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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel so angry over a Xmas present

317 replies

Allegf · 26/12/2018 20:16

Ok bear with me it could get long

My GrandMIL has always been cold with me. We visit her regularly and I always make polite conversations with her. Over the last year things have got worse with the way she is towards me.For some reason anything I do is wrong.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have 2 kids and are getting married next summer. My DPs uncle recently got married and had a baby. His new wife and him were only together around 6 months before marriage but she has only been in the picture for around 3 years - relevant

Anyways this brings me to Christmas. Every year my DP small family (12 people) exchange a gift for everyone. I always get a joint gift with my DP from both of us spending around £30 on each person with a thoughtful gift. Over the past 3 years from my GMIL I have recived a keyring with the wrong initial, used hand soap and this year a bloody fruit cake?!
GMIL is not short of money. She actually previous has gloated about this so that isn’t the issue, my DP, BIL, FIL and my DP uncles always get generous gifts or money.
This year as I open my fruit cake and stare down in disbelief I look up to see my DPs uncles new wife hugging my GMIL thanking her for the generous gift clutching a handful of cash. The response was ‘I know, the men always get everything from me on Xmas I thought it was time I spoilt the ladies too so I got you and (MIL) a little treat

I didn’t know how to react so walked out the room and into the toilet where I actually welled up. It not the money. I wouldn’t care if it was a voucher for £5. Its the fact I was never considered.

AIBU or do I need to just shove fruitcake in my face and shut up!

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2018 20:48

“Sil’s fiancé has been on the scene about 5 years, he got a niva set and a joint booking for a weekend away somewhere nice.I got two toiletries sets a gift you can someone when you can’t be arsed to get something nice. I was clearly an after thought”

Confused so presumably the weekend away was probably really a present to her daughter, with her fiancé going along with her?

So what did YOUR DH get as HIS present because this clearly isn’t about what the offsprings’ partners got as SIl’s fiancé really just got a Nivea set and just happens to be tagging along as a “plus one” for your DH’s sister’s weekend away?

Original poster
Allegf · 26/12/2018 20:48

Each other grandchild got £100 cash. I am the only partner my futureBIL is single.
So everyone else in the room got a envolope of cash. - it wasn’t about the value of the gift it was that I was the only one not considered- again
Except my 2 DS (5&3) who got £50 cheques for their accounts.

We have two children together and are due to be married in 4 months so would say more than a girlfriend.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2018 20:52

“Each other grandchild got £100 cash”

So what did your partner get? You know, the one who is she actual grandchild?

abbsisspartacus · 26/12/2018 20:52

Your kids got your gift

Silkei · 26/12/2018 20:52

Each other grandchild got £100 cash. I am the only partner

So presumably your DP received £100 cash? You aren’t a grandchild (you’re a grandchild’s girlfriend) so why would you also expect £100? Imo a token gift is quite sufficient.

Fairylightfurore · 26/12/2018 20:53

It's definitely because you're not married although it sounds like she doesn't like you on top of that. My parents only got boyfriends of my sisters and I token gifts until we were married. They were thoughtful gifts, but they only got the cheque's/ big gifts once they had formally joined the family. I actually don't have an issue with that. What I would have a problem with is the way she clearly seems to be going out of her way to give you thoughtless gifts and saying things to stick it to you. Sorry op, I think your dp should have a word, not to say where's the cash but to point out she's being insensitive. I suspect you'll get cash next year, but if it's not tackled you'll still get the digs Flowers

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2018 20:53

Look I’m pretty sure my gifts from MIL and PIL are worth less than the ones she gives to my husband. Am I supposed to be cross at that? Confused He is her actual child.

FloatingthroughSpace · 26/12/2018 20:55

You aren't daughter or daughter in law. You're not great grandchild. You are not quite grandchild-in-law.
You may not be unreasonable to think you were quite badly off with a fruitcake, but you wbvu to expect to get the same as daughter or daughter-in-law.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2018 20:55

“ Sorry op, I think your dp should have a word, not to say where's the cash but to point out she's being insensitive. I suspect you'll get cash next year, but if it's not tackled you'll still get the digs “

God, no, don’t do this!! You’ll both come across as greedy....

Buttercupsandaisies · 26/12/2018 20:56

I think it's wierd giving kids and their partners different present values when married- my parents both give DH the same as me and visa Versa.

Do the other grandkids have children? What did your dp get? Could your budget (both if you) have been passed to kids if the other grandkids don't have any? That's the norm in my family

RebootYourEngine · 26/12/2018 20:57

What does your dp say about this?

Original poster
Allegf · 26/12/2018 20:57

& the value of the gift to my DP was irrelevant. He is her grandson and my DS’ are her great grandchildren.
It was more than all partners regardless of how far down the generations we are (we are all adults) were treated so differently. It’s not a lone incident of me being brushed aside. It was just the icing on the cake (or fruit cake)

OP posts:
Beautyandthe · 26/12/2018 20:58

Don't visit her again until you get an apology or she sincerely tries to make amends.
It'll be no skin off your nose not to see her (nice afternoons to yourself!) , if DP wants it resolved he will have to have a conversation with her about it.

There's no reason for you to continue being involved in her life when she has shown such disrespect for you. It's out of your hands for now.

foxedupfox · 26/12/2018 20:58

What a cunt

malificent7 · 26/12/2018 20:58

A fruitcake is better than used soap ...but the coldness is mean.

Cat1nthehat · 26/12/2018 20:59

You are being so grabby. Why would you expect more than a token gift? You share the £100 with your oh and your children got a lovely gift. I wouldn’t expect anything more from partners grandparent (whether we were married or not).
What she bought her own children and their partners is irrelevant.

Dotty1970 · 26/12/2018 20:59

How humiliating for you 😫
I would speak to her and especially get your dp to if it really bothers you.
But other than that make a song and dance of how happy you are to have received this gift, ask her if she has enjoyed hers...... Or just leave and don't go back

Silkei · 26/12/2018 21:00

DH’s Gran gives generous gifts to her grandchildren, who grew up with her, who she babysat and played with and fed, her actual blood relatives who carry her genes. Spouses of grandchildren (including me) get a token gift. It’s never occurred to me that I/we should receive more.

YBVU to expect to receive the same as her DSs, DILs and GCs. The real test will be when the other GCs get partners, will they receive the same sort of gift as you?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/12/2018 21:01

I'm Shock at the wrong inital keyring and the used handsoap.

Was it freshly bought fruitcake or was it kicking around or near use by date. Out of last years hamper?
Or a slice skived off it and re-wrapped .

I wouldn't throw it at her or in the bin, but I'd maybe leave it prominently on her bed when I left .

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2018 21:02

It is not the value, but the way she was treated, op was humiliated.

Rachelle3211 · 26/12/2018 21:04

If she gave your dp money wouldn't that be a gift to you both? And she gave your kids 100? I think those were your gifts and the fruit cake was a bonus.

Maelstrop · 26/12/2018 21:05

So she have the kids £100 each and not you? Once kids are on the scene, I buy for the kids, not the parents. Seems legit.

Sugarformyhoney · 26/12/2018 21:05

Say nothing. It’s clearly because you are unimportant to her. Next year get her a small token gift next year instead of the thoughtful gift you have previously.
My Dp mum used to get my SIL really nice presents and me a load of tat... so the following year I returned the favour with a crap present.

Silkei · 26/12/2018 21:05

It was more than all partners regardless of how far down the generations we are (we are all adults) were treated so differently

But it does matter how far down the generations you are. Lots of people will give a DIL more than a GrandDIL, or a DC more than a GrandDC.

Perhaps she doesn’t want to set a precedent for giving you a big gift because when her other GCs get partners she won’t be able to give you all big gifts? And then you’d be complaining that you used to receive a generous gift when you were the only GrandDIL, but now there are 6 GrandDILs so you only get a cake?

LimpidPools · 26/12/2018 21:06

How old is she OP?

Not that it matters much - both my grandmothers are well over 90 now and neither have ever done this to the partners with whom their children and grandchildren have lived in sin Grin

You're not "grabby" you're legitimately upset because you know you're being treated unfairly. Hurt and jealousy are not the same thing.