Should DH share this money with?

[TeeJay1970]

DH has been out of work for 3 years this Christmas. I work as a primary school teacher fulltime and have taken on 7 hours a week of private tuition to keep the money coming in.

For 3 years every bill has ben paid from my earnings, my wages pays for both our cars and holidays - everything.

For Christmas his dad gave all 3 of his children, including my DH, a rolled up bundle of £20s. Not sure how much but a few hundred pounds.

I don't want this money; it's DH's - a present from his dad. However, AIBU to think DH should offer to share it with me? It's the only money that's come into the household from his side for 3 years.

I'd turn it down if he offered BTW but, under the circumstances, should this money be joint like my teacher salary and tutoring pay?

5fivestar well that’s news to me, I don’t think they’re lucky at all. I think it’s quite sad if you don’t have kids and leech off someone. Being a SAHP is entirely different, because you’re a team. But I I wouldn’t fund someone who couldn’t be arsed working!

Ynbu. I'd expect him to use it for a lovely family treat.

But I I wouldn’t fund someone who couldn’t be arsed working!

Me either, it's so unattractive. Why would you want to be in such a one sided relationship. He doesn't love you for you Op, he loves you because of all the free perks he gets from being with you.

I do find people like this a bit odd. My FIL was retired from his fulltime job at 50 due to ill health. On full pensions as he always worked with them, but he still took himself to college and retrained to do a self employed job for a number of years before retiring properly at 60. His wife was still working and he'd have been board, not able to have spent as much money himself otherwise.

He can't do nothing for the next 18 years espicaly if he hadn't got much pensions contribution. As he's not even getting his stamp paid either. I mean what if something happens to you?

Thanks @katseyes7 !

It would be joint in our family, we'd decide what to spend it on between us.

It's not as if he makes himself useful round the house either by the sound of it. The OP simply indulgently accepts he isn't any good at anything. She hasn't responded at all to any of the posts about the work he could do though the longer she puts up with his idleness and work avoidance the less employable he becomes.
And the longer term financial implications seem to be going over her head.

If you are unhappy with this arrangement, talk to him. If you’re not, then just carry on. It’s your choice. But if he doesn’t acknowledge that your relationship is unbalanced and refuses to talk about it that would be a red flag for me.

For what it's worth I think you've been a bit harsh on him. He loves me so much and would be lost without me. I can't bear the thought of leaving him.

Do you have other family? Are you in touch with them? What do they think about this set up?

As others have said I do not think he would get any benefits. However if he has no intention of working I would not support his car . 2 cars are a luxury ( if not needed for work). However you love him so would pay his NI stamp.

Well isn't he just a peach!
So, he's happy for you to go out to work and pay for EVERYTHING and then still happy to watch you take on extra work while he spends his days doing what the fuck he likes? He then gets given some money and doesn't immediately share it with you?
Of course he loves you - you're a bloody mug and his cash cow!!!

Christmastwattery - obviously it depends on your circle of friends and aquintances but I know multiple women who don't and never have worked, either no children or adult children no longer at home, it's not a rarity by any means.

Wonder how much he’d love you if you started respecting yourself and asked for him to behave like an adult?

Of course he’d be lost without you - he’d have to get a job!

Maybe he does love you - but he’s certainly willing to get a free ride out of your hard work and most people treat people they love with respect.

Seriously OP, you’re a mug and he’s the biggest cock lodger going.

PattiStanger you’re right it almost certainly does depend on your circle. I don’t know a single woman who isn’t a SAHP (or man for that matter) that doesn’t contribute anything financial at all to the household yet lives the life of Riley.

Being a SAHP is, of course, a different matter.

It’s quite depressing to think there are people who are prepared to leech from a spouse.

OP having read your updates, I think you need a reality check- he may genuinely love you and not be using you as a "meal cheque", I have no idea but I hope that's the case. BUT he clearly doesn't have a huge amount of respect for you if he allows you to work full-time and take on additional work whilst he brings in no income and will not sign on. His pride is more important than your well-being is how that comes across to me.

The fundamental question here is this: are you happy with the arrangement as it is? If you can, hand on heart, say you are 100% happy with the situation as it is then carry on as you are. It's seems hugely skewed in his favour and unfair to you, but if you are genuinely happy with it, then that's up to you.

However, you really, really need to get him to look at where he stands as regards his pension. Or your retirement is going to be very difficult from a financial point of view unless you have extremely good pension provision (and/or extensive savings) yourself by which you are willing to support both of you. Or unless you are going to keep on working into retirement age in order to support him. He cannot afford to keep ignoring that issue. Nor can you, TBH.

I had one of these - a cocklodger for 7 years. He 'loved' me. I gradually lost respect for him over time. Finally I'd had enough and said he had to get a job, contribute to finances and help with housework. He shrugged and left. That's how much he loved me. And our child together (obviously I don't get a penny child maintenance now either).

If you can live like this OP then fine, but it is like having an expensive pet. I couldn't live like that forever, knowing too that he expected to live off me, and small pension (when i reach that age), and he had no pride at all.

At the very least he should be swallowing his pride and getting signed on....applying for any job and taking any job offered
ANY money he comes across should be going into the family pot

Eilianne

Eh? I wasn't replying to you.

I was replying to the OP funnily enough.

Not sure why you're telling me about your 'financials' either.

I wonder how happy you'll be with this arrangement if I a few years' time you find the demands of teaching much more difficult physically or - God forbid - the management of your school starts to target you as an expensive older teacher they want to cut from their budget.

I would be very concerned about retirement and how your future looks financially. I've seen my mum struggle on a shitty pension and a bone idle husband who is constantly out of work, he ate her savings. Retirement will be shit. If they end up on the poverty line I'll look after her but not him.

My DH is late 50s and hasn’t worked for 18mnths. Money is a little tight at the moment but the new year will see a massive change in our fortunes so it’s only temporary. It has amazed me how judgemental some people have been over our family rolls. Some of the most judgy have been from SAHM friends. They don’t seem to understand that his roll is no different than theirs.
I’m. Sure if. It were a husband posting regarding sharing his wife’s cash gift MN would be outraged.

If you accept the weird setup of a grown adult living under the same roof and having zero motivation to contribute, then fine, happy days. It's a free country.

Not sure what the point of the thread is.

Clearly he doesn’t love you enough to share his Xmas money.

But, as previously mentioned a few hundred quid is the least of your worries: he’s a cocklodger, a leech and is taking you for a ride. You need to wise up, you’re wasting your life with someone who is treating you like a cash cow and contributing nothing.