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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS’s DP was rude about her gifts?

196 replies

Madcatmolly · 25/12/2018 21:45

DS1 and his DP are spending Xmas day with her family. DS2 and his wife and DGD were eager to meet up and exchange gifts with them as they wouldn’t be seeing them today.

Yesterday evening, everyone was at our house and we had a meal, a couple of drinks and exchanged gifts.

DGD(8) was in charge of getting the presents from under the tree and handing them out. It was a lovely gentle evening, everyone was in good form except for DS1’s DP. She refused to open her presents in front of us. She said she doesn’t do ‘performance present opening ‘

Was she BU? Or AIBU to expect her to open her gifts with us. I know DS2’s DW was very disappointed too as they had put a lot of thought into selecting something for her, as did me and DH.

I’m getting tired of her churlishness. DS1 loves her so much and she makes him happy but feckin hell, she is hard work. We haven’t had a text to acknowledge the presents, I don’t expect one either.

This is just one more example of how she interacts with DH and me. AIBU?

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 25/12/2018 23:27

I'd hate this present opening nonsense, I kind of admire her for taking a stand

Togaandsandals · 25/12/2018 23:32

If it makes her really anxious, fair enough, she could have said that, but the way she articulated her answer was rude imo. It came across as a dig at what the others were doing. Since when is opening presents performance present opening. Ridiculous.

Lynne45 · 25/12/2018 23:38

I agree with her. However, I’d send a thank you message after I’d opened them at home.

nutellalove · 25/12/2018 23:39

I think not UR about opening presents in front of people (odd maybe, but as PP suggested maybe she has issues with it). Very rude not to send a thank you text/acknowledgment today though. Is this a thing now though that people are ungrateful ...I was annoyed on my DMs behalf today when she gave (a substantial amount) of money to her Neices and nephews (adults in their 20s), and not one thank you and they were in the same room Confused

LanaorAna2 · 25/12/2018 23:44

Pompous twat.

Cherrysherbet · 25/12/2018 23:52

Just rude. She sounds like a drama queen.

differentnameforthis · 25/12/2018 23:56

That's her own preference, surely! Doen't matter what time you put into opening a gift, it's up to her how she opens it! Perhaps she wanted to open it Christmas morning?

It sounds like you are more invested in her reaction to your gift, rather than anything else. It's not about you, and she doens't owe you a reaction. She should say thank you though, but I don't think she owes you a ceremonial opening of present.

Will you demand she opens her wedding gifts in front of you?

differentnameforthis · 25/12/2018 23:57

Doesn't matter what time you put into selecting a gift

FlamingoPoet · 26/12/2018 00:05

‘performance present opening’ sounds like a really weird (and rude) way of saying ‘opening presents in front of the buyer makes me anxious and uncomfortable’.
Same for loads of us, and there’s isn’t really an ok way of saying that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/12/2018 00:07

Sounds like she's the sort of person who is likely to turn her nose up at whatever present is chosen for her (like Rachel from Friends) and she didn't want to do that in public.
I don't think it was anxiety at all - just "I'm not going to like these and I can't be bothered to hide my disappointment/boredom"

But I could be wrong.

Rude not to say thank you by text though, if you can't be arsed to do it in person.

BertrandRussell · 26/12/2018 00:11

“It IS nice to get a thank you but your DS is surely aware too - does he thank you?”
Why should he thank people for presents given to his dp? I’d be really pissed off if dp thanked his mother for the present she gave to me!

Poloshot · 26/12/2018 00:12

Sounds like a right weirdo

differentnameforthis · 26/12/2018 00:12

@Fontofnoknowledge your post of Tue 25-Dec @22:12 shows SO much ignorance about anxiety and mental health. These attitudes are the reason that many people don't speak up about these issues, and go on to severely self harm and even suicide.

Stpancras · 26/12/2018 00:19

I absolutely loathe opening presents in front of people, and my MIL makes me feel the way I suspect you did your son’s DP.

Presents are there to make people happy, if it makes her happier to open in her own time - so be it. She doesn’t ‘owe’ the giver a reaction. My MIL stares at me throughout gift opening and will often say things like ‘you didn’t smile straight away so i know you don’t like it’ we also have her camera trained on us at all time during opening. Gate it and can see my own DS1 is starting to feel the same.

DeaflySilence · 26/12/2018 00:20

"She refused to open her presents in front of us. She said she doesn’t do ‘performance present opening‘"

So next time give her the presents unwrapped and well displayed and say "I know you don't like having to unwrap any gifts you receive in front of others, so we thought it might be easier for you if we didn't wrap them".

differentnameforthis · 26/12/2018 00:41

So you don't want to do something because you might become anxious so you act in a way that's rude. You, you, you, you. And forcing a guest to do something they are not happy with in your home is also rude and selfish.

Good manners dictate you give it a go Good manners also dictate that you make allowances for guests in your home. It is not good manners to force your guests to do something they aren't comfortable with.

If she had any anxiety she would have used different language. Would she? Being a good writer and good with words doesn't make her immune to anxiety. There are many reasons on this thread that point to why people are quiet about their anxiety.

You smile and say "thank you" - and no one looks at you after that. Anxious moment over. - @Moussemoose This shows that you know NOTHING about anxiety and how it manifests if you think that means "anxious moment over" because it couldn't be further from the truth!

leaving the way open for him to mention if she does have an actual reason for not doing so. Don't do this op, it's not up to him to have to explain/excuse her. She had her reasons, why can't that be enough without dragging it our of your son and possibly starting cracks in their relationship?

I agree with @MirriVan too.

differentnameforthis · 26/12/2018 00:49

OH and as for anonymous...various online media sites now lift threads for articles from here.

There is enough information here for the woman in question to identify herself, so no, it's wasn't a good move.

Georgiepeorgiepuddingandpie · 26/12/2018 01:37

If she's regularly rude then that's different, but refusing to open presents in front of the giver - I totally get that. I suffer from bad anxiety and the pressure of opening presents in front of the person who gave it to me makes me feel awkward, sick, embarrassed, to the point of tearful and unhappy. I'd honestly rather receive no gift then open it in front of the giver. I await holidays and birthdays with pure dread and try to find reasons to be away for them because I just find the whole thing so painfully awkward!

The4thSandersonSister · 26/12/2018 01:51

All it would have taken is a smile and a "Thank-you very much, and I hope you don't mind if I open this later on". The "Performance Gift Opening" quibble was top trumped by her "Performance Virtue Signaling". As is your way is somehow a decadent floorshow of hedonism rather than just the way your family exchanges gifts at Christmas. She's hard work 😓.

notangelinajolie · 26/12/2018 01:58

Yes she was rude. So what if she felt uncomfortable - at the end of the day she is an adult and she should have respected her hosts (her DPs family) and opened the presents with grace.

GabsAlot · 26/12/2018 04:47

i dont like doing it either but would never phrase it like that-actually the other day i got a gift from my aunt i said i'll wait till xmas day as i havent got much to open-i did message her thanks though

why cant ds say thanks on her behalf though maybe she doesnt do textting? or is waiting to see u again

Her0utdoors · 26/12/2018 04:58

I do open the gifts from my inlaws in front of them, but I wish I didn't have too. The same misjudged crap every year-they know exactly what I'd like, dh tells them every year, but it's somehow rude in their family to ask for a certain present.... But I do say thank you before I take it to the charity shop.... Yes, I'm bitter, all my close family are dead and I'd bloody love to have a close living family like dh does.

Andylion · 26/12/2018 05:12

She asserted herself and I'm sure was perfectly respectful.

She was not at all respectful. Her use of the word performance suggests that she thinks you are all being insincere when you open presents.

OneStepSideways · 26/12/2018 06:22

Lots of people hate opening presents in front of people. I think it's bad form to expect it. In our family we give them in a gift bag to take away (or open on the spot, it's up to the recipient).

Performance opening requires you to be good at faking pleasure

BadLad · 26/12/2018 06:34

Next time, as you hand her gift over, at the last possible second rip the wapping paper off yourself just before you thrust it into her hands.