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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adults who won't drive

452 replies

Homethroughthepuddles · 26/12/2018 11:55

I'm not talking about those who have health difficulties or can't afford a car. Just those who can't be bothered to learn, or who learn but can't be bothered to sit their test.

I'm once again spending Christmas having to do all the ferrying around and staying off the wine, while my sister, who has learnt to drive and even bought a car but has refused to sit her test, has been chauffeured around and been able to drink as much as she likes.

With my mother getting older and more reliant on lifts it's very annoying.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2018 13:01

ineedtostop that is not my problem is it! They need to stop being guilty and carry on with their lives. I book and pre book taxis to my destination, as I am not going to ask for a lift obviously. Other people's feelings are not my responsibility, they need to get over their guilt.

Cuppateeee · 26/12/2018 13:01

I think your problem is with your sister who is BU. I don’t drive but always find alternative transport and only take lifts if am offered but even then regularly say no as I prefer to walk.

Wintertea · 26/12/2018 13:01

Stop putting words in my mouth Christmas. You're the one who sounds pretty nasty, quite frankly.

5foot5 · 26/12/2018 13:01

@Spudsandspanners I was like this many years ago. I passes my test while still a student but didn't need and couldn't afford a car then. When I started work I lived walking distance from my workplace so still didn't need a car. Then I met the man who became DH and he drove. After we married he put me on the insurance but I still hardly drove.

After a few years I was so out of practice and nervous it almost was a phobia. One day our car was blocking someone in at work (we worked in the same place) DH was in a meeting and I was asked to move the car. I got behind the wheel and was in such an absolute flap I ended up giving the keys to a colleague and asking him to move it for me. I knew then that I had to do something.

I found a driving instructor and started to explain, feeling an absolute fool. But almost immediately he said "Oh yes, refresher lessons. I get asked for these all the time. Four lessons is usually all it takes."

He was right! Admittedly I was still a bit nervous and required lots of practice but I could at least drive again. I admit I still find motorways a bit stressful but I can do them and wouldn't go out of my way to avoid one if it was the obvious route.

museumum · 26/12/2018 13:01

Taxis feel expensive and indulgent but I once sat with a friend of mine and workout out how many she could take in a month to equal the expense of running a car and it’s really quite a lot!
Obviously if you already run a car a taxi is an added cost but for those who don’t it’s not unreasonable for them to pay for a taxi when it’s their “turn”.

DisrespectfulAdultFemale · 26/12/2018 13:02

It’s only a problem when it does impact on me.

That's a good point.

I don't drive because I am a terrible driver. I deliberately chose to buy a house where there is good public transport or I can walk to what I need on a day-to-day basis (supermarket, doctor, chemist, newsagent, etc).

If I can't get public transport (for example, if I need to take the cat to the vet) I take a taxi.

It would never occur to me that my choice would become another person's responsibility.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 26/12/2018 13:03

You may not like what you're hearing on here, but it's a fair bet some of your relatives sometimes think similar

Don't judge everyone by your own standards.

ScreamingBadSanta · 26/12/2018 13:03

Non drivers who say they never ask or expect a lift maybe don't realise a lot of offers of a lift are because the driver feels they should offer as otherwise the person will be getting 3 buses and a train

In that kind of scenario, the non-driver probably wouldn't have chosen a venue that's so difficult to access via public transport. I've often quietly declined invitations for that reason (obviously not giving that as the reason, to avoid being seen as hinting for a lift).

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/12/2018 13:04

Thank you @ChristmasTwattery.

Lydiaatthebarre · 26/12/2018 13:04

You sound incredibly defensive Christmas. Any particular reason?

nutellalove · 26/12/2018 13:04

YANBU. I drive but I am always painted to be unfair if I refuse people lifts. Friends pester me for lifts so much to the point that sometimes I just take public transport to avoid giving them lifts. What annoys me most is when people expect a lift, but never even offer petrol money. I have one friend who I've ferried around so much , she once ate slightly less than me at a restaurant and said she'd pay £2 less Envy

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/12/2018 13:05

That's nothing to do with them not driving though. Thus to do with them being a CF.

Say no. They arent your friemds anyway.

museumum · 26/12/2018 13:05

I think form online it’s £400/month on average down to about £160/month if you’re frugal and low insurance risk.
£160 buys a lot of cab rides / Uber’s.

Lydiaatthebarre · 26/12/2018 13:07

Piglet there is absolutely nothing wrong with someone quietly wishing that they didn't have to give a relative a lift somewhere. Your post doesn't really make sense. What 'standards'?

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 26/12/2018 13:07

I would say to all those people who feel paralysed by fear or that they just are not safe to be driving, then don't drive, you are doing the right thing staying off the roads. I think driving is something not everyone has the aptitude to do safely and if you are one of those people you are being responsible staying off the roads/motorways and I thank you.

I love driving, always have, and am usually quite happy to give lifts, but sometimes will refuse if I want to have a drink, and don't have a problem saying no.
Re your situation Op, it sounds like you don't have a lot of option but to carry on as you don't want your Mum missing out when she may not have many more Christmases, but you could sit your sister down and ask her when she is planning on taking her test and point out that if you were ever unable to drive for some reason, your Mum would need her to step up and it would be good to have two drivers in the family for your Mum to rely on.

ravenmum · 26/12/2018 13:09

I don't drive. To be honest, if I retook my test they'd probably take away my licence due to my poor sight alone, but I also dislike driving. My bf (54) also hates driving and neither of us has a car. Being with another non-driver is excellent. We arrange trips to places we can get to by public transport, at times of day when public transport is available, and know when we have to leave a party to get the last bus.

The only problem is when you get family members who insist* on holding parties etc. in far-out places and late at night with no decent transport, or where you have to walk a mile down an unlit road with no pavement or verge. TABVU.

*insist, refuse, can't be bothered. I love those DM words.

Rodenhide · 26/12/2018 13:10

What you described with your sister does sound annoying but yabu about adults not driving in general. Many can rely on public transport if they live in an urban area and, as pp said, there are too many cars on the road anyway. Driving lessons are expensive, as are cars and buying petrol. There are many reasons why not all adults drive.

WomanOfTime · 26/12/2018 13:11

I can't drive. I have anxiety, ASD, cerebral palsy and extremely poor spatial awareness. There are people with each one of these issues who can and do drive, but the combination makes it impossible for me. I'm also not going to explain to acquaintances/colleagues/distant cousins why I don't drive, because it isn't any of their business. There's no way to know what someone's reasons are.

I never ask for lifts and live in a city with very good public transport. However, a relative did give me a lift to our family Christmas dinner yesterday. They offered, I didn't ask. Nice to know that makes me a burden. Maybe I should have turned it down?

subspace · 26/12/2018 13:12

I'd be annoyed if that were my sister too. Different if she's terrified, or has been trying and failed test repeatedly, but that's not what you're saying. I'd be having a stern word about how mum's going to need more as she gets older and it's time she bucked up and got her ass into gear.

People who live in London etc I can understand not driving, your public transport network is amazing. Where I live it is not, and I think that's true of more places than not in the uk.

I have a parent who doesn't drive, they surrendered their licence rather than renewed at 70. They had always been a nervous driver and I have no problem at all driving them to anything they need. On the other hand I have dated a couple of men who just never learned, and they were a pain in the ass. One was long distance, and expected me to drive, pick him up from different train stations etc because it was cheaper for him, meanwhile I had all the running costs of a car which non-drivers often don't realise. Often when I've given non-drivers a lift they've either not offered me any petrol money at all, or an insulting pitiful amount. Other non-driving ex would whine it would be cheaper for him to get the bus - yes, it would, but the bus doesn't do what you are asking and drop you door to door or even run at a time that suits you, you want the flexibility and convenience of being in a car it's fair to share at least the cost of the darn fuel! So I no longer date non-drivers due to personal experience. I don't begrudge giving my parents a lift anywhere and wouldn't begrudge a friend who couldn't drive a lift, if it suited me and they weren't taking the P.

Pinkkittens292 · 26/12/2018 13:13

I don't drive, but I also don't drink alcohol.
Neither are through choice, but both for medical reasons. Ocular migraine which come on suddenly and effects up to 80% of my vision.

My partner drives, and I have never once asked anyone else to ferry me about.

I do find I get judged a lot for not driving (before I explain the reason why I can't).

Lydiaatthebarre · 26/12/2018 13:13

Woman the OP made it perfectly clear she wasn't talking about someone like you.

NewYorkDoll3 · 26/12/2018 13:16

I have no issue with non drivers at all, as long as they don't constantly expect lifts. Some do, some don't. I will give the odd lift to non drivers (who refuse to learn,) but won't become a free taxi for anyone.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2018 13:16

I am confident with my instructor, and know I will be fine on my own, just the test, and the fact somebody is there beside me taking notes and judging my driving makes me anxious, and the 'I am sorry to say you have failed bit" (I have failed 4 manual tests and currently learning on automatic). I am going to book my test in March, not Jan as my instructor has suggested to me, so I can build up to it and psyche myself up.

JacquesHammer · 26/12/2018 13:17

YABU

Your problem isn’t non-drivers, it’s your family taking advantage.

Be an adult and say “no”. It’s perfectly acceptable to do so.

Pinkkittens292 · 26/12/2018 13:18

I never expect a free taxi from anyone.
If I did ask for help (which would only be in an absolute emergency) I would always offer fuel money.

If I didn't suffer with my vision when having an "attack" I would love to drive.