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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel so angry over a Xmas present

317 replies

Allegf · 26/12/2018 20:16

Ok bear with me it could get long

My GrandMIL has always been cold with me. We visit her regularly and I always make polite conversations with her. Over the last year things have got worse with the way she is towards me.For some reason anything I do is wrong.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have 2 kids and are getting married next summer. My DPs uncle recently got married and had a baby. His new wife and him were only together around 6 months before marriage but she has only been in the picture for around 3 years - relevant

Anyways this brings me to Christmas. Every year my DP small family (12 people) exchange a gift for everyone. I always get a joint gift with my DP from both of us spending around £30 on each person with a thoughtful gift. Over the past 3 years from my GMIL I have recived a keyring with the wrong initial, used hand soap and this year a bloody fruit cake?!
GMIL is not short of money. She actually previous has gloated about this so that isn’t the issue, my DP, BIL, FIL and my DP uncles always get generous gifts or money.
This year as I open my fruit cake and stare down in disbelief I look up to see my DPs uncles new wife hugging my GMIL thanking her for the generous gift clutching a handful of cash. The response was ‘I know, the men always get everything from me on Xmas I thought it was time I spoilt the ladies too so I got you and (MIL) a little treat

I didn’t know how to react so walked out the room and into the toilet where I actually welled up. It not the money. I wouldn’t care if it was a voucher for £5. Its the fact I was never considered.

AIBU or do I need to just shove fruitcake in my face and shut up!

OP posts:
Steamedbadger · 26/12/2018 21:06

So you gave her a gift worth about £30, she gave your family £200 and a cake (Fruit cakes are not necessarily particularly cheap). And people are calling her a cunt? Really?
Just out of interest, how often do you make any effort to see or help this relative of your partner during the year? Maybe the uncle's new wife sees more of her?

Silkei · 26/12/2018 21:08

My Dp mum used to get my SIL really nice presents and me a load of tat
You’re the same generation and the same relation as your SIL so YANBU to expect the same. But OP is comparing herself to people who are closer relatives and one generation higher, so she’s BU to expect the same as them.

aPoundInTheHand · 26/12/2018 21:12

She was being pretty mean - did your fiancé not say anything?
Downgrade her gift next year, better yet, keep the fruitcake & regift it back to her Xmas Wink

CrispbuttyNo1 · 26/12/2018 21:20

So your family got £200 in total. If your partners brother had a girlfriend then you could make a comparison but I think as a family you have done ok.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 26/12/2018 21:21

Do you only give one gift between you? Is that the problem?

Aarghhelpplease · 26/12/2018 21:22

Speak to your Dp and see whether he can bring it up with her. My DM is probably around the same age and has convoluted rules as to why she gives different people different things, it’s not meant to offend but if (for example) she has 3 GC who eventually get partners and then have children, even if she is fairly well off the amount she would spend at Christmas may end up being too much. She probably feel that your children should get a more substantial gift than yourself. I honestly do not thin that you can compare your gift to her DILs. I understand why you may feel a bit put out but I bet if you asked her she could at least explain her logic (I bet she has thought it through)

aPoundInTheHand · 26/12/2018 21:24

I think it is probably the comment about spoiling the ladies that is the kicker here... no matter what you think about the gifts and rules for who should get what, that comment was pure mean spirited

madcatladyforever · 26/12/2018 21:27

Revenge, this is the only way you will feel better. maybe she has a thing about people having kids before marriage, some elderly can be like that.
Plan to give her something as insulting as fuck next year, you will feel so much better Grin
I'm so over letting people treat me like this.

Threadastaire · 26/12/2018 21:29

You and your DP gave her one joint gift. She gave you and your DP one gift, alittke extra, and gifts for your kids. But you want her to treat you separate and provide extra? If that is the case why didn't you buy her your own gift instead of assuming your DPs gift was enough?

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2018 21:31

No op dp got £200. She did not give the envelope to the dp and say this is something for both of you, it is up to dp to give her some or none at all.

aPoundInTheHand · 26/12/2018 21:33

I bet others gave a joint present to the old lady and still got separate cash pressies. Not sure why so many on here jump to give the OP a hard time Hmm

C00lio · 26/12/2018 21:39

Crumble up the fruitcake, quietly drop it on her carpet when nobody is looking and grind it in well.

WrapAndRoll · 26/12/2018 21:40

Next year, give her a key ring with the wrong initial. Say it was so amusing when she gave it to you that you wanted to return the favour.

Ethel36 · 26/12/2018 21:42

Your boyfriends grandma gave better gifts to her children and their spouses. Why would you, the grandsons girlfriend expect the same level of present? I think a token present is fine. If you get the impression that she dosent like you then stop visiting her.

Birdsgottafly · 26/12/2018 21:45

There is no excuse, or reason for giving someone a keyring with the wrong initial on it, or used soap.

She is passively aggressively telling you what she thinks of you and your DP should have pulled her by now.

You are her scapegoat, for whatever reason, but you don't have to continue to allow her to treat you like this. Vote with your feet.

What does your DP say about it?

Birdsgottafly · 26/12/2018 21:47

" I think a token present is fine"

Yes it is, but the OP hasn't even got that, she has been given insulting gifts, deliberately.

turnipsaretheonlyveg · 26/12/2018 21:53

Another poster who thinks the main issue is probably that you aren't married, so that you aren't formally part of the family.
She may also think you should have got married before having dc.

Brickswithstones · 26/12/2018 21:53

For the posters calling the OP grabby and saying a token gift is fine, have you rtft and seen that OP was given a gift of used soap?
What is token about that?

Ethel36 · 26/12/2018 21:56

Surely you share your boyfriend's £100? Your children got £50 each. So that's a total of £200. I think that's nice. Think the cake was just a token for you to open as your boyfriend opened the card with money in it.

ButteryParsnips · 26/12/2018 21:56

Lots of posters saying 'it's because you're not married'as if that makes it all right. I have relatives in their 90s who believe couples should get married before having children, but they would never be so rude about it as to give 'punishment' presents to make the point, because they're nice people.

poglets · 26/12/2018 22:00

She's a horrid old woman. Laugh it off. She's nothing to you. Make that clear to her by not giving a shiny shit. She will hate it.

isseywithcats · 26/12/2018 22:01

sorry but i give my actual grandchildren money for christmas and the two oldest who are old enough to have girlfriend and boyfriend in their case i wouldnt give their partners the same as them as they are not married

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2018 22:03

So many excuses for nasty behaviour, op was the only one that got the 'token' present. It wou,d be fine, if the Uncles new wife got tge same, but she did not, that is the problem! That money she gave to dp us his money, not family money Hmm. Next year Poundshop chocolates, or yiur then dh sort her gift out!

nocoolnamesleft · 26/12/2018 22:04

How old is she? I suspect she is distinguishing between a daughter in law and a grandchild's girlfriend...

BrendasUmbrella · 26/12/2018 22:05

Every adult in the room got cash and you got a cake. That's bullshit. What was the response from the other people in the room - including your DP? Were they embarrassed?

Next Christmas keep your £30 and let your DH buy the presents for his side of the family, you buy for yours. It sounds like he has a big family anyway, does this present splitting work out fairly for you?