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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS’s DP was rude about her gifts?

196 replies

Madcatmolly · 25/12/2018 21:45

DS1 and his DP are spending Xmas day with her family. DS2 and his wife and DGD were eager to meet up and exchange gifts with them as they wouldn’t be seeing them today.

Yesterday evening, everyone was at our house and we had a meal, a couple of drinks and exchanged gifts.

DGD(8) was in charge of getting the presents from under the tree and handing them out. It was a lovely gentle evening, everyone was in good form except for DS1’s DP. She refused to open her presents in front of us. She said she doesn’t do ‘performance present opening ‘

Was she BU? Or AIBU to expect her to open her gifts with us. I know DS2’s DW was very disappointed too as they had put a lot of thought into selecting something for her, as did me and DH.

I’m getting tired of her churlishness. DS1 loves her so much and she makes him happy but feckin hell, she is hard work. We haven’t had a text to acknowledge the presents, I don’t expect one either.

This is just one more example of how she interacts with DH and me. AIBU?

OP posts:
SisterOfDonFrancisco · 25/12/2018 22:03

Another one here who doesn't see an issue with not opening presents in front of others. But I'm assuming this is just one of the issues you have with her.

Merryoldgoat · 25/12/2018 22:04

I don’t really understand the need to see people open their presents, especially before Christmas Day.

I hand out a load beforehand and hope people like what I’ve given. It IS nice to get a thank you but your DS is surely aware too - does he thank you?

Loopytiles · 25/12/2018 22:06

Anxiety isn’t an excuse to be rude. Her comment was very rude.

Had DS / she bought gifts for the others?

HannahnotAgnes · 25/12/2018 22:06

I agree with @MirriVan TBH, it sounds like you don't like her very much & therefore are looking for reasons to find fault. Your DS has chosen her as his partner, you need to respect & accept that, even if it means accepting that she does things differently.

GirlAtTheRockShow · 25/12/2018 22:06

I also hate opening presents in front of people, makes me feel very anxious and awkward - however - I wouldn't have refused on the grounds of "performance present opening" (what even IS that?!) and I'd also text/ring whomever gave me the gift and thank them after I had opened it, so she is a bit rude for not doing so (although maybe she hasn't had time to do so yet?)

Drogosnextwife · 25/12/2018 22:07

Awful lot of people here saying they hope your ds gets sick of her and leaves her, why because she didnt want to opem presents infront of everyone?

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 25/12/2018 22:08

Q

Snorkers · 25/12/2018 22:08

Yabu. You clearly don't like her and we're waiting for her to say something you didn't like.
She asserted herself and I'm sure was perfectly respectful.
Bet she's not eager about becoming your DIL either!

ElektraLOL · 25/12/2018 22:09

I don't like opening presents in front of people either but probably she should have been less blunt.

Fontofnoknowledge · 25/12/2018 22:12

Ffs 'anxious/ anxiety seems to be the excuse every fucking minute of the day for rude spoilt brattish behaviour. Get over yourselves, and consider that your 'anxiety' is another mans rudeness.
I swear to god no one ever had 'anxiety' ten years ago unless they were actually seriously mentally ill and receiving treatment. It's become the new 'a bit ocd' and an excuse for selfishness and everything people don't want to do .

AWishForWingsThatWork · 25/12/2018 22:14

I hate opening presents in front of other people. Hate it. It makes me stressed and anxious for a variety of reasons. i also opt out of Secret Santa events and the like for the same reason: it is a 'performance' to open them all in front of each other at the places I've worked and I hate it!

She should have been politer, yes, but she was not unreasonable to politely decline to open any gifts if it made her anxious. It also sounds like you quite like your DS2's partner a lot, and your DS1's partner not so much anyway, which she is probably well aware of.

Nacreous · 25/12/2018 22:18

I understand she may hate opening presents in front of others, but I think "oh, I prefer to save my gifts until Christmas Day, so I'll take them home and look forward to opening them tomorrow" and then a thank you by phone or text would have been more appropriate.

user1471521128 · 25/12/2018 22:18

My family all open together - not an organised thing, just how it works. My other half's family - everyone sits to watch you open a present and it makes me hate Christmas. Especially when it's something like a tea towel which as a wife I'm supposed to fall over myself with happiness.

She may have come across rude. But maybe she was just speaking up for herself. My in laws think i'm rude for doing the same.

Maelstrop · 25/12/2018 22:18

She was churlish. Surely you just go with whatever's happening in the house?

Moussemoose · 25/12/2018 22:19

She didn't 'assert' herself and win some battle for society. She was rude.

Other families do things differently and you might not like them or you wish it was done differently but while you are sitting in their house you behave.

Anxiety, doesn't mean everything is about you. When you are rude and refuse to engage you upset people and hurt their feelings. So you don't want to do something because you might become anxious so you act in a way that's rude. You, you, you, you.

And the other people involved you don't care about their feelings at all? How rude.

sirfredfredgeorge · 25/12/2018 22:21

but probably she should have been less blunt

I suspect she was,

Here's one for you Freda
oh thanks, I like to open mine on Christmas day.
Nah, c'mon, we're all opening them today
I'd really prefer to wait.
Open your present...
Sorry...
Open it...
Sorry, I don't do performance present opening.

At the very least, I'm sure she just said "thanks" when given the present and made no further comment until being pushed into opening it, rather than being left to choose.

However it went, she doesn't have to suck it up just because everyone else is doing something and it's sad that so many people do things they're uncomfortable with simply because others are.

And no, a texted thank-you on Christmas day is not required either in lots of families, so it's not surprising that she hasn't thanked you by text yet.

BackforGood · 25/12/2018 22:22

Whether or not your natural instinct is to wait until Christmas day, or to prefer to hide away to open presents or whatever, when you are joining another family for any sort of social gathering, then you make an effort to go along with what they are doing - it is just good manners.
When we go to one relative's house for something like Christmas, they like to play board games. when we go to another friend's house (bit if a distance, we go for a long day) they like to go out for a longish walk in the afternoon. If someone is staying with us over Christmas Eve they are invited to come to the midnight service with us. Not everyone would choose to do all of those 'traditions' , but that is part and parcel of spending time with other families. Good manners dictate you give it a go....... you never know, you might get to like someone else's traditions.

MrsTerryPratcett · 25/12/2018 22:23

I also hate opening gifts in front of people, DPs family go round one by one and everyone watches the opener. It makes me feel so sick.

This was my mother's family. Gives me the heebie jeebies thinking about it now. I wish I'd had the ovaries to tell them I didn't do performance present opening. Grin But it is rude, which is why I never would have done it. Just suffered every year for decades...

MirriVan · 25/12/2018 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MirriVan · 25/12/2018 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

impossiblecat · 25/12/2018 22:28

This another reason why adult presents are bollox.

ElektraLOL · 25/12/2018 22:28

'Ffs 'anxious/ anxiety seems to be the excuse every fucking minute of the day for rude spoilt brattish behaviour.'

Well that's easy for you to say if you've never had anxiety.

Original poster
Madcatmolly · 25/12/2018 22:29

@ItWasntMeItWasIm why should DS thank me for giving his DP presents?

Thank you for your comments. She is a very confident and articulate person and writes for a living, so her choice of words was careful and deliberate. If she had any anxiety she would have used different language.

I agree with the op who said to never let DS1 know what I think about her. DH and I both think we should smile and nod and hold our counsel.

OP posts:
MirriVan · 25/12/2018 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moussemoose · 25/12/2018 22:31

Oh ffs she was opening a present not being abused!

Get a grip, no one is saying she should put up with abuse. Some people had put some effort into buying her a present. The horror! The bitches!

They wanted a little bit of gratification a thank you or a smile. No one is beating her up or committing a crime.

You smile and say "thank you" - and no one looks at you after that. Anxious moment over.