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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS’s DP was rude about her gifts?

196 replies

Madcatmolly · 25/12/2018 21:45

DS1 and his DP are spending Xmas day with her family. DS2 and his wife and DGD were eager to meet up and exchange gifts with them as they wouldn’t be seeing them today.

Yesterday evening, everyone was at our house and we had a meal, a couple of drinks and exchanged gifts.

DGD(8) was in charge of getting the presents from under the tree and handing them out. It was a lovely gentle evening, everyone was in good form except for DS1’s DP. She refused to open her presents in front of us. She said she doesn’t do ‘performance present opening ‘

Was she BU? Or AIBU to expect her to open her gifts with us. I know DS2’s DW was very disappointed too as they had put a lot of thought into selecting something for her, as did me and DH.

I’m getting tired of her churlishness. DS1 loves her so much and she makes him happy but feckin hell, she is hard work. We haven’t had a text to acknowledge the presents, I don’t expect one either.

This is just one more example of how she interacts with DH and me. AIBU?

OP posts:
AwkwardSquad · 27/12/2018 08:16

What was your son’s DP’s approach to giving gifts, OP? Did she not want ‘performance’ opening for those either?

Strongmummy · 27/12/2018 08:22

I have anxiety over many things. However, having an anxiety isn’t an excuse for being an arse! IF she has anxiety or even if she just hates opening presents infront of people the better reaction might have been “thank you so much. I’m really going to look forward to opening these on Xmas day / later / at home “.

MargueritaPink · 27/12/2018 08:32

How old is she? I found sitting in a boyfriend's family home while they opened presents one by one excruciating

The scenario described by the OP sounds excrutiating.

GoldilocksAndTheThreePears · 27/12/2018 08:42

I hate opening gifts in front of people. I'm just a terrible actor and can't seem to hide my feelings. I have awful skin, which I don't tend to broadcast, so pretty much all cosmetics/body products/perfumes will cause me issues and it's hard to hide that kind of weird sadness on opening a lovely scented handcream I can never use or whatever. I'm not frowning because I hate the gift, I'm sad because I can't use it and I want to be able to use it. It makes me very nervous. Even knowing this my family will still get me stuff, I say thanks but they see I'm not 100% enthusiastic and it all starts. It is so hard to feign enthusiasm when you are in front of people, on the spot! I bet if she had opened the gift and not been at the acceptable level of thankfulness this thread would be about that. It's like not loving a gift so much you must rush off and use it right this second is a massive insult to the gifter. People get so proud they thought of the absolute, prefect gift for someone that anything less than that is worse than a slap.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 27/12/2018 08:55

Yes, I think I've reached peak anxiety too. What does my head in is the expectation that other people are mind readers and that no explanation is needed for unusual behaviour that so obviously comes across as ill-mannered. And those of you who are difficult to buy for and send gifts straight to he charity shop - try making it easier for the people buying for you or ask for donations to charity fgs.

SonEtLumiere · 27/12/2018 08:55

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Escolar · 27/12/2018 09:07

She does sound like hard work OP. But if your son loves her and she makes him happy then that’s the important thing Xmas Smile

MargueritaPink · 27/12/2018 09:14

People get so proud they thought of the absolute, prefect gift for someone that anything less than that is worse than a slap

No they don’t

Yes they do. MN is chocablock with people who always spend time getting really, thoughtful (in their opinion) presents OP said they had put a lot of thought into selecting something for her No one ever says they just grabbed the nearest thing.

The scenario described by the OP sounds excrutiating tbh-compulsory gift- giving amongst adults (her other son's wife giving this son's girlfriend a present?)

Jimjamjong · 27/12/2018 09:27

It's only a performance if she doesn't like the present, if she likes it it is genuine liking/thanking. To me it sounds like a veiled: "I will have to fake liking your present and I don't intend to do that as I don't like you and can't be arsed". I would only get her very cheap/basic stuff after that.

mirialis · 27/12/2018 09:31

ask for donations to charity fgs

Definitely think this is excellent advice for anyone with any sort of gift anxiety. Send out a message to everyone well in advance and take the stress out of it for everyone.

SonEtLumiere · 27/12/2018 09:49

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ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 27/12/2018 09:54

I grew up with a mother who would ask me pressing questions and then get very angry if I didn't appear to be genuinely whatever. I.e. 'Do you love me?' 'Err, yes.' 'WELL YOU DON'T SOUND VERY CONVINCED' etc. It left me almost terrified of having any conversation with her in which I might have to say things I didn't actually think. Christmas presents fell into this category.

Some people find it hard (and nerve-wracking) to prepare for such situations; you're basically being set up to cause offence and make yourself miserable because your acting skills are insufficient. The fear of fucking up AGAIN does not boost said acting skills. While I think DIL was rude in her explanation, I do sympathise with her feelings.

Frogletmamma · 27/12/2018 10:02

I messed up this year. Ds got dd pencil case made out of neon tribbles. Ds not there so that was fine when I said it was hideous. Dm was there though. The next present dd opened was a neon tribbles bodywarmer from dm. Whoops

Lizzie48 · 27/12/2018 10:16

I think you simply don't like her very much and are looking for reasons to justify that.

SonEtLumiere · 27/12/2018 10:21

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YesIDidNameChangeForThis · 27/12/2018 10:29

I hate opening my presents in front of an audience, mostly because I am not very good at hiding if I hate something, though I do try. I don't think people should be forced to do it. It is a lot of pressure.

SonEtLumiere · 27/12/2018 10:38

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katekat383 · 27/12/2018 10:43

I think you are stating the obvious.

YesIDidNameChangeForThis · 27/12/2018 10:49

SonEtLumiere. It depends on what the individual finds difficult. Many who have experienced dreadful things in their life, things that others have not and never will experience, find things like this difficult. It's not for you to decide, nor to imply that they don't know what real pressure is. I do. I survived it. I hate opening presents in front of people. It's allowed.

SonEtLumiere · 27/12/2018 11:18

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redwitch5 · 27/12/2018 11:22

Hi, just curious to know the culture of the DP? In some eastern cultures it's unseemly to open a present in company as the reactions could cause a "lose of face" Was she brought up to open gifts privately? She could have worded it better though, and said thanks, did she say thank you at the time?

Lizzie48 · 27/12/2018 11:38

I didn't suggest any reason why the DS's DP might have behaved that way, we don't know, as she's not the one posting. She might be an unpleasant person, she might be anxious, we don't know. I'm saying that the OP doesn't seem to like her, which is true. She's her DS's DP, so it would be a good idea to try and get on with her, as she might be around permanently and be the mother of her DGC eventually.

SonEtLumiere · 27/12/2018 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzie48 · 27/12/2018 13:43

@SonEtLumiere

I don't know why you're focusing on me. I've simply stated the fact that the OP clearly doesn't like her DS's DP, which is clearly true. She might well be justified in feeling that way, this woman does sound very awkward to deal with. Maybe she's just obnoxious or maybe there's another side of the story, we don't know.

It's in both their interests to find a way to get on with each other, however, especially if the relationship is long-term and there are children involved eventually.

I don't have an easy relationship with my MIL, so I do understand. We're not close, but she's a lovely Grandma to my DDs so I appreciate her for that reason.

Weightsandmeasures · 27/12/2018 14:27

I don't get this anxiety issue. I am sure there are people with genuine (medically recognised) anxiety issues but one relating to opening a present?

By anxiety do people simply they prefer not to open presents in front of others because they feel self-conscious?

I would frown on anyone who refuses to just get on with joining others in a bit of harmless, non threatening fun. We have to compromise day in and day out - in our homes, at work, etc. It's just a part of living in a society.

Yes, we have to be assertive and stick to our guns but that doesn't mean we cannot exercise wisdom. If you "stick to your guns" for everything without choosing your battles, then you'll simply be the worse for it. You would only be shooting yourself in the foot by never compromising or meeting people halfway.

Your son's DP was rude and ridiculous with this nonsense about performance present opening. I wouldn't bother too much with her. That one insight she's given into her personality speaks volume. Treat her politely but keep a nice distance.