Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to take brothers presents back after they open them?

237 replies

ThatPeskyElf · 24/12/2018 10:11

2 brothers.
Neither have their own kids/family/bills (other than mobile bill) etc. One lives with my dad, the other with my mum (neither pay rent so all their income is theirs).
Just found out from my mum that neither have bought my daughter an Xmas gift.

I’m a skint single parent and I have bought them a nice tshirt each from Next. Can’t afford it, but it’s xmas.

My daughter doesn’t see her dad, none of his family bother with her. Only other gifts she gets are from me, my mum and my dad.
I know xmas shouldn’t be about getting gifts but I’m so upset they aren’t buying for my daughter as they’ve overspent on their Xmas do’s etc.
One bro has bought spas days for step
Mother and step sisters (2), other has bought for 3 of his friends kids.
We are close, have a good relationship... so why don’t they love their niece enough to buy for her when they spend so much on others?!!!!

Aibu to give them their tshirts that I’ve already wrapped then take them back after they’ve opened them if they do not produce a gift for my dd?? I would spend the money on taking my dd out somewhere before she goes back to school.

I’d never expect a gift for me from them, I host them here on Xmas day, they’re just cf aren’t they?!

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 24/12/2018 12:02

Quite surprised people are so concerned about the feelings of 2 fully grown adults. So what if they are embarrassed! They should be! They caused this

I'm not concerned about their feelings. I'm concerned about you'd. You'd be laughable and look absolutely pathetic. If a family member of mine did what you're proposing, you'd be the talk of family events for months to come. I'm actually cringing just reading that you'd suggest doing that. I think you'd look absolutely ridiculous.

Just don't give the gift.

Maelstrop · 24/12/2018 12:06

You're hosting them? I hope they've paid towards the food/booze? If they, turn up expecting to be fed and entertained with no presents for your dd, they deserve to be spoken to, strongly.

10PollyPockets · 24/12/2018 12:19

If it's upsetting you this much then you should either talk to them or ask your mum to. I would either text them saying "excited for tomorrow, just prepping the dinner now. What did you get Dd for Christmas?" Then it gives them time to think oh shit and go out today and buy something. Or ask your mum to have a word with them.
I agree it's bad they haven't bought her a present especially as you are hosting!

Cleo18 · 24/12/2018 12:22

You have been told YABU. I can't believe that horrible, entitled, poisonous mindset. And you are passing that on to your daughter.

If you don't like these people don't spend time with them, don't buy for them. You should be making your DD's Christmas special so that she remembers that her Mum made it lovely for her and was happy. Not that Christmas was a nasty occasion full of fighting and bad behaviour.

Our kids had few presents - and now they are older we have agreed to do no presents at all. We have too much stuff, and we are concentrating on playing games, talks, walks, tv, and being together. My kids, (teens) want this. And when they were little - the stuff they did get was mostly irrelevant.

What I remember from Christmas as a child is my dad having time off work to play with us, my mum getting a bit tidly and laughing, my lovely grandmother staying with us, playing scrabble and charades and going on the obligatory "walk" - which we actually loved. No memories of "stuff" at all!

dontgobaconmyheart · 24/12/2018 12:31

OP I know you're upset but frankly...it hasn't even happened yet so don't ruin the run up to Xmas for yourself by fixating on it. Yes it would be rude of them to come over and not get you DD a gift but this whole attitude is hardly a demonstration of the spirit of Christmas is it Confused.
Hopefully they'll turn up with a token gift but if they don't I can't see any benefit to creating drama, it would just be embarrassing and hardly improve Xmas for your DD.
If you couldn't have afforded more premium gifts for others you needn't have got them and you can't hold them responsible for the fact you chose to really and use it as ammunition. Just get the money back if you want, politely explain you're disappointed after the days over if you must (if the no gift thing even happens) and deal with the situation maturely. I'd not want my DD picking up on any of this, or sharing the view that gifts at Xmas are any indication of how much someone loves you/your self worth, or that you're entitled to one and should shame people who don't reciprocate- It's everything that's wrong with the festive season.
I hope all turns out well on the day, there's nothing wrong with feeling protective of DD and being upset at a stressful time of year - nobody is critiquing that but what you choose to do with that is the important thing. Whether they 'started it or not' , you're potentially ruining your own Xmas here!

LoniceraJaponica · 24/12/2018 12:38

Glad you've seen sense OP. The stunt will backfire and reflect very badly on you. I would do as user1486250399 suggested. This will embarrass them, but not make you look vindictive.

SlowDown76mph · 24/12/2018 12:48

Your mother should be giving them a serious prod, not stirring you up.

Angrybird345 · 24/12/2018 12:50

Take the T-shirt’s back.... buy them some chocs instead.

CarolDanvers · 24/12/2018 12:51

I'd do it.

MrsBuckettt · 24/12/2018 12:54

Are you sure your mum didn't mean they haven't got her a gift YET? They may get one today

Butterflysprinkles · 24/12/2018 12:54

Id leave the presents upstairs and if they produce a gift then go get them and if they dont say. I was going to get you something but you didnt get something so I took them back. Then take them back.

I wouldnt give them to unwrap and then just snatch them back off them..

cheesydoesit · 24/12/2018 12:55

Why should op's mum be reminding her son's to buy their niece a gift? They know how to choose good gifts, they just take op and her daughter for granted. I'm glad you aren't going ahead with your plan op but you should definately pull back and don't go into debt to appease them. No gifts next year. I assume you are paying for and cooking all the Christmas food for everyone too while they spend their money on themselves and their step families? No wonder you're pissed off, I wouldnt bother anymore.

WorraLiberty · 24/12/2018 12:57

We are close, have a good relationship

But not close enough to ask them why they haven't bought a gift for your child at Christmas? Confused

Opening your mouth and speaking to them like an adult, is far better than any petty little plan to return gifts.

Butchyrestingface · 24/12/2018 12:58

Just found out from my mum that neither have bought my daughter an Xmas gift.

What does your mum think, incidentally?

Littleraindrop15 · 24/12/2018 13:03

Why don't you just text them both asking what they have brought their niece??

I would word it so it sounds like hoping not to have brought the same gift or something. She's so super excited about presents this year.

icannotremember · 24/12/2018 13:03

You will look far worse than they do and you'll likely be ridiculed. You could also expect your brothers to have no respect for you from that point on - nor anybody else in the room as it would be so uncomfortable.

This is bollocks. I mean, clearly some nasty people like the one who posted the comment I quoted would ridicule you and 'lose all respect' Confused but most people would recognise that you were hurt for your dd and making a point about your selfish brothers.

OhdDarlingClementine · 24/12/2018 13:05

I'd do as a PP said. Nip out today to a supermarket if you can and buy two small couple of quid things for DD. Wrap them up and label them as from your brothers. When they arrive empty handed, give them to her and let them open them in front of them feigning 'oh look what uncle x got you'.

That'll embarrass them more and you can paint it as you didn't want DD to think her uncles didn't care.

Return the stuff you got for your brothers when you can.

My extremely well off brothers never bothered with my DC either. I remember one Christmas one of them bought a massive playset for our sister's DC. Lots of parcels all opened to lots of oohhhs and aaahhs in front of everyone. My DC got diddly squat, even though we'd always got him a present (he was single) and he knew we'd be there.

thethoughtfox · 24/12/2018 13:05

Take them in a bag and if they don't buy your child a present, discreetly take them back home so they don't know you brought them. You can't take back a present. It will ruin Christmas.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 24/12/2018 13:07

I'm glad you're not going to lower yourself with petty antics Thatpeskyelf, all it would do is cause arguments and bad feeling because let's be honest here - selfish people tend to get defensive when pulled up. It would only ruin yours and dds Christmas Day after all the effort and expense of hosting them which would make you feel even worse.

It's all fine and well for people to say they're not obliged to give a present, what hurts is that they don't want to, the feeling that your child doesn't enter their heads despite the fact they've remembered Christmas = gifts for other people!

It's pretty shit but it would make me think about pulling back a little bit, making less effort for people who take me and mine for granted. Funnily enough, when I've actually done that in the past with some family and friends I've found that those who had previously taken a lot for granted suddenly upped their game!

Juells · 24/12/2018 13:07

That'll embarrass them more and you can paint it as you didn't want DD to think her uncles didn't care.

haha you haven't known many CFs, have you? They'll think it's a great idea and realise they never have to bother again as the OP will do it.

speakingtruthfully · 24/12/2018 13:11

Firstly you don't give a present with the expectation of receiving one ( for either yourself or daughter ) you should be giving because you want to give

Secondly you will be teaching your daughter exactly what a nasty poisonous time Christmas can be involving money and family if you go ahead with this plan of yours
Either give with good grace or don't mention them and take back for a refund

I think your brothers are behaving completely thoughtlessly but you can be better than them

slappinthebass · 24/12/2018 13:22

I like the idea of holding them back and not giving them unless they produce gifts themselves. How old is DD?

diddl · 24/12/2018 13:25

Do they usually bother?

So you're hosting the & they can't even bother to get your daughter something?

I'd be tempted not to host tbh.

jessstan2 · 24/12/2018 13:30

I'm hoping your mother is wrong and that they have bought your daughter a gift. Young men are often lazy about buying presents but do it all at the last minute. I don't understand why your mum hasn't given them a nudge, most mums would! However it may all work out.

Give them their gifts, they are bought now.

Have a good Christmas. Flowers Wine

BrokenWing · 24/12/2018 13:37

Extended family presents are typically sent at a household level so I would have no expectation for siblings still living with a parent to send my children presents.

OK if they are children/not working yet, but adult men earning their own wage, but still living at home? Really? Unless they add to the present expenses and help with ideas/shopping, that isn't household level presents that is infantilising adults, encouraging them to be selfish, and letting them off the hook.