To make DH unwrap and rewrap presents for me?

[MincePieMum]

I want him to re-wrap my presents in the correct paper. Am I being a dick? Sorry this is long.

Every year DH stays up until 12/1/2am Christmas Eve and our DS is still young and giddy with excitement; he's prone to waking veeerrry early Christmas Day. Last year it was 4am and we did everything we could to get him back to bed but failed. This year will be no different. DH is then grumpy all day as he's not had enough sleep. Always promises next year will be different. I've been trying really hard to make this year easy on all of us. I've been wrapping a few presents a night for most of December.

I have done all the present buying for everyone including his family. Including oversees family and getting cards and presents written/posted in time.

We both work full time. He finished for Christmas more than a week ago, he had all of last week off. I finished for Christmas on Saturday lunchtime.

We've just had a massive argument over Christmas presents.

I asked him to come upstairs and help me sort through presents as I was having a massive twitch over DS present pile looking expensively small. He asked "do I have to do it now?" And I replied "how long shall I wait for you?" It turns out he meant to say "I don't want to, can't you worry about it now, then fix it all for us so that I can carry on not giving a fuck?"

When he finally came up to help, we went through it all and he agrees the pile and stocking are both small. Now he wants to buy cheap plastic tat to pad it out with. I don't as I've done this in previous years. DS doesn't play with the tat and it will still be littering our planet 1000 years from now, still with the gift tag on. I'm being negative apparently.

I suggested giving one of my presents to DS instead. One of the presents I bought myself and put in a box in his wardrobe, in front of him, saying "here are 3 Christmas presents I really want this year. I bought them, all you need to do is wrap them". Because I tried the same thing last year and he didn't bother to wrap the present I bought myself, he just moved it along the shelf a little towards my side of the bed. Didn't put it under the tree or give it to me in person. So when I suggested my present for DS, he looked completely blank. He'd forgotten.

I asked what he had wrapped last week when he made a big show of hiding upstairs to wrap, when he'd been home alone all day and I'd just got in with DS from school and needed a quick turnaround to get him back out for football. No he hadnt cooked dinner.
He has got me other things, which is great, but it turns out he has used the paper that is only for gifts that come from Santa.

I had told him I was doing this. I told him last year that we should have separate paper, but he refused as he'd left everything to the last minute. I don't want a present for DS from Santa to be wrapped in the same paper as a present from DH to me. DS is going to suss and I'd rather not risk it. He agreed or he didn't listen and nodded in the right places.

So we've argued about all of this because I'm pissed and wouldn't let him off the hook. I'm not going to back down on this. Unless the general consensus is that I'm being a dick.

OP, you sound exhausting and I would dread Christmas with you - no carefully wrapped gifts could compensate for your micro-managing, uptight, control freakery. Relax, have a sherry and lean into a happy festive season, stop nit picking over trivia.

The wrong paper

Well, it sounds like you are a bit angsty and micromanage things, and your DH is lazy and resents being micromanaged

A bit of give and take from both sides?!

You’ve enabled him too much. Step back next year. His family presents can be organized by him. Just let him know - doesn’t have to be an argument or a stand off. I used to stress about my dh’s family presents. I don’t bother now. I do have conversations with him about it. Along the lines of “have you decided what you’re getting your mom this year?” If he wants ideas I’m happy to give some. I’m happy to go pick something up especially if I’m shopping anyhow. But he has to put effort in as well. He’s an adult and not a child. We don’t have an argument or an announcement of me not doing it just an assumption of him taking a large involvement in it. And yes that meant I sat back and watched the first year as he ended up running around the shops trying to find something he wanted. But at no point did he ask why I didn’t sort it. I sorted my family.

As for buying your own presents and then getting him to wrap them or even wrapping them yourself. I wouldn’t bother doing that. I would buy them and not as Christmas presents. Just as “with some time off at Christmas I bought this board game I thought we could play together” type of thing. Or I bought this book/bath stuff/jewelry as a treat for myself. It doesn’t have to be confrontational.

Then let your DH buy you a present if he wants. And it turns out he did want and has bought something.

Your DS is old enough to be brought to shops and to pick presents from saved pocket money. So I’m hoping you don’t just go out with your money and buy gifts, wrap them and label them from him. If you are - well that’s just recreating the same pattern that you don’t like in your dh. Feel free to ignore this if it doesn’t apply!

Over controlling I'd say.

What's wrong with "OH look! Santa has the same paper as us"?
Worrying about the plastic pollution on the one hand and rewrapping your Christmas presents for the sake of it on the other just doesn't add up OP.
Sort out your eco credentials and sort out your relationship so your son has an enjoyable Christmas would be my overall advice. I doubt your son will even notice the blimmin wrapping paper

I think if you'd started the post with the issue in your title and then provided context, you'd be getting a more supportive response (although this is AIBU).

AIBU to ask DH to rewrap his Christmas presents to me as he has used the paper I keep specifically for presents from Santa? DS is pretty observant and the paper is quite memorable, covered in Santas when all the other presents are wrapped in brown paper.

No, yanbu.

AIBU for being annoyed that DH has forgotten that I bought myself presents from him and bought me different ones? He has form for terrible presents.

Hmm, yab a bit u.

AIBU to be irritated that he decided to wrap them just as I got home from work, when he had been at home all day (and not even cooked dinner)?

No, yanbu.

AIBU for being frustrated that I do all the Christmas prep/buying/wrapping including for DH's family and he doesn't lift a finger despite us both working FT, him finishing earlier and being at home all day without even cooking dinner?

No, yanbu, but you need to stop doing this and make clear your expectations in an equal relationship. If he is like this all the time, evaluate LTB options.

AIBU to feel upset that DH wouldn't take an interest in DS's stocking and made a suggestion I had already discounted?

Yes, yabu about the suggestion but maybe your upset was more at his lack of interest (see above re expectations). It sounds like time to get your DH to get more involved earlier, to choose and buy some of DS's presents even if they aren't what you would have chosen. Maybe you have got into a cycle where he has withdrawn as he feels you don't really want his input (and/or it suits him being a lazy arse). DH and I had a chat about that this year and we are both going to make more effort to work jointly on present buying in future. However, we do wrap everything together and he does his own family presents, so he knows which paper (and sticky tape!) is Santa's. Sounds like a slight chilling out and lowering of expectations is needed on your part and a massive boost in effort and attention is needed on his.

The presents your DH reluctantly wrapped for you (in the wrong paper) aren't from him. You bought them.
They may as well come from Fr Christmas.
Leave it as it is and tell everyone who will listen that they appeared by magic.

As for your DH. He's telling you that all this Christmas present buying/wrapping angst means F all to him so as long as he doesn't mind receiving anything himself let him get on with it.

My DH has nothing to do with presents - gives and receives none. No discussion. He lets me get on with it.
I drain our joint bank account buying for the DC & relatives and for me (from me) every year with no complaint.
If he wants a gift he has to buy it for himself, like I do.
If I were you I'd let him opt out as long as he knows that nobody will buy for him either.

Whilst I totally understand the wrong paper, it is only important to you, not your OH so you could have re wrapped it yourself in less time than this thread took you.

Some people are not organised, accepting that is half the battle.

Really get that you’re fed up with Xmas falling squarely on your shoulders. That needs to stop.

You maybe do need to reflect a bit on whether your being particular about some things is a barrier to him engaging though.

By this I mean, if it’s the Christmas you both want, would he be more likely to get stuck in?

Our first Xmas together I. Went tuna-go on doing a really complicated meal, got a big burnt out and upset in the process of getting stuff, prepping stuff, cooking stuff.

Turned out DH would have preferred a simpler, more relaxed day (and run up) where we spent more time together with less to organise/do.

He managed to kind of say that what he wanted at Xmas was me relaxed and having a laugh, not all the trimmings and me stressed about it.

So the next year we planned a much simpler day. We did the fancy bits that actually meant something to us and slimmed down the rest.

I went to town. Not I went tuna-go.

You are being perfectly reasonable. I would rip that paper off, DH’s fucking head and my marriage cert in the new year.

I left a dickhead like that last year because if you’re honest it isnt the only area where he leaves all the heavy lifting to you is it? Even if you were the most uptight, anally retentive person he should still respect your needs and the fact you’ve done ALL the donkey work in December. However, carrying the mental load is far greater and its bloody wearing when you have to carry it for a man child. He had a bloody week off to say ‘right, what needs doing’ and I totally agree re the wrapping paper. YANBU at all and your stress levels are palpable xx

@MincePieMum I actually can’t believe the people calling you hard work and telling you off for not being kind.

You do bloody everything and your useless husband fucks around, ignores you and does nothing or worse than nothing. He’s pathetic. Something needs to change.

I suggest in the new year you make a long list of all the things you do (including buying your own presents) and a short list of whatever his pathetic non contribution is and show them to him. Ask him if he thinks this is fair, ask him how to solve this.

And if he doesn’t genuinely try to equally parent and actually fucking listen to you when you speak then I would urge you to consider that not every partner behaves this way.

To be fair I wrap my teenager son and daughters presents in different paper so it makes it easier when putting them out so I don’t have to keep reading the labels, but you do sound VERY stressed, just try to relax and have a brew and a biscuit.

Yes you are being a dick.

Oh FFS he's being a dick by not helping, and not bothering his arse to buy presents for anyone.

Once people start talking about ‘needs’ being met and the ‘need’ is wrapping a ton of tat, you know you have strayed into severely over-entitled territory.

And then people talk about the mental ‘load’. Sure, doing a perfect Christmas Day is work (if that is really what you want) but, if you are organised, and add up the actual hours, it is probably less than one work day in total. And it is meant to be fun!

My late mother used to do Christmas for 20+ every single year: two stuffings, home made gravy from giblets, home made wreath and centre piece for table, all presents beautifully wrapped and laid out under a tree that we all helped decorate. She never made a fuss about it and seemed to find it all quite fun. (Yes, my father was very lazy).

Since when has wrapping a few presents and writing a few cards become a ‘burden’ ? If you find it stressful and unpleasant, don’t do it! As long as everyone is happy and makes a fuss of him, the 7 year old will love Christmas Day. So who is all this ‘effort’ really for?

Again, thanks for al the replies. A lot to think about, I'm taking it all on board.

I really hate a drip feed, hence the long OP, sorry for this massive drip feed. Feel it's now relevant.

DS is 7 and currently being assessed for ASD. He notices the detail! He also has obsessions with recreating enjoyable experiences, they have to be spot on. If he enjoyed getting in from school and running for a big hug from, I then have to spend the next few months being stood in the same spot, wearing the same clothes, hugging with in same order (left top, right arm below) and so on. Please don't comment on this, it's for info only, unless you can be sympathetic to parenting a child with ASD.

I'm physically disabled. It's falls to me to do a lot of the organising, non physical work that our home and family needs. DH does about 60/40 on cleaning etc. I do about 80/20 cooking but it is a real struggle and I frequently compromise/lower standards. It does make me feel really sad when DS has another beige tea from the freezer. His specific about food in a lot of ways too, I persevere with some foods that I know he tolerated but would rather not eat, just to keep as wide a variety of flavours colours and textures as possible. Rod for my own back, yes. Is it the benefiting him? Yes. I'll keep doing the best I can.

Present wrapping - because of my physical disability, I can only manage 2-3 presents each night. Small fiddly fuckers are actually worse. I had already switched to boxes with lids the first year I was disabled, then a combo of boxes and bags with tissue paper for year 2. It's more expensive and money is tight. Wrapping paper is the cheapest option, so I've had to switch back. MIL and PIL, DS and DBro all have late Nov/Dec birthdays. Wrapping and thoughtful presents for both birthday and Christmas are hard but possible, only if I'm organised.

Work is an issue, I've realised through this post I also resent DH for. And I am most definitely being unreasonable. I've struggled to hold down a 9-5 office job since becoming disabled. Reached the point where I was unemployable. I started my own business and we are doing ok. It's hard, hard work. It's more physically demanding but less stressful. It is what it is. DH had a breakdown 3 years ago. In response to this, he took the decision to step down a few grades at work for a more simple job. His words. He didn't talk to me about it or check the financial implications, he just did it. Whereas I went through everything with him when I had to make difficult decisions that affect our whole family. I need to work even harder to make up the financial shortfall. I'd dearly love to step back work for a while to recover some of my physical self, but don't feel able to.

For this reason, I don't really want shit presents from DH when we can ill afford to waste the money. Likewise for his family presents. He's shit with money too. And yes I fixed it for him to not have to be good with money. I took away his responsibility on that front and did it myself, early on in our relationship. It was so we could clear up his credit rating to get a mortgage. He does have lots of endearing features, I promise!!

I get that a lot of this is my own doing, by trying to fix other problems that were deal breakers for me. The financial aspect especially. Not sure the present thing would have been a deal breaker but there was one birthday where I cried a lot and showed him the full level of how upset I was. It was the thoughtlessness.

I actually ranted at him 'my birthday should not come as a surprise. There should be no sudden realisation that you have another gift to buy or another day to celebrate. My birthday is on the same fucking day every year. Facebook shouldn't be reminding you about my birthday'. We joke about it now, but I was so angry that year. It was about being the very bottom of everyone's thoughts every year my entire fucking life. Anyone with a birthday around Christmas time can relate to this I'm sure.

And finally! No the most family money is not being spent on me. It's on DS. And all his presents fit in to one standard sized reusable shopping bag. But with a clear head I've decide a tube of Pringles will help pad out his stocking and coco pops are always a great gift for him. DH will have to brave the supermarket on Christmas Eve to get them. Thank you everyone. Merry Christmas!

My DH used the Santa paper one year. Inside I was seething, but I just said "oh look, Santa and Daddy have the same paper". The fact that your son has ASD symptoms makes this a little harder.

However - my DH is not lazy and buys his own presents, so I let other things slide.

I do all the present buying & wrapping and it's never been a chore or I've had angst over it.

As for the Santa paper thing..really? Why bother? Adding other dimensions to it is ridiculous and no wonder you are stressed.

I buy my own presents and I wrap them too so I know it's done.

I think you are being silly and should perhaps drop the silly Santa only paper.

Have a hug, OP.

So, as others have said, it’s not about the wrapping paper

I think you both need to step back and rethink a lot of things together.

Or every little difference will become a land mine.

He sounds like an utterly lazy arse. And of course he can't use the father Christmas paper.