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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH share this money with?

296 replies

TeeJay1970 · 25/12/2018 20:23

DH has been out of work for 3 years this Christmas. I work as a primary school teacher fulltime and have taken on 7 hours a week of private tuition to keep the money coming in.

For 3 years every bill has ben paid from my earnings, my wages pays for both our cars and holidays - everything.

For Christmas his dad gave all 3 of his children, including my DH, a rolled up bundle of £20s. Not sure how much but a few hundred pounds.

I don't want this money; it's DH's - a present from his dad. However, AIBU to think DH should offer to share it with me? It's the only money that's come into the household from his side for 3 years.

I'd turn it down if he offered BTW but, under the circumstances, should this money be joint like my teacher salary and tutoring pay?

OP posts:
steff13 · 27/12/2018 01:16

The decision for one partner to stay home and care for children is generally one that a couple makes together, based on what's best for the family.

The OP and her husband did not decide that he would stay home, and since she's had to take on extra work to support them, it isn't what's best for their household, either. It's hardly apt to compare a SAHM to the OP's husband. 🙄

steff13 · 27/12/2018 01:18

It sounds like your DH is effectively a SAHD.

SAHD to whom? The OP said they have no children.

TreeShade · 27/12/2018 01:21

@steff13

SAHP's don't exist just to look after children but also to carry out household chores like cleaning and cooking etc, as well as general 'admin'. The OP's DH is doing 90% of this work so is effectively a SAHP.

steff13 · 27/12/2018 01:33

Are you the husband?

The fact remains they didn't agree to this arrangement. He's taking advantage. How much housework and admin do two adults accrue? 90% is still not that much work. I'm sure most SAHP would agree the lion's share of the work comes from caring for the children.

TreeShade · 27/12/2018 01:39

@steff13

It doesn't matter who I am. The OP's role is effectively a SAHP without the caring responsibilities. Now we're regularly told that being a SAHM is a full time job, so I don't see what is so objectionable about it being the other way round.

Chrissmasjammies · 27/12/2018 01:52

@TreeShade are you for real? You can't compare someone who takes time out of the work force to look after children by family agreement to household chores with no kids, most working people with and without children manage to fit those tasks in at weekends and evenings especially if you set things up to lighten the burden, minimal ironing, batch cooking a bit, low maintenance/easy clean flooring / minimal clutter etc. My husband and I manage it with 2 small children and full time jobs. If roles were reversed and the op's partner were female it would be just the same pisstake.

TreeShade · 27/12/2018 01:57

@Chrissmassjammies

Is it ok for working DH's to take christmas gifts from their SAHP?

Walkingdeadfangirl · 27/12/2018 03:50

What a user

InfiniteCurve · 27/12/2018 08:58

I think it's sad that OPs partner is being categorised as a waste of space because he hasn't worked for 3 years.Not never worked,and we have no idea what he's like in other respects.
I think he should share the Xmas money,I think he should do his best to get a job ,I hope he is loving and supportive to OP.
But it isn't as easy as " just get a job",it's perfectly possible still to apply,get interviewed,not get the job,in all roles.If he is 55 he has another 10 plus years potentially but I'm not convinced all employers are ok with this.Some people interview badly,it's hard to keep looking and keep getting rejected,and no,that shouldn't stop him looking but failure doesn't make him worthless.
Also being in paid work is not the ultimate measure of worth,being in work is good,being hardworking and self reliant are virtues - you have them,great.Doesn't make you perfect though,there are other aspects to life...Which kind of is not what you'd think from reading some of MN.

Pinkyyy · 27/12/2018 09:22

Jesus Christ @TreeShade. I've read some rubbish on here, but being a stay at home PARENT with no children really takes the prize.

Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 27/12/2018 10:34

Thank you for your post Infinite.

I'm not going to.post details of how supportive he was when my elderly parents were dieing. How amazing he was when my sister had cancer. How kind he was to my friend and her daughter who stayed with us for 4 months o escape her abusive husband. None of that matters to Mumsnetters - they just wanted to a kick a man when he's down and shout MN's favourite word -COCKLODER.

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 27/12/2018 10:41

You are deluded love, all of those things are things people do for people they love and while........ Shock horror.........holding down a job. For teacher you aren't very bright. Look enough people have told you, you stomp your feet and say it's all the mumsnettters fault and not your simple, loving, too thick to hold down a job even if he wasn't too lazy to get one oh, whatever makes you sleep better

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 27/12/2018 10:45

I'm not going to.post details of how supportive he was when my elderly parents were dieing. How amazing he was when my sister had cancer. How kind he was to my friend and her daughter who stayed with us for 4 months o escape her abusive husband. None of that matters to Mumsnetters - they just wanted to a kick a man when he's down and shout MN's favourite word -COCKLODER.

You left all that out, and complained that you pay for everything all the time and that he contributes nothing. Now you’re pissed off because we all told you he’s a cocklodger (a man who lives with you and contributes nothing)

Aye ok then Grin

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 27/12/2018 10:45

Oh and he’s not down, he’s got it sussed, well and truly.

Sparkletastic · 27/12/2018 10:50

Hopefully he has plans to treat you both to something nice with his unexpected cash windfall.

GabriellaMontez · 27/12/2018 10:53

OP if he loved you he'd move heaven and earth to get a job so that you didn't have to do two.

GabriellaMontez · 27/12/2018 10:56

@Treeshade the P in SAHP is for parent. He isn't a parent. He's just SAH.

And the Op is doing a few hours of tutoring a week on top of her full time job. So he can continue to SAH.

IceRebel · 27/12/2018 10:58

None of that matters to Mumsnetters - they just wanted to a kick a man when he's down and shout MN's favourite word -COCKLODER.

Of course stuff like that matters, however it's much easier to be supportive and helpful when he has no other responsibilities in life. Your original post was about how you had paid every bill, cars, holidays for the last 3 years because he doesn't have a job. You admit money is a bit tight, you're working 2 jobs to pay for you and him, and he is contributing nothing to the house other than domestic chores. That is the very definition of a cocklodger, which is why people are calling him out on it.

HolesinTheSoles · 27/12/2018 11:46

It doesn't matter who I am. The OP's role is effectively a SAHP without the caring responsibilities. Now we're regularly told that being a SAHM is a full time job, so I don't see what is so objectionable about it being the other way round.

lol this is hilarious. A SAHP is a full time job when there are children because there is a lot of work associated with looking after children. Children create large amounts of admin and housework and are only at school between the hours of 9 and 3 so after the school run you have a few hours to get other stuff done.

It's also not possible for all households to have a SAHP - you would only enter that arrangement if both partners agreed to it.

Bbarn0wls2 · 27/12/2018 11:53

You both need to check your state pension entitlement. When you will receive it, how much and if any years are missing. If he is not working, potentially he will not have paid enough to get a full pension. Secondly, do you both have private pensions ? It's not too bad now, because you are working 2 jobs, but in the future you will both be retired. You both need to make the checks and plan. If this means he gets a job, or you get a 3, 4th job... Yes he should contribute to the house hold

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2018 11:57

For someone who was complaining about the unfairness of him not sharing his gift you’re mighty defensive OP.

You’re a mug. But you’re clearly happy to stay so, or not unhappy enough to change anything. On your head love...

thebaronetofcockburn · 27/12/2018 12:38

Hey, it's your lookout that you're happy keeping him. He's so amazing, but happy to keep a windfall all to himself whilst you work extra hours.

LOL comparing someone like this to a SAHP.

IceRebel · 27/12/2018 13:57

LOL comparing someone like this to a SAHP

Indeed, if I were a SAHP I would feel insulted. Shock

Pinkyyy · 27/12/2018 14:29

OP what did you expect people to say? If you thought he was so perfect you wouldn't have posted this thread to begin with. He's a greedy, selfish, lazy bastard but all that is fine because he comforts you?

cuppycakey · 27/12/2018 15:09

He won't sign on he hates the idea. As to why he isn't working; it's difficult iy you're unskilled and over 50.

What a load of shite. I think you have to put up or shut up OP.

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