Dd upset at amount of money we spent on her

[Pawprintjoy]

Dd (16) got an Apple Mac and reading festival tickets from us this year. She’s upset at how much money we spent on her because she told us before that Apple Macs are too expensive and we thought we’d invest in something she would love but she has gone upstairs after saying she doesn’t want it because it is way too expensive and she will break it and that she only asked for a cheap laptop to do school work on (she already has a computer but it’s very slow) , has now disappeared upstairs to think she’s abit ungrateful ?

Hi op give her time she sounds like she's full of anxiety and doesn't know how to handle such a massive gift. Sit her down and tell her you know she would be happy with a cheaper model but you wanted her to have the best as u love her to pieces just reassure her that it's ok

Amazon have tablets on offer at the moment.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0794ZL74C/ref=ods_cc_tabl_karn?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Not a laptop, but portable and for about £5 month you can get word for it. Perhaps she might like this as well as something that is of little earthly use to her .

I was the OP's DD when I was a kid. Parents lurching from one financial crisis to another, expensive presents for me at Christmas and birthdays while they were struggling to pay the mortgage. Blowing money on holidays abroad and squabbling about money after I'd gone to bed the other 50 weeks of the year. Sometimes the presents were things I'd have loved, but the backdrop of the circumstances in which they were given took the shine off them once I was old enough to understand a bit more. I don't think my parents had a clue how mixed my emotions were when I played a CD on the expensive hi-fi or typed up homework on the word processor.

I hated it. It's contributed massively to my having lifelong anxiety about money. I really hope the OP is able to step back and realise what her lifestyle is doing to her daughter. I'm not optimistic but I do hope.

My daughter got a Mac at 13 for school and it lasted until she was 18 then she sold it online and upgraded to another Mac for uni , it was a great investment , she did her GCSEs and A level work on it , she bought it herself by saving and selling childhood things she no longer needed , I'm sure once your daughter starts using it she will enjoy having it . Apple are very good at customer service if you need them . What a thoughtful daughter you have .

Based on your final comment I would say your DD is really anxious and will need keeping an eye on.
It sounds as if she is really concerned about the stability of the family, this latest good fortune sounds at odds to what life has been previously and I think she is very concerned.
Rightly or wrongly it sounds as if she needs stability and calmness and whilst your expensive gesture was well intended I wonder if she needs more levelled gestures and surroundings to help her feel reassured ongoing.

OP I think your teenage daughter has a better handle on the realities of your finances than you do.

OK - so if she needs a laptop for school it will need to be one where the various stuff she needs can be downloaded - so e.g. word etc. (But school will say ) & also if she chooses universities tend to go down the MS route.

We have a desktop in the house which is apple. It is Big Puter. It does not do half of what a teenager would want but it gets me on to mums net and a bit of internet shopping ocado / amazon and the like but but but - it sits on my desk. It cannot be carried around - hence "desk top" It is not what a teenager would want ( even an up to date one which ours isn't) because school aged or college aged people want a laptop they can stick in their bag and carry around & needs to be compatible with school applications. As I recall , and it is a few years back , Ds ( dyslexic ) always had to have microsoft sw as it was school default - also at university.

Please try to buy her something she can use for school and also her own time. It doesn't need to be an expensive apple type thing. DS had a samsung ( not sure they make them any more ) but also an " acer" is that right ? - i.e. not the most prestigious brand names but they work. I am sure there are better value ones than that.

I am only repeating what other posters have said - but I think it bears repeating. - but all best wishes to your daughter.

I think she was genuinely disappointed that she didn’t get a laptop, any laptop would have done. Instead she is aware that you have bought something she didn’t want, you wanted her to have, and that cost a lot of money that you cant afford. She is hoping you take it back and swap it for a cheap laptop.

My daughter got a Mac at 13 for school and it lasted until she was 18 then she sold it online and upgraded to another Mac for uni , it was a great investment

And was this a desktop computer, or a laptop? Laptop, I'll bet. Her upgrade will certainly have been to a laptop.

Pawprint - if you don't listen to your DD when she tells you what she wants regarding unimportant things (ie material things), don't be surprised if she feels she will never be able to trust you with important ones (ie emotional, spiritual, health-related).

If she feels that you will not listen to her feelings and respect her needs and desires, then she will keep her problems (and all of our lives contain problems) to herself, and may make herself ill one day, worrying about something that you could help her with. Don't let it come to that.

On a practical note, is she worried that an Apple will get stolen at school but a cheaper tablet or laptop won’t get pinched?

My nephew has just confided that he keeps a cheap throwaway mobile in him for the boys who just take things, and keeps his more expensive smartphone at home.

OP-have you bought her a desktop rather than the laptop she wanted?

Cut her some slack. A lot of kids her age don’t have the first clue about the value of money and would want the most expensive regardless of whether their parents can afford it. My DS can be a bit like that but on the flip side he sometimes sees the reality of money and realises that he can achieve what he wants with a lesser amount of outlay. Please don’t make this about you.

As an example, my sixteen year old went out shopping with my DP for a keyboard. He saw one which he liked, but dp and the salesman talked him into wanting/needing the greater model which was also a significant amount of money more than the one he would have been happy with. They ordered it to be delivered two days later. DS arrived home and told me that he was uncomfortable with the fact that he A, had been talked into this item and actually felt he hadn’t had an input, and that B, if he had the more expensive one, he would feel under greater pressure to use it all the time etc.

What then happened was that DP had ordered a lesser item for himself which then arrived and he didn’t like but DS did. So at this point I persuaded DP to cancel the more expensive one he’d ordered and let ds have the cheaper one, and so everyone was happy.

My ds can be absolutely awful with money and expectation, but when he gets it he gets it, iyswim, and so I hold on to that.

Not ALL Sixteen-year-old girls want flashy presents. I suspect your daughter would be happier with makeup, chocolate, music and films

You should apologise

Weary I’m pretty sure the majority of posters saying that haven’t RTFT and don’t get that it’s a desktop not a laptop that the OP bought her daughter. If this info had been made clearer in the initial post, opinion here would be 100% against the OP. But now the OP will probably use these posts by people who haven’t read as justification for her rubbish decisions.

I can’t believe the number of posters saying she’s ‘anxious’ - it’s so obvious to me that she’s pissed off that you threw money at a present she did not want and she’s covering her disappointment with a story about not wanting to break it...

Totally agree with weary.

If you ask someone what they want, and you can afford it, FFS GET IT FOR THEM!

Don't get what YOU think they should have wanted.

Maybe she feels bad about getting an expensive gift because after Xman you'll use this fact against her? "We spent sooo much money on your present, and you (insert something you disapprove of)"

My eldest moans about the amount we spend on her all the time. She turned 17 just before Christmas so her main present was a car. She also moaned as I’d iriginally said she wouldn’t be getting much on Christmas day due to getting the car, insurance, tax, driving lessons etc but I still managed to go OTT. I got “the look” when she came downstairs but I enjoy buying for people, it gives me huge pleasure. I’m sure your daughter was just a little overwhelmed and I’m sure she wasn’t being ungrateful, just didn’t know how to react.

My eldest moans about the amount we spend on her all the time. She turned 17 just before Christmas so her main present was a car. She also moaned as I’d iriginally said she wouldn’t be getting much on Christmas day due to getting the car, insurance, tax, driving lessons etc but I still managed to go OTT

Thing is presents like this pit so much pressure on the recipient. Believe it or not but a brand new shiny expensive white elephant gift is the worst nightmare.

As well as being too petrified to use it you are also pressured to constantly use it.

Impossible situation and far to much of a burden on someone so young

I think you could maybe apologise to her for buying something she expressly told you she didn’t want. That kind of gift is a burden, to be honest, and engenders a feeling of helplessness - you didn’t listen to her. I know you meant it with all the best reasons and with a good and loving heart, but as someone who has as a teen been the recipient of just such a gesture knows, it can feel crushing.

@Gileswithachainsaw Thing is presents like this pit so much pressure on the recipient. Believe it or not but a brand new shiny expensive white elephant gift is the worst nightmare.

- which is why , now my son is 21 we give him a cheque. Sometimes more , sometimes less , depending on what we can afford at that time , but up to him. I may just have told him these are to be saved up for something useful rather than invested in Wine Women and Song - though do cross reference the George Best story.

OP if you do come back - if she needed a laptop for school a little bit of research could have given her something which works for school and probably would have cost you less money.

But - hey

Does DD ever have to take laptop into school. If so no wonder she has reacted the way she has. Probably terrified she will or break it. Or is there a chance she could be bullied for having such an expensive item. Could you take it back, get something she would be more comfortable having. All good intentions etc etc etc.

@manicmij It's a desktop, she won't be lugging that anywhere!

Sorry, didn't appreciate that. Has DD experience of using an Apple system as I know it can be very frustrating changing from Microsoft to Apple? Good luck, sure time will resolve issue.

Thing is presents like this pit so much pressure on the recipient. Believe it or not but a brand new shiny expensive white elephant gift is the worst nightmare.

Agreed Giles the hing with being given a large, expensive and often un-asked for gift is that it's all about the giver. Look how generous i've been, I know what you want more than you do. Where as actually most of the time the receiver was right all along, and what they may be asking for isn't necessarily as expensive or flash but it's what they want and will use.

I would hate to be brought something as expensive as a Mac desktop computer, or god forbid a car as you have to pretend to be grateful when in reality you neither wanted nor asked for it.