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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel so angry over a Xmas present

317 replies

Allegf · 26/12/2018 20:16

Ok bear with me it could get long

My GrandMIL has always been cold with me. We visit her regularly and I always make polite conversations with her. Over the last year things have got worse with the way she is towards me.For some reason anything I do is wrong.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have 2 kids and are getting married next summer. My DPs uncle recently got married and had a baby. His new wife and him were only together around 6 months before marriage but she has only been in the picture for around 3 years - relevant

Anyways this brings me to Christmas. Every year my DP small family (12 people) exchange a gift for everyone. I always get a joint gift with my DP from both of us spending around £30 on each person with a thoughtful gift. Over the past 3 years from my GMIL I have recived a keyring with the wrong initial, used hand soap and this year a bloody fruit cake?!
GMIL is not short of money. She actually previous has gloated about this so that isn’t the issue, my DP, BIL, FIL and my DP uncles always get generous gifts or money.
This year as I open my fruit cake and stare down in disbelief I look up to see my DPs uncles new wife hugging my GMIL thanking her for the generous gift clutching a handful of cash. The response was ‘I know, the men always get everything from me on Xmas I thought it was time I spoilt the ladies too so I got you and (MIL) a little treat

I didn’t know how to react so walked out the room and into the toilet where I actually welled up. It not the money. I wouldn’t care if it was a voucher for £5. Its the fact I was never considered.

AIBU or do I need to just shove fruitcake in my face and shut up!

OP posts:
Nothininmenoggin · 26/12/2018 20:31

Omg vile woman. Would not ever want to be in her company again. Flowers for you.

sonlypuppyfat · 26/12/2018 20:31

Spare yourself the stress of being with this awful woman. My MIL was exactly the same with me , I gave her a birthday gift once and I stood next to her while she was trying to give it to someone else!

FloatingthroughSpace · 26/12/2018 20:31

Aren't you a generation further down, though?
Surely MIL and uncle's wife are either her child or child's spouse, whereas you are grandchild's spouse? I do think for traditionalists that makes a difference in the "order of relatedness"

When my kids get married I expect I will perceive their spouses as "closer" than when my grandchildren have partners, especially if they aren't married.

I think she could have been gentler but I would chalk this up to a generation gap.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 26/12/2018 20:31

Tbh I'd give her an enthusiastic thank you, like it was the best gift anyone had received. If she is deliberately being a cow it takes the wind out of their sails, plus if other family members have noticed she's a cowbag, you then have the high ground with them.

Suzysuzuki · 26/12/2018 20:31

Fruitcake keeps for ages - give it back to her next Christmas!

Amazonian27 · 26/12/2018 20:32

Give her the fruitcake next year

PixiKitKat · 26/12/2018 20:33

Send her a card in the new year thanking her for the cake and fill it full of glitter Grin

Willow2017 · 26/12/2018 20:33

Tbh you’re lucky to get anything in my opinion.

Just remember next time someone gives you used soap fucking used soap!! as a xmas present be fucking grateful for it!

bringbacksideburns · 26/12/2018 20:36

...and when she did that and you walked out of the room upset your partner did/ said ...??

You don't have to do anything. Your partner should be asking his mother what the problem is if he can't address his GM directly. Personally I think he should ask her straight out what the issue is because she was incredibly rude and treated you differently to everyone else in that room.

Can't believe no one else felt uncomfortable tbh!

And stop visiting her. She's not your relative and she's horrible to you! Why are you bothering? Your partner can go on his own!

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 26/12/2018 20:36

It's because you aren't married, pretty obvious I'd have thought

My grandmil, as you called her, was the same as soon as we got married we became part of the family so got the same as everyone else, but it wasn't done blatantly in front of others and before marriage we still got nice presents just didn't have a fat cheque with them.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2018 20:36

Nasty piece of work, I would have piped up, and I certainly would, 'What about me then, was I forgotten as usual". I would stop visiting her, and spending any time with her. At Christmas give her something from the Poundshop, treat her how she treats you.

adaline · 26/12/2018 20:36

Do you think it's because you're not married?

I was going to ask this as well. Not that her behaviour is even slightly acceptable but it could be that she was raised to believe having children out of wedlock to be wrong.

It would explain why she likes the wife of a few months and not you?

BikeRunSki · 26/12/2018 20:38

You are nit married and you are a generation younger than your MIL/uncle’s wife. You are barely on her radar. Sorry. DH’s GM was similar to me. I think yiou’ll find her attitude changes dramatically if you get married. Old fashioned attitude, but true.

missymillsysmum · 26/12/2018 20:40

As difficult as it is sometimes, try not to be offended but maybe see it as a competition each year as to who can get the oddest present? you could get her one of those knitted loo roll covers next year or some gawdy tea towels :)

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2018 20:40

Still not a nice way to treat op, everyone else getting something nice and her a blooming fruitcake. It could be because you are not married, so next Christmas I would expect something much better, along the lines of what the others have got then!

Ilikeknitting · 26/12/2018 20:40

this is horrible op, I feel so bad for you. If I was in your shoes I’d start by chatting with dp, tell him exactly how you feel and decide whether you want to invite her to your wedding.
I do get the feeling (for no real reason other than how she is with your sil) that she doesn’t consider you to be family as you’re not married.

Try not to let her get to you, at least you have the moral high ground, I’m afraid I’d have fell out with her a long while before yesterday.

Seriously consider not inviting her to your wedding and when she acts disappointed, tell her you both agreed close family and friends only, thus tell her exactly what she means to you.

Purpleartichoke · 26/12/2018 20:41

You are the girlfriend of a grandchild. A token gift isn’t exactly rude. It’s also not very loving given the amount of time you have had that status. It would not be unreasonable for you to back out of future celebrations since GMIL is keeping her emotional distance and as the girlfriend of a grandchild you have no obligation to be there.

Whathappensnext2018 · 26/12/2018 20:41

Mil did something similar. I’ve been with dh 8years married 4. Sils fiancé has been on the scene about 5 years, he got a niva set and a joint booking for a weekend away somewhere nice.I got two toiletries sets a gift you can someone when you can’t be arsed to get something nice. I was clearly an after thought. It made it clear where I was in the picking order for sure. What pissed me off the most was I got her a lovely £30 Yankee candle gift set and a calendar with all the photos of all the grandchildren and a gift from dd. I told dh to sort out all future gifts for mil and I won’t be making an effort for Christmas and birthdays. It definitely put a damper on the day and I couldn’t wait to leave. We have decided we are going to do our own Christmas Day now.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2018 20:42

Until we hear what the other

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2018 20:42

I would not be visiting somebody who was cold towards me, regularly, that would have stopped ages ago!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2018 20:43

Sorry...

Until we hear what the partners of other grandchildren got as presents we can’t possibly comment.

Findingdotty · 26/12/2018 20:45

I would say she has an issue with you and DP not being married and this is her way of saying it.

Silkei · 26/12/2018 20:47

You’re a generation further down. It sounds like she gave her children’s spouses a bigger gift and her grandchildren’s spouses a smaller gift? Which is perfectly fine. Presumably she decided to treat your MIL and for fairness had to give her other son’s wife the same, even though she hasn’t been around very long. And presumably all the other grandchildren's spouses got the same type of gift as you did?

iseecabbages · 26/12/2018 20:48

The woman getting the cash gift was her daughter in law, you are her grandsons girlfriend.
How close to her are you, do you just visit at Christmas time?
The used gifts are pretty crappy, but it looks like you are just getting a token gift from her, so I would return the sentiment next time round.

Silkei · 26/12/2018 20:48

Until we hear what the partners of other grandchildren got as presents we can’t possibly comment

This.