To make DH unwrap and rewrap presents for me?

[MincePieMum]

I want him to re-wrap my presents in the correct paper. Am I being a dick? Sorry this is long.

Every year DH stays up until 12/1/2am Christmas Eve and our DS is still young and giddy with excitement; he's prone to waking veeerrry early Christmas Day. Last year it was 4am and we did everything we could to get him back to bed but failed. This year will be no different. DH is then grumpy all day as he's not had enough sleep. Always promises next year will be different. I've been trying really hard to make this year easy on all of us. I've been wrapping a few presents a night for most of December.

I have done all the present buying for everyone including his family. Including oversees family and getting cards and presents written/posted in time.

We both work full time. He finished for Christmas more than a week ago, he had all of last week off. I finished for Christmas on Saturday lunchtime.

We've just had a massive argument over Christmas presents.

I asked him to come upstairs and help me sort through presents as I was having a massive twitch over DS present pile looking expensively small. He asked "do I have to do it now?" And I replied "how long shall I wait for you?" It turns out he meant to say "I don't want to, can't you worry about it now, then fix it all for us so that I can carry on not giving a fuck?"

When he finally came up to help, we went through it all and he agrees the pile and stocking are both small. Now he wants to buy cheap plastic tat to pad it out with. I don't as I've done this in previous years. DS doesn't play with the tat and it will still be littering our planet 1000 years from now, still with the gift tag on. I'm being negative apparently.

I suggested giving one of my presents to DS instead. One of the presents I bought myself and put in a box in his wardrobe, in front of him, saying "here are 3 Christmas presents I really want this year. I bought them, all you need to do is wrap them". Because I tried the same thing last year and he didn't bother to wrap the present I bought myself, he just moved it along the shelf a little towards my side of the bed. Didn't put it under the tree or give it to me in person. So when I suggested my present for DS, he looked completely blank. He'd forgotten.

I asked what he had wrapped last week when he made a big show of hiding upstairs to wrap, when he'd been home alone all day and I'd just got in with DS from school and needed a quick turnaround to get him back out for football. No he hadnt cooked dinner.
He has got me other things, which is great, but it turns out he has used the paper that is only for gifts that come from Santa.

I had told him I was doing this. I told him last year that we should have separate paper, but he refused as he'd left everything to the last minute. I don't want a present for DS from Santa to be wrapped in the same paper as a present from DH to me. DS is going to suss and I'd rather not risk it. He agreed or he didn't listen and nodded in the right places.

So we've argued about all of this because I'm pissed and wouldn't let him off the hook. I'm not going to back down on this. Unless the general consensus is that I'm being a dick.

Please don't worry about the size of DC's pile. It is the love that goes with it that matters - and time spent with him playing with his presents and talking to him.

I have always done Christmas throughout my married life - he used to do other things that I didn't. Either do it with a good heart or tell him it's his turn next year.

And the paper?.......sounds a small thing to me.

He sounds a lazy man child. For goodness sake, tell him you’re not doing Christmas next year unless he does 50/50 of the work. Write him a step by step list of what he needs to do if it’ll help not that you should have to

Mincepie I thought your DH wasn’t before but with the added info, he is a real twat.

Sorry but if your ds is soooo peculiar about that sort of things and your DH will KNOW about it, then your DH should actually have VOLUNTEERED to reward the present.

As for work/running the house etc..., as someone who has also been unwell with a DH that didn’t ‘get it’, my advice would be to stop doing things. Hand over some of the responsibility back to him. Make it clear it’s HIS responsibility and do NOT (ever!) do it again for him (well at least for a few years if your DH is like mine. Any hint of me ‘helping’ was always taken as a hint for him to step down and for me to resume normal activities....)
You need to be assertive, much more assertive than you are and learn to put yourself first. Because no one is ever going to put yourself first of you don’t do it for yourself.
It will feel strange to start with, very selfish. But when you are ill, you need to take the time to look after yourself and lace yourself. Which also means not doing things when it’s going to take the last bit of energy you have left (and increase pain).

I would also say that your DH has form for been selfish. Even though you say that your relationship is good, I wouod have a look again. Is it really that good? Is it a one way street or a two way street? Are his wishes/needs always coming first? Is he proving he is making an effort in the areas that are important (caring about you, putting you first from time to time, finances etc...)? But also does he have the opportunity to do so or are you sheltering him all the time, enabling his useless behaviour?

I think your never last night was symptomaticof a much bigger problem. Listen to it.

Op you sound like you’re doing the best you can.

I can’t comment on the ASD element of your DS’s behavior as I have neither the qualifications or experience to do so and it does change expectations for him in how he gets involved in Christmas.

Do the people who you buy all these presents for actually appreciate the strain and effort it adds to your already challenging lives? I hope they are the family who support you the rest of the year.

I would advice people to RTFT or at least the Op’s Last post before commenting.

Mishappening e ds has ASD and would notice that small difference. This would completely spoil Christmas for him, whether you think it’s a big issue or not. Which is why the OP is totally and utterly NOT unreasonable to ask her DH to rewrap. And why HE should have propose to do it in the first place, wo any prompting. But just because he knows his child and cares about him.

The issue isn’t the paper. I think your upset because he doesn’t take responsibility and you bought your own presents.
Sounds a bit manchild - could this be it.
Yabu about the paper but I get why your annoyed

Op,

You say you do not like to drip feed but then do the most massive drip feed!

If you can only wrap 2-3 presents per night, the only presents that really need wrapping are your child’s. Any sane adult would prefer an unwrapped present than one which was wrapped with pain. There are also present wrapping counters at many shops.

You are rather martyring yourself.

OP, if it helps, my ds is severely autistic with learning dis, although he's very very clever in certain areas.His attention to detail is astonishing. He's 19 now and still believes in santa that's despite santa presents being in the same paper, seeing presents hidden in cupboards -wrapped and unwrapped and even catching me in his room one Christmas Eve 😂 Don't panic too much, the wrapping paper may not make the slightest bit of difference for your son ☺

Also, change your clothes for the hugs. You have to build in some changes for their own good. A little one like that will be a good start -it doesn't change the action, only what you are wearing when you perform it.

Everyone should know the Santa paper is different paper . However stop Infantilising him and buying presents for yourself and leave him to it .

ASD son here too who has the memory of an elephant. He remembered the wrapping paper from the year before and commented that it was the same as Santa's. I said yes because l try and help Santa by wrapping your gifts ready for him to bring Christmas eve.

DS is 15 now and even now l have to be prepared to do the same things the same way for ...well ...maybe forever.... unless he deems it possible to change.

Bless you OP, that all sounds really tough

I hope you have a lovely Christmas together and work out some better gift habits in future.

I'm sorry OP but you are making Christmas too stressful for yourself! If money is tight then what are you doing buying 40 presents at least? I mean you say you're wrapping two/three a night from beginning of December! Why buy that amount its ludicrous! How many actual parcels do you give DS?

And your MASSIVE drip feed was ridiculous!

Indeed! You can just feel the Christmas spirit flowing through the net can't you Lady?

I feel your pain OP- totally agree that consumables will pad it out for ds- I tend to put the more rubbish stuff at the top of the Christmas sacks.

I think your dh doesn't recognise the effort - next year, (or preferably now in preparation), I'd make a list of all the jobs -deciding on gifts, buying gifts, buying food, wrapping, organising food, cooking etc & assign jobs. My dh isn't very good either & we've flown over to stay at his parents this year. I've not put the usual effort into gifts for his family. I left him to buy Christmas & birthday gift for niece (9 on Boxing Day), & he bought her a Christmas colouring book for her birthday 😒

It's infuriating but don't ruin Christmas over dwelling on it. Look at all there is to do now & ask him what he would like you to do & what he will do. Have a cuppa & watch a film if you can. Hope you manage to have a good Christmas

I’ll make you life easier for next year.

1. Buy yourself exactly what you want for birthdays and christmas and arrange to do something you want to do. Anything he does is then a bonus. Don’t rely on him to make you happy.

1. Stop buying for his relatives. Stop that right now. No suggesting, no reminding, no buying, no wrapping. His family are his responsibility. Every single time i read the very frequent posts on here of angst around gifts and men buying for men’s relatives i wonder, in amazement, why the actual fuck women continue to infantilize their partners. They are capable of buying their own gifts. It is not your reaponsibility.

Hello Mincepiemum

I have not RTWT but have read your posts. I wanted to first of all say I completely get you about Santa's presents having different paper - I am very strict about that myself and my kids don't have ASD and are much older than 7 and still do that! People are being disingenious not to understand that regarding your boy who still just about believes. It makes sense not to want to confuse the kid or let the cat out of the bag before you have to. So I wanted to support you and say I do not think your pissed off ness about the paper is petty AT ALL .

But, I hope after Christmas you will have a sit down with DH and have a very calm and thorough chat about your birthday. Do not wait and see what happens! You know what will happen! However, he needs a proper chat and reminder to be a decent human being regarding your birthday. Get him to reflect back what he must do! I love that you shouted at him once but I got the impression things have slipped again.

Then around September I would sit down with him again and discuss Christmas duties. He is a grown man - surely he can understand the concept of sharing the work??? But you have to stop doing it all and you have to to get him to do his share. And FFS make him buy for his own family too. You both work full time.

The worm has turned .

Give yourself a break, it's all sorted now. Hope you have a lovely Christmas for the rest of it.

Wow... that's one hell of a drip feed! YANBU. Your problems with DH aren't about wrapping paper.

We why can't you just say Santa got the paper in the same place? You're making problems here by having your expectations too high. You need to relax about it and let him do it his way.

Including birthdays - from last week of November, it was 45 gifts to wrap.

Each family member has 3 gifts, two from us and one from DS. It's only fair. DBIL is single and buys each of us a gift, why should couples get to give one gift between them? This is how we do it in our family.

DS has 18 presents, ranging from a large and expensive Lego set to a pen. He will adore them equally, despite the vast difference in cost. Other things like 2 Nintendo games are costly but small. This is the first year he has had a Nintendo and doesn't yet really understand cost vs size. He's just turned 7.

DH has 9 gifts which include pants and socks (ones that he loves and gives him a little cheery lift each day he wears them), work shirts he asked for etc. A book I know he will love and some aftershave.

6 people with 3 gifts each, isn't really a lot when you do the maths. I didn't wrap every day, some days I was too exhausted or my hands too painful. It felt like 'all month' because I wrapped every day that I was able to. Still not brief am I?! I do try!

This is how we do it in our family.

Well maybe you shouldn't as it's causing you a load of stress!!

Nothing has been left to the last minute because it's only still xmas eve. Get him to do it now. I am the same with Santa gifts. Different paper. Sounds like stress of xmas is getting to you. Have a baileys

Each family member has 3 gifts, two from us and one from DS. It's only fair

This is v unnecessary. Surely they aren’t actually expecting a present from your DS? If so that’s very unreasonable as they KNOW it’s just you buying it. So stop doing that from here on out, for a start.

I already thought your DP was awful before your drip feed about your disability making it difficult to gift wrap and him still just sitting back and letting you do it (plus his lack of care for your autistic DS). Him not easing the troubles caused by your disability when he could SO easily is such a massive thing that shows his utter disregard for you so clearly that I really struggle to imagine what good qualities he has that could possibly make up for it?

Btw OP please ignore all the posters saying YANBU. You weren’t remotely being unreasonable before the drip feed, and you certainly aren’t now. Everyone deserves love, care and consideration from their partner. It is the bare minimum and it breaks my heart so many women here clearly don’t have that.

Yanbu at all, op. DH & I have the same system and go to great lengths to hide the Father Xmas wrapping paper. However, my DH has done most of it as he has had more time off than me in the run up to Xmas. He is actually a parent and a husband, for which I am 'lucky'