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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't marry. Is it me or is it him?

190 replies

Teeandee · 26/12/2018 16:12

DP and i have been together a few years, one child and a second on the way.

We'd spoken about marriage after being together for about 12 months and we were getting serious. I was lead to believe it was on the cards and was something he wanted too, so I had no concerns about starting a family about a year later. He's a good provider, supportive and a good father.

He's been engaged twice before but never made it up the isle. His first engagement was in his very early twenties but she left him for somebody else.

His second engagement was to an ex he was with for six years and has a child to, who he later told me he'd only proposed to because her family were putting on the pressure to "make an honest woman out of her" so he did it to make her and them happy. They eventually broke up but he continues to pay child maintenance and sees his DD regularly so he hasn't been evading his responsibilities.

He's not a serial romancer and has only had three significant relationships in his adult life, the two I've mentioned then me.

With our DC2 on the way I began to press the subject of marriage and he now tells me he really doesn't want to get married, never has, and that it's not "me" he doesn't want to marry, it's anybody.

This is when he tells me about his heart not being in it when he proposed to his ex, and says he doesn't think he'd have gone through with a wedding because it's not something he ever wanted, but felt pushed into by her and her parents.

I'm understandably upset because I was lead to believe it was something he wanted, only to be told it's definitely not.

What's going on here, is it me or is it him? Is he spinning me a line about not wanting to marry 'anyone'

FTR I'm not remotely concerned about being left in the lurch with DC and no support, house is in my name and I have my own money. I can see he's somebody who provides for his DC regardless of whether he's with the mum. It was about love for me and not money Xmas Sad

OP posts:
ImNotKitten · 26/12/2018 17:26

He has been completely unfair to string you along and only reveal his true feelings two children later.

Well done on keeping your financial independence and giving the DC your surname. This will put you in good stead if it turns out his lack of commitment is based on keeping his options open.

kenandbarbie · 26/12/2018 17:27

Why can't second child have your surname. I would insist on that.

Jimdandy · 26/12/2018 17:30

Everyday I read a thread like this on Mumsnet.

For gods sake of marriage is so important to you women stop laying on your back and giving these men kids and their surname beforehand!

They’ve already got everything they want with no commitment and no obligation on them why would they marry you, you’ve lost the “bargaining chip” so to speak.

YoungLennyGodber · 26/12/2018 17:31

Is being married a deal breaker for you? Do you want to be in a relationship with your DC's father, or would you prefer to go it alone / keep looking for someone to marry?

Looking for someone to marry? Confused

If being married was that important, the OP should have done it before having kids. She can’t punish them now by leaving their father to find someone else to marry, just because she wants to be married?!

YoungLennyGodber · 26/12/2018 17:32

Agreed @Jimdandy

Augusta2012 · 26/12/2018 17:37

Oh this is rotten OP. I’m sorry to be brutal, but I think when he talked about marriage earlier in your relationship he was sincere. I think the lie here is that he’s saying he doesn’t doubt the longevity of your relationship. He does sound a serial monogamist rather than a womaniser, the sort of person who bores quickly when the first flush of a relationship dies down.

In situations like this the person stalling is almost always doing it with one eye on leaving the relationship with their assets intact. If he really loved you and your kids he’d want to give you the protection marriage provides.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum, it’s either marriage or split and that’s how important it is to you. If he agrees, great. But if he refuses (and I think he will) you have the benefit of walking away young enough to start again, either relationship wise or career wise or whatever you want to do.

That is a much, much more preferable scenario than being an empty nester in your 40s who has sacrificed her earning power to support her family and has no assets suddenly finding out they’ve been dumped for a 20yo and have no legal rights.

If he’s looking for a way out and takes it, at least you’re not wasting your life on someone who’s not committed to you.

Augusta2012 · 26/12/2018 17:38

If being married was that important, the OP should have done it before having kids. She can’t punish them now by leaving their father to find someone else to marry, just because she wants to be married?!

Maybe that poster put it badly, but yes, it would be fine for the OP to want to seek out a relationship where she felt her partner was truly committed. And it’s not this one.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/12/2018 17:39

If he's hospitalised (God forbid) you won't be able to get much if any information as you won't be next of kin

Rubbish.

I am down as NOK and know everything about dps illness.

I have never been excluded and have been called mid operation for updates on how it was going.

YoungLennyGodber · 26/12/2018 17:40

And how is that better for the children, @Augusta2012?

snoutandab0ut · 26/12/2018 17:43

Totally disagree that not wanting to marry shows a lack of commitment. I don’t want to marry purely for financial reasons - don’t want to merge assets, and ideologically believe no one should be responsible for my financial well-being, as an adult, other than me, and vice-versa. Doesn’t mean I’d be emotionally less committed or would refuse to provide financial support in the case of a serious illness or supporting kids etc. The problem here is him not being upfront from the start. I can understand why you feel betrayed but I don’t think it means he’s any less sure if the relationship - he is, however, spineless for not being honest about this from the start. My parents are happily married for 45+ years, by the way. It’s just not for me

Original poster
Teeandee · 26/12/2018 17:45

His parents had a big shebang wedding late in their relationship which his DM paid for by using a considerable sum of money my DP had been left by a late relative and she never gave him any of the money back. He was a teenager at the time and she was 'looking after' his money.

That left a bitter taste and the wedding was a disaster. Both parents then cheated on one another and they divorced. His DM went on to get married again twice, both subsequently marriages ending in divorce within a few years.

He claims to remember his parents relationship going quickly downhill after they married, but being fine before that.

I don't have any of these experiences so don't associate marriage to bad memories but he does and says them experiences drive him to be very anti marriage, cemented by his own beliefs that he's developed over the years.

His father is now with a woman who he's been with for fifteen years and credits their relationship lasting on the fact they never felt the need to get married, apparently.

I'm secure enough in my finances and home to not 'need' to rely on him, but as I said it wasn't about security in the first place for me, not really.

I only ever saw myself having a family to somebody I'd be married to and had he not reassured me in advance that we were on the same page about marriage I'd have waited before having children.

I know people say not to have DC before marriage if you have any sense but I had no doubts about him as a life partner and father, reiterated by the fact he said he would like to get married.

OP posts:
measureformeasure · 26/12/2018 17:48

Sorry that you’re in this situation OP. I think your DP has made his position quite clear and he’s not likely to change his mind. Yes, you could give him an ultimatum but if he decides to marry you because of that I fear that would do more damage to the relationship. You need to decide if you can accept it or move on.

If you decide to stay then your DP is dead wrong about marriage being “just a piece of paper”. You both need proper legal advice. Ideally a co-habitation agreement, Wills and Lasting Powers of Attorney. You also need tax advice regarding inheritance tax as the rules for co-habiting couples is different from married couples. Marriage solves a lot of these problems is considerably cheaper. I have advised many a co-habiting couple on these points- it’s amazing how many men decide marriage is the answer when faced with a massive tax/legal bill! Grin

FissionChips · 26/12/2018 17:49

His second engagement was to an ex he was with for six years and has a child to, who he later told me he'd only proposed to because her family were putting on the pressure to "make an honest woman out of her" so he did it to make her and them happy

He had already lied to another woman about marriage and had a child with her, why did you think you’d be any different? I bet she thought he was a perfect life partner too.

whiteroseredrose · 26/12/2018 17:50

Sorry OP. My ex always said that he wanted me but not marriage. Just a bit of paper and all that crap. We split because it was important to me.

He was married to my successor with the year. He just didn't want to marry me.

RandomMess · 26/12/2018 17:53

I think you need to tell him he has duped you, the DC wouldn't have happened if he hadn't told you that marriage was on the cards.

In a nutshell he doesn't love you enough to do something that means a lot to you when he claims it's just a piece of paper...

Sexnotgender · 26/12/2018 17:57

So he’s got a child to another woman he also wouldn’t marry? What makes you different to her?

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 26/12/2018 17:59

Jimdandy

Bollocks! If having a baby with a man before marriage means that person loses the ‘bargaining chip’ then that man is not worth marrying.

FissionChips · 26/12/2018 18:01

Bollocks! If having a baby with a man before marriage means that person loses the ‘bargaining chip’ then that man is not worth marrying

Well, you’d soon find out that he wasn’t worth marrying if you insisted on marriage before children.

missyB1 · 26/12/2018 18:03

Right he was so anti marriage after all his family experiences that he happily told you that he would be marrying you one day?? Hmm oh and he was engaged to someone else despite being so anti marriage?
Sorry he’s talking bollocks!

HeebieJeebies456 · 26/12/2018 18:07

He's never wanted to get married but the women in his life - and others - keep pestering and pressuring him to do it.
He got engaged as a result of giving in to peer and societal pressure - not because he was deliberately choosing to dupe or string people along.

Stop pestering and pressuring him to get married when he's made it clear he doesn't want to.

Thurlow · 26/12/2018 18:07

You need to have an open, honest and non accusatory conversation here if you genuinely believe he is a good guy.

Lay out the reasons why marriage is important to you and ask him to understand why you now feel so hurt that he has back tracked on this.

DP and I weren't married for 17 years. He didn't want to get married for similar ideological reasons that I understood, and I wasn't bothered (and do have some ideological issues of my own) as long as I trusted he was committed to me and it was an open discussion. However this year I decided I no longer felt quite financially and legally safe and that we should get married to protect ourselves. Despite DP being completely against marriage he understood my reasons and he agreed - in fact he booked the first appointment - and we married in the smallest, cheapest ceremony that lasted 5 minutes and had our neighbours as witnesses. I still don't think of him as my 'husband' and don't refer to him as such. But we are now protected.

Explain to him why it is important to you and try to work together as a couple to understand each other. IMO if he is a decent man then the compromise is probably a tiny legal ceremony that no one knows about - he isn't going through with a 'wedding' but you get the protection of marriage.

SassitudeandSparkle · 26/12/2018 18:11

He's had two previous engagements, neither of which ended with a wedding - that's a bit of a red flag right there, OP.

Not the first thread I've read today from an OP with children now wanting to get married.

changingusernamefornow · 26/12/2018 18:14

Looking for someone to marry?  this made me smile Grin

If I had a penny for all the times I have heard of "marriage is not for me, I don't need a piece of paper" from someone and then they split up and he gets married within the year to someone else...

Now I am NOT saying this will be you OP! Just that people say things and then change their minds.

If marriage is so important to you then you need to act on it. But to be honest, why would he now? He already has the children and the life he wants...

Original poster
Teeandee · 26/12/2018 18:15

I haven't pressured him btw.

It's been discussed twice. Once after we were together a year and we're discussing hopes for the future.

The second and final time was this year a few months ago after finding out I was pregnant with DC2.

I've never nagged or moaned or tried to persuade, or even hint. I was patiently waiting for it to happen naturally and only raised it for a second time because the relationship had progressed significantly and it hadn't been mentioned since the early days.

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 26/12/2018 18:19

*I only ever saw myself having a family to somebody I'd be married to and had he not reassured me in advance that we were on the same page about marriage I'd have waited before having children.

I know people say not to have DC before marriage if you have any sense but I had no doubts about him as a life partner and father, reiterated by the fact he said he would like to get married.*

You still went and did it, twice, so obviously marriage isn't so important to you, either, or you'd have run a mile from some guy with a kid and two engagements but no marriages behind him, that should have sent you running for the hills. You had no doubts about him as 'life partner' and 'father' and that's what is. You got exactly what you went into, kids with an unmarried partner because you didn't insist on it beforehand or leave. If it's that much of a dealbreaker, then you walk before the kids come along, double up on contraception so there's none of these failures that are so common on MN and then you wouldn't be where you are now.

He'll never marry you. Thankfully you have not compromised yourself financially for him or given your child his surname or giving your child to be his surname. That's the best you can do, I'm afraid. He's made it clear to you he doesn't want to get married.