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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel so angry over a Xmas present

317 replies

Allegf · 26/12/2018 20:16

Ok bear with me it could get long

My GrandMIL has always been cold with me. We visit her regularly and I always make polite conversations with her. Over the last year things have got worse with the way she is towards me.For some reason anything I do is wrong.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have 2 kids and are getting married next summer. My DPs uncle recently got married and had a baby. His new wife and him were only together around 6 months before marriage but she has only been in the picture for around 3 years - relevant

Anyways this brings me to Christmas. Every year my DP small family (12 people) exchange a gift for everyone. I always get a joint gift with my DP from both of us spending around £30 on each person with a thoughtful gift. Over the past 3 years from my GMIL I have recived a keyring with the wrong initial, used hand soap and this year a bloody fruit cake?!
GMIL is not short of money. She actually previous has gloated about this so that isn’t the issue, my DP, BIL, FIL and my DP uncles always get generous gifts or money.
This year as I open my fruit cake and stare down in disbelief I look up to see my DPs uncles new wife hugging my GMIL thanking her for the generous gift clutching a handful of cash. The response was ‘I know, the men always get everything from me on Xmas I thought it was time I spoilt the ladies too so I got you and (MIL) a little treat

I didn’t know how to react so walked out the room and into the toilet where I actually welled up. It not the money. I wouldn’t care if it was a voucher for £5. Its the fact I was never considered.

AIBU or do I need to just shove fruitcake in my face and shut up!

OP posts:
SayNoToCarrots · 28/12/2018 13:42

Why are people making this a sexism issue (gives generous presents to the men) when those men are actually the ones related to GM. And anyway, she was generous to her daughters in law. They're women. I think it's nasty that she got you used and shit gifts, but tbh she doesn't really need to get you anything.

C8H10N4O2 · 28/12/2018 14:02

Of course she gives more generous presents to her own sons rather than her grandchild’s partner

That isn't the issue. Read the OP.

Personally I treat DC partners the same as DC for annual presents. As my parents and iLs both did. I would consider it poor manners to do differently for such occasions.

Their family gets £200

No, the DP and DC get £200 between them this year. The OP received no monetary gifts, just an unusable key ring, half used soap and a fruit cake across three years.

I guess I’m just less grabby than most people on here. I wouldn’t expect a thing from my husband’s gran

No you are apparently unable to comprehend that its possible to give someone a low cost present without deliberately snubbing them.

Its not "grabby" to find it hurtful to be deliberately snubbed in front of your partner's whole family (or did you also miss the bit about the communal gifting session, so everyone sees each other's gifts?)

Someone who does this over time is not likely to change, hence I'd minimise the time spent on them and let the DP manage the relationship between her and the children.

Yulebealrite · 28/12/2018 14:08

I can't believe posters are trying to come up with excuses to defend the grandmil. There is no excuse for such a blatant snub.

Have as little to do with her as you can. Be polite and cilvil for your partners sake but avoid her as much as you can.

Delatron · 28/12/2018 14:12

You can’t have read the post C8H10 it’s not her son’s partner it’s her grandson’s partner.

I stand by the fact I wouldn’t expect a thing from my husband’s gran! His mother yes.
You honestly think her husband just pockets the £100 for himself? I would be so pleased she was generous to my children. Wow £50 each for great grandchildren! I guess we are looking at it from different angles. Yes the presents she got OP are shit but she’s not related. I’d just tell her to stop buying me anything as she is more than generous to my family.

SaynotoCarrots has summed it up perfectly.

FBEH · 28/12/2018 14:12

Not defending her as it’s pretty shitty behaviour from her BUT as a grand mil I presume she’s an older lady? Maybe it’s a generational thing and that you aren’t married yet? It’ll be interesting to see if it changes next year

C8H10N4O2 · 28/12/2018 14:16

You can’t have read the post C8H10 it’s not her son’s partner it’s her grandson’s partner.

Yes I read the post. I haven't said it is her son at any point. Nor is it about the OP wanting the same (although I think its poor form to discriminate for Xmas/Birthdays when they are not only long term partners but the parents of my GDC/GGDC).

Its about being deliberately snubbed in front of his family three times now by being given actual rubbish. Maybe you think giving rubbish to one person at the family present opening session is just fine, I don't.

Bunnyfuller · 28/12/2018 14:50

Regift the fruit cake next year. Yes, even if it’s out of date.

Deadpoet · 28/12/2018 15:00

She’s old fashioned and you’re not married.
You shouldn’t shove the fruitcake in your face, you should be shoving it in hers. You should also get her a keyring next year or, if you still have one she’s given you, give her that one with a massive smile. What an absolute cow she is.

Hector2000 · 28/12/2018 15:35

How old is she? Could be dementia. My mother’s manipulative character was accentuated in the early phases of her dementia. Once I realised, it stopped upsetting me so much

dadshere · 28/12/2018 15:54

Get some brochures for care homes and ask her which one she fancies. Also, get her a gift certificate for a headstone for her birthday, tell her you can't wait to help her choose it :)

PeroniZuchini · 28/12/2018 17:11

Oh lovely. The casual ageism continues 🙄

BrylcreamBeret · 28/12/2018 17:20

I'm guffawing at this 'levels of relativity' nonsense. My husbands Nan has treated me like her flesh and blood from day one, DAY ONE! Every Christmas, birthday, Easter she includes me in thoughtful gifts/money and buys me random gifts through the year. She's an extraordinarily lovely lady, she has zero obligation to me. You got stuck with a mean grinchy type op, regift her the bloody fruitcake and ask your partner to ask her what the problem is.

Phlippant · 28/12/2018 18:15

Count yourself lucky, our DC are lucky if they get a tenner spent on them by their wealthy GP's...the other grandchildren however get heaven and earth moved for them and spoilt rotten... Its nauseating.

Bluelady · 28/12/2018 19:11

It's highly unlikely that a grandson's girlfriend would be involved in care home decisions.

Satsumaeater · 28/12/2018 19:39

It's highly unlikely that a grandson's girlfriend would be involved in care home decisions

A few months ago there was a thread where a lady was more or less completely responsible for her grandmother's care as her aunts didn't care. It's entirely possible that in a similar situation the person's partner would have involvement.

That aside, I think the OP is entitled to feel bemused and upset. If you see someone for Christmas (planned) you get them a gift. Is it that hard to eg get a box of chocolates or a bottle of wine rather than rubbishy soap? I do like fruit cake, but my SIL makes it herself as a present.

Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2018 19:47

Spend the £200 you received as a family on something nice... way too grabby.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 28/12/2018 21:41

I think some people need to brush up on their reading skills. To actually think a used gift is acceptable is beyond me. Something new that cost a pound is so much better. The fruitcake is an insult because of the gifts that came before it.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 28/12/2018 21:46

Spend the £200 you received as a family on something nice... way too grabby.

I don’t agree with this. The children should spend their money how they choose. As should her husband but it would be nice if he used it to treat the two of them.

manicmij · 29/12/2018 00:29

Wouldn't give her the time of day ever again. If there are any utterings passed to you just tell whoever that you have had enough of being humiliated in front of other family members and will not be attending another Christmas gathering. Or any other event if GMIL is to be in attendance.

Jeanneweany · 29/12/2018 02:57

Give the bag nothing next year. In the meantime try asking her "what her fucking problemis". or you could say in front of everyone What the hell is this? Get her a pressie like cheap scent. etc lily of the valley.

SuperVeggie · 29/12/2018 03:07

I’ve not RTFT but just wanted to say I am now completely craving fruit cake and NEED some even though it’s 3am

misses point of thread entirely but hoping I’m forgiven as 36 weeks PG and currently nil by mouth for section

QuackPorridgeBacon · 29/12/2018 14:28

SuperVeggie Nil by mouth with cravings. I don’t evnvy you. I would send a text to someone to arrange a buffet of treats for your return home.

SuperVeggie · 29/12/2018 16:23

@QuackPorridgeBacon don’t worry I’ve already lined up a full complement of non-pregnancy friendly cheeses and a nice glass of red for when I get home!

Sweetieepea · 29/12/2018 16:52

@SuperVeggie Ha ha I hadn’t thought about it until you posted, but I have cut the Christmas cake and had 2 slices while reading this thread!!
I feel for the OP. As she has pointed out, it isn’t about the money, but the fact that her GMIL (to be) has deliberately given her a crappy present yet again. I don’t think she would have been bothered if dp’s present had been addressed to them both, but no, this nasty old woman has deliberately chosen to be spiteful, by leaving her out for the 3rd year running!!
Op, is she invited to your wedding? I would be tempted to mae sure she is placed where she deserves, at the back!
Having said that I never received b’day or Christmas presents from one gf and sgm and never received anything other than socks or underwear from other gm!

SingaporeSlinky · 29/12/2018 17:56

YABU, you’re expecting way too much from someone you “always make polite conversation with”. You as a family gave her a £30 gift, she gave you as a family £200 cash and a token cake. Yes the previous presents were awful, but just write those off and bin them. Sorry but you’re just her grandson’s partner, you’re expecting way too much. I don’t think she should be expected to treat you the same as her own daughter and DIL, so her making a big deal of treating the ladies isn’t necessarily a dig at you, she’s just treating her immediate family.

Yes she probably should have written both your names on the cash envelope, but she’s been extremely generous to your family. To call her names and expect your DP to say something is awful.

My DH’s GM buys presents for our DC and we get a tin of chocs for us and that’s fine. She’s still spending more overall. PPs saying you should throw cake in her face or tread it into her carpet are just unbelievable.