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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider going to a strip club cheating?

437 replies

DonaldDucksTowel · 23/12/2018 09:56

DP went out last night and was home much earlier than I was expecting, I asked him why and he said everyone had gone to a strip club so he got his kebab and came home

As the conversation went on he basically expected me to be very grateful that he didn’t go and came home early instead Hmm so I said “I’m supposed to be super grateful that you didn’t cheat on me, pay for the privilege and exploit a load of vulnerable women in the process? Get a fucking grip!” And basically we got into a bit of a ‘stripclubs aren’t cheating, yes they are’ back and forth for a while

I don’t understand how having a naked woman rub herself all over you would ever not be cheating - and even worse in a strip club than if you were just at a party because you’re actually paying for it! If it was a prostitute it’d be cheating so why not a stripper?!

He thinks I’m being dramatic Hmm
Do you consider going to a strip club cheating?

OP posts:
WaterOffaDucksCrack · 23/12/2018 10:28

I can't believe some people genuinely think going to a strip club is the same as going to a physio!

Mumtoboy123 · 23/12/2018 10:29

Fwiw i am with you on this. And no you shouldnt be singing his praises for not going. If DH went id be fuming and pribably throw him out. No you cannot go and pay for a woman to get naked and flaunt herself infront of you and expect me to be ok with it. Likewise, you cant not go and then make me feel guilty or like i have to worship you for not going. Defo cheating to me

jq28 · 23/12/2018 10:29

I don't think it's cheating. My husband went on his stag do and goes for other stag dos and it doesn't bother me. If he spent an arm and a leg in there they id be bothered though.
On hen dos we have had strippers and get flung around and grinded on and it doesn't bother the lads. It's just a laugh.

brizzledrizzle · 23/12/2018 10:29

I'm not convinced it's cheating unless they doing more than just looking but I'd be extremely annoyed by it and would be making my feelings known.

If women are expected to be grateful for their husbands not going to a strip club then that is setting the bar way lower than it ever should be.

thefinn · 23/12/2018 10:30

Wouldn't call it cheating but very grim, and as the previous poster said not a thing worth financially supporting imo. Cheating though, for me, would have to be something more.... personal if you will than simply visiting a stupid strip club.

MattBerrysHair · 23/12/2018 10:30

Personally I would consider it cheating too. I'd find it a betrayal of trust, as I have always made it clear in my relationships that the objectification of women is a deal breaker, and it would speak volumes about how a man perceives women in general. If my dp went to a pub and asked a random woman to strip for him so he could enjoy a sexual display, that would be cheating. Going to a strip club for the purpose of being sexually titillated is the same.

However, that's just me and everyone's boundaries are different in relationships. The problems arise when the people in the relationship do not respect the others' boundaries, even if they don't hold them themselves.

XiCi · 23/12/2018 10:32

I actually think you'd have to be pretty unhinged to think that visiting a a strip club is cheating. You are basically just watching women dance and most have a strict no touch policy. Yes it's a bit grim and pathetic but not cheating. Mind you I remember reading a thread on here where the OP considered it cheating when her DP had a wank Grin

ChishandFips33 · 23/12/2018 10:32

I think the fact your DH didn't go makes me think he thinks it would be cheating

Good on him for being different and coming home though...but he possibly spoilt it by implying you should be grateful!

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 23/12/2018 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CardsforKittens · 23/12/2018 10:33

If my partner went to a strip club I would end the relationship. It doesn't really matter that it doesn't meet the legal definition of adultery, it's unacceptable behaviour on many levels and I wouldn't tolerate it from any partner.

I wouldn't be 'grateful' to my partner for not going to a strip club any more than I'd be 'grateful' to him for stopping at a red light in traffic, or paying for things instead of stealing them.

kaytee87 · 23/12/2018 10:33

So your partner came home early and didn't go to a strip club and you still end up arguing about it?
Ok it was probably annoying if he was harping on about it but not everything has to be a battle, you could have just said you were glad he was home.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/12/2018 10:34

OP it's a little harsh to ask for others opinions then call them weird if they don't agree with you!

I don't consider going into a strip club cheating. Lots of men just watch from afar and to me that's not much different to looking at porn (I know some consider that cheating as well).

I think lots of clubs have a no touching rule (how much it's enforced is another matter). If they buy a dance and it's in the open and there is no touching I don't think it's cheating.

If they buy a dance and get taken into a back room and there is touching and extras then yes I'd consider that physical contact and cheating

My husband goes occasionally on a stag do if he's in an unfamiliar town etc but if his local friends go then he will just come home. He doesn't buy dances. He feels a bit uncomfortable knowing the girls are just being nice to him as theyre being paid to. I think it's a case of if it's someone's stag do they try and do activities that the stag wants and it feels rude to refuse. If he went because he wanted to go, or went often, or bought dances then I'd feel upset

NomsQualityStreets · 23/12/2018 10:34

YANBU op from your post you said he expected you to be grateful. He shouldn't expect you to be grateful for the fact he didn't go and watch and interact with a load of naked/lingerie clad women. He's not a superhero it's common courtesy considering he knows your feelings towards strip clubs.

Also I don't think going to a strip club itself is cheating however getting a lap dance etc I do consider cheating. As PPs have said you wouldn't like/allow if a random woman/man did that to your SO on a night out and they allowed it or enjoyed it - exchanging money for the act makes it even worse.

canibehereifimnotamum · 23/12/2018 10:34

Sounds like he would have had grief from you either way tbh

Puggles123 · 23/12/2018 10:35

He may as well just gone as he got grief for not going as well Confused I don’t think it’s cheating necessarily, and not everyone who works there is being exploited, but it’s unsavoury and wouldn’t be a fan of my OH going.

MissionItsPossible · 23/12/2018 10:35

@DonaldDucksTowel
Don’t know why you’re getting a hard time. As I said I’ve been witness to this and been witness to respectable, IMO, guys in relationships who acted disgustingly and sleazy in a strip club when i knew their significant other. Don’t know if it’s the norm but it didn’t fit right with me. The language displayed was disgusting.

abacucat · 23/12/2018 10:36

Not sure if I consider it cheating. I do think it is a form of violence against women, and DP agrees. So neither of us would be okay with this, and we both think less of anyone who goes to a strip club.

abacucat · 23/12/2018 10:38

And someone on these type of threads always mentions ballet. As a family we are going to see The Nutcracker. No we are NOT going to The Nutcracker to be turned on by the fit ballet dancers. And I suspect the rest of the audience will not be either.

Huntawaymama · 23/12/2018 10:39

I don't think it'd cheating. I don't think my husband has been to one for years. My only issue was the potential for him to spend lots of money. I think £50 is enough. One time one of his friends asked me to loan him £100 as he was meeting his gf and he'd just spent £250 on strippers and didn't want his gf to know. At that point I was just glad my husband tells me if he goes and doesn't spend money we could have a weekend away with. Tbh when I was 19/20 I went to clubs with my male friends and watched and it's really not exciting. They can't touch them and it's all a bit weird. It not like their giving the men a wank

Whereartthouname · 23/12/2018 10:40

I went to a strip club once. I thought it would be girls dancing on poles but it was just a stage with one girl who pulled men up from the audience and had sex with them on stage. Never again. Also male freinds got a stripper who sexed herself with a dildo on the grooms face (he had dildo in his mouth) how that isnt cheating i dont know. I saw one male stripper alot more tame had undies on the whole time.

CynthiaRothrock · 23/12/2018 10:41

Strip clubs aren't cheating it is merely being in the presence of naked dancers. Most dont allow touching. Imo its the same as window shopping. There is no rubbing or fondling.They are also not as seedy as they used to be (the ones round here aren't any way and there are alot of them) and the majority of the girls have CHOSEN to woek there, not because they are desperate or druggies but because the money is good and it fits in with their life.
I think him coming home early because he knew you wouldn't like it , is him thinking of you. Imo yabu.

areyoubeingserviced · 23/12/2018 10:42

It’s not cheating, but it’s just grim and sad

Original poster
DonaldDucksTowel · 23/12/2018 10:43

I don’t know where people are reading that I gave him grief for not going Confused

OP posts:
The4thSandersonSister · 23/12/2018 10:43

Is he allowed to watch GOT? Where are you drawing the line OP?

Badtasteflump · 23/12/2018 10:43

we didn’t argue

I disagree, unless you telling him to ‘get a fucking grip’ is your normal way of speaking to each other... It sounds like you were looking for an argument tbh - he came home as he didn’t want to go to a strip club. But you were pissed off anyway Confused