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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS’s DP was rude about her gifts?

196 replies

Madcatmolly · 25/12/2018 21:45

DS1 and his DP are spending Xmas day with her family. DS2 and his wife and DGD were eager to meet up and exchange gifts with them as they wouldn’t be seeing them today.

Yesterday evening, everyone was at our house and we had a meal, a couple of drinks and exchanged gifts.

DGD(8) was in charge of getting the presents from under the tree and handing them out. It was a lovely gentle evening, everyone was in good form except for DS1’s DP. She refused to open her presents in front of us. She said she doesn’t do ‘performance present opening ‘

Was she BU? Or AIBU to expect her to open her gifts with us. I know DS2’s DW was very disappointed too as they had put a lot of thought into selecting something for her, as did me and DH.

I’m getting tired of her churlishness. DS1 loves her so much and she makes him happy but feckin hell, she is hard work. We haven’t had a text to acknowledge the presents, I don’t expect one either.

This is just one more example of how she interacts with DH and me. AIBU?

OP posts:
ThanksForAllTheFish · 26/12/2018 10:19

DH’s brothers wife (SIL) never opens her gifts in front of people anymore. She has, by her own admittance, a really bad poker face and even though she would say thanks and pretended to like something, you can see it on her face and in her body language if she is disappointed or hates something. It does piss of MIL she won’t open her gifts with everyone else but I can understand why she doesn’t.

Holidayshopping · 26/12/2018 10:25

How did your son react to her comment? I actually think saying that is really rude.

Chipsahoy · 26/12/2018 11:31

I hate opening gifts in front of anyone. I love getting things for sure and get excited but I hate the attention of opening them. And I guess they feel undeserved especially if I love them.
Maybe she had a shit childhood and feels similar and struggles. Good on her for setting boundaries if so.

BertrandRussell · 26/12/2018 11:56

“Maybe she had a shit childhood and feels similar and struggles. Good on her for setting boundaries if so.”
Surely it’s possible to set boundaries without being obnoxious?

mirialis · 26/12/2018 12:06

Frankly this is the kind of thing my Dsis would think "performance present opening" about her ILs and the 3 line whip to be there on Xmas Eve to do it and go through all the pantomime of oohs, ahhs, "I love it" etc. etc. but she would NEVER be so rude as to ever say it to anyone other than me. Not because she's a "good girl" but because anyone - male or female - who makes that sort of comment is just being a dick. I would be mortified if my DH behaved like that.

"I would like to save opening my presents for later, but thanks very much" is just fine if you don't want to open them for whatever reason.

SwedishEdith · 26/12/2018 12:17

How old is she? I found sitting in a boyfriend's family home while they opened presents one by one excruciating when I was in my early 20s. I've learned how to fake all that better now and simply don't care what presents I get and know how to fix my face.

And, I do prefer to wait til Xmas day to open them.

But, she was extremely rude to say what she said.

Bellendejour · 26/12/2018 12:26

I don’t think having manners is being a ‘good girl’ - I have a tricky MIL and I stick up for myself but I also wouldn’t say something like this. Yes, it could be to mask anxiety, but she could just be being rude/thoughtless. I do/did also think it’s a bit rude to not open presents in front of the person but had no idea it caused this much anxiety! I will bear this in mind now!

She does sound like a bit of a pain but coming at this from the other perspective (having a tactless, neg-y sometimes rude DP mum), if your son is serious about her is it worth trying to let these things go rather than get locked in battle? It would be better if you could have a good relationship, can you be the bigger person and focus on good points and try to let things go where you can rather than letting it build up into ‘I don’t like DS DP’.

Bellendejour · 26/12/2018 12:28

(Meant to write ‘MIL’ - am not actually married!)

sirfredfredgeorge · 26/12/2018 12:48

Surely it’s possible to set boundaries without being obnoxious?

You'd hope so, but a lot of people are so insistent that you end having to be, the OP still hasn't said exactly how the phrase came about, at the end of trying very hard not to be obnoxious is my conclusion from that.

Colourfullanguage · 26/12/2018 14:46

Does anybody actually like opening presents while other people watch? So many people suffering “present opening anxiety” on this thread...I’m not sure anybody likes the pressure of having to put on an act of liking something when they don’t, no need for the dramatics. I’m pretty astounded that so many people tell people they don’t like it. I hate opening presents in front of others, as I imagine most people do. I suck it up and do it anyway...again, as I imagine most people outside of mumsnet world do Hmm My sister is on medication for OCD and anxiety, as have I been in the past. Just popping that in there before I get a lecture about not taking anxiety seriously.

DefinitelyOdd · 26/12/2018 15:02

I hate opening presents in front of people. I am 'difficult' to buy for according to my MIL and I have resting bitch face which worsens when I open yet another present which is going straight to the charity shop.

However my DH knows this and has taken to distracting his mother while I open the present or letting me know in advance what I have got so I can prepare.

If I could start again though I would definitely say something similar to your son's DP. Saving herself loads of trouble in my opinion.

sirfredfredgeorge · 26/12/2018 15:11

I imagine most people do

So why do you make others do something you're uncomfortable doing, and expect everyone else is also uncomfortable with?

MotherofDinosaurs · 26/12/2018 16:07

I think it's really rude not to open presents in front of the people who have given them.

MotherofDinosaurs · 26/12/2018 16:09

I also can't believe the number of people who have found grounds for complaint in being given a fucking present. Talk about first world problems Xmas Biscuit

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 26/12/2018 17:12

I think it's rude. I hate opening presents in front of people as I'm terrible at pretending I like something when I don't, even if I still appreciate the effort. But there are ways of saying it - thanks so much for the present, I really prefer opening them by myself so I can fully appreciate the moment - would you mind if I took it home and opened it on Xmas day' or something would be much better than 'I don't do performance opening' which sounds like it's implied it's all for show and not genuine

madroid · 26/12/2018 18:09

Can we just get it clear - it doesn't actually matter whether you like a present or not. You should say thank you because you've been given a gift.

As they say, it's the thought that counts and that's what you say thank you for.

freshfoodpeople · 27/12/2018 02:37

The gf sounds very rude and self centred.

Whateverletmepost · 27/12/2018 02:51

Just to weigh in, I’ve worked as a stand up comedienne, and can project confidence for days, but have extreme anxiety in certain familial situations due to an abusive childhood. I said to my boyfriend this year that I didn’t want to open presents in front of him, but luckily he understood, and instead we opened them ‘together’ while he was at home on Christmas Day, and texted each other.

I don’t know what her motives were, and whether she was also anxious, but if she was, I feel for her, and would hate to be misunderstood like that.

Skittlesandbeer · 27/12/2018 03:20

Anxiety that’s triggered by opening gifts? Now I truly have heard it all.

I have officially reached peak-snowflake.

I don’t think I could stop myself sending out a caring pre-Xmas email to everyone, reminding them that we must all be mindful of Doris’s gift anxiety and not expose her to any. At all. Or wrapping paper. And offering her the dog and a leash when gift-giving starts, so she can go for a long walk to avoid being triggered. There’s always potatoes to peel at Xmas, if she’s looking for another calming activity?

Whateverletmepost · 27/12/2018 03:36

Luckily having actually read the rest of this thread I know I am far from alone.

Sure you think I’m a snowflake for being abused too Smile

PerspicaciaTick · 27/12/2018 04:07

Won't open the presents and say thank you in person. Won't say thank you after opening the presents privately. Fair enough. But I wouldn't be putting any much thought or care into choosing a gift for her in future.

Frogletmamma · 27/12/2018 04:19

In our family everyone pretty much gets what they ask for. So no anxiety

SonEtLumiere · 27/12/2018 06:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 27/12/2018 07:04

If she has anxiety, it was the responsibility of the OP’s son to warn his mum in advance or step in at the time.

Deadbudgie · 27/12/2018 07:26

In two minds about this, I hate opening presents in front of people (and don’t really like them opening them in front of me). My brain cannot process surprises very quickly and I’m conscious that I must always look ungrateful as my brain tries to process what I’ve received. I basically have to know beforehand what I have got, then by the time I receive it I can enjoy actually receiving it and look as grateful and happy as I am to get the present. Otherwise I’ll look really crestfallen as I try and process the present then look really happy about it an hour later )yes I know I’m weird). Likewise other people opening presents makes me anxious in case they don’t like it/already got it etc, so I try and engineer most situations where presents will be opened in private. Could it be something like this (although over the years I’ve learned to game face surprise/happiness etc whilst my brain processes).

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