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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't marry. Is it me or is it him?

190 replies

Teeandee · 26/12/2018 16:12

DP and i have been together a few years, one child and a second on the way.

We'd spoken about marriage after being together for about 12 months and we were getting serious. I was lead to believe it was on the cards and was something he wanted too, so I had no concerns about starting a family about a year later. He's a good provider, supportive and a good father.

He's been engaged twice before but never made it up the isle. His first engagement was in his very early twenties but she left him for somebody else.

His second engagement was to an ex he was with for six years and has a child to, who he later told me he'd only proposed to because her family were putting on the pressure to "make an honest woman out of her" so he did it to make her and them happy. They eventually broke up but he continues to pay child maintenance and sees his DD regularly so he hasn't been evading his responsibilities.

He's not a serial romancer and has only had three significant relationships in his adult life, the two I've mentioned then me.

With our DC2 on the way I began to press the subject of marriage and he now tells me he really doesn't want to get married, never has, and that it's not "me" he doesn't want to marry, it's anybody.

This is when he tells me about his heart not being in it when he proposed to his ex, and says he doesn't think he'd have gone through with a wedding because it's not something he ever wanted, but felt pushed into by her and her parents.

I'm understandably upset because I was lead to believe it was something he wanted, only to be told it's definitely not.

What's going on here, is it me or is it him? Is he spinning me a line about not wanting to marry 'anyone'

FTR I'm not remotely concerned about being left in the lurch with DC and no support, house is in my name and I have my own money. I can see he's somebody who provides for his DC regardless of whether he's with the mum. It was about love for me and not money Xmas Sad

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2018 16:16

He’s been honest now and you know he’s never going to marry you, it’s no one’s fault. When he seemed to be considering it a year in he was stringing you along, the same as he did his ex. Not helpful, but the time to seal the deal was then, before you started a family.

How do you feel about never being married?

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/12/2018 16:17

Unfair and deceitful of him.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

FestiveNut · 26/12/2018 16:19

Give your second dc your surname. Hope you did for your first.

snoutandab0ut · 26/12/2018 16:19

He should have been honest from the off about never wanting to get married, so it does sound like he’s spun you a yarn to some degree. However, I am him in this situation. I don’t ever want to marry. It’s not a legal contract I want to enter into with anyone, no matter how much I loved them. I don’t think it means he loves you less. But I would make my feelings clear on that from the beginning - he shouldn’t have strung you along

HopeHopity · 26/12/2018 16:21

Well he really should have been honest before DCs and at the beginning.
On the other hand, of marriage was such a deal breaker for him you should have said so.

I told my now DH that I wanted children and I wanted to be married before children. So if he didnt want any of those things fine but I would move on. We are now married (first) with DC.

So at this point you either accept that marriage is not on the cards or move on OP Sad

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/12/2018 16:22

I can relate to your dp
But I have never strung anyone along.

I have been quite open I will never marry. Don't know the reason why. I think if dp had insisted on marriage I think I would have run for the hills.

Original poster
Teeandee · 26/12/2018 16:23

I feel as though it may be a deal breaker for me in the long run, I was always upfront about it being something I wanted so he did know.

The last time I brought it up we had an emotional discussion where he said he felt terrible for 'crushing my dreams' but didn't want to continue giving me false hope. He says he doesn't doubt the longevity of our relationship or us being a family, but for a multitude of reasons he doesn't 'believe' in marriage and is happy as we are.

Had there not been previous engagements and had he not mislead me to believe he was interested in marriage I could have taken him at face value and decided wether or not to proceed, but two DC down the line I can't help but feel duped.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teeandee · 26/12/2018 16:25

Our first has my surname and the second will too.

OP posts:
ISdads · 26/12/2018 16:26

Always work full time, or make him contribute to your pension if you go part time

Get life insurance out on him in case he dies

Maybe ask what his will says

Otherwise, stay single. It saves money in the end if you split up.

ElektraLOL · 26/12/2018 16:28

The thing about being married is that you have rights that you otherwise wouldn't have if your partner dies. Why would he want to deprive you of security? He's selfish imo

FestiveNut · 26/12/2018 16:28

Great foresight on your part, OP, by giving dc your surname. I would probably feel quite hurt that do is not willing to put you first on this. What does he have to lose?

Original poster
Teeandee · 26/12/2018 16:36

I approached it from both angles, love and financial.

He said we don't need a piece of paper to prove his love for me and he's legally financially responsible for the DC regardless of marriage.

I can't get a pin pointed reason for why he doesn't want to marry, he doesn't have millions in the bank that he's trying to protect and he's not one for shirking responsibility or being stingy anyway.

He give a few reasons:

Doesn't believe in marriage. Thinks it would change things because it did for his DM and DF. Has seen too many people divorce to believe it adds anything to the relationship. Doesn't conform to the need to have a piece of paper to show he's commited.

I'm only human though and can't help but think it's about keeping his options open, I mean the last two at least got the engagement (although yes fruitless)

I can't help but feel it's about doubts with me, and not marriage.

OP posts:
ISdads · 26/12/2018 16:40

So, do you work full time?

Smallhorse · 26/12/2018 16:42

I agree with him

Singlenotsingle · 26/12/2018 16:44

What about a civil partnership?

TBH I've been married three times and it's not all it's cracked up to be!

goose1964 · 26/12/2018 16:49

If he won't marry you he needs to make a will giving you the same rights as event of his Death and you need to do it too

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 26/12/2018 16:50

I don't think there's any value in you analysing why he doesn't want to marry you; or why he did propose before to other people. He seems sure in his view now that he does not want to marry.

So your choice is to stay; and find a way to be comfortable with not marrying, or leave and start again. Those options aren't going to be easy but it's all you have. You can't realistically change his mind.

If it was me; I'd accept what he's said, but I'd feel deceived that he'd held it from me for so long and let me believe we were on the same page when we weren't. I'd leave. But I have no children, and much as I love my partner, I'd feel less of him if he's lied to me and strung me along for his own benefit. I don't see a way back from that.

All the best in making this decision. It is not going to be an easy or a comfortable one Thanks

OliviaStabler · 26/12/2018 16:54

I don't like the fact he wasn't honest from the beginning.

He said we don't need a piece of paper to prove his love for me

Hmm Usual excuse

and he's legally financially responsible for the DC regardless of marriage.

Yes but not responsible for you, the mother of his child.

He's all about the money.

JRulez7lek · 26/12/2018 16:56

First, you need to ask yourself, why is marriage important to you. Of course it has the legal side of things, and you'd be prioritized in certain areas as a married couple. But other than that, why is marriage important to you?

Secondly, since he wasn't upfront about it with you, and it is important to you that he did, did you manage to convey your thoughts about how misleading he was? (Reading your replies, it seems that you already did bring it up, but I'm not sure)

Thirdly, why do you feel that it is about him keeping his options open? Will marriage make you feel more secure in the relationship? I don't think marriage is going to be a barrier if someone is keeping their options open, look at the divorce rates!

I hope you find the answers within yourself and also in him.

meditrina · 26/12/2018 17:02

'He said we don't need a piece of paper to prove his love for me and he's legally financially responsible for the DC regardless of marriage.'

You're not after proof of love, though, are you? Younwant to be married, which is a perfectly valid wish, and he doesn't get to limit it to this proving stuff,

And what he doesn't say is what matters here - he'd havto maintains his DC, but not a word about you. So don't give up your earning power, or become vulnerably dependent on him for housing etc, andremember that it can be the worst mistake you make to fail to provide for an adequate income in old age. Because pensions nominations and wills can be changed (literally) withba few strokes of a pen.

OlennasWimple · 26/12/2018 17:02

Is being married a deal breaker for you? Do you want to be in a relationship with your DC's father, or would you prefer to go it alone / keep looking for someone to marry?

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 26/12/2018 17:12

Yanbu

It's not the fact he doesn't want to marry that's the issue for me, that's fair enough. The problem is that he led you on. That's really unfair.

At least now he's been honest, but if I felt strongly I wanted to be married (which in your situation is completely reasonable) it would be a deal breaker for me.

If he's hospitalised (God forbid) you won't be able to get much if any information as you won't be next of kin.
If he dies (again God forbid) you and by default your children won't automatically inherit from him.
Not sure where he stands re the children - I imagine he's on their birth certificates? But if not he'd have to go to court to get parental rights.

I wouldn't be happy with the other parent of my child being vulnerable to any of the above.
Whatever you do, don't accept second best.

SirVixofVixHall · 26/12/2018 17:13

The “just a piece of paper” thing has never washed with me. If that is true, then why wouldnt you get married if it made your partner happier and ensured that she had greater rights if you were to die ?
He clearly does not think it is just a piece of paper.
Friends of mine who haven't wanted to marry have often either come from divorced parents, unhappy marriages, or have parents who would turn a wedding into a massive drama and have wanted to avoid that. My most marriage shy friend has just married after thirty years with her dp though ! Some people do just happily stay together unmarried but there is no question that marriage gives you greater rights and that being unmarried often has a negative impact on women in particular, in the event of relationship breakdown or death.
I do think he really owes you a proper explanation. He also needs to think of you in all this, and to explain why his feelings against marrying you are so strong, when you are about to have a second baby together.

missyB1 · 26/12/2018 17:25

Why in 2018 is this problem still persisting? Why oh why are women still falling for it?! OP he strung you along and happily allowed you to make yourself more vulnerable by having his kids.
So your options now;

  1. Suck it up and do nothing (sod that!)
  2. Insist on a trip to solicitor to make a will.
  3. Leave him and go it alone.

Oh and wtf does “not believing” in marriage mean anyway? Marriage exists we all know it does!! Confused

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 26/12/2018 17:26

Agree with SirVix...

Also, in the case of family drama it's entirely possible to get married quietly and cheaply in a register office with a few friends as witnesses, for example. No one necessarily needs to know? It's possible and easy to do, so he really does need to give you a VERY solid reason why not.