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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adults who won't drive

452 replies

Homethroughthepuddles · 26/12/2018 11:55

I'm not talking about those who have health difficulties or can't afford a car. Just those who can't be bothered to learn, or who learn but can't be bothered to sit their test.

I'm once again spending Christmas having to do all the ferrying around and staying off the wine, while my sister, who has learnt to drive and even bought a car but has refused to sit her test, has been chauffeured around and been able to drink as much as she likes.

With my mother getting older and more reliant on lifts it's very annoying.

OP posts:
SpikyHedgehogg · 26/12/2018 12:43

I think that your situation is extreme (can drive, has a car, but not passed test). Why is that your sister gets lifts with you and your mum so much? Does she live your mum?

Wintertea · 26/12/2018 12:44

It's been well explained on this thread sweeney. Agree or don't agree with those posts, but stop doing a 'barrister' quizzing act.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/12/2018 12:44

Hear hear user

If car drivers weren't so bloody selfish, then maybe just maybe all these elderly relatives would be able to be more independent?

They wouldn't feel unsafe having to get off the bus in the middle of the road because idiots had parked in the bus layby.

They wouldn't feel the jeed to be dropped right outside Sainsbury's entrance because they were nearly knocked over in the car park by some tank driver who was on their phone.

They would be able to go out because their walker could fit on the pavements as there were no cars parked on the path..

cuppycakey · 26/12/2018 12:46

YABVU

You just say you are drinking and so everyone will have to use taxis/public transport.

If you are choosing to drive your mother then what difference does it make if your DSIS is in the car too?

I drive but have friends/family who don't for various reasons. I either drive them if I feel like it, or say I am using public transport to meet them and they do the same.

I think it only becomes a problem if you are a dreadful martyr.

toomuchtooold · 26/12/2018 12:47

Agentprovocateur

Worse that that is those who can drive, but only on local roads they know. So they won’t go on motorways or anywhere that they don’t know how to get to

Oh god, all the women in my family of my parents' generation did that stuff. No motorways, no night driving, no driving in the rain or snow, and no busy car parks or in town parking. So basically, anywhere where it would probably be more convenient and more pleasant to walk Confused

treaclesoda · 26/12/2018 12:47

I don't mind if someone chooses not to drive, just as long as they don't want me to compensate for that by being their chauffeur.

And its obviously a whole different thing if you live somewhere that has got public transport. I would absolutely love to be able to get a bus to where I want to go, but there aren't any. If I wanted to travel to work by bus I would have to leave my house at about 3pm the day before. That's the reality for a lot of people.

LoubyLou1234 · 26/12/2018 12:49

Wow so budget I don't drive for my own reasons, I don't ever ask for lifts. I would never assume people would give me a lift and can't get myself around without a car shock horror!
However people do offer, that's lovely but I'd be annoyed if they were then playing martyr behind my back. If you don't want to and people ask then say no sorry I can't! OP maybe suggest sharing taxis instead so you can have a drink?

My dad currently drives and although I won't be able to drive him around when he can't I'd help out in other ways and also offer taxi money if needed. He has done loads for me over the years.

My other half drives but to be honest most places we go we use public transport as it's easier to access our local city than try and park. Then we can have a drink without worrying about the car if we wanted, he also walks to work. Cars aren't all the be all and end all and with climate change we should all be looking to reduce our vehicle usage anyway!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/12/2018 12:50

Its not well explained at all. If my parents need me to help I help I am perfectly capable of getting to see them and doing what needs doing without being able to drive. I can assure you I am not a bloody nuisance or a bother to anybody. Your tone is bloody rude.

WatchingTheWheels85 · 26/12/2018 12:50

I don't drive, I can't even sit in the front of a car it makes me so anxious. I don't have friends or family so don't rely on other people. Dh would probably be terrified if I announced I was going to learn Grin

speakout · 26/12/2018 12:50

I agree OP.

My ex ( who had a PhD so fully functional in other ways) did not drive.

It was so fucking annoying.
Everytime we needed shopping, or errands run, or dogs taking to the vet, it fell to me.
And of course any social engagement would have me drinking mineral water while he quaffed the wine.

MsAwesomeDragon · 26/12/2018 12:52

My sister doesn't drive. My parents offered to pay for her driving lessons and buy her a car. She still, 10 years later with the offer still on the table, hasn't booked her first lesson. There's always an excuse why she can't do it right now.

She thinks she's not a bother to anyone, never asks for lifts, just walks or gets the bus, etc. BUT if any of the family want to see her and her kids we need to drive to her, that's 2 hours each way for me, costing at least £30 on petrol. She can't come here because she doesn't drive and trains are awkward (3 changes and 4 hours due to our respective locations) and expensive. For my parents it's more like 3.5 hours to get to sisters, and then they have the expense of a b&b as well. If they invite dsis to stay with them my dad needs to drive down and collect them, that's a HUGE imposition, but she just doesn't see it because she doesn't ask them to do it.

Wintertea · 26/12/2018 12:52

No Sweeney just delighted to find a thread where I can vent anonymously. I do a lot of polite smiling in real life, while wishing under my breath that various relatives would do their share of the driving or be available for lifts when my mum has a medical appointment or similar.

You may not like what you're hearing on here, but it's a fair bet some of your relatives sometimes think similar (unless obviously there's a specific reason that you don't drive).

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2018 12:54

Yabvvvu, I am learning to drive after having a year worth hypnotherapy, it is a massive accomplishment that I am now behind the wheel and learning to drive. I am taking my time with lessons, as I don't want to put added pressure on myself, and I will take my test when I am good and ready thanks. But I have to build up for it. My driving instructor says I am ready in January to take my test, but I will book it for Feb/March, as it petrifies me. I need more hypnotherapy for that. I don't need the judgement.

It is up to you as a grown adult, to grow a backbone and say no, be more assertive, and stop blaming non car drivers, or those learning but not taking their test when you deem they should. You do not know what is going on in the background of their lives.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 26/12/2018 12:54

It only annoys me when people who could, but choose not to, expect other people to chauffeur them and their kids around. E.g. a friend of a friend, 6 kids and incidentally plenty of money, who chose not to, and sat serenely at home with a glass of wine, while other parents ferried her children to and from their various activities, because, 'I don't drive.'
NB, not 'can't'.
As my chauffeuring friend said, 'She's the clever one - we're the mugs.'

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2018 12:55

Have your drinks, and just say no, I have drunk and I can't drive, sorry you will have to take a taxi, or wait for the buses to start operating.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2018 12:57

I still get taxis and buses and walk, I don't expect anyone to ferry us about, if it is too expensive to get a taxi to a destination, I don't go. I do expect dh to ferry the kids to activities as they are his children and I am his wife.

Fantata · 26/12/2018 12:57

I don't drive. I will have to soon because of a lifestyle change but that's a different story. I find when I say I'll take a taxi, I get overwhelmed by "no, don't worry I'll give you a lift" followed by fucktonnes of passive aggressive comments about not being able to have a drink because of having to drive me. I'd gladly get a taxi, would prebook it and everything but people seem to feel they have to offer lifts.

Wintertea · 26/12/2018 12:58

Well you have to get to the place to start having the drinks Aeroflot. Not much point in driving somewhere then having a drink and saying 'sorry can't drive everyone home".

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 26/12/2018 12:58

Non drivers who say they never ask or expect a lift maybe don't realise a lot of offers of a lift are because the driver feels they should offer as otherwise the person will be getting 3 buses and a train and they're sat there with a car in the drive.
Just because you don't ask doesn't mean you're not a burden.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2018 12:59

Maybe op should get a taxi like us non car drivers do, and say no I am drinking tonight or just stay at hers Wintertea.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 26/12/2018 12:59

Wintertea you’re projecting. Massively and unfairly. Who do you think you are to presume what Sweeney’s relatives think?

I didn’t drive when my mum was dying. Your snide and self satisfied implication that that means I and anyone else who doesn’t drive didn’t do our bit is not only dead wrong, it’s fucking nasty.

If you feel good about yourself after this thread, you shouldn’t. Nasty and unnecessary.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 26/12/2018 13:00

My DGF was frail and elderly and had to get taxis because he had no family nearby. Elderly people need to let their descendants have a life of their own and take some responsiblity.

Not giving a lift to DP when you are going there yourself is twatish behavour.

Do you think the same about GP looking after DGC? I mean after all the GP have lives of their own and their DC need to take some responsibility.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 26/12/2018 13:00

Just because you don't ask doesn't mean you're not a burden

Oh get off the cross we need the wood.

Jesus wept the martyrs on this thread would piss me off if it wasn’t so laughable.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/12/2018 13:00

No specific reason @Wintertea and no my relatives wont moan about me because I do my fair share. I am more than happy to take elderly relatives ti appointments albeit by cab. Tonight we are going to a big family party and guess what I have booked a cab both ways and prepared some food which is now in spill proof containers so can go in back of cab. We are a take it turns do your share type of family. I suspect people who arent happy to do their share wouldn't do it even if they could drive.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/12/2018 13:00

So everyone should drive because other wise some one else makes the projection that we woukd want a lift or assume they are selfish for not doing so? Confused

Actually I like getting the bus or train. I have a phone and head phones and an.ipod and I sit at the back and enjoy the peace feom everything.