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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH share this money with?

296 replies

TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 20:23

DH has been out of work for 3 years this Christmas. I work as a primary school teacher fulltime and have taken on 7 hours a week of private tuition to keep the money coming in.

For 3 years every bill has ben paid from my earnings, my wages pays for both our cars and holidays - everything.

For Christmas his dad gave all 3 of his children, including my DH, a rolled up bundle of £20s. Not sure how much but a few hundred pounds.

I don't want this money; it's DH's - a present from his dad. However, AIBU to think DH should offer to share it with me? It's the only money that's come into the household from his side for 3 years.

I'd turn it down if he offered BTW but, under the circumstances, should this money be joint like my teacher salary and tutoring pay?

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 26/12/2018 12:58

For what it's worth I think you've been a bit harsh on him. He loves me so much and would be lost without me. I can't bear the thought of leaving him.

You're a lost cause. If you want to keep an expensive house pet and work even more hours to harbour him, that is your lookout. He won't share any money he has because what's his is his and what's yours is his, too. That's how much he loves you. I just hope you never become disabled or lose your job and need him to actually function like an adult. I'd love you, too, if I could sit on my arse and never have to work again in exchange for a bit of housework and even that you have to chivy him to do and he's slow.

My DD is 'slow' and 'shy', she has dyspraxia and dyslexia. She has a job and goes to college because we cannot afford to support her for the rest of our lives. That's the way the world works.

FunkyDiamondos · 26/12/2018 13:07

@katseyes7 do you mind if I ask what that agency is please? I had no idea that sort of thing existed and I'm desperate for that sort of help.

FunkyDiamondos · 26/12/2018 13:09

Ah sorry @katseyes7 I just saw you've answered that already Blush

Omzlas · 26/12/2018 13:16

He loves you or the fact that you're carting him, whilst he brings absolutely nothing to the table?
He's happy for you to work 2 jobs while he sits around and does housework..... and you put up with it

YABU, you're also being a doormat and he's being a selfish, lazy cocklodger

He could get a job, maybe not one that he's qualified for and that would use his full potential but he could get a job. But why would he, when he's got you running around with your 2 jobs and covering all the bills?

Sorry OP but please stop defending him, he's lazy and you're allowing yourself to be used

snowone · 26/12/2018 13:38

IMO it should have been given jointly as a present! my DHs and my own parents gave us money this year and it will all be paid in to our joint account regardless of whom the money was given to.

katseyes7 · 26/12/2018 14:51

FunkyDiamondos No worries, sorry for not replying earlier!

katseyes7 · 26/12/2018 14:57

FunkyDiamondos They're very good, they do loads of in house courses and focus groups, and the advisors are brilliant. Very helpful and supportive. l hope you can find someone near to you who can help. Good luck!

converseandjeans · 26/12/2018 15:04

pinkyyy I do know of a variety of women who don't work - some have no kids, some have grown up kids and some school age kids. They don't intend to enter back into the workplace. They spend their days dog walking, going to the gym, having coffee with friends and so on. Nobody ever questions them - I would love to potter about! However I know of no men who do this.
The women who don't work definitely don't do all the house work and child care. However they don't get called names. I'm just curious as to why if a man behaves this way he is a cocklodger and if a woman does this she is a 'lady of leisure' 'lady who lunches'. I would not be happy if my DH did this tbh - however I would not do this myself either.
OP obviously loves her DP as he loves her. So I don't think she was expecting a general husband bashing - rather should he share his Christmas hand out. Answer is yes he should treat OP!

dontneedthedrama · 26/12/2018 15:05

If it was me I'd want to share the money with my oh .
It would be nice to treat myself especially as he has not had his own money for so long but I would think he's bu for wanting to keep all the money himself when you have paid all the money for everything.

JimmyGrimble · 26/12/2018 15:41

I am also a primary teacher. A couple of years ago my partner lost his business and had to go through bankruptcy proceedings and became quite depressed. For about 18 months he stayed at home, doing very little although he did always have a meal in the table for me. We had to take in a lodger and tighten our belts and it was very very stressful. He lost confidence but ultimately took a part time bar job. Over the last year he’s taken on more work and now works more or less full time. It’s not ideal and we don’t see as much of each other but he’s got some self respect back and the money he earns goes into the pot. I would say that by sitting back and letting him do nothing you are absolutely not helping him. Teaching is very stressful and taking on extra will be killing you. Ultimately you will run out of excuses and the respect and love will go too. Then you’ll both be alone and he’ll be wondering what he did wrong as you’ve never challenged him. Let him know what you need him to do. If he truly loves you he’ll want to help.

Pinkyyy · 26/12/2018 15:42

@converseandjeans I have no problem with people not working, my DM was a SAHM and still doesn't work now her DC have grown up. The difference is that my DM (and probably your friends) is in a position where they mutually agree on this and it works for them, this is not the case with the OP. Her DH has chosen not to work and has taken a job every so often to appease the OP, then swiftly left it for no good reason to go back to his free life. He's a lazy, using bastard and the OP is a downright fool to live like this.

Imissgmichael · 26/12/2018 15:51

He’s been off to long to sign on. He wouldn’t be entitled to JSA.

Notatallobvious · 26/12/2018 16:09

It’s not that difficult to get unskilled jobs over 50, unless you live in the arse end of nowhere with no transport. My DF works in a supermarket (he’s over 60), FIL works in a warehouse, I know plenty of over 50s who do agency work/driving jobs/DIY retail etc.

Crimbobimbo · 26/12/2018 16:20

Do you want him to work OP?

Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 26/12/2018 16:24

Yes but experience tells me any job won't last. So I've the practical view to plan fo r him to not work.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 26/12/2018 16:25

With no mortgage or kids our outgoings are very small.

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 26/12/2018 16:29

Yes but experience tells me any job won't last.

Because it's never had to, he knows he can kick back and you'll stump up. He knows you'll sub him for life. He really landed on his feet with you, a life time meal ticket in return for some token housework he has to be chivied to do. I expect more out of my teenage kids, tbh. Really hope they don't settle for some cocklodging, lazy loser like this, hopefully not, so far they don't seen anything attractive about people like this because ultimately, they're a millstone round your neck and who needs that?

OliviaStabler · 26/12/2018 16:30

He loves me so much and would be lost without me.

Sorry but he doesn't love you, he loves that you support him. He'd be lost without you because he can't man up and earn a living for himself. He is sponging off you.

He won't share what he was given as you provide for all his needs so why would he? You're like his mother.

ilovesooty · 26/12/2018 16:54

Well if anything happens to your teaching career as I detailed above he's screwed isn't he? On to Universal Credit where he won't be able to drift along in this work avoidance you seem happy to indulge.

I'm at a total loss as to what you find fulfilling about this relationship. Do you actually enjoy doing a demanding and stressful job while knowing you have a complete wastrel child lazing around at home? Can you respect him at all or find him remotely attractive as a partner?

Redtartanshoes · 26/12/2018 17:28

Why don’t you have a mortgage?

Despite minimal outgoings your are working full time plus tutoring so obviously not that well off to have sponger sponging

Crimbobimbo · 26/12/2018 17:41

Well you sound OK about it, so fine really.

The cash gift; it's tricky, I don't work at the moment (SAHP to 3 under 5) and I received some cash for Xmas that I'll put towards our holiday so that's me, but if it was given to him I suppose it's for him then it's him who decides. It's interesting that you ask, something is obviously bothering you.

ilovesooty · 26/12/2018 17:55

Despite the low outgoings I don't see any reason why you should be doing extra tutoring in addition to a full time job yet continue to fund a car for him.
If he's no intention of working and you are prepared to indulge this, why does he need to have you paying for a car for him?

adaline · 26/12/2018 18:00

Yes but experience tells me any job won't last. So I've the practical view to plan fo r him to not work.

Jesus. So you have to work to enable him to sit around and live off your income for the next, what, 20, 30, 40 years? Don't you have more respect for yourself than that?

He loves me so much and would be lost without me.

I'll correct that for you. "He loves my income so much and would be lost without me enabling his lazy arse"

Dotty1970 · 26/12/2018 18:01

I have money from my parent in a card that addresses us both and I always take it, he never says nothing... Or does he post about his selfish dp on mnGrin

ilovesooty · 26/12/2018 18:29

What makes you think you can just take the lot if it's addressed to both of you @Dotty1970?