DS messaging ex teacher

[mumanator7]

Ds left school in the summer and has been messaging on instagram an ex teacher of his. He is 17 and she must be mid 20s. I know this because he left his phone home while going out one day and messages came up, I know it's bad but recognised her name and read them. Started off innocent about how he was getting on now but have turned quite flirtatious. Obviously I am massively concerned about this. AIBU to message the school saying this young teacher is flirting with my DS who has only just left school months ago? Or is it none of my business now he has left, and perfectly legal? Really not sure of rules on this!

Op please listen to the people who are teachers and know how wrong this is on the part of the teacher.

We use a saying in safeguarding - don't think what if I'm wrong think what if I'm right.

I'd speak to him. He needs the information to be able to protect himself. He's got to understand consent and what is appropriate.

And, I'd report her. She's either stupid or sinister. Hell mend her.

It is flirty text messages. All the talk of age of consent and grooming may be way off beam.

I think the teacher has been foolish, but speak to your son and try and establish facts before deciding what to do.

It’s a problem. The power imbalance resulting from their teacher/ pupil relationship is still in place.

I am a Safeguarding Lead in a FE college (16-18).

I can tell you categorically this is a safeguarding issue. Please ignore those calling 'Pearl clutching, age of consent etc.

She is in a position of power and trust and any relationship between a teacher (ex or not) cannot be equal. This is a legal fact - not my opinion.

This reportable to the LADO. You must report this to school, regardless of whether you speak to your son. The school and LADO will investigate.

Report anonymously if you want to via Childrens Social Care (he is still a child).

I'm currently on a PGCE course, and it's made very clear on the course that this sort of behaviour would not be ok. Even e.g. playing on the same sports team as a sixth former is something you have to declare to the school.

He may no longer be a pupil but until very recently she was in a position of trust and he's under 18. It's poor judgement on her part and I'd argue it contravenes the personal/professional conduct part of the teacher standards. Teachers are expected to be whiter than white in terms of their behaviour.

On a personal level this does make me feel really uncomfortable. I'm probably a similar age to this teacher and I would never want that kind of interaction with a pupil/former pupil. I think her boundaries are seriously off.

I would make the designated safeguarding lead at the school aware, and then they can decide what they feel is appropriate action to take. You're not sitting as judge and jury, you are just letting the relevant people know.

I agree, it may be an idea to make your son aware you know first.

I know "if the sexes were reversed" is basically a trope on here, but fucking hell...

Pls don’t feel bad for looking on his phone. If you looked on your husbands phone and discovered he’d been cheating the looking at the phone would be irrelevant and that’s how I feel about this. Your son is potentially being groomed and if I was you I’d be protecting him at all costs, if I invaded his privacy then so be it.

I’m a counsellor and it’s unethical for me to have a relationship with a client - even ex clients, the governing body recommend waiting 5 years and that’s not to do with children it’s because I’m in a position of trust and people are vulnerable. Baffles me how some people don’t understand. Scary.

This is against the Teachers Standards regarding professional conduct. Definitely not ok. If this was one of my colleagues I would have a duty to report this to my DSP. I would contact the school if I were you.

Whilst people are saying it's legal as he's no longer a pupil, it certainly doesn't make it morally right.
She's in a position of trust and if she can't keep her hands off a 17 year old boy should she really be teaching 16/17 year olds?😕

I wouldn't be happy honestly, and would probably take photos of the pics to show the school, he's still legally a child!

Though I'm sure many people will defend her. And if this was a 17year old girl and a male teacher no one would be happy about it!

She has to stick to these standards, it doesn't sound to me like she is.

A teacher is expected to demonstrate consistently high standards of
personal and professional conduct. The following statements define the
behaviour and attitudes which set the required standard for conduct
throughout a teacher’s career.
 Teachers uphold public trust in the profession and maintain high
standards of ethics and behaviour, within and outside school, by:
o treating pupils with dignity, building relationships rooted in mutual
respect, and at all times observing proper boundaries appropriate
to a teacher’s professional position
o having regard for the need to safeguard pupils’ well-being, in
accordance with statutory provisions
o showing tolerance of and respect for the rights of others
o not undermining fundamental British values, including democracy,
the rule of law, individual liberty and mutual respect, and tolerance
of those with different faiths and beliefs
o ensuring that personal beliefs are not expressed in ways which
exploit pupils’ vulnerability or might lead them to break the law.
 Teachers must have proper and professional regard for the ethos,
policies and practices of the school in which they teach, and maintain
high standards in their own attendance and punctuality.
 Teachers must have an understanding of, and always act within, the
statutory frameworks which set out their professional duties and responsibilities

There are plenty of jobs you can be dismissed from/struck off from even if you've not done something illegal- just breached professional codes of conduct.

Even if it's mostly innocent, it shows incredibly poor judgement. She will have been told many times this sort of thing is not ok.

And OP has only seen a few messages- so there could be a grooming element to this too. The "You were always my favourite ;)" comment in particular makes my skin crawl.

Technically plenty of schools allow (or don't stop) ex pupils following/befriending pupils on social media. My previous school allowed this, and many of our ex pupils "friended" us. I have also spoken with ex pupils on social media (they message me first to let me know how their uni course is going) and met up for coffee/a drink and a catch up with them. This is pretty common amongst my teacher friends. However, this is generally as "casual" as school policies get, and even then the ex pupil has to be over 18, they have to add/message you first (you'd be stupid to initiate it) and any contact should be professional friendly not flirty! For example, I recently met an ex pupil to talk him through his PhD application. So yes, some posters are being OTT, but equally flirty messages like the OP has seen are absolutely not ok and cross a major line! Also he us 17, not 18, and that does make a difference...

Only on Mumsnet is this kind of thing ok!

This happened at my school. Lad in my year started seeing a teacher. Nothing you can do once he's left and over the age of consent.

Wow I've just read where the OP said the teacher has been at the school.at least since th3 boy was in yr 8 and possibly longer. So given that he must be year 12 now that's 4 years minimum. So she must be at least 26. And she's flirting with a 17 year old kid at the risk of her job!

This happened at my school. Lad in my year started seeing a teacher. Nothing you can do once he's left and over the age of consent.

Absolute rubbish.

one of my friends was sleeping with our old pe teacher within a month of us leaving school! she’d only turned 16 a few months before and has always been adamant that nothing ever happened whilst she was still at school. she eventually ended it after a few months when she realised how weird it was that he was a 30 year old man who’d been teaching her for the past four years. she never told her parents or anyone at the school though and the last i heard he was still teaching at the same school.

Well, yes he would be as nobody bloody reported it!! Exactly why op needs to report it to school.

Once again, an astounding level on ignorance on here!

It absolutely IS a safeguarding issue.

I've been a teacher for 20 years and things have really tightened up in this area over that time.

People going on about "age of consent" have NO idea about the nature of authority in relationships and how that can be abused to groom and manipulate.

Once you have been in a position of trust over a pupil, that dynamic and power imbalance never goes away.

You cannot, as a teacher, contact even ex pupils on social media. In our school it was never, some schools have eg a five year rule.

This teacher has massively breached safeguarding which calls all of her professional judgments into question.

She will be in no doubt about this - safeguarding training has to be regularly refreshed. She is either very ignorant or doesn't care about the rules.

School need to know this, they will not take it lightly and dismiss it as "one message" it's definitely gross misconduct and anyone saying otherwise is either basing it on their own experiences from 20+ years ago or has no idea about these situations are viewed these days!

Blimey Haggisfish talk about jumping the Gun they’re only Texting!

Only texting?! If my son left school and a few months later was receiving flirty texts from a former teacher then I'd be reporting them that day. Former teachers should never be flirting with a former pupil who has only recently left the school - a few years down the line, whatever. @Haggisfish is right, it should be reported to the school.

My eldest has a former 6th form teacher on social media, I know the teacher having met them several times and my permission was asked, I don't have a problem with that because it was done all above board and the teacher didn't teach them until they were in 6th form.

I don't know about the regulations in England, but the regulatory body for teachers in Scotland has a code of professionalism and conduct which specifically states teachers must:

• appreciate fully that the onus is upon you as the teacher and not the pupil to distance yourself from any potentially inappropriate situation;
• avoid sexual contact with or remarks
towards a pupil of school age, regardless of the apparent consent of the individual concerned;
• be mindful that professional boundaries can be perceived to extend beyond a pupil’s educational establishment leaving date; therefore, in situations of this nature, you should exercise great care and professional judgement, taking into account all the factors involved;
• avoid inappropriate communication (including via social networking) with individuals under 18 or in relation to whom you may be in a position of trust or have a professional relationship"

If it's clear from the messages that the teacher is flirting back (and not just saying "right I'm going to bed please stop messaging me because this is weird " and it's your DS who's misreading the situation) then this should definitely be reported to the school. I'd be inclined to report it regardless as she shouldn't have initiated contact - does your DS not have friends who are still at school who could have told her how he's getting on? Don't message the teacher though, there's nothing good that can come from that!!

What did you decide to do op @mumanator7 since kids are back now x

I am not a teacher. I work with fully grown adults, some of whom are vulnerable, some not. But my job is such that I have a position of power over them. We are not allowed to have any kind of personal relationship with these people for at least a year after they end contact with us. Exchanging flirty messages (exchanging any messages come to that) with someone a few weeks after their time with me had ended would be a disciplinary issue. And these are fully grown adults, not young boys! I'm astounded at all the people telling you to butt out! And I agree that if you had a daughter and it was a male teacher, their responses would be different! This can absolutely have an impact on your son for years to come. Whatever you decide to do in the end, don't do nothing. This needs to be addressed.