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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to take brothers presents back after they open them?

237 replies

ThatPeskyElf · 24/12/2018 10:11

2 brothers.
Neither have their own kids/family/bills (other than mobile bill) etc. One lives with my dad, the other with my mum (neither pay rent so all their income is theirs).
Just found out from my mum that neither have bought my daughter an Xmas gift.

I’m a skint single parent and I have bought them a nice tshirt each from Next. Can’t afford it, but it’s xmas.

My daughter doesn’t see her dad, none of his family bother with her. Only other gifts she gets are from me, my mum and my dad.
I know xmas shouldn’t be about getting gifts but I’m so upset they aren’t buying for my daughter as they’ve overspent on their Xmas do’s etc.
One bro has bought spas days for step
Mother and step sisters (2), other has bought for 3 of his friends kids.
We are close, have a good relationship... so why don’t they love their niece enough to buy for her when they spend so much on others?!!!!

Aibu to give them their tshirts that I’ve already wrapped then take them back after they’ve opened them if they do not produce a gift for my dd?? I would spend the money on taking my dd out somewhere before she goes back to school.

I’d never expect a gift for me from them, I host them here on Xmas day, they’re just cf aren’t they?!

OP posts:
Pinknike · 24/12/2018 10:36

I'm not concerned about their feelings.

I'm concerned that you make a fool of yourself, cause a scene, make everyone think you're petty and spiteful, and potentially cause upset in front of your dd.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Your plan for revenge is silly and childish.

You'd be far, far better off to just either give your brothers nothing at all. Or to talk to them and tell them you're hurt and disappointed they've not bothered with their niece.

Happypie · 24/12/2018 10:36

I feel sorry for your poor DD, to have a mum who would rather ruin Christmas than just deal with things like an adult. Stop being such an attention seeking drama queen.

TheBigBangRocks · 24/12/2018 10:37

They are under no obligation whatsoever to gift a present to their niece. Given you have nothing nice to say about them whatsoever perhaps that's why they haven't bothered.

Giving them gifts you plan to return is awful behaviour and think of the role model it sets to your daughter, if she's old enough to notice no gift she's old enough to understand what you are doing.

You shouldn't have spent money on next clothing you couldn't afford in the first place.

It's not their fault they have more money, you were free to make the same adult choices as them but didn't.

NotTerfNorCis · 24/12/2018 10:37

What if they refuse to hand them back after opening them?

TheLittlestLightOnTheTree · 24/12/2018 10:38

God, I hate Christmas. This kind of shit reminds me why

ChristmasFlary · 24/12/2018 10:38

How on earth would you get the gifts back once you've given them? Very odd.

I can completely understand how upset you are but just don't give them.

Pachyderm1 · 24/12/2018 10:38

You absolutely can’t give them and then take them back - that would be rude and passive aggressive. If you know they haven’t bought your DD a gift and you really dont want to let it go, just don’t give them the t-shirts in the first place.

pasturesgreen · 24/12/2018 10:38

OP, if you go ahead with your plan, as you seem determined to do, a scene will almost certainly ensue. Do you really think that Christmas Day is the time to prove a point?

Your brothers might not be willing to give their presents back, once you've given them. Then what? Are you planning to wrestle the t-shirts out of their hands?

ChloMaloe · 24/12/2018 10:39

How do you even know they haven't got her anything? A lot of men I know are only starting their Xmas shopping todayConfused

Mayra1367 · 24/12/2018 10:40

Get your daughter to give them the gifts . See them squirm , they must have a lot of disposable income so think they are mean for bit buying their niece a gift .

Purplespup16 · 24/12/2018 10:40

No don’t take the items back. How old is your DD? If not old enough to know then don’t give them anything until something has been produced for your DD, return to the shop if they don’t give her anything.

If old enough give them their presents and watch them squirm in embarrassment at both for your DD.

Next year don’t buy them ANYTHING. If they question it then say because they left your DD out this year you assumed no presents were needed!

My heart goes out to you and your DD. My Dad (!!) has been hit and miss when it comes to presents... it was my 30th birthday and he called me to say a quick happy birthday but he needed advice on what to buy my cousin for her birthday that was 2 weeks later. No card let alone present appeared from him. My parents have never been together and I was an accident, so it wasn’t a case of my mum sorting it.

The convo went
Me: Hello,
Dad: Happy Birthday, I need your help picking your Cousin’s present I can spend £40...
Me: It’s my 30th today.
Dad: I know, I said happy birthday...
Me: And you want my advice for Cousin’s present?
Dad: Yes that’s why I called!

I hung up on him. 😟 He’s dumpster dived for my presents in the past if he found something I got it, if not no present. I’ve had presents from petrol stations, and he refused to do Father Christmas as I was too old (I was 9). It wasn’t a case of he couldn’t afford it either!

She will know how much her Mummy loves her though and while it might hurt that will ease it!

OhLemons · 24/12/2018 10:40

Nobody is obligated to buy your children gifts. I understand your disappointment but you don't get to control who others buy for.

By all means take the tshirts back and spend the money on your daughter instead. Your plan to give the gifts and take them back is terrible. It just highlights in the worst way that you think your child is entitled to gifts.

If you feel like having a grown up conversation with them about it then do so.

ComeOnComeOnComeOnGetThroughIt · 24/12/2018 10:41

Text them now and ask them what they've got for DD. The shops are still open. It's not too late for them to save themselves from monumental Christmas arseholery.

ABoozedMoose · 24/12/2018 10:41

So you just want to fuck up everybody's Christmas by creating an awkward atmosphere just to make a point.

Don't give them their presents. Get a refund later in the week. Do NOT go ahead with the silly charade which will make everybody (including your daughter) feel really uncomfortable and will make you look a bit deranged and petty

AWishForWingsThatWork · 24/12/2018 10:41

Unwrap their presents now and return them to Next for a full refund.

Do it today if you can.

Give them each a card from you and your DC.

Juells · 24/12/2018 10:42

You host them on Christmas Day and they don't give either you or your DC a present? Fuck 'em.

If you're not sure, when they arrive ask if they'd like you to put their presents under the tree for your DC. That way, if they've brought nothing for either of you you'll know not to give them anything, and to be passive aggressive the whole time they're there! Grin

Isth · 24/12/2018 10:43

You’ll look a complete fool if you do that, very immature. I’d wait and see if thy had anything for your daughter, if so, presents all round, if not, leave their presents unopened in the car and return them.

Yulebealrite · 24/12/2018 10:43

If you are determined to confront them in this way and embarrass them, why not just have the conversation today so that they have a chance to go and buy something today? Can't be any more embarrassing or confrontational than what you have planned, and far more civilised.

whiskeysourpuss · 24/12/2018 10:43

We are close, have a good relationship...

You can kiss goodbye to this if you go ahead with your ridiculous plan!

Just talk to them FFS!

MargueritaPink · 24/12/2018 10:43

User1946s idea is great

It is. The OP's plan is petty and bonkers.

OP should have prioritised from the outset. I don't understand the mindset here
I’m a skint single parent and I have bought them a nice tshirt each from Next. Can’t afford it, but it’s xmas

Why does "xmas" mean this has to happen? It was perfectly reasonable to tell adult siblings you can't afford it. Frankly it is perfectly reasonable not to give grown-up siblings anything with no explanation.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 24/12/2018 10:43

Don't be so bloody childish and horrible!

Yes, I know and completely understand its upsetting for you that they potentially haven't got anything for your daughter but you are an adult - act like one!

Do they have a close relationship with your daughter? A lot of people don't buy for someone just because they're related. Maybe they will have something,who knows, but you need to be an adult about it. And you certainly don't give to receive!

Springmachine · 24/12/2018 10:43

It's petty to take its back after giving it.

But it's fine to ask db's - why didn't you get your niece a present?

My DB who is young and still lives with parents is exceptionally flush with cash and buys everything he could eve want.
He didn't buy some of his nephews presents for their first birthday presents.
When asked why he just said that they were too young to remember and will get a lot anyway.
And it's true.
He then splashed out on buying something that was extra useful for us at the time.
He is always late with a present and sometimes needs reminding.
I think sometimes to be a gift giver it's something that has to be taught and learnt and for these young men who maybe don't ha e a girlfriend and hide themselves from family most of the time in front of a pc, they don't have the time or inclination that there is anything else going on in the world that matters.

TooTrueToBeGood · 24/12/2018 10:44

It is being cuntish despite all your protestations. You're just dropping down to their level and then going a fair bit lower. Maybe they're not buying your DD presents because they just don't like you very much. I can't imagine why. You crack on though and risk spoiling christmas for everyone just so you can score points.

Juells · 24/12/2018 10:44

@Purplespup16 Bloody hell, that takes the biscuit :( What a shit.

Juells · 24/12/2018 10:46

Gosh there are so many high-minded people posting on this thread. Ignore them OP, I'd be pissed off as well. Your brothers are shitty if they don't get your DD a present.