

Actually wet, used soap? Likr actually used by someone to wash their hands??

You kight thinkyoure more than a girlfriend, but you are not his wife. That seems to be the issue.

But also, youre the grandchild’s girlfriend. The person you're comparing yourself to is the daughter-in-law. Very different.

Could you update next boxing day, after youre married?

poppiesallykatie · 26/12/2018 23:46

Take control of the situation. Stop waiting to see what breadcrumbs this fecker is throwing out. I'd be nasty and ring her and ask her what was in that fruitcake because you all have food poisoning now. That would be a sly way of calling her out, causing a reaction, she'll step up her passive aggressive attitude and show her nastier side.

Once is a mistake, more than once you are a fool to put up with it. Get her a pair of socks now 'in the sale' for next Christmas and be bright and breezy or just don't go and engage with her anymore. Age does not give you a free pass.

HairyDogsFeet · 26/12/2018 23:49

They are a daughter in law? You are the partner of a grandchild?

Different gift league. Although no excuse for giving crap, but in the £10 token gift group.

OMGFFS · 27/12/2018 00:16

Give her nothing next year and say you forgot then return the same fruit cake!

Or but the bat in a home.

To the people advising she shouldn’t get anything (the OP) don’t be surprised if your kids hate you

UhUhUhDennis · 27/12/2018 00:19

Shove it in her face instead

GunpowderGelatine · 27/12/2018 00:23

Another one who is gonna take a punt at her being pissy because you're not yet married. Some elderly people can be really wound up about it, my own nan was "mortified" when DH (then just a boyfriend) moved in with me without us being engaged.

Anyway, regardless, she's a dick. I suggest keeping your distance next Christmas and certainly don't go spending £60 on her!

EdtheBear · 27/12/2018 00:38

How can people say not to spend money on her?
I assume the gift given to Granny was a family gift, paid for by family money, in exchange for £200 and a token fruit cake???

Holidayshopping · 27/12/2018 00:39

Details about the used soap and the wrong initial letter key ring would be useful. What is your name and what letter was chosen?

Fluffyears · 27/12/2018 00:41

Chuck the cake in her toilet so it blocks. Clear message!

PurpleMoodyRazu · 27/12/2018 00:55

I get it OP, its about not being treated as a family member, despite your DP being your partner and your children being their family. I pretty much wasn't acknowledged by DH's family until we were married and still me and our kids are treated poorly, left out, not considered etc. It's a real point of contention in our marriage. In my family in laws are treated like family members and every one is treated equally, my SIL, my sister and I often get the same Christmas present from my parents. It's particularly harsh when you are the only one being treated differently. You are not your DP's girlfriend, you are his partner and the mother of his children, you are his family and should be treated accordingly. He really should be standing up for you.

Drogosnextwife · 27/12/2018 01:11

I don't think things will change once you get married. I think it's because you are her ggc gf, so not a gc or ggs or dil. Also, you said she gave the dils cash and said she was always treating the men so this year it was their turn, does that mean it was just her dils and her dgc and dggc that got cash gifts and her actual dc didn't?

iamthewalrusgoogoogjoob · 27/12/2018 01:31

Op has clearly said the gmil has treated her badly in the past and isn't nice to her, so I don't know why people are jumping on the 'a token gift is fine'.
Stop visiting her. On Christmas let your dp go by himself. Why would you put yourself through this every year?

And what does he say about it?

ChristmasFan2018 · 27/12/2018 02:57

Used soap HmmAngryEnvy

MarcieBluebell · 27/12/2018 03:22

The gift sucks but don't be angry. Just don't pay attention to her.

Birdie6 · 27/12/2018 04:13

Having kids without being married might be the issue. I take it she is about 80 ? That generation saw an unmarried woman with kids as being "less" than a married one. She doesn't have any respect for you. That is the explanation for the thoughtless gifts. She wouldn't see her grandson in the same light - in her generation, it was the woman who set the tone for the relationship so she will judge you and not him.

Slamadramafamalam · 27/12/2018 05:30

Next year, or earlier, do a poo in a pretty box, let it dry out, wrap said box and ta-da, one ready made fuck off gift.

floribunda18 · 27/12/2018 05:41

I'd say "Thank you for the fruit cake!" loudly in front of everyone so that they can't possibly miss the slight.

OliviaBenson · 27/12/2018 07:01

What did your DP say?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 27/12/2018 07:16

You are her grandsons partner a token gift is acceptable especially as your dcs were given decent gifts. Next year let DP get her present and just sign it from him and the children.

givemesteel · 27/12/2018 07:24

Admittedly I'm a bit of a twat sometimes but if she gave me a used soap or something with the wrong initials I'd call her out on it with in front of everyone a look of faux sympathy / concern that she must be in the early stages of dementia. That's how I'd talk about it with other relatives 'poor Grandmil, she's getting so confused....'.

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 27/12/2018 07:26

My grandparents would have seen you as official only once married- children or not. Up until marriage you would get a token gift. GCs got more than GCIL once married. My uncle’s partner didn’t get a DIL present until married either. Up till marriage it was token.

Used soap is a bit yuck mind you. I’d have liked the fruit cake.

Laureline · 27/12/2018 07:30

I wouldn’t get riled up, personally - I think as an adult you have to decide who has the power to hurt your feelings - and a GMIL? Nope, don’t care. Polite but distant is the way to go.

But as I can see you are hurt, just use this as a great opportunity for you to give a really atrocious (but socially acceptable) present next year! Take it as a challenge!

The4thSandersonSister · 27/12/2018 07:39

Get married if the Christmas envelope is that important to you. You are not related to her by blood or marriage which is obviously an important distinction for this lady when it comes to the hierarchy of gift giving. Rightly or wrongly it matters to her. Not sure anything short of her getting to wear a new hat will change that.

Deadbudgie · 27/12/2018 07:45

She will have a cut off point of ‘being married’ in her head for being part of the family. Depend how old she is but it might be a generational thing. I know someone whose parents would not let her share a room with DP in their house before marriage even though they had kids! Tbh I’d just suck it up, bet you will get a nice pressie next year when you’re married. In the meantime cheese is excellent with fruit cake

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