To think DS’s DP was rude about her gifts?

[Madcatmolly]

DS1 and his DP are spending Xmas day with her family. DS2 and his wife and DGD were eager to meet up and exchange gifts with them as they wouldn’t be seeing them today.

Yesterday evening, everyone was at our house and we had a meal, a couple of drinks and exchanged gifts.

DGD(8) was in charge of getting the presents from under the tree and handing them out. It was a lovely gentle evening, everyone was in good form except for DS1’s DP. She refused to open her presents in front of us. She said she doesn’t do ‘performance present opening ‘

Was she BU? Or AIBU to expect her to open her gifts with us. I know DS2’s DW was very disappointed too as they had put a lot of thought into selecting something for her, as did me and DH.

I’m getting tired of her churlishness. DS1 loves her so much and she makes him happy but feckin hell, she is hard work. We haven’t had a text to acknowledge the presents, I don’t expect one either.

This is just one more example of how she interacts with DH and me. AIBU?

Do you liked other than this?

• Thank you for your comments. She is a very confident and articulate person and writes for a living, so her choice of words was careful and deliberate. If she had any anxiety she would have used different language.

This tells me you know very little about how anxiety works and I side with her now.
Maybe she opens her presents later

When you give something it is meant to make the other person happy, not you. Therefore she can open them when she wants and say thank you when she has and finds the moment.

From my point of view I would never give a present to someone and expect them to open when I say. And the peer pressure of opening it there and then because everyone is doing it?

I have social anxiety and I could have refused. Why can't people just gift and let it be

OP you dont like her and it is obvious. You are different people and she doesn't do things your way.
You dont like or understand why DS is with her and therefore anytime she is different you will pick on it.

I think you need to let all that go or it will be a very long journey for everyone

She didn't 'assert' herself and win some battle for society. She was rude.

This ^^

I think she was rude and self centred. She should have taken her lead from her hosts as to whether she opened the presents or not . It would irritate me too OP and worry me as regards her relationship with DS. Is she always so'up herself' and selfish?

I used to be shy and hated opening gifts in front of people as it drove my anxiety through the door. Perhaps she has the same? Not worth being annoyed with her over such a small thing.

I agree that it sounds like you don't know how anxiety works. I would also do anything to get out of present opening in front of people, especially people that aren't even close family. It's such a horrible experience for me.
Saying that, i would definitely thank the person for the presents before the end of that day. Although, she may feel awkward/embarrassed and is avoiding that too.
It really could've been worse. I don't think this was particularly rude.

What was her present op? G'wan, tell us 😁

Aww that's an awful reaction.

Definite gift voucher next. I don't waste time on gifts for ungrateful people anymore.

Surely if she has anxiety which will be triggered by a normal part of the OP’s family Christmas, it’s up to the OP’s son to warn the OP in advance? For both his dp’s sake and his morher’s? It’s like bringing a new girlfriend to a meat eater’s Christmas without telling the cook in advance.

Sorry-a new girlfriend who’s a vegetarian.

Obnoxious. Sounds like a 15 year old making a point to the grown ups. Cringing for her. Not sure would bother getting her anything next year.

Well, she is now part of your family, so you are going to have to be a bit more broad-minded, OP, as one is with family.

My now-deceased MIL did some seriously offensive things to me in her time, nothing as trivial as this, but at the same time she was wonderful and a lifeline to me and my dd.

My aunt waits until everyone else has opened their's and does not say anything about the gifts themselves. We are used to her behaviour and too busy hiding any cash or small presents and small furry animals out the way before she gets the black bags out and chucks everything in them!!!!

Well she doesn't do it now of course because our Christmases have changed. She doesn't do it and I am either working, on my own or on holiday.

Would clearly have been preferable if she'd simply said, "I'd like to save mine for tomorrow, thank you" rather than resorting to passive aggressive "performance present opening" bullshit. It's got fuck all to do with being a 'good girl'. Being assertive doesn't mean making PA digs at people.

Just plain rude.

What does she think you bought her that you're expecting a 'performance' receiving of it? Diamonds?

Ffs a bit of hand cream or a box of chocolates don't require a performance! Just thanks. No big deal.

For all with social inadequacy anxiety a "thank you that's lovely" and a smile is all that's required. No performance necessary.

I think its fine to not want to open in front of everyone and not until Christmas Day.
But very U not to say thank you and to describe it as "performance present opening". What a ridiculous phrase 🤨

@differentnameforthis for a start we don't know if she is 'anxious'. You say I know nothing about anxiety but this seems like attention seeking behaviour.

I do know in a situation where you don't want to be the centre of attention the best way to achieve this is to be bland. If you don't want people looking at you smile politely, mumble platitudes, be uninteresting - no one will really care what you do.

If you want to be the focus of attention, make a fuss, be rude, say something that is implied criticism in a friendly setting. 'Performance' implies that everyone else is insincere.

She acted in a way that made her the centre of attention.

And the guest wasn't 'forced' to do anything, everyone else was joining in she chose not to. She chose not to join in in a rude way. It would have been perfectly possible to explain she found it a bit stressful. Although why she couldn't just smile and open the present I don't know.

For the people who hate opening presents in front of others - do you not like seeing other people opening your presents? What about children? I love seeing their reactions - otherwise what’s the point you may as well just transfer money to their bank account.

I'm surprised at the number of people who get anxious about opening presents. Why not ask people to not buy anything, wouldn't that be easier all round?

Personally i like giving and receiving gifts but I do wonder if its all just too much stress.

Why not ask people to not buy anything, wouldn't that be easier all round?

People don't, and certainly the mother of your DP is generally the last to accept that it's appropriate, not least because they have known you for the least time and generally want to do what they think is nice for their child's OH.

I don't have huge anxiety over opening presents, but I do not like presents and ask specifically that no-one get me any, it's very, very difficult to convince people, they think I'm rude, they think it's inappropriate to accept a gift and not return one. And of course, you need to be expecting the present to be able to ask, it's rather presumptuous to go to the mother of your boyfriend, "please don't buy me a gift for Christmas, I don't like them", when she wasn't going to get you anything anyway.

@ItWasntMeItWasImwhy should DS thank me for giving his DP presents?

Sorry in my Christmas -addled brain I had forgotten that of course your ds would have opened his present in front of you. Otherwise a text from him saying "Thanks for the presents DP and I love them" would have been fine.

I do think that some people are tying themselves in knots trying to blame the OP and her ds for this situation! It really is sometimes the dil or the dil equivalent’s fault, you know!