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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH share this money with?

296 replies

TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 20:23

DH has been out of work for 3 years this Christmas. I work as a primary school teacher fulltime and have taken on 7 hours a week of private tuition to keep the money coming in.

For 3 years every bill has ben paid from my earnings, my wages pays for both our cars and holidays - everything.

For Christmas his dad gave all 3 of his children, including my DH, a rolled up bundle of £20s. Not sure how much but a few hundred pounds.

I don't want this money; it's DH's - a present from his dad. However, AIBU to think DH should offer to share it with me? It's the only money that's come into the household from his side for 3 years.

I'd turn it down if he offered BTW but, under the circumstances, should this money be joint like my teacher salary and tutoring pay?

OP posts:
Ibizama · 26/12/2018 18:33

This is a ridiculous post, just madness OP

Imissgmichael · 26/12/2018 18:58

Dear god what a lot of nasty posts. How the hell do any of you know how the OPs partner feels about her. You don’t so wind your necks in.

As for all the posters that are so adamant it’s so easy to get a job after 50, just because you know someone who’s walked straight in a job doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone and quite frankly why should older people take jobs that don’t match their qualifications or experience. Nice bit of ageism and sexism on here.

adaline · 26/12/2018 19:01

Dear god what a lot of nasty posts. How the hell do any of you know how the OPs partner feels about her. You don’t so wind your necks in.

Because decent, self-respecting people don't think it's acceptable to spend years doing fuck-all and spending another adult's money, especially when that adult has to go out and get a second job to support the household!

Pretty much anyone can go out and get a minimum wage job in a supermarket stacking shelves. If he gave a toss, he would be applying to every single job going so his wife didn't have to work two jobs while he sits on his backside all day doing nothing!

thebaronetofcockburn · 26/12/2018 19:12

why should older people take jobs that don’t match their qualifications or experience. Nice bit of ageism and sexism on here.

It's pretty ageist to presume a certain segment of people shouldn't take any job that doesn't match their qualifications because they're 'older'. So what? Most people have to make a living. He's found someone to leech off. If she's happy to have such an expensive hobby, that's her lookout, but the excuses are flimsy. Just be honest with yourself, OP, as you have done so far, but realising that what's his is his and what's yours is his, too. That's part of it.

He sees earning income to live as your remit and himself entitled to treats with any money he's given from relatives.

CripsSandwiches · 26/12/2018 19:13

why should older people take jobs that don’t match their qualifications or experience. Nice bit of ageism and sexism on here.

Nothing to do with being older. A younger person should do just the same.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 26/12/2018 19:14

why should older people take jobs that don’t match their qualifications or experience. Nice bit of ageism and sexism on here

Nothing to do with age or sex actually. Anyone who can’t be arsed to work and wants to sponge from their partner ought to take whatever work they can find.

Oh and assuming some work is beneath older, qualified people is a lovely bit of snobbery.

JimmyGrimble · 26/12/2018 19:24

Partners should look after each other and share responsibilities. My partner used to run his own business and now works in a bar for minimum wage. He doesn’t think it’s beneath him to earn money and contribute to the family finances. I worked an unskilled job straight out of university because we needed the money. You work because you have to. Of course he should work.

Imissgmichael · 26/12/2018 19:25

But thats not true is it. Extremely well qualified experienced older people are frequently told to step aside for younger less qualified and less experienced people. Well I’m not going to do it. Iv done it in the past and finished up carrying the younger employee. Never again.

There’s a massive difference between younger people starting out at the bottom or taking jobs not matching their qualifications and older people being pushed out and nudged downwards.

As for all those cocklodger posts, I know many, many women of a certain age who have no intention of getting a job. Are they vaginalodgers?

adaline · 26/12/2018 19:26

and quite frankly why should older people take jobs that don’t match their qualifications or experience.

Because you can't just live for free! Age and experience doesn't mean that working in a supermarket, bar or similar is beneath you! If you are a grown up and have bills to pay then you need to get a damn job - and if all you can get is flipping burgers in McDonald's then that's what you do!

I would have FAR more respect for a 55 year old who took a job in McDonald's to bring in the bacon than one who couldn't be arsed and sponged of their partner for the rest of their life.

ilovekale · 26/12/2018 19:29

Ah I have a friend Who split up with DP for exactly the same scenario. For what it's worth Yes I think he should have offered

adaline · 26/12/2018 19:30

There’s a massive difference between younger people starting out at the bottom or taking jobs not matching their qualifications and older people being pushed out and nudged downwards.

Why? A job is a job. I have colleagues in their forties, fifties and beyond who earn barely above minimum wage because they have children to support and bills to pay and can't afford to just sit on their bums until the "right job" comes along.

thebaronetofcockburn · 26/12/2018 19:31

Are they vaginalodgers?

Yep, because it's pretty pisstaking if you're a fit, healthy person to think nothing of sitting on your arse and having to be chivied to do the basics in the home whilst your other half is working extra jobs to enable you both to eat. That's completley disrespectful, I'd not think much of a person who does that but if their OH is happy slogging his guts out to keep them as a pet that's his lookout.

Imissgmichael · 26/12/2018 19:35

It’s nothing to do with it being beneath older workers Christmas is about not putting up with ageism. Ain’t going to do it.

lboogy · 26/12/2018 19:40

'He loves me' So does a dog. You need to remove those rose tinted glasses love.

adaline · 26/12/2018 19:41

It’s nothing to do with it being beneath older workers Christmas is about not putting up with ageism. Ain’t going to do it

What ageism? Expecting someone who is perfectly capable of going out to work to, y'know, get a job so their wife doesn't have to work two jobs to keep the household going? Hmm

Imissgmichael · 26/12/2018 19:44

Well fortunately Adeline I don’t have to do that.

Don’t worry about my DH thebaron he’s more than happy with my contribution to the household.

ilovesooty · 26/12/2018 19:49

Of course it's not ageism. Whatever age you are you don't, if you have any decency, sit on your Idle sponging backside while your partner works two jobs and finances your car and you convince them that you're too slow and helpless not only to hold down a job but to make any meaningful contribution to the running of the household. In any case there has been no indication that his actual work experience has resulted in any evidenced skills.

adaline · 26/12/2018 19:49

Well fortunately Adeline I don’t have to do that.

Good for you - not everyone is that fortunate. OP is working two jobs while her husband is content sitting at home and contributing nothing to the household. How can you argue that that's acceptable?

He's not raising children, he's not caring for a disabled relative, he's not retired or too unwell - he simply doesn't think he needs to work because he knows his wife will support him!

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 26/12/2018 19:52

Jesus wept expecting a partner to pull their weight in a relationship is ageism now?

Too much Christmas sherry for some I think Grin

Diva1985 · 26/12/2018 20:00

I would be so embarrassed to be living with a sponger like this. What do you say when people ask what your partner does? I would be mortified to admit I lived with a workshy, lazy cocklodger.

mywigwamneedsnewflaps · 26/12/2018 20:09

B&Q , Asda, Tesco , Morrison's all seem to actively employ over 50's
Even if he joined a job agency and worked 2 or 3 shifts a week it would help abut and give him more purpose
You need a strong worded discussion

Imissgmichael · 26/12/2018 20:10

Christmas you dont know what the OPs DP has had to face. The OP has now started to backtrack. Odd that isn’t it.

Nah not to much Christmas sherry, more of a vodka person myself.

Diva was that comment directed at me? I may not work but financially I contribute equally.

TreeShade · 27/12/2018 00:53

YABVU

It sounds like your DH is effectively a SAHD. If a SAHM came on here saying her DH wanted to take her christmas money away from her, he'd be rightly called financially abusive and told to LTB.

It's not your money, so what it's spent on is none of your business.

TedAndLola · 27/12/2018 01:07

He loves me.

I'll ask again - could you watch somebody you love work two jobs while you potter about doing what you want all day every day?

He doesn't love you. He doesn't even respect you.

TreeShade · 27/12/2018 01:11

@TedAndLola

So SAHMs don't love and respect their partners?

The OP is hardly going down mines during the day and cleaning kitchens at night. She's doing a few hours a week of tutoring.