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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel bad about presents I gave dd1?

335 replies

Marg0tt · 25/12/2018 19:48

Yawn- another Christmas thread I know. But I’m just thinking about whether I’m wrong to feel guilty about the presents I gave my 16 year old dd. She got some nice shampoo, a weekly wall planner whiteboard thing, some highlight drops (make up) and two items of clothing (a jumper and dress) which although she acted thankful for, I can tell she wasn’t keen on. She’s been very grateful and I cannot fault her but I feel like the gifts were a let down- especially as her younger sister got more

OP posts:
sister1 · 26/12/2018 01:21

I wouldn't worry about what your 16 year old thinks! She's not the one who's had to go around buying lots of presents for family members and her 10 year old sister!

I didn't get much when I was 16 or 10 but I was grateful for what I got and your 16 and 10 year old are probably too but you are worrying too much!
My dear Mum would have been 85 years old today (she passed away 5 years ago) and because it was her birthday and Christmas on the same day she looked forward to it so much as she would get to have a piece of fruit! So it's not always about the presents.

IAmW0manHearMeRoar · 26/12/2018 07:14

Shampoo and a weekly planner?
For presents?
For a 16 year old?
And you chose clothes for her?!

Yeah sorry but it does sound like she is rightly disappointed especially as her little sister got more! 😮

I'd get on groupon and find a spa day for her and a friend!

AJPTaylor · 26/12/2018 07:43

If she is 16, can she not go into town with a friend and exchange the clothes at least for a voucher?

TheLittleDogLaughed · 26/12/2018 07:50

If she’s like my 16-year-old she’d rather go shopping by herself or with a friend so bung her some money? Doesn’t matter then if you’re working or not.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 26/12/2018 07:51

AJP snap!

Zoflorabore · 26/12/2018 08:03

I don't think that's much at all for Christmas.

My almost 16yr old ds got a laptop and around £500 worth of presents between his dad and I, including aftershave, electric razor, books, designer jeans, a few UA tops and other stuff. It certainly doesn't look like £1000 worth of presents. No tat, no crap, just stuff we both know he likes.

Even if the budget had been smaller I would know what to get ds as I'm his mum and know him better than anyone.
You can make this up to your dd by giving her money for the sales and acknowledging you may have misjudged a couple of the gifts. Christmas is tricky Flowers

givemesteel · 26/12/2018 08:08

It does sound pretty underwhelming I'm sorry to say.

Did you not ask her what she wanted for Christmas? I think at 16 that's when you need to ask for a list with specific links, to clothes / shoes / tech stuff they want.

Let her take back the clothes and then decide on a budget. With the sales she can now get more for her money.

Next year get them both to write a list, they're old enough.

NameChange457 · 26/12/2018 08:21

Ugh, all the people giving these kinds of lists: fluffy throw, slippers, PJ's, scarf, purse, phone case, lip gloss, make up, make up brushes, hair brush, hair dryer, hair straighteners, hair bands, face masks, costa/starbucks voucher, mug with hot chocolate sachets, pandora ring, watch, Amazon Echo, cinema voucher, books, perfume, lots!!

This is all such generic ‘female’ stuff. I’d have much preferred ‘my’ shampoo and a wall planner at 16 than this kind of stuff (I asked for and received the same shampoo for years as a teenager/ in my early twenties). Some people like practical gifts and don’t like clutter.

But specific present ideas aside, if her sister got more as number of presents - don’t worry about it, at 16 she’s plenty old enough to understand that her sister’s were cheaper gifts. If you spent more on her younger sister than (assuming you can afford it) give her some cash - my favourite present as a teenager - tell her you forgot to put it in her card, and tell her you wanted her to be able to buy herself something she loves.

Also give her the receipts for the clothes and let her change them (and yes, if she’s the kind who would enjoy it arrange to take her out for the day soon so she can spend her money)

thefinn · 26/12/2018 08:39

Well she might be keen on the presents. How about last year, were the presents similar? Totally agree that this is fixable by giving her money to go shopping in the sales... even saying "woah I forgot this one present" or similar.

Namechangenumber57 · 26/12/2018 08:41

OP, that you have to ask ‘what could I have bought her’ is the crux of the issue. She may feel that you don’t really know her, understand her, or listen to her (pretty common teen angst thing to feel anyway, but watching her sister receive ‘on point’ gifts while hers were generic will have reinforced it). Don’t worry about it too much, these things happen. But I would talk to her, say you’re so proud that she was so gracious but could tell your gifts were a bit of a miss and you’d like to spend a day together doing something of her choice to make it up to her. I would be honest that you’ve been distracted with work, sincerely apologise for that and thank her for making you realise how much your work distraction was effecting family life or something that to that effect. What she really wants is to be understood - try to think of a way that you can show her you’re trying to understand her and her teen world

Muminho · 26/12/2018 08:59

Personally OP I think that's ok. I also got my 15 year old fancy shampoo & conditioner and chose a top alongside admittedly a few more things but only books and some pens she asked for (the only thing she asked for!) It's just stuff and not everyone wants loads of it. The fact that she's been lovely is a credit to you and to her. If you feel you need to 'make it up to her' a little then rather than bung cash at her could you find the time for a day out soon just you and her - cinema, lunch etc. You could ask her then if there's anything she would have liked that you could still get. Christmas is so much more than the presents. My 15 year old has also been lovely today and weirdly I think that's partly because her brother was ill and she mucked in to help me with the cooking etc and found she enjoyed being useful. Your dd sounds lovely and so do you. Enjoy your Boxing Day.

WeMarchOn · 26/12/2018 09:37

@Namechangenumber57 I'm just listening kind of things my daughter likes!!

FinallyHere · 26/12/2018 09:37

It’s not necessarily the amount of money spent on gifts but putting in the effort to getting the person gifts that they’d love and fit their likes and interests.

I just don't get the MN idea if thoughtful gifts. Growing up, a measure of maturity was being allowed ever more say in what we were given. Could you ask her in future what she wants, so she has some control over what she gets? Much better in my book than any amount of 'thoughtfulness'

As for 'equal number of gifts to open' is that really a thing anyone cares about? If you wanted one albeit expensive item and got a heap of cheap things instead, just so you would have equal number of parcels?

WeMarchOn · 26/12/2018 09:37

Sorry that was meant for @NameChange457

blackteasplease · 26/12/2018 09:40

I was worried that 10yo dd appeared to have more than 4 yo d's as his were larger in size but fewer in number. In the ens she ripped all hers open in seconds while he savoured each one. So he seemed to have more in the end!

FortunesFave · 26/12/2018 09:43

NameChange "Urgh" yourself. Some people don't have all that stuff all year round.

Mine certainly don't. I don't buy bits and bobs for them willy nilly so when they get throws and fluffy slippers for Christmas, they really appreciate them and use them.

Not good enough for you? Who cares!?

Nicknamesalltaken · 26/12/2018 09:45

How can you not get the idea of ‘thoughtful gifts’? Surely that’s the whole point? The whole point is to show someone you care and make an effort, no?

WeMarchOn · 26/12/2018 09:47

@FortunesFave exactly I wouldn't buy my girls some of those things throughout the year so they are excited to get for Christmas

WhiteDust · 26/12/2018 09:49

You bought the younger daughter more but I can't work out if you actually spent more on her.
If you did, give your older DD some spending money to equal things out.

Belindabauer · 26/12/2018 09:56

I would not buy a 16 year old clothes unless it was something they specifically asked for. The shampoo is a stocking filler. Mist16 year olds would prefer to choose their own clothes.

safetyfreak · 26/12/2018 09:59

I feel bit sorry for her tbh when I read what you got her. Surely you know what is into etc?

However, sounds like you have raised a lovely daughter even if she was disappointed. Maybe take her out soon for some lunch as a treat? Next year be fairer.

Punto1 · 26/12/2018 10:00

Dd (14) this year got the following:

Santa (!):
iPhone 6 (a revamped one)
Nivea pamper set with 8 things in it
Harry Potter calendar

Grandmother:
Pyjamas

Grandad
€200

Me:
Trainers she wanted

Aunt:
Victoria Pink leggings and hoodie
Addidas top
Victoria's Secret perfume
Handcare set

Godmother:
Prepaid debit card with €100 on it
A Bluetooth karaoke microphone

Youmadorwhat · 26/12/2018 10:05

I’m not against the idea of picking clothing for a 16 yr old...my mum used to choose clothes for me (she had a good eye and knew me well) but she also used to get me cd’s (I suppose nowadays iTunes £ would suffice) body creams, make up (I loved MAC), pjs bath robes, hair accessories, perfume, slippers, socks, underwear, nail polish, vouchers, chocolates, jars of sweets,money, cool key rings, earrings, books etc, obviously my mum picked these according to my likes and style so I felt they were all personal.

Main gifts around that age was usually hair straighteners, clothing, concert tickets, phone, tv etc

So if I’m being honest it sounds a bit like a lame Christmas for her 😢

Punto1 · 26/12/2018 10:11

I would expect a 16 year old to get something techie (phone/laptop/air-pods/fitbit for e.g.), trainers, labelled clothing, perfume, smellies, makeup, voucher etc.
I have never seen a 16 year old wearing a jumper. Hoodies yes, a jumper? She's not 56!
Is the dress even something she'd wear? What Mammy would buy, and what a teen would want, could be very different things.

Personally, I think they sound like awful presents.

Shampoo ffs?

EdtheBear · 26/12/2018 10:12

Op I'd double check she likes the clothes with the option to return if she doesn't.

My kids are much younger but with the same 6 year gap. I made an attempt to ensure they had equal number of gifts, no point in spending same money.