Aibu to take brothers presents back after they open them?

[ThatPeskyElf]

2 brothers.
Neither have their own kids/family/bills (other than mobile bill) etc. One lives with my dad, the other with my mum (neither pay rent so all their income is theirs).
Just found out from my mum that neither have bought my daughter an Xmas gift.

I’m a skint single parent and I have bought them a nice tshirt each from Next. Can’t afford it, but it’s xmas.

My daughter doesn’t see her dad, none of his family bother with her. Only other gifts she gets are from me, my mum and my dad.
I know xmas shouldn’t be about getting gifts but I’m so upset they aren’t buying for my daughter as they’ve overspent on their Xmas do’s etc.
One bro has bought spas days for step
Mother and step sisters (2), other has bought for 3 of his friends kids.
We are close, have a good relationship... so why don’t they love their niece enough to buy for her when they spend so much on others?!!!!

Aibu to give them their tshirts that I’ve already wrapped then take them back after they’ve opened them if they do not produce a gift for my dd?? I would spend the money on taking my dd out somewhere before she goes back to school.

I’d never expect a gift for me from them, I host them here on Xmas day, they’re just cf aren’t they?!

Sorry no, agree with everyone else.

You can't do this. Right now, you have the moral high ground and the opportunity to make them feel like shit, but if you do your plan, you will be the one in the wrong and their crazy sister who ruined Christmas, it will be you, not them, that will be seen as the bad guy in this.

Call them today, not your mum, ask if they have anything for your dd as mum said they didn't. If the answer is no, tell them you will return the gift you got for them and buy something they can gift dd instead. That you are really disappointed they've done this.

Then be the bigger person.

Thanks to a few nice posters who talked me down off the ledge... pressies will be hidden until they give dd a gift, otherwise will be returned to shop. Didn’t think of this, just got so upset, Christmas is a tough time when you try to be everything for everyone then those same people have no thought or respect in return. I’m only human to have a knee jerk reaction to other people’s shitty behaviour.

I love my brothers, but I’m sick of feeling that I and my dd are always bottom of the pile. So thanks to all the mean posters, thank goodness I don’t have you in my family to have to contend with also.

And no I don’t buy for my daughter to receive, it’s xmas, it’s just what you do. -See previous comment.

Off to precook everyone’s Xmas dinners now, I’m such a cuntish person 🙄

I can understand why you’re paused off giving a gift and then taking it back is just pathetic. Don’t give it at all. If you must say ‘I had got you both presents but am taking them back for a refund because blah blah blah’.

Slightly different scenario in our house but because of bil’s lack of consistency with buying Ds gifts at Christmas or on his birthday (he has 2 dc which I’ve bought for without fail) we decided to draw a line under gift giving and last year said that we wouldn’t be buying for nieces and nephews anymore (I have lots on my side too) Not singling him out but doing it collectively.

Tbh it did us a favour and other family have agreed that it was a good decision.

Going back to bil though, the decision has made me feel less angry each year when Ds either got fuck all or some shite from Poundland.

I would stop buying your db gifts from now on. I would take the t shirts back and spend the money on your dd. Honestly, when next year comes around you won’t have to feel this way.

Btw How do you know both of them haven’t bought your dd anything?

I'm not surprised you're angry. Xmas is much more exciting for kids. I'm sure they could find £5 to buy your DD a gift. I think they're incredibly mean, and I wouldn't give them anything.

I'm pretty amazed you're hosting, to be honest. I hope they're bringing booze!

I think giving then taking back would show them that I bothered to buy them something

But if you give them the gift it's theirs - you can't take it back cos it's not yours anymore. What if they won't give it back?

By all means take the gifts with you and when they don't produce a gift for your DD return them. You can even show them the gifts you bought if you really want to and explain you'll be returning them and spending the money on DD instead, but I just cannot see the point in giving them then demanding them back.

And maybe they will be buying something today. You could text them and say you heard they haven't bought anything yet and thought they may be struggling for ideas at this late stage so DD would love (insert something they can actually get on Christmas Eve and at a decent budget). Much better than making a scene and looking petty on Christmas Day surely?

They don't sound nice AT ALL but taking back anything would be U... just remember this in the future and act accordingly. Wishing you a good xmas!

Same happened with my brother and my children, I stopped buying and giving cards, we fell it over it but Speak again now. But never give anything.
Have a lovely Christmas and I'm sure you'll make your dc Christmas a great one without your selfish brothers input.
Your fantastic for doing them dinner! Don't give them any roast potatoes!

Roast potatoes are all mine!

Your brothers are definitely CFers if they turn up empty-handed to your house tomorrow.

Why didn’t your mum tell them to get something for your DD? That would have been the perfect opportunity.

If you have a close and good relationship with them, I’d text them right now and say what you explained here, your DD not getting presents from her father or his family so could they please make sure she has something to open from your brothers tomorrow. They still have time to get something, easily.

Your brothers need to be told they’re CFers but try and do it without unnecessary drama of taking presents off them. Talk to them instead

Keep the presents back, then if they definitely haven't bought anything for your DD, just say "oh I hadn't realised that we weren't exchanging gifts this year, silly me. Well obviously I don't want to embarrass you by giving you something, so I'll take these back." That way they know you did buy for them, but you don't have to give them anything. Next year, call them up before Christmas and say "I'm just checking whether we're exchanging gifts this year or not?"

I can understand that you're hurt on your daughter's behalf OP but your suggestion is dreadful. You will look far worse than they do and you'll likely be ridiculed. You could also expect your brothers to have no respect for you from that point on - nor anybody else in the room as it would be so uncomfortable.

You're the adult - speak to them and put them on the spot, but without an audience and all the drama that you're planning because I can almost guarantee that you (and your daughter by default), will come off worst.

No I woulden't give it to them, return them, and use the money to treat you and dd.

You don't buy to receive, but you don't want to be a mug either.

Personally I think YABU to even withhold their presents. Extended family presents are typically sent at a household level so I would have no expectation for siblings still living with a parent to send my children presents.

I wouldn't give them to them.

I can't believe that they would turn up at your house to be hosted empty handed.
Don't know how anyone could do this.
How rude, especially u being a broke single mum.

Why did your mum not say anything to them?

There is still time, maybe they will get something for her. Just hold the gift back and if they don't get anything for your DD then mention something about not realising you would not be doing gifts so at least they know u got them something. Otherwise they will b none the wiser.

Can you ask your Mum to have a quiet word with them, telling them how much it would mean to your daughter, even if it's only a chocolate Santa or something? It's pretty thoughtless, but if pointed out, they may see the error of their ways. There's still time to buy as the shops don't shut till later afternoon.

Just in case they still turn up empty handed, you could take a photo of the presents - wrapped and unwrapped - and say this is what I was going to give you, but I'm taking them back after Xmas to get DD something instead. (Agree with others that you can't actually hand over the presents and then take them back as they would no longer be your property, for one thing.) Do they buy you anything? You mentioned they buy for step sisters. If they buy for you, maybe they think they don't need to buy for your DD as well. (Not saying that's right, just what they may say.)

dont blame u dd my dsis is a bit like this will try andplease friends other no timportant people but not her own family

hope it goes well and try and enjoy

@Juells I have two teenage children and neither of them have ever received a Christmas or Birthday card from their Grandfather. He asks after them much like you would a distant cousin who you know and don’t wish them any harm but wouldn’t otherwise give much thought. I talk to him for about 10 minutes 2 or 3 times a year. He will be one of these people in care homes who mention how awful his daughter/grandchildren are for not caring/visiting more. 🤷‍♀️

It’s his loss though!

I think some were just trying to advise you not to make a scene on Christmas Day. It's Mumsnet people are often blunt to put it mildly!

I'd be annoyed too but judgement call this year, no present given then after the event i would ask them if you are close, is there a reason you don't buy a present for your niece? She doesn't have a lot of relatives a little token gift might be nice?

take gift back & give them cheap smellies (that way if they surprise you are still in right) to do what you say will make others uncomfortable including your mum & daughter - forget your anger it is as other say a bad idea

Did your mum not say to your brothers don’t forget to buy your neice a Christmas present when see knew that they hadn’t got her anything at the time?

I have a brother like this. I have recently discovered that the presents I thought he was buying my kids were actually bought by my mum who covered up for him for years. My mum passed away earlier this year so I know for sure 'he' won't be buying anything for my kids. For the first time I won't be buying him anything - he can bugger off. I actually can't wait to see his entitled face drop when he realises there is nothing under the tree for him.

No to making a scene on Christmas Day, my niece is in a similar position with her Dad and family and Me and DH try to fill the gap. It's crappy behaviour to forget your niece, and I get why your annoyed.