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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bad about presents I gave dd1?

335 replies

Marg0tt · 25/12/2018 19:48

Yawn- another Christmas thread I know. But I’m just thinking about whether I’m wrong to feel guilty about the presents I gave my 16 year old dd. She got some nice shampoo, a weekly wall planner whiteboard thing, some highlight drops (make up) and two items of clothing (a jumper and dress) which although she acted thankful for, I can tell she wasn’t keen on. She’s been very grateful and I cannot fault her but I feel like the gifts were a let down- especially as her younger sister got more

OP posts:
Cachailleacha · 25/12/2018 20:47

I think giving a more expensive version of an everyday item as a gift depends on the person. I am happy with the shampoo I usually buy, no desire for a 'nicer' one.

Fiveletters · 25/12/2018 20:48

Put some money in a card and encourage her to go to the sales with her friends? Email her a voucher to her favourite online shop?

I got some lovely bumble and bumble shampoo/conditioner today - I was thrilled. A bottle of Pantene and I’d probably have been a bit Hmm

I find my dd much more fun to buy for than my two boys but I always make sure I even things up.

delboysskinandblister · 25/12/2018 20:48

I think to make up for it just give her some money to go with a friend and she can choose what she likes with someone her own age. Offer her the receipts for the clothing so she can get whatever she wants.

At 16 I would not have accepted my mum choosing my clothes but I wanted the cash to spend instead. Who needs a wall planner at 16? Never give more gifts to one than the other. They don't know that one pile is the same value as the other. It just looks like DD10 is your favourite.

Notwhoyouthink35 · 25/12/2018 20:53

I don’t think it’s fair that her younger sister got more. If anything the 16 year old should have got more. Agree that shampoo isn’t a gift either and to be honest neither is a whiteboard.

She’s obviously a really lovely girl and is grateful for what she’s been given. If I was you, I would go and tell her that she has £50/£100 to spend on the sales tomorrow.

KittyMcKitty · 25/12/2018 20:55

Did she ask for the wall planner? If not I’d say it isn’t much of a gift. I’d return the clothes and give her the money to buy something she likes.

Did her sister get more fun presents?

delboysskinandblister · 25/12/2018 21:00

and please don't make her wait til the weekend to go with you because she will have missed out on the best deals, let her go with friend tomorrow.

She sounds a lovely daughter and very gracious.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 25/12/2018 21:01

The thing is though clothes for a teen can be exactly what they want, but they do generally like to choose. Ds1 was really happy with his new jeans and shoes (both of which he’d have struggled to afford himself) but we went together to choose them, I just wrapped them after.
This thread is ironic though, considering I’m on another one where anyone spending more than about £50 on a dc is accused of spoiling them / making them grow up entitled!

CarolDanvers · 25/12/2018 21:02

Sounds a bit shit tbh. Could you give her some cash to make up for it? For her to spend in the sales tomorrow.

pissedonatrain · 25/12/2018 21:03

Is there a reason she doesn't ask for things she wants?

I wouldn't buy clothes for a 16 year old. Do have having to take her shopping or could she just go herself with a friend or 2?

I'd be thrilled with £100 to spend on a shopping trip with a friend or 2.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 25/12/2018 21:08

I know lots of people on this thread would love a nice shampoo, you are grown women though, OPs daughter is just 16.

TheBananaStand2 · 25/12/2018 21:09

Those sound like really nice presents, op. And lots of them, too.

x2boys · 25/12/2018 21:13

I didnt read it as op.spent less on her younger daughter just that she got a bigger pile as her presents were less expensive? Ds 1 had far less presents than ds2 but his main present was a laptop!

AhhhHereItGoes · 25/12/2018 21:18

Everyone's different.

At 16 I'd have been happy with this provided my sibling didn't get loads more and if Mum was willing to get a few extra bits, maybe treat me to lunch then I'd have loved it.

But I pretty much like any gift I think someone has taken their time to decide what I'd like. I'm not particularly grabby and I see a gift given as special, not to be scrutinised.

But everyone's different. Some teens and adults alike really struggle being bought clothes items, needing to chose them themselves - My Mum is just like this.

Either way your DD sounds really mature and good natured OP so you've clearly gave her a great attitude to giving. In a day where so many teens are greedy and me-centric it's lovely to see.

Ethel36 · 25/12/2018 21:20

I dont think its fair her sister got more. Give her twenty pounds to get some stuff in the sales?

U2HasTheEdge · 25/12/2018 21:23

My 9 year old got a lot more presents than my 12 year old but the money was the same.

I think the presents were a little boring OP. I always get mine to make lists then do a few surprise presents.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 25/12/2018 21:25

I'll be honest, they do sound disappointing presents, but it sounds as if she behaved beautifully about it, so you're doing something right!

DS got some practical pressies but some stuff that was special and obviously thoughtfully chosen just for him, iyswim.

Passmethecrisps · 25/12/2018 21:31

I suspect you know in yourself that you should have put more time into the gift buying for dd1.

You need to properly get a date in the diary to take her shopping in the sales. Don’t give her the option as it sounds like she is a gem and will say it’s fine and she doesn’t need any more. She doesn’t need more stuff but I suspect ha would like time with you for a couple of hours.

I know people say all teenagers want is stuff and that they just hand over cash but thats not true for all.

Augusta2012 · 25/12/2018 21:32

Be very careful with the sales idea as that could make it even worse. She may think that you didn’t want to pay full price for a decent present before Christmas so you’re trying to palm her off with reduced goods from the sales.

Sales are also not always that great and that x1000 if you’re going 10 days after they start. Sales are full of stuff people haven’t wanted to buy pre-Xmas and by the time you’re intending to go it will be stuff nobody wanted to buy pre Xmas or in the sales after - shite basically.

I don’t think you can really excuse your way out of this one because you did have time and budget to sort her sister. If I was in your shoes I would stick £50 in a card and pretend I’d meant it all along.

Passmethecrisps · 25/12/2018 21:35

That’s a good point Augusta

I reckon most teenagers, especially one like this one sounds, would respond well to an honest chat where mum says “you know what. I know you aren’t keen on those frocks and that shampoo maybe isn’t as exciting as I thought it was when I bought it. How about we go for lunch and a mooch around the shops on Saturday?”

She may not actually choose anything else. But the fact that you have spent the time with her will mean a lot

Augusta2012 · 25/12/2018 21:55

I think that’s a great idea passmethecrisps

HairyToity · 25/12/2018 21:57

At 16 I just had a few stocking items (book, pretty stationery and make up), and a cash budget for the sales. I loved going sales shopping and was alway very happy.

Pachyderm1 · 25/12/2018 21:59

They are a bit meh but I reckon if you offered to swap the clothes for something she does want it would be ok

katekat383 · 25/12/2018 22:09

Getting less than her sibling. Lovely. Poor girl.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 25/12/2018 22:12

It can be hard to buy for teens who don't really have hobbies.

My teen dd got light up peg lights and I printed a load of photos of her with her friends to go in them (( photo wall ))

Lush bath bomb

A beano (( never too old ))

New phone case

Avocado pjs and socks.

Make up. (( picked up bits of urban decay in the 40% off flash sales including the new eye pallette ))

I wouldnt buy clothes unless specifically asked. Id have a.sit down with her and.clear a.day to.do something together. It isnt the lack of gifts that will upset her. It's the.lack of thought and the feelimg that you don't know her.

iamthewalrusgoogoogjoob · 25/12/2018 22:21

Can't you ask her though what she'd like? Even if she doesn't ask for anything?!
It does sound pretty meh. I'd take her out shopping.