To make DH unwrap and rewrap presents for me?

[MincePieMum]

I want him to re-wrap my presents in the correct paper. Am I being a dick? Sorry this is long.

Every year DH stays up until 12/1/2am Christmas Eve and our DS is still young and giddy with excitement; he's prone to waking veeerrry early Christmas Day. Last year it was 4am and we did everything we could to get him back to bed but failed. This year will be no different. DH is then grumpy all day as he's not had enough sleep. Always promises next year will be different. I've been trying really hard to make this year easy on all of us. I've been wrapping a few presents a night for most of December.

I have done all the present buying for everyone including his family. Including oversees family and getting cards and presents written/posted in time.

We both work full time. He finished for Christmas more than a week ago, he had all of last week off. I finished for Christmas on Saturday lunchtime.

We've just had a massive argument over Christmas presents.

I asked him to come upstairs and help me sort through presents as I was having a massive twitch over DS present pile looking expensively small. He asked "do I have to do it now?" And I replied "how long shall I wait for you?" It turns out he meant to say "I don't want to, can't you worry about it now, then fix it all for us so that I can carry on not giving a fuck?"

When he finally came up to help, we went through it all and he agrees the pile and stocking are both small. Now he wants to buy cheap plastic tat to pad it out with. I don't as I've done this in previous years. DS doesn't play with the tat and it will still be littering our planet 1000 years from now, still with the gift tag on. I'm being negative apparently.

I suggested giving one of my presents to DS instead. One of the presents I bought myself and put in a box in his wardrobe, in front of him, saying "here are 3 Christmas presents I really want this year. I bought them, all you need to do is wrap them". Because I tried the same thing last year and he didn't bother to wrap the present I bought myself, he just moved it along the shelf a little towards my side of the bed. Didn't put it under the tree or give it to me in person. So when I suggested my present for DS, he looked completely blank. He'd forgotten.

I asked what he had wrapped last week when he made a big show of hiding upstairs to wrap, when he'd been home alone all day and I'd just got in with DS from school and needed a quick turnaround to get him back out for football. No he hadnt cooked dinner.
He has got me other things, which is great, but it turns out he has used the paper that is only for gifts that come from Santa.

I had told him I was doing this. I told him last year that we should have separate paper, but he refused as he'd left everything to the last minute. I don't want a present for DS from Santa to be wrapped in the same paper as a present from DH to me. DS is going to suss and I'd rather not risk it. He agreed or he didn't listen and nodded in the right places.

So we've argued about all of this because I'm pissed and wouldn't let him off the hook. I'm not going to back down on this. Unless the general consensus is that I'm being a dick.

Our first Christmas together, his only gift to me was some carpet cleaner. No joke. He spilled Guinness on my carpet and this was how he made amends. He didn't even clean it first. I'd have been more impressed if he'd cleaned the stain and wrapped the patch of living room carpet up. He has major form for shit gifts. And for leaving everything to the last minute. Hence why I've started buying myself any presents that I really want.

This is so sad. You are married to someone who doesn't give a shit about you. You are enabling him though so I doubt that will change.

You seem a tad controlling OP.

I don't mean to be a martyr. Over the years I've just tried to get better outcomes. Why feel pissed off at getting cleaning supplies when I can write a list for him? Then it becomes an amazon list and all he has to do is click the buttons. But when that didn't work, because he forgot it was there, I started buying it myself. I honestly don't know what else is can do to avoid him wasting money on shit presents (fucking Ann summers shit or 3 toiletries sets from boots). We've been together such a long time now I feel like I would be letting his family down if I didn't buy on our behalf. I get presents from our DS for them too.

I'd love to know how not to be a martyr or disappointed.

Hmm I can't get my head around buying yourself the things that you wanted. I don't know this was a thing. Feels unusual to me.....

You need to either re wrap, or put some large gift bows on the santa presents.
Too obvious otherwise.

You have to have separate paper for santa or it's going to be ridiculously obvious! Surely everyone does this?

I find it more weird that parents spend their own money on gifts then let kids think they’re from Santa. I want the credit for buying the gifts! Of course you put in your order with Santa and he brings the presents but why do you want your kids to think they aren’t ultimately bought by you?!

Why are more posters not shocked that you buy your own presents?! Wtf?! Is this normal or something? Do you not die a little bit inside when you’re in the shop handing over the money for the present to yourself? Why do women put up with such absolutely bloody useless men? I’m almost annoyed by your standards being so low. But not as annoyed as I am at him for being a total waste of space.

While your wrapping paper complaint is indeed very trivial, i can quite understand why it’s got to you given the wider context.

How is your relationship in a wider sense ? My advice will be very different if your relationship is (broadly speaking) happy, equal and balanced and it’s just that Christmas is a big black spot.

Agree re the paper. That was how I figured things out. I too am a 'details' person.

Not ok about the lack of engagement from your dh. I am the budgeter for our family and it's a tight one over Christmas that we save for all year. I like to start early as I have a big family. After one or two conversations about what to get in law x or y or nieces a or b come to nothing, I tell my dh what is in the pot for his side accumulated and transfer said sum to his account. If he gets them a gift in time, wonderful. If not, they are his relations! (All nice people incidentally to whom I'm happy to give a gift) He never fails to sort it in his own time, which might not be the same as my ideas about how soon is ideal but that is ok. You should try this next year!

Hmm I can't get my head around buying yourself the things that you wanted

Me neither. Why bother with the farce and fakery of wrapping them (or even stupider, making DH wrap them) when you’ve bought them yourself? If you want to buy something for yourself then buy it. But why do you need to pretend it’s from your DH for Christmas?

@startingafresh1 Hmm I can't get my head around buying yourself the things that you wanted. I don't know this was a thing. Feels unusual to me.....

Really? If I bought myself a book 2 weeks before Christmas, but only started reading after Christmas when I had time off, wouldn't it be a bit shit of me to then expect my DH to come up with another idea for a present?

Or do you mean I should have just told him what book I wanted then wait for him to get it?

Cos i told him what paper I was using for presents from Santa. I showed him both rolls and told him not to use them. Yes I'm still grumpy about it but maybe we will laugh in years to come about papergate!

OP why do you need to have that specific book for Christmas? Or any book at all? Why not let the giver choose the gift they want to give you? If you don’t receive the book you want, you could treat yourself to it later.

I find it more weird that parents spend their own money on gifts then let kids think they’re from Santa. I want the credit for buying the gifts! Of course you put in your order with Santa and he brings the presents but why do you want your kids to think they aren’t ultimately bought by you?!

I get much more joy out of watching kids believe in the magic than I ever would getting present 'credit.' I like sending anonymous presents to disadvantaged children, it's the giving that's enjoyable not getting credit for it.

Also, you said your son is 7 and you buy gifts for family members on his behalf. Think about how and when to start transferring responsibility for that to him with the goal that when he has his own wife & family he doesn't expect your future dil to handle everything of this nature! If he has such a shit role mode from his father on how to buy gifts, you'll need to make sure he sees a better way to go about it from you. Probably stopping the purchase of your own presents would be a part of that also.

Have you ever properly talked to your dh about his attitude to gifts?

If I bought myself a book 2 weeks before Christmas, but only started reading after Christmas when I had time off, wouldn't it be a bit shit of me to then expect my DH to come up with another idea for a present? Or do you mean I should have just told him what book I wanted then wait for him to get it

OP this is just so sad. It’s like this useless man has made you forget what gift giving is actually about. The joy of receiving a gift from your partner is in seeing how well they have chosen for you by themselves. Seeing the amount of thought they have put in and seeing the evidence of how well they know you.

Yes, just telling someone to buy you a book you could easily buy yourself is indeed pointless. But obviously you’re so far down the line with this guy that you can’t even comprehend that someone could buy you a thoughtful and well considered gift that you don’t have to explicitly ask them for - or worse, buy yourself.

Relationship is solid by the way, although he has form for being shit at any kind of organising anything and putting things off until they become a problem. We work well together most of the time because his weaknesses are my strengths and vice versa.

All DS presents fit in to 1 reusable supermarket bag, the 50p ones. That's why I was worried in the first place. He's still so young that he will not understand the £ of each gift and I don't want him to run down the stairs on Christmas Day and be disappointed with what he sees. Isn't this why every parent gets the twitch?

So is there still an issue with the paper or have we sorted that?

Santa paper should definitely be unique to Santa. It is very IMPORTANT.
Yanbu

Dh is a lazy arse and I can understand your frustration. The paper was the straw that broke the camel's back. What does dh say when you have a conversation about it when you are both calm. Can he see your point of view at all?

@SlowNorris I'm not going to mention paper again to him. Not that paper anyway. There are 4 gifts that I know of that still need wrapping. He has to get that done at some point tomorrow. I'm sick of spending every Christmas Eve in bed by myself while he fucks around downstairs for hours. He always says he regrets it and next year will be different, but it never is.

And yes, I must be too far gone. It's my birthday soon, no presents bought or gift lists written. I will give it a try and see what he comes up with. I put a lot of thought in to the gifts I chose, I suppose that's why I've been so disappointed in the past. And it has led to much more serious arguments in the 'early years'. Perhaps I'll update with what he gets me!!

You disguise small presents in bigger boxes to make a pile look bigger. You separate things also and wrap separately.

< Veteran of making a pile look bigger>

Yes Santa paper shouldn't be used for anything else.

All the rest of it, sorry I lost the will to live a bit. He should do more. Maybe ask dh for XYZ next year but don't buy it on his behalf. Hope it all works out.

omg I just read about the carpet cleaner.
You have to write to him. It's too late for this Christmas, but you have to write him a letter which you revise and edit until it says exactly what you mean.

Oh, MincePieMum, you've let your expectations get too low, surely your husband has had all year to think of something to get you? If you treated yourself to a book, maybe he could notice that you were enjoying it and get you something similar? It is not "a bit shit" for the person who loves you to know what kind of things you like and to seek them out for you!

Stop sorting out the presents for his family. My husband and I share much of the load, but I still leave his family to him, I have my own to sort out and he is perfectly capable.

Yes, I agree that you can't wrap family presents in the same wrapping as Santa wrapping.

I think you are being silly about his pile not being big enough - last minute guilt always gets me because we buy our kids very little for XMAS and Birthdays but I know that what they get is more than enough.... we don't actually have to get them anything at all so anything over that is a bonus :-)

I put a lot of thought in to the gifts I chose, I suppose that's why I've been so disappointed in the past

Does he understand this? I’m sure you have but have you calmly explained to him (i.e. not an argument) that you put care into choosing his gifts because you love him, and when he doesn’t do the same for you it makes you feel unloved? I think if you have one last talk with him about this and he still doesn’t get his act together for your birthday, you seriously just need to stop buying him gifts altogether and explain why!

And for his family, I would also stop buying them gifts. But in the run-up to birthdays/Christmas casually drop in an email (or however you communicate with them) that DH will be choosing the gifts this year. Then if nothing arrives, the blame will all be on him.